Dear diary

Lola felt like a child all over again. The last time she had written in a diary had been at the age of six… a long time ago. She didn't even remember why she could have felt the need of writing anything in a diary, perhaps just because all the noble girls of her age did so. But at this moment of her life, Lola felt the necessity of writing her thoughts down for posterity. However, she felt like she could have chosen a more mature way of starting her memoirs. Too tired to come up with another formulation, Lola kept on writing.

I don't know where to start. My life has been quite tumultuous in the past few months. I have made bad decisions, the consequences of which I will have to carry on my shoulders for the rest of my life. And considering my age, I still have a great many years lying ahead…

What exactly she wanted to tell this diary, Lola didn't really know. Maybe she wanted to admit that she had made mistakes and that she regretted them, but how could she do that, when her only mistake had been to give birth to the King's child, to her son John-Philip? She didn't regret having her son, on the contrary, she loved him more than life itself. Other than sleeping with the King of France, she hadn't made any bad decisions, and had always been a loyal and devoted Lady to Mary.

Maybe I shouldn't have slept with F. that night, but now that I reflect upon this act, I don't really see what I did wrong. His wife ran away with his half-brother… we both felt lonely that night. I didn't mean to be the mother of the King's son, I didn't mean to be labelled as the King's mistress. To be fair, if I could turn back time and spare Mary this kind of pain…

Would she go back in time and refuse Francis? Not only had she felt attracted to him, but if they hadn't made love that night, John-Philip wouldn't be there with her today. She glanced at her sleeping son and smiled tenderly. No, she probably wouldn't…

To be fair, if I could turn back time and spare Mary this kind of pain. But now, I am not considered the King's mistress anymore. Now, the Nobles and servants have found a new nickname for me. I am the Traitor's wife now.

Lola heard steps in the corridor, probably that of guards or servants, and quickly closed the little book to hide it underneath a pile of parchment rolls. She didn't expect her maid before another hour, and she had sent the wet nurse home, telling her that she needed to spend time with her son. So it surprised Lola to hear someone knock at her door. Maybe the maid had decided to come earlier today, or Lola had underestimated the amount of time she had spent writing her diary.

"Come in", she called softly. But it wasn't her maid, nor the wet nurse that walked into the room… but her husband, Lord Narcisse.

"Stéphane" Lola decried overjoyed, but her expression quickly turned to horror when she noticed her husband's state. His hair was an absolute mess and his usually perfectly clean skin was stained with dirt and caked with dried blood… probably his blood. His legs trembled under his own weight and Lola thought he might just faint any minute from now. Quickly, she went to support his seemingly fragile form and noticed that he smelled of sweat. But the smell didn't bother her half as much as the fact that her husband's eyes avoided hers out of shame. She felt her heart skip a beat at the thought.

"Stéphane don't worry, I will take care of you", she said, while locking the door to their quarters. "Come now, I'm sure a nice bath will make you feel much better" Narcisse didn't answer, he didn't even nod. Lola slowly led him to the bathroom, careful not to let go of him. She wasn't sure how she was going to get him undressed without him falling. He looked so weak and tired it made Lola want to cry.

"'tis a'right…", she heard him whisper, "I can stand… just… draw me a bath… please"

"Of course"

Once her husband lay calmly in the bathtub, his eyes closed in exhaustion, Lola softly poured water over his head and washed his hair, making sure to massage his scalp and temples to help him relax. Narcisse obviously enjoyed the attention and even purred in appreciation as Lola began her massage. He would have fallen asleep if Lola had not poured more water over his head to rinse the soap out of his hair.

"I'm sorry for what I said in the dungeons… I'm sorry for making you feel the way I did, this was not my intention. But you must understand that… my past wives were more interested in the money and privileges than in the man they had been forced to marry"

"Shh… don't worry about it… are you hurt?" Lola had been so worried about her husband's well-being that she hadn't even thought about their conversation at all. Her worry for him had overwhelmed her, excluding everything else out of her mind.

"They were just flesh wounds… am just sore… I can't say that I have slept very well on the cold hard floor. And I feel famished…"

"I will fetch you food afterwards, just stay calm and relax" Lola took the bar of soap resting on the little shelf opposite the bathtub and began rubbing it all over her husband's body, scrubbing him clean as if she wished to take all the bad memories away from the horrible place he had to spend two nights in. She wished she could say something to make him feel better, but she didn't come up with anything more than a soft "I love you", whispered in his ear. A small smile appeared on her husband's lips, but he didn't say anything.

"I have… had a very odd experience in the woods yesterday night…"

"The woods? You went alone to the woods at night? Lola are you out of your mind?" The concern was obvious in Narcisse's voice and his hand softly brushed Lola's cheek, "What made you go to the woods on your own?"

"I was armed… there is a small clearing in the woods that I like to retreat to whenever I feel lonely or pensive. It's a beautiful place, Stéphane, I'm sure you would enjoy it", she tried to reassure him. However, Narcisse didn't seem convinced.

"What happened, did you see something that scared you?"

"Well… it did at first, but… I was sitting by the pond in this clearing and I was enjoying the nice evening. But when I opened my eyes I saw a huge shadow sitting opposite me… it was a wolf. I tried to slowly walk awa, so I wouldn't startle it… but it leaped over the pond and… I stood still for a few seconds, so it began sniffing at me. I thought it was about to attack, but it didn't… the wolf simply sat down in front of me and let me pet it" Her husband looked at her earnestly. Lola was sure he held her for mad by now. She expected him to believe that she had only dreamt all of this and that there had not actually been a wolf.

"A wolf you say… what colour was its fur?"

"What? What does it matter…" Stéphane smiled softly.

"You're right… I was just curious, it's not every day that my wife gets to pet a wolf" Lola felt something was wrong.

"Are you hiding something from me?"

"Why would you say such thing?"

"You don't believe me… I understand" Somehow, it made Lola feel sad. She had expected Narcisse to understand, but somehow she had tried to admit to herself, that all of this had just been a dream and nothing more. She felt foolish for telling him. Once she had finished washing her husband, she simply looked at him and smiled, noticing that he was fighting sleep.

"Come now, let's go to bed" Narcisse felt much better after his bath, and it wasn't much of an issue to get out of the tub and getting dressed for bed. Lola, however, insisted on holding his arm, in case he lost his balance. Narcisse merely shook his head and smiled softly at his wife's worry. Lola loved that smile that was meant just for her. It never failed to make her feel special.

Once they had reached bed, Lola huddled herself close to her husband's chest and kissed his lips tenderly. The look of tenderness in his eyes spread a wave of warmth in her body. She wished everything were easier. She wished her husband was an honest man, living in a nice house and earning his money legally, ready to have children and raise them in a safe environment. She wished Narcisse would tell her that he loved her, just the way she loved him. And yet, Lola knew that if Narcisse changed for her, it would all be different between them, as contradictory as it seemed. Lola had not fallen in love with the earnest Narcisse, but indeed with the dishonest one. She loved his mysterious aura, she loved his arrogant grins and his haughty voice. She also loved the fact that his tender side was only for her to see, that it was a fruit only she knew the taste of.

"You seem pensive… is this wolf still haunting you?" Lola grinned and kissed Stéphane's lips softly.

"Indeed… a very, very bad wolf"

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Dear diary,

F. has announced me personally that he would take everything away from my husband: his land, his titles, his gold… everything he possessed would be taken away from him. He also told me that since S. is no Lord anymore, I could ask for an annulment of our marriage. I thanked him and asked him to leave me with my thoughts. There was one thing the King and the Queen had not taken into consideration when they had forced me to marry this man: they had not expected me to fall in love with him. So no, I won't ask for an annulment, for I promised him to be faithful in good and bad times. I may have fallen in love with him a long time ago, I just never wanted to admit it to myself. I wanted to believe that he was vile and dangerous. But he has, on so many occasions, proven me wrong, because I gave him a chance and a reason to be different. The future that lies ahead of us might not seem very bright, but I am ready to face it nonetheless.

Lola smiled and closed the little book tenderly, wondering when this change of heart had occurred. She often tried to pinpoint the moment when she had fallen in love with Lord Narcisse, and often found herself unable to do so. It was as if trying to catch fog with your bare hands. But that didn't matter.

The clearing looked less magical in broad daylight than it did at night. The fireflies that had made this place look magical only came out when the sun had set. But it was still a place of peaceful calmness. Lola had not only come here to write in her diary, but she expected the wolf to return to this clearing. She loved to think that there was a special bond between her and that animal. Maybe it was a spirit guarding over her… she had often heard stories of wild animals protecting humans.

"Waiting for someone?", a voice she had come to know very well asked from behind her back. She turned around to face her husband, who was looking at her grinningly. Lola knew that he didn't believe her story, but she needed to know that this wolf had only been a part of her imagination, as childish as it made her appear/

"I know you don't believe it, but I guarantee you that I saw this wolf", she told him.

"I never said I didn't believe you, little one" The young woman came closer to her husband and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek.

"Why are you here? I can sense that something is wrong…" She couldn't, of course, but she only needed him to believe that she could. Maybe that was the way he was going to open up to her. Narcisse sighed heavily, telling Lola that there was, indeed, something troubling him.

"Lola we need to talk… about all that has happened until now. I… I am no Lord anymore. I have no money, no lands, not even my title…", he stopped and sighed once again, as if preparing to tell her something she didn't want to hear. Lola started to feel scared, for she knew where this conversation was going to.

"I already told you that I don't care about…"

"It doesn't matter if you care about gold or not… without it, I can't provide for you, and it won't be long before my King decides that you are worth more than a penniless man. Lola, he has promised to take everything away from me… and that includes you" Lola felt her heard break in her chest. It was as she had feared…

"Stéphane, are you suggesting that I… accept the annulment if Francis offers it to me?" She tried to see behind his husband's mask, she tried to read his emotions, but she found herself unable to. His face was as cold and rigid as never. Lola felt tears well up in her eyes.

"You want to give everything up… because you fear that Francis will take me away from you anyway? Aren't you ready to fight for me?"

"I fear that it is a battle lost in advance, Lola. I am no match against the will of the King" Lola looked at him with a grave expression on her face. She wouldn't let him give up on this marriage so quickly, not after what she had told him, not after admitting to him and to herself that she had feelings for him. Lola stood up and looked down at her husband.

"Listen to me, if you are not ready to fight, than I will find the strength to fight for the two of us. I won't let you give up on me. I told you twice already that I love you. And when I love someone, I will do everything to keep them by my side, even if that means fighting a King, a Queen or even a whole army" She was determined to make this work and nothing would keep her from being with Stéphane. Not even Francis. Especially not Francis.

"Oh Lola", Narcisse sighed and rose to embrace her softly, "I am not worthy of your love, and yet you're willing to give it to me"

"Yes I am… and I won't ever accept an annulment. You will have to find better arguments to end this marriage than the simple fact that you're penniless, because it's not your money I fell in love with, but you. And nothing will ever change that…" She pressed her lips to his in a desperate, but loving attempt to show him how much he meant to her. She wished that she could do more, but she couldn't think of anything at the moment. She just wanted him to stay.

"You truly mean what you're saying?"

"Yes, Stéphane! Don't disappoint me… please, show me that there is another side to you" His fingers softly brushed her cheek as he kissed her forehead, cheek and lips.

"I can't promise you to be the perfect husband… but I can promise you to always protect and cherish you. I give you all of me… that's the only thing I can give you at the moment"

"Yes", Lola agreed with a loving smile, "and for now, it is more than enough"