Disclaimer: I don't own Special A or a bit of '1000 Times' lyrics by Sara Bareilles

I can feel my heart breaking each time I see you. The dull ache is ever present whenever I am alone or with the others. I would like to think that I am strong but that would be a lie. Some would say it was infatuation. Perhaps it was, is. You were in a pedestal I cannot hope to reach. I try. It hurts a little.

Back of the room

Looking at you

Counting the steps

Between us

Akira. Akira is the sound your heart would only beat for. I know it runs deeper. Others were too blind to see it. Especially Akira. I take baby steps towards you. I try to block it. No, I take another bold step. There. It was not so bad.

I take a hasty step back. Why am I being so impulsive and irrational? What are doing to me? Are you even aware what you are doing? Why is it you? Why can't it be someone else? I want to blame you...I can't. It hurts a bit more than usual.

Eyes on the ground

But I can't look up now

Don't wanna give it away

My secret

She's the only one in your eyes. I am part of the background. It hurts but I dealt with far worse. I would continue to hide behind Ryuu and Jun until then. Just don't look at me or I will lose this constant battle. Don't turn your eyes on me even for a second or else or my most treasured secret would be known. I don't want to acknowledge it. Quash it. Bury it. Burn it with bitterness. One fleeting moment could break my resolve. I don't want to...I'm not strong enough. Please. Hear my unspoken plea. Oh god, why? Why?

Why do you torment me?

In another life,

My teeth and tongue

Would speak aloud what until now

I've only sung

My heart sings. My heart cries out. I want to sing. I cannot speak. I cannot voice it in fear. Stop asking me. I'm fine! Also, stop pretending you care with your eyes. It's poison. You're poison. Don't look at me with soft pitying brown eyes.

You've done it. I cannot escape this. I would either break or have you. I can wait, though it seems unbearable. I'll wait until you see and realise. I don't mind it.

You can make me wait forever

Push me away and tell me never

I don't mind, no I don't mind it

I would come back 1000 times

If getting rejected is as painful as seeing you pining over someone you cannot have I would do it again. And again. And again. Look at me Yahiro. Fall in love with me. I know I'm being selfish but I can't help it.

Sorry.

Kiss me goodnight

Like a good friend might

I'll do the same

But won't mean it

Just once I'd like to feel your hand. I'd like to see your eyes brighten and a smile adorn your face. I'd like to hear you laugh. I'd like to...I'd like to be your friend if nothing else. And maybe then I could pretend that you like me the same way.

Cause love is a cage

These words on a page

Carry the pain

They don't free it

It's funny isn't it? Both of us running after people that would never return our affections. I want to be free Yahiro. I hate being in love with you because Akira will always be your number one, your everything. Even if you hold my hand now and kiss my cheek it remains the same. Your heart is as adamant as mine. Am I right?

Jun, go away. I need to be alone for a minute.

In another life

I wouldn't need to

Console myself

As I resign to release you

I realise my voice cannot reach you. No matter how hard I try. Just go. Don't stay by my side because you feel guilty, it's insulting. Just go.

Cause I would die to make you mine

Bleed me dry each and every time

I don't mind, no I don't mind it

I would come back 1000 times

I stay vigil. I watch you hurt yourself. Ryuu and Jun watch me hurt myself in turn. These days I was slipping into true silence. I found I have nothing much to say. I sometimes forget to bring my sketchpad. I used to hate the silence. I found it comforting now. Beautiful silence.

Ryuu kept giving me worried glances. I avert my gaze and cement myself into the background. What is this? What are we? I still welcome you back. I can't push you away. Never.

To pursue you is a death sentence. I put on my best smiles, wear my best dresses and drag you around to my favourite places. I share my dreams and secrets. I sing again because of you. I feel awful and great at the same time. Your smile doesn't quite reach your eyes. I want to stab them.

Again again

I let it go, let it go

Cover my mouth

Don't let a single word slip out

I swallow my pride and sing. It sounds amazing they say. Jun turns away after. The others were frowning and realises just now. Hear my declaration and pain, Yahiro.

You don't.

Wouldn't wanna tell you, no

Tell you, no

Nothing could be worse

Than the risk of

Losing what I don't have now

Love, don't look so sad. I'm sorry you have to pretend to be my boyfriend for mother...or get stuck with me. At least Akira and Tadashi are happy for us.

And we could buy the minute, though

Is it so bad if I wanna cry out

You ask me where I go? Some place to cry I guess. My voice is too powerful and my hand is shaking violently. I don't expect anyone be near to listen, especially you. Is this the only thing we're going to talk about? Is that all? Alright, I'll see you later.

That I would die to make you mine

Bleed me dry almost every time

But I don't mind, no I don't mind it

I would come back 1000 times

Stubborn. That's what I am. Resilient. The pain is almost non-existent now. Pathetic. I feel numb but I smile. How many steps had I taken? How many steps back did I make? It leads to you, Yahiro. Perhaps you'll love me. Perhaps not. I'm not giving up. Don't be mad. Akira is watching.

It's been three years now. Is it right that I keep wooing you my dearest husband? Ryuu and Jun stopped trying to talk to me. Do you really have to go? Kei is out of the country but I don't say it. I'm not dumb. I watch your retreating back. I know where you go. Akira is lonely. Should I tell you the news?

Why are you so surprised? Is that a normal reaction for a future father? We're having a baby. The baby is ours. Wait. Wait, Yahiro! Where are you going? Come back!

You turn to me with a smile that reach your eyes. You say you would buy the entire baby store downtown.

I grimaced.

It just took me a 1000 times to get it right.

AN: yeah, I love this hapless pairing. Poor Megumi.

-Midnightgamin