Apparently I don't know how to write anything but crack nowadays. Sigh. Warning: Revolves around alcohol, so don't read if that's not your thing!

He just needed a fucking escape.

Stress was the alpha and omega of Edward Elric's life. Whether it be because of the people he hurt, the people he couldn't save, or the people he could still manage to save, his brain was always working and his gears turning. He couldn't turn to any shoulders, couldn't allow himself the release of crying. How could he cry? Al could no longer cry, for Ed had placed him in that body. Nina could no longer cry, because he had shown up too late. He stole the tears of the people he loved, and he was not allowed to release them. He deserved this burden.

But just because he deserved it didn't mean he could handle it. He couldn't even turn to sleep for some sanity; hell, the nights were worse than the mornings, where at least the sun could burn off the pain that we call memories. He couldn't cry at night, for he traveled with someone who never slept. He was trapped entirely in a whirlpool that he couldn't ever escape.

So that was why, that one night where the nightmares were too much to handle, he slipped into the city dyed with blue moonlight. He looked at the stars and wondered when the hell he would be happy again. He was wondering what he was supposed to do, here to go, when he heard shouts and laughter. He felt so, so damn jealous that it surprised him. He walked around the corner to investigate and was surprised to see the entirety of Mustang's team minus Hawkeye. Havoc and Breda were grinning and shoving, Fuery and Falman were talking cheerily to each other, and even the Colonel seemed in a good enough mood. Havoc caught Ed's eye.

"Chief! What're you doing out this late?" he asked, surprised.

"None of your business," he retorted quickly. It lacked the usual fire, mostly because he'd stayed up for two nights straight and hadn't stopped moving. He'd taken a quick rest, but the images of the creature he transmuted and Nina Tucker screaming at him had jolted him awake. "I could say the same to you guys."

"Turns out we finished all our paperwork for once!" Breda butted in. "We're going out for drinks to celebrate. Wanna come?"

Surprised, Ed responded instinctively, "B-but I'm not even of the legal age…"

"We know a bar where that doesn't really matter," Havoc chuckled, waving off his doubt. "Look, even Fuery is coming."

Mustang rolled his eyes and the others waited for his answer.

"But if you don't want to…," Fuery said shyly. "I mean…I'm not going to get drunk, I just want to try it out…"

"Yeah, we're not forcing it on you or whatever," Havoc agreed with a shrug. "Just offering up the possibility."

Ed opened and closed his mouth like a fish. A million reasons went through his head to say no. It's illegal. I've already broken all three laws that the State Alchemists need to follow; another would be overkill. Al would need to know where I was. Drinking is horrible for you, it impairs learning skills and I could do something stupid. It tastes bad, from what I've heard. I'll make a total fool of myself in front of everyone. If Winry ever finds out…ugh…

Yes, the cons outnumbered the only pro ten to one. But that pro was so large and looming that he finally decided.

"…Okay, sure."

I'll finally get to escape…

The Colonel pulled into the front of a bar. Still talking and smiling, the team walked into the place and took their seats.

"Madame," Mustang greeted.

"Big party, eh?" the woman at the front said gruffly. Nobody else was there. Everyone took their seats. "What can I get you?"

The team threw out names of liquor Ed had never even heard of. When she got to him, he was sweaty and nervous and regretting his decision.

"Isn't he a little young for this?" the Madame said. Ed sucked in breath, ready to say he wasn't going to be drinking, when to his surprise the Colonel gave an excuse.

"He's older than he looks."

"Are you calling me short?" Ed snapped, but he didn't have the energy to go on a full-blown rant. This seemed to surprise the others, who shared looks and raised eyebrows.

"Well, okay," she replied with a shrug.

"I'll just have a—um—"

"Give him what Fuery's having," Falman put in with a wave of his hand.

The woman nodded and started grabbing bottles. Ed's hands were clammy. He couldn't wait to get his hands on the glass.

He didn't partake in the chatter; he just observed the liquids, ranging from clear to yellow to amber. Eventually, she put the glasses down, then went into the back room.

"Cheers," Havoc announced, "to no more paperwork—until tomorrow, at least."

The team shared good-natured groans as they clinked their glasses. Ed stared down at the glass, then raised it and drank. It burned and tasted awful, but the more he had, the quicker he could disappear. He realized the team was observing his reaction, but he didn't care.

Am I really doing this right now? Was the thought that forced his cup down. He began coughing violently and everyone laughed. Almost instantly, he felt woozy and his tongue suddenly felt like it was loose. To test that it was still there, he blew a raspberry for a second before stopping. What the hell? Everybody's watching, why'd I have to go and do that?

"You alright, Chief?"

"Wh—yeah."

"You got a pretty big glass there. Kudos on drinking that much on the first sip!"

"Yeah! First time I tried it, I spat it all out on the table!"

Ed couldn't tell who was talking; they were all going so fast. He looked at his cup again and tried again. Burning and disgusting, but then less so; until, several minutes later, it tasted sweet and delicious and the world seemed to be slightly tinged pink. By now, he felt detached from the world; but he couldn't achieve that level of so-drunk-you're-singing-Disney-songs. Mustang glanced at him.

"Fullmetal," he began. "You can hold your liquor damn well for a first-timer."

Ed raised his head, and the world sloshed around as if it was water. He felt nauseous.

"Are you drunk?" Ed asked wearily.

"Not quite. Unlike these guys I try my best to drink responsibly."

"Hey!" Falman objected. "I'm not drunk either!"

"So why are you not wearing any pants?" Breda slurred, loud enough to wake someone next door.

"I AM wearing pants!"

"Nuh-uhhhhh!"

"See what I mean?" the Colonel sighed, turning back to Ed.

"I dunno," Ed yawned. "I just…feel like a….weird."

Mustang frowned. He knew a thing or two about getting drunk. Usually, the people who had relatively stress-free lives could get drunk easy and would sing loudly and goof off. But the people who had responsibility piled on their backs like iron, their stupors were usually silent and dizzying. Instead of a pink-and-yellow field of flowers, they were in a sedated, dark land. Mustang knew this dark continent well. But why would such a young kid be so stressed?

"Yknow, I think I'd like to…marry her," Ed said suddenly.

"What?" the whole team went silent and turned to Ed. Even when drunk, they knew they had to see this. Ed finally drained his cup and then laughed loudly. He shakily stood up, the team still watching, spellbound, as he struck a pose.

"I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist," he announced, his words slurred. "Edward Elric, the fucking…Hero of the People! Thats what they all call me, right?!"

"Right!" Havoc and Breda chanted, like a bunch of high school girls.

"Yeah! So I'm gonna get Al's body back, because I'm a fucking alchemist!"

"Right, Chief!"

"And…I'm gonna make everyone happy, and…and I'm gonna marry Winry!"

Mustang couldn't contain a burst of laughter from that, while the team (even Falman) hooted and cackled. In the excitement, nobody noticed the blonde order another drink. After an hour, half the team was asleep, leaving Havoc, Mustang, and Breda.

"Holy shit, how much did I…? It feels like only one…but I know it's hard to keep track when you're…mmmngh…" Ed stumbled over his words like they were rocks.

"Fullmetal."

"I think I had…two. Yeah. I took some while Falman wassn…looking…"

"ED."

"Shit! I just realized!" Ed suddenly jumped off his chair. "Al and Winry don't know I'm here! They're gonna get mad at me!"

"Ed, dammit," Mustang repeated. "Get back here."

"Fuck off, Musty, I'm busy."

"Musty?" Havoc broke off into maniacal laughter, and Breda followed, giggling. Ed went straight for the door, not going in a straight line.

"Fullmetal!" Mustang snapped, jumping off his chair. Who knew where the kid would run off to? If he didn't catch him, Ed might wander off, and then what? He could practically hear the gossip already; Someone saw the Fullmetal Alchemist! Drunk! Can you believe it?!

Ed threw the door open and tossed a few words across his shoulder.

"Oh, by the way, I also wanna fuck Winry, too!" then he ran off into the night.

"Wait!" Mustang ordered, and looked out the door; but somehow the sixteen-year-old had vanished.

"Why did you even do it in the first place?! He could've gotten hurt! He's not even eighteen yet!"

"I'm—"

"No excuses! I can't believe it…you could get court-martialed for this! What if someone realizes later on that you were handing out drinks to minors?!"

"I thought he knew better, I wasn't the one who—"

"Didn't I just say no excuses?! Yeah, I thought he knew better too, but you were egging him on! There's no way he would've said no! I can't believe you!"

"I'm so sorry, Alphonse."

Ed awoke, his head pounding and his stomach burning, to the sound of arguing. He listened with interest. It was surprising enough to hear his little brother's voice so loud and angry, but even more surprising (and amazing) to hear the Colonel sound like such a scolded puppy.

What the hell happened last night?

Ed tried to remember, but he couldn't, except that he had a dazed, happy feeling. It was such a rare emotion that he clung to it, as nonsensical as it was.

"I just—don't understand. I thought he did research on these things. I thought he knew how to drink responsibly."

"Colonel…don't you realize? You've seen what's been going on since you met us. Ed probably felt like—"

Ed certainly wanted to hear this exchange, especially since their voices had hushed; but his body had other plans, and the liquor made a sudden, painful reappearance. Alphonse and Mustang burst into his room a few moments later. Al rubbed his back while Mustang sputtered out a series of words like "Again I'm really sorry and holy crap Fullmetal I don't remember you drinking that much and it won't happen again and—"

"Drinking?" Ed puffed, still coughing.

"Ed…," Al began warningly. Ed tensed; Al never used his first name, unless something was wrong.

"You…you…" his voice was shaky, and Ed wanted to console him even though he had no idea what the problem was; when suddenly Al practically exploded. "You…stupid idiot!"

"Wha—?"

"I can't believe you! You went out drinking with Mustang's team and you had several drinks! I thought you knew better! You're not twelve anymore, Ed! Why would you even do that? I can't—"

Ed tried to follow, but he was so loud and talking so fast that the words jumbled up and his head hurt worse and he had to throw up again. Al was not deterred, although Mustang seemed a little uncomfortable to see his subordinate so hungover on the floor.

"—I was so damn worried! You didn't return after an hour, and thats the time I'm supposed to start looking, thats what we agreed on! I looked and looked and I found you in a goddamn alleyway, Ed! I couldn't wake you up! I was so scared until I found Mustang running around, looking for you, and he explained what you—I can't believe you!" he repeated.

Ed's head spun. I got drunk? And passed out in an alleyway? The hell?

"I'm sorry, Al," Ed mumbled. "I didn't mean to worry you…"

Al let out an exasperated sigh and, to Ed's surprise, hugged him. Ed awkwardly hugged back, when he heard Mustang tapping on a desk. Al didn't pay much attention to it, but Ed, associated with the military for years, knew a thing or two about morse code.

Tap. Tap-tap. Tap. Tap. Tap-tap tap.

Ed translated the words silently.

You said you…

Tap. Tap tap tap. Tap-tap tap.

The more horror that showed on Ed's face, the wider the smirk got.

wanted to…

Tap tap tap, tap-tap tap tap-tap.

fuck…Winry?!

A pause, as he verified the words; then Ed shrieked.