Title - I Can't Stop This Feeling I've Got

Chapter 1

"So you heard from Luca?"

The three Carter siblings were sitting around the breakfast table, all still clad in their pyjamas. Their parents were still in bed, recovering after a busy Friday night in the pub.

Johnny looked up from his cornflakes, his head leaning on his hand. "Uh, no? Not for a few weeks now." His blue eyes fell to the bowl of soggy cereal.

His sister Nancy continued. "You serious?" She shook her head in disgust. "That's shocking, man. I mean, he comes over here and leads you on -"

Johnny looked up again, his face screwed up in confusion. "Where you get this stuff, Nance?" He gestured to himself with his hand. "It was me who liked him."

"Yeah, I know..." she said, sitting up from her slouched position on the chair. "But it's just bad doing that to you."

Johnny could feel the heat travelling to his cheeks already. "Well, thanks Nancy," he shot back, aware already it was dripping with sarcasm. "I mean, as if I don't feel bad about it just now, let's discuss it in even more detail."

Lee had been texting Whitney but his attention was now in the room. His eyebrows raised, he cautiously listened to his siblings' conversation continue.

Nancy wasn't about to apologise. "Whoa, Johnny, too far," she objected. "I just asked about him. It's not my fault he's being a complete arse with you."

Johnny opened his mouth to retaliate, his face now burning with anger.

Lee interjected before he got the chance. "Look, Nancy's just saying..." he started gently, eyes on his little brother. "Maybe you need to move on from - him - and find someone, y'know, nearer."

"Wow. Cheers for the support, Lee," Johnny spluttered. He stood up, his chair squeaking back along the kitchen floor. "Actually, thanks both of you."

He scooped up his dishes and dropped them in the sink. He turned to face them again.

"All my fault apparently," he surmised angrily. The sympathetic looks on Lee and Nancy's faces only made it worse. "Well, I'm going out. Who knows... might not be single for much longer."

He stormed out of the kitchen before they had a chance to reply. He made into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Seriously? is all he could think. Because they two think they have fantastic love lives, they can talk about mine?

He paced the room, fists clenched.

They had been in Walford now since last Christmas and after being pushed out of the closet by Nancy, Johnny had no luck meeting decent guys. There had been Danny, who turned out to be a cheat of every description, and then Luca. He knew Luca was in Italy but he had expected a text. Or a call. Just anything.

Nothing had though. Johnny had to admit that it was looking unlikely he would be with Luca again. The thought only worsened his mood. He needed away ... away from this place. Maybe then he would be feel happier. Like that was going to happen, he thought with a frown. For now a walk with Lady Di would need to do.

He listened at the door to make sure Lee and Nancy were still in the kitchen. It sounded like they were so he quickly opened the door, collected a towel from the airing cupboard and made for the bathroom.

_

After a quick shower and getting himself ready, Johnny put on his navy blue hoodie over dark t-shirt and jeans. He swept his dark hair to the side and made a quick check in the mirror before leaving his room.

He whistled for Lady Di. The bulldog came running from the living room. He ran downstairs and out the Vic's back door, Lady Di following behind. Once outside, he leaned down and clipped the dog lead to collar, and continued out onto the Market.

It was mid-November and the stalls were filled with Christmas stuff. Johnny could only wince as he walked amongst it. He enjoyed Christmas but only in December. You know, like it was supposed to go.

He had no time for it this year anyway, Johnny thought. He loved his family and spending time with them was always good but there was nothing else in Walford for him.

He sighed to himself and made for the caff for something to warm him up.

Johnny swung gently on the tyre swing, blowing on his hot chocolate to cool it down. Lady Di lay on the ground below him. She laid with her back to him. He assumed the cool breeze in the air was not to her liking. Johnny was content and was savouring the quiet.

He could go to Grandma Elaine's, he thought. She had always told him he was welcome there. And she was fine with him being gay. As long as she didn't try and match him up with anyone, it'd be fine.

That sounds exactly like something she would do. Damn. Okay, let's rethink ...

He heard a voice call for him. "Johnny?" He shook himself from his musings and turned to look.

It was Peter Beale. Johnny had spent some time with him through Whitney. He was a nice guy, although a bit quiet. They had talked a few times and been to the same night outs. He wasn't sure he would call Peter a close mate though.

Johnny lifted his free hand and gave a small wave. Peter returned it and came to join him in the play park.

Johnny's eyes quickly registered Peter's tanned upper arms and instinctively his eyes hovered down over the rest of his body. He looked like he'd been running; sweat lay on his brow and he appeared slightly out of breath. Johnny's eyes continued and widened as they fell to Peter's jogging bottoms. They clung tight to his thighs and weren't discreet at all in hiding his -

Stop, Johnny thought, quickly shaking his head in protest to his own mind.

Peter sat down on the other swing. He placed a bottle beside him. "Mate," he started, with a curious expression showing. "You alright?"

Johnny could be sure only of two things right now; his hot chocolate was still way too hot, as it burned against the palm of his hand. The other was that his face was a bright shade of red.

He attempted to compose himself. "Me?" he could only splutter. "I mean. Yeah. I'm fine. And you? ... Are you okay?"

Peter gently laughed. He was now petting Lady Di's stomach. "I'm good," he smiled. "What are you doing out here. Bit cold for it, isn't it?"

Johnny measured his reply before he spoke. He was confident that Peter was not interested in his problems. "Ah, just collecting my thoughts, y'know?" Johnny gave a smile. "What about you? You look done in."

"Cardio," Peter gestured to the protein flask on the ground. His brow suddenly fell and his expression became more serious. "And bit of the same. Needed out of the house. Bit of quiet to think, I guess."

Johnny opened his mouth to ask, but his mind quickly caught up.

Lucy.

She had been dead six months now and there hadn't been anyone charged for her murder. Johnny couldn't imagine what Peter and his family were going through. If he lost Nance .. he stopped. The thought was too difficult to even process and a sharp pang of guilt struck his stomach when he thought of their bickering that morning.

"You know..." Johnny started gently. He wasn't sure what he was even saying or how Peter would take it. "If you ever needed someone to talk to - about anything - I'm here."

Peter didn't respond and his head remained hung in sadness. Johnny could have kicked himself. Of course he didn't want to tell him. They weren't even close mates, he reminded himself. He would need to apologise.

"I'm sorry, mate. I didn't mean anything." he said apologetically.

Peter brought his eyes up to meet Johnny's. "It's fine," he started quietly. Johnny's heart lifted in relief. "It's just ... I miss her, y'know? I miss our chats. I miss her laugh. God, I even miss us arguing."

Johnny's heart fell quickly again. He was positive he could see Peter's eyes slowly filling with tears. "Of course," he replied cautiously. "I mean, you were so close. It's when you don't have them to talk to, or whatever, that you realise how much they really mean to you." He suddenly thought of Nancy.

Peter nodded in return. "You're right," he said. "It's weird not having her there. At the house. Or at the caff. It's like I'm alone and -" He and Johnny shared the same contemplative look.

Peter stopped himself and rubbed his eyes quickly. "Don't listen to me, Johnny," he insisted. He grabbed his flask from the ground, and made to leave. "You don't wanna hear all this."

"Wait!" Johnny assured him. "It's alright. I mean, I've never really lost anyone. And I'm rubbish at advice but if it helps you, I'm happy to listen."

Peter considered it for a moment and sat back on the swing.

"You sure?" he asked.

Johnny nodded once more. "Completely," he answered with a smile.

"So what about you?" Peter asked. Peter's voice was now strong again. "Everything okay?"

No, Johnny thought, but his situation was nothing compared to his.

"Just family stuff," he lied. "Nothing major."

Peter didn't look convinced. "It goes both ways, mate. If you wanna chat, I'm here too."

Johnny smiled. "Thanks, Peter."

The two young men now looked more relaxed than they had for days. Peter stood to leave.

"I better get back," he said. Was that regret in his voice? thought Johnny. "You have my number, right?"

"Yeah, I think I do," He had probably got it from Lauren or that.

"Text me and we'll catch a beer or that."

Johnny beamed. "Yeah, that would be cool."

Peter gave a final pet to Lady Di and walked to the play park gate. Johnny watched as he left; Peter's joggers were as fitted at the back and, Johnny had to admit, showed his arse nicely.

He cursed at himself and looked down to his own lap. He realised his hot chocolate was now only lukewarm and he was sure if he touched his nose, it would be frozen too.

"C'mon, Lady Di," he said. The bulldog raised its head. He grabbed the lead and got up. "Better get back and get you warmed up. I've got amends to make as well." He made for the gate.

He kept thinking about Peter as he made his way back to the pub. He had experienced a different side to him today. He always thought of the Beale boy as the strong, silent type. Now he had seen a gentler side. And he had trusted Johnny enough to confide in him about Lucy.

It was only one chat in the park, Johnny reminded himself. Still, he couldn't help but smile when he thought about it.

For all different reasons.