Fate/Swiggity Swooty

"Emiya-kun…you…do know how the mana restoration process works…right?"

In the quaint living room of the well-kept house on the hills of Fuyuki, Rin Tohsaka's intense blue eyes, normally radiating with confidence and fury, quietly averted the gaze of the redheaded boy across from her. She nervously twirled a strand of her jet-black hair in her fingers as her cheeks began to redden.

The television glowed and blared out some cartoon show, but nobody was paying any attention to it.

Shirou Emiya, meanwhile, sighed with exasperation. "Considering the whole list of other things I know nothing about, no," he replied. "I'm kinda new to this whole Grail War thing, after all."

The Fifth Holy Grail War, a contest of kings and champions battling it out for the chance to have their hearts' greatest wishes granted, had raged on for a few days now, and it had already taken its toll on Shirou. Being an inexperienced mage, the strain of mainly running around trying not to get killed had left him exhausted. Worse, he had hardly any mana, the great magical energy that flows through a person's system, left in him.

Rin's cheeks flushed a bit more, her skin starting to match her bright red shirt. "No, I figured you wouldn't know," she said softly, still avoiding Shirou's gaze.

Meanwhile, Archer, the Servant summoned by Rin to fight for her in the Holy Grail War, sat on the roof of the Emiya residence, rolling his eyes as the two teenagers in the room below him acted about as awkwardly as two teenagers could act. "I can't believe I have to sit through another attempt at being taught the birds and the bees," he grumbled to no one in particular. He was, of course, referring to the fact that he was none other than a grown-up Shirou Emiya, who had made a contract with the world to act as a Heroic Spirit and save humanity. "I distinctly remember taking a health class. C'mon, Tohsaka. I'm a big boy. I can handle it. Spit it out."

Rin took a deep breath and swallowed her nerves. "Well, you see…it takes two mages to perform a mana restoration ritual."

Shirou nodded slowly. "That's what I figured, yeah."

"And, the ritual itself…well…" Rin paused, trying very hard to find the right words to say without actually saying the words themselves. "It's a very…intimate affair, you see, and it requires us to be very…comfortable with each other on a personal level, I guess?"

"Is that all?" Shirou said, smiling. "Tohsaka, of course I'm comfortable with you. We're friends, aren't we?"

Archer slapped a hand to his forehead with an audible clap in reaction to this violent reminder of how goddamn dense he used to be.

Rin blinked, her face now bright red. She finally glared right at Shirou, daring herself to spit it out. "No, Emiya-kun. I mean…I mean the ritual requires us to do something…something a lot more…we have to…" She got really quiet, attempting to find the most sensitive phrasing possible.

"WE'RE GONNA COMBINE!" the oddly spectacled teenager on the television suddenly declared triumphantly, followed immediately by his friends echoing the phrase. "WE'RE GONNA COMBINE?"

High above them, Shirou could hear the silver-haired Archer burst out laughing. "We…we're gonna combine?" Shirou suddenly repeated.

Rin clenched her fists as her cheeks burned. "…y-yeah," she mumbled, cursing the television's impeccable timing.

Somewhere, a timer dinged.

Shirou leapt up and almost immediately tripped over his own feet and fell backwards. It was his turn to blush as he stared at the girl across from him. "You mean," he started, his voice cracking as he stopped himself. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. "You mean…we have to…with the sex?"

"SURPRISE! He CAN be taught!" Archer declared to himself. Rin said nothing, her gaze softening as she looked at Shirou. She nodded slowly, almost as though she were just as uncertain of this as he was.

This can't be, Shirou thought to himself, not meeting Rin's gaze. I mean, I would never have thought…but, if that's how magecraft works, and if that's the only way…I never would've imagined I could ever do such a thing with Tohsaka. I've never thought about her like that.

He looked up at Rin, who was now looking away from him, still blushing. Then again, a small voice intruded as his eyes wandered across the young woman's face. Shirou suddenly became aware of every detail, the curve of her cheeks, the tip of her nose. Her eyes seemed to shine in the pale moonlight filtering through the window, casting those deep blue sapphires in an ethereal glow. He suddenly found himself lost in the galaxies that must've lied deep in those magnificent eyes.

Tohsaka…really is quite something, isn't she?

"…Emiya-kun?"

Shirou didn't hear her. His ears seemed to shut off as his eyes took over his entire being. They followed the soft outline of the young Tohsaka's neck, the sleek curves of her shoulders, the silver cross that glowed on her chest, which rose and fell with every breath. I mean… Shirou gulped as ten thousand wild thoughts, thoughts he never imagined he'd imagined, flooded his mind.

Tohsaka…she probably hates my guts and only wants to do this because it's necessary. On the other hand…A rather stupid grin began to spread across his face. Swiggity swooty, gonna get me some magic booty.

"Emiya-kun."

The sharp address snapped Shirou out of his reverie as he realized that Rin was fixing him with a look somewhere between fury and horror. "Did…you mean to think those thoughts?"

Shirou blinked. "…did I say all of that out loud?" he asked quietly, realizing his private thoughts may not have been so private.

"…yes." Silence, then Rin began to blush again. "You, um…did a little dance and everything."

Shirou felt his stomach drop right through the floor. "I think…I think I'm gonna go find that Lancer guy and let him have another whack at me."

"No!" Rin shouted suddenly, surprising even herself. "I mean…it was…kind of endearing?" She paused, wondering if the words coming out of her mouth were at all her own. "Did you…have you ever…?"

Shirou gulped. "N-no," he said with a shuddering sigh. "The opportunity never presented itself."

Rin glared at him. "You coward!" she declared, standing up and staring down at Shirou. "The opportunity? Have you never even kissed a girl?"

"N-no!" Shirou yelped. "Like I said, I've never had the chance to do so!"

What the hell have I gotten myself into? Tohsaka thought exasperatedly as Archer audibly laughed from the rooftop. "Well…why haven't you ever asked?"

"What am I supposed to say? 'Oh, hey, there, miss, I know we don't really know each other, but do ya wanna smooch sometime?'"

"Well, it's a start!" Rin declared. "You could at least try!" She grabbed Shirou by the hand and pulled him up. "Now: tell me what you want to do."

Shirou's heart caught in his throat as all of the color ran away from his face. "W-what?"

"You heard me, damn it! Sack up and say something!"

"I…I…where do I start-"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, EMIYA-KUN?"

"I WANT TO KISS YOU, TOHSAKA!"

"GOOD! WHAT ELSE?"

"I-I kinda wanna perform the mana restoration-"

Rin smacked him. "No. What do you want?"

"I-I want to have the sex!"

"GOOD! WHY?"

"…because it's necessary for our survival?" Rin raised her hand again, and Shirou blurted out, "But also because you're super attractive and I really kinda like you and I think having sex with you would be the best damn thing ever and oh God please don't hurt me let's just make love I always kinda sorta wanted my first time to be with you maybe because you're really beautiful and stuff please don't kill me!"

Rin sighed. "Alright, Emiya, that's enough-"

"I WANT TO BANG YOU LIKE YOU'RE MY SHIN ON A COFFEE TABLE."

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, EMIYA!" Rin cried out, blushing furiously. Outside, Archer crashed into a bush after falling off of the roof in hysterics.

Shirou could feel his heart racing. He rubbed his cheek, still red from where Rin slapped him. "W-was that too much?"

Rin smirked slightly. "No, you idiot." She grabbed him by the hand and pulled him down the hallway. "Show me where your bedroom is."

Archer poked his head through the window, leaves sticking out of his silver hair. "I don't remember any of this." He dove through the window, unnecessarily tumbling into a stealthy stance as he peered down the hallway and watched his Master drag his younger self into the room that was once his. "But, if I remember this next part correctly, this is where I royally screw up," Archer said to himself. He stood up, brushing off his crimson coat. I mustn't let that happen, he thought as he walked down the hall towards his old room.

Moonlight filtered in through the window, casting soft and pale rays across the room. On the other side of the glass, the Emiya garden glowed in the lunar light, flower petals dancing in the gentle breeze.

Inside the rather sparsely furnished bedroom, Rin Tohsaka and Shirou Emiya sat on their knees on the bed, inches apart. Rin watched Shirou expectantly. "Are you ready, Emiya-kun?" she asked a little too politely.

"I, um…" Shirou gulped. "I-I guess so…"

Rin nodded slightly. "Well, then," she said, lying on her back. "Let's get to it."

The wind purred gently through a crack in the window. Like a cool whisper, Shirou could feel the breeze caress his neck. He watched as that same cool breeze washed over Rin, sending a soft chill up the young girl's spine. Her expression seemed to relax, and she smiled up at the ginger-haired Emiya with her fathomless aqua eyes. "Well?" she said coyly. "What are you waiting for?"

Shirou's face burned as red as Rin's shirt. "Tohsaka," he whispered gently. He crawled over her, right above her now, almost straddling her. Inches away from his face was hers, his nervous hazel eyes fixed on her patient blue ones. He leaned forward and closed his eyes. Finally, he thought. This is…

His hand slipped.

Shirou Emiya's face landed with a painful thud between Tohsaka's breasts.

"Ow!" Rin yelped. "God damn it, Emiya!" With a mighty swing of her leg, she gracefully lifted Shirou up by his midsection and flung him into the wall, sending him crashing into a bookcase. "What the hell was that?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Shirou cried, a cross pattern imprinted across his face where he had unexpectedly landed.

"Don't apologize to me, you idiot!" Rin shouted. She started throwing pillows at him. "You awkward sonofabitch, I knew this was a bad idea!"

Suddenly, a bright blue blur crashed through the window and tackled the Tohsaka girl to the ground. When the dust cleared, Shirou stared in horror as a young blonde lady in blue-and-silver armor pinned Rin to the ground. "Intruder!" the blonde knight yelled. "How dare you lower my Master's defenses with your pelvic sorcery!"

"SABER, PLEASE STOP!" Shirou yelled. "It's Tohsaka! Our ally!"

The woman known as Saber, the reincarnation of King Arthur who Shirou had inadvertently summoned days before as his Servant and was thusly the chief cause for his current mana-less state, looked up at her redheaded master, then back down at the raven-haired woman staring daggers at her attacker. Saber stood up and brushed herself off. "My apologies, Lady Tohsaka," she said quite formally, "but it sounded like my Master was under attack."

"Yeah, well," Rin grumbled, standing and straightening her skirt, "that's understandable. Occupational hazard, I'm sure."

"Might I inquire," Saber said, "as to what sort of affair was being conducted in my Master's sleeping quarters?" After Rin and Shirou both refused to respond and instead glanced awkwardly at each other and blushed, Saber continued. "Were we discussing battle strategies? Plans of attack, perhaps? I assure you, I would be of great assistance in making such plans."

"No, Saber," Rin started, then stopped herself. "Though, th-that's not to say that what we were doing wasn't important to our battle plan, per se–"

"Then I implore you, Master," Saber interrupted, turning to Shirou, "please include me in your strategy! What sort of business were you conducting–?"

"Mana restoration!" Shirou blurted out without the slightest hint of decency.

Rin stared up at the sky in anguish, cursing whatever cruel god put her in this situation. Somewhere in Fuyuki, Angra Mainyu chuckled to himself.

Saber blinked. "Ah," she said simply, her formal attitude dissolving slightly. "I must say, I wouldn't have expected my Master to ever find himself in this sort of situation."

Shirou stared at his Servant like she had just slapped a baby. How could she say such a thing about him? In front of the girl he was about to sleep with, no less! Rin, however, was greatly amused and didn't bother to hide it in her expression. "Saber, are you saying that your Master couldn't get a girl if he tried?"

"With all due respect to my Master," Saber said matter-of-factly, "the only girl I've ever seen express any interest in him is the violet-haired one, and he's as oblivious to her advances as a spider is to the boot above its head."

By this point, Shirou had curled up into a ball, sobbing. "Screw this," Rin decided. "I'm leaving."

Shirou's heart sank. Not only had he screwed up finally getting the chance to be intimate with a woman–and not just any woman, but the gorgeous Rin Tohsaka, of all people–but he had also ruined his only chance at conducting the mana restoration ritual. Father, he thought to himself, as a Hero of Justice, I have failed you. I have failed us all.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," a masculine voice suddenly bellowed. Before anyone could react, Archer ripped Shirou's bedroom door off the wall and tossed it aside. He strode over to Shirou and picked him up by his shirt collar. "You damned fool! Be a man!"

"But you guys are being mean!" Shirou whined. "How much of my house are you all gonna destroy?"

Archer wanted nothing more than to beat the crap out of his younger self. But nobody in the room knew that about him yet. As far as the Tohsaka girl knew, her botched summoning ritual had brought Archer into the world with no memory of who he might have been in a past life, and Archer was just fine with that.

That being said, he knew that if these two kids didn't perform the mana restoration ritual tonight, they wouldn't stand a chance against the Masters and Servants still running around Fuyuki in their desperate attempts to hunt them down.

Archer threw Shirou onto the bed, where he landed in a heap next to Rin. "Listen here!" he declared, pointing at the awkward couple. "You two are going to perform this ritual, and we're going to help you!"

"What do you mean, 'help'?" Shirou blurted out.

"And who the hell is 'we'?" Rin added indignantly.

Archer looked across the room at the other Servant in the house. "Saber, do you know anything about performing this ritual?"

Saber nodded firmly. "I should think so. After all, I fathered a child." Before Shirou could open his mouth to raise objections regarding anatomy, Saber glanced at her Master and said, quite cryptically, "Magic in my day was very strange, believe me."

"Why would we need your help, Archer?" Rin said quite impatiently.

Archer raised an eyebrow and replied, "Emiya isn't the only virgin in the room."

Rin's entire face flushed so quickly, one would think she had just been hit in the face with a bucket of red paint. "H-how the flying hell do you even know that?" she shrieked a little louder than she may have wanted.

Because I've been here before and learned as much, Archer wanted to say. Instead, he smirked and simply said, "We share a mental link, my Master. You should be more careful about where you mind drifts."

"You shut up, you little shit!" Rin barked at her Servant. "I swear I'll use a Command Seal to sew your mouth shut!"

"Lady Tohsaka," Saber politely interjected. "There is no shame at being inexperienced in the art of consummation."

"Why me," Rin sobbed. She picked up the one pillow remaining on the bed and buried her face in it.

She suddenly felt arms wrap around her. Lowering her pillow, she saw Shirou hugging her gently. He lifted a hand up to her face and gently wiped a tear from her eye. "Don't worry, Tohsaka," he said, smiling his idiotically endearing smile. "We can figure this out together, okay?"

Rin sniffled a bit, and then she smiled slightly. "Okay," she said.

The two teenagers watched each other, neither one saying a word. The silence settled around them like the moonlight shining on their faces, basking them in its cool glow. Rin's eyes began to sparkle again, an endless galaxy stretching forever into those deep blue seas. Her gaze rested on Shirou's eyes, glimmering gold in the pale light, a thousand splendid suns shimmering and fixated on the endless cosmos behind the young woman's eyes.

Rin Tohsaka leaned forward, and, softly, gently, she kissed Shirou Emiya's lips. Her arms dropped the pillow and found their way around Shirou's torso, pulling him closer to her. For a moment, neither of them moved. Then, Rin pulled away slightly, smiling. "How was that?" she asked shyly.

The ghost of a grin played across Shirou's lips. "Warm."

"That was so cute, I'm gonna cry!" Archer gushed, breaking the silence.

"WILL YOU LEAVE?" Tohsaka snapped at her Servant. "We have to…y'know…remove our clothing and stuff!"

"It's nothing I haven't seen before," Archer said a bit too quickly.

The silence that settled over the room that time was not as pleasant. The color ran away from Rin's face. "You…are you…"

Crap, Archer thought, standing up suddenly. I've given myself away! This is it! I've–

"Have you been spying on me in the shower?" Rin demanded in a high-pitched squeak.

"That's exactly right!" Archer declared, willingly flinging himself from the frying pan and into the fire.

Suddenly, metal connected fiercely with the back of his head as Saber smacked Archer with her invisible sword. "That's uncouth and not at all chivalrous!" Saber shouted at the silver-haired Servant.

"But, Saber," Shirou said slowly, "you didn't seem to mind when I walked in on you in the bath the other day."

Saber promptly ceased her beating of the other Servant, but she did not turn to look at her Master. "…that was an accident," she said simply. "Besides, you reacted in a far more gentlemanly manner than I expected."

"…I ran out of the room screaming," Shirou said. "I don't see how–"

"What's important right now," Saber continued, turning to face the Masters, "is that my mana is running low, and I'm growing impatient." She raised her invisible sword and aimed it at the young couple. "Allow me to expedite this process."

Before either of the teenagers could react, Saber announced with a commanding tone, "Strike Air!"

A gust of wind burst forth from her blade and whipped against the teens. Shirou shut his eyes and shielded his face from the blast.

When he felt the breeze die down, he noticed that he felt a bit colder than usual. Opening his eyes, he soon realized that his clothes had been blown clean off of his body. "What the–"

"You crazy bitch!" Shirou's head whipped around to find Rin hugging a pillow against her bare torso, eyes wide with horror. Her hair had also been knocked out of its pigtails and was now hanging down past her waist. "Why the hell did you do that?"

"My apologies, Lady Tohsaka," Saber said, relaxing a bit, "but like I said, my mana is running low, and I tend to be quite irritable in this state." She turned to leave the room. "If any of us wish to have a chance at winning the Holy Grail, I suggest you two get to it," she said shortly as she left through the doorway.

Archer stood up, stretching. "Yeah, I've changed my mind," he said. "I think I'll wait outside and keep watch. If you two need any help, you know where to find me." He walked into the garden through the broken window and leapt back onto the roof.

Finally, they were alone again. Rin narrowed her eyes and hugged the pillow tighter. "So…Emiya-kun," she said softly, not looking at him, "are you ready or what?"

Shirou shrugged. "I guess? We don't really have a choice now, do we?"

"Hm. Very well," Rin said shortly. "But this time," she added, pushing Shirou onto his back, "I'm on top."

Rin began to climb over Shirou, her hands resting by his shoulders. She took a moment to take in his image, pleasantly surprised at how much more muscular he was than she had expected, given that she had rarely seen Shirou out of baggy t-shirts and that unflattering school uniform. She gently caressed the curve of his biceps, fingernails softly tracing the outline of his neck muscles, tickling him as she carved indiscriminate shapes across his chest and abdomen. Her fingers drifted back up his torso, and, feeling a bit playful, she gently flicked the redheaded boy on the nose. He chucked slightly, and she smiled sweetly in response.

While Rin was busy admiring Shirou's musculature, Shirou allowed his eyes to drift across Rin's body as well. The moonlight lit up the soft curves of her hips, the gentle outline of her back. Her relatively conservative outfit, Shirou decided, betrayed her body, her slender torso, her soft and supple breasts, all of which glowed in such spectacular fashion in the cool blue light. His hands reached up and stroked her silky skin, tracing the magical circuits that were tattooed down her arms. His eyes absorbed her entirely, from the gentle slope of her waist and her thighs all the way back up to her eyes. Shirou swallowed slightly, and he took a deep breath.

"I'm ready when you are, Tohsaka."

Oh, thank God, Archer thought from the roof. And here I was thinking the author was having too much fun with adjectives to want to make those two actually do anything.

That signature look of determination washed over Rin's face, and she leaned forward and kissed Shirou. This one was harder, more forceful than the first, and as she slowly pulled her head back, Shirou found himself moving towards her, holding his lips against hers. He suddenly sat up, his arms wrapping around her body as her legs folded around his waist, and, instinctively, as though nature itself took over his being, he pulled her body right up to his.

Rin yelped, breaking the kiss and letting her cry echo into the night sky as she felt Shirou's body entering her own, sinking into her. She clenched her fists, her fingernails digging into his back and her head resting on his shoulder as her legs squeezed tightly around him, pulling Shirou deeper. Shirou's jaw dropped, and his eyes widened in surprise as this overwhelming, indescribable warmth washed over him.

For a moment, they held each other, neither of them moving. Rin tried as best as she could to steady her breathing, the sensation of another person filling her body sending warm waves through her stomach. She could feel her heart pounding through her chest, and she could also feel Shirou's heart beating back against her own. Shirou kept Rin hugged close, and, finally, when he collected his thoughts, all he could say was, "Tohsaka…now what?"

Rin resisted the urge to slap him. Instead, she chuckled and said, "Emiya-kun, you really are an idiot." She fixed him with her gaze, and Shirou found himself stunned by how beautiful Rin looked when she genuinely smiled. "We keep going." She gently pushed Shirou back onto his back as she straddled him and kissed him yet again, deeper, more passionately. Her hips began to move, grinding against him, rising up and sliding down. Shirou's hands found Rin's arms again, and he held her, returning her kisses. Soon, his own hips started moving, matching Rin's rhythm, and as he began to thrust in response, he could hear soft sighs resonating within the raven-haired beauty's chest.

"Emiya-kun…" The tender moan escaped her lips, a gentle purr that caressed Shirou's ears with sweet surrender.

An odd clicking sound began to fill the room, distracting Shirou. He turned his head towards his bedroom door, and he stopped moving, his face turning white.

"Tohsaka?"

"Mm?"

"Dolphin."

Rin blinked. "Excuse me?"

Shirou pointed, and Rin followed his finger to the doorway. Standing in the room were Archer and Saber, holding a very confused and slightly annoyed dolphin, angrily clicking away. "What in hell…"

Archer shrugged. "It seemed appropriate."

"Will you get out of here?" Shirou said, aggravated.

"But Master," Saber insisted, "it's canon!"

"LEAVE!" Rin shouted. She pointed her hand at the Servants and bellowed, "Gandr!" A blood-red bullet fired out of her finger and exploded at the Servants' feet.

Archer leapt backwards, dropping the dolphin. "Yeah, we should probably go."

He sprinted away, leaving Saber to hoist the dolphin over her shoulder. "Where are you going?" she shouted after him. "You brought the animal here! You have to take it back!"

She took off down the hall, chasing after the other Servant. Shirou laughed nervously. "So, uh, Tohsaka…do you want to maybe–"

Rin interrupted the young mage with another passionate kiss. A fire had lit up in her eyes, and she growled, "You bet your sweet ass I do." She flipped him over and pulled him close, kissing him again and again.

Maybe an hour or so later, Saber was sitting on the rooftop, watching the moon glowing over Fuyuki and wondering what was taking the Masters so long. Suddenly, she felt a great magic lift her into the air. The wind howled and wrapped around her, and her body surged with an intense, magical energy.

Archer climbed onto the roof. "Saber, what–"

"I do believe," Saber said, examining her hands as her eyes glowed with awesome power, "that the ritual was a success!" She landed back on her feet, and she turned to look at Archer. "I mean, look at you!"

Archer looked down at his hands, and he saw his own body glowing with refreshing mana. "My God," he said simply. "We've both been revitalized?" He looked up at Saber and added, "I didn't think that's how it worked."

They leapt down into the garden and peered around the window at their Masters, cuddled up together under a blanket, breathless and with the dumbest grins etched across their faces. "Well, I'll be damned," Archer said, impressed.

"None of this would've happened without your interference, I suppose," Saber said.

"You're right." Archer paused. "I have a lot of explaining to do tomorrow." He looked at Saber and said, rather unhelpfully, "Emiya needs to know the truth."

At the end of the world, at the edge of time, a young man with tanned skin and silver hair, his crimson cloak billowing in the wind, kneeled before the spirit of the World, the great and powerful collective consciousness of mankind, the being called Alaya. "I ask thee, Emiya Shirou," the awesome power proclaimed, "why do you wish to become a Heroic Spirit?"

Shirou Emiya's thoughts raced behind his gray eyes, but his conscience was clear. The only way he had gotten this far, the only way he had managed to save his friends, his town, his world during the Fifth Holy Grail War, was because he was able to successfully conduct the mana restoration process with Rin Tohsaka. Even though he had royally screwed up initially, it was his future self that had saved him and, through absolute embarrassment, had ensured that the process would be conducted.

Shirou knew that this was only possible because he had become a Heroic Spirit. He was summoned at just the right place and time to save his younger self from destroying the world via abject humiliation.

He knew he had no choice but to repeat the cycle, to save not only the world, but also himself.

"I ask thee again, Emiya Shirou," the spirit of the World declared, "why do you wish to become a Heroic Spirit?"

Shirou Emiya stood, fixing the mighty Alaya with his powerful gaze.

Are you proud of me now, Father?

His goals were set, and, with conviction in his heart, he announced:

"Swiggity Swooty, gotta get that magic booty."

"THIS CONTRACT HAS BEEN SEALED."

END