AN: I finally decided to upload Countdown to Insanity on , because it really is a beautiful story, and I hope to continue this eventually. There also needs to be more Hidakona on this site. Enjoy. 3

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I opened my eyes weakly. Then I widened them in surprise, and slight panic. I couldn't see! I blinked a couple of times…. Then I was aware of something crushing my head. Something heavy. I felt pain all over my body. Excruciating pain. Then, I realized, I was in the dark.

Was it nighttime?

I figured I shouldn't panic. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the crushing darkness, and even then, it was hard to see. Rocks. I was surrounded by rocks….. I tried moving, then I realized, I couldn't feel my hands… or my legs… I tried moving my head, but that got me no where. I was paralyzed as well? I moved my eyes, and cringed. One of my eyes was swollen…. Probably from that giant fucking rock on my head. I closed that one, and used my good eye. Then I gasped. I saw a severed foot next to my head in the darkness, then… as I stared longer at it… I realized it was mine. My foot. What was going on? Was that my foot? Was that why I couldn't move my legs? Where's the rest of my body? What is it with all these rocks? What happened? Was I dead? What was going on? None of my questions gave an answer. I struggled to remember… anything before then, why I was here….. but I couldn't…. Nothing came to mind…. Before then…. There was nothing…..

I forced myself to take deep breaths to calm down… but the pain of doing so hurt… So I stopped. I figured I had a little slight case of amnesia due to that fucking rock crushing my head and puffing up my eyelid… There were only a few things I could remember…. I knew….. that I was immortal…. How? I did not know… but I knew I was unable to die. So… me being trapped in a hole with severed body parts is actually common place. And I knew…. I liked to fucking curse….. a lot…. But those are the only two things I could remember about myself. As for my name or past experiences…. Or past relationships…. There was nothing. But there was nothing I could do about it. I sighed. The pain hurt. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep, surprised how easily exhausted I was… But I guess being body parts being crushed by thousands of boulders does that to ya…

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I woke up. Surrounded by Darkness again. I frowned. A little disappointed. I had hoped that the fact of me being surrounded by rocks chopped into bits and was slightly amnesic was a fucking bad dream… A fool's hope I suppose. I sighed. Then I felt a sharp pain. I wondered where my chest and lungs were… It really did hurt to breath deeply sometimes…and my torso… and my…..

I blushed.

I… I didn't want to think about that….

Well… since I already was thinking about it…. I suppose… From what I feel….It's not being crushed by anything…nothing life threatening anyway…compared with the chest and the lungs and the legs and the arms…. It's actually small…. Compared with other parts of the body….So maybe it slipped through a crack somewhere…. that's all I can make of my… well… 'important' parts…

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Okay, shut the fuck up! Don't think about stuff like that! Geez… what's wrong with me…..

Well, I guess I'm bored. Not much to do as a severed head surrounded by crushing blackness with no one to talk to… Not even old experiences to recount upon…. I could try to remember them…. But how could I do that? I can't even remember my own name…. Well, I know I like to fucking curse, and I'm a badass fucking immortal…. That's something….. I sighed. I closed my eyes again. Sleep had already become a habit here…. I tire of energy so quickly in this hellhole….

My eyes shot open.

Hellhole? Hole? Hole….. I was in a hole! I remembered something… I was in a hole! I was…. Yes… In a hole underground….. I…. I was blown up… by a paper bomb… and I fell into this hole….. and rocks buried me…. I was still a little shaky on the details…. I knew there was more too it then that… that it was manipulative and planned out….. or some shit similar….. Something…. That involved a fight…. I winced… my head hurt. I was trying to remember too much in one shot… I was going to sigh, but then I remembered that hurt… So I decided not too…. I smirked instead. Well, at least I was remembering some things…. I closed my eyes. I'll try my best to remember more each day…. For now, that was my goal.

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I woke up again. Still surrounded by darkness. I don't know how long I've been in here. I knew I woke up two days ago, but how long was I in there before then? And….. were those even days? I lost track of all time in here. I closed my eyes. Not tired. Just thinking. The silence helped me. It was nearly like meditation…. Medi-? Meditation? Did I…. used to do that? I think I did…. For whom? My god….. Who was my god?

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That question didn't accomplish an answer from my shattered brain.

Nothing came to mind.

That memory was lost.

Then, for reasons unknown to me…. I felt tears sting my eyes. Why…. Was I crying? I never cried…. Never once in my fucking immortal life… Why was I so sad….? DAMN IT ALL!

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Deep down, I think I knew why… No. Not deep down… I know why. I knew… I had once mediated for my god…. And…. To have done something spiritual like that…. I must have been truly and undoubtedly devoted to him….. or her….. I can't remember… I cried…..because I knew that this was an important part of what my life once was…. And…. I couldn't even remember my own god. I'm sure… him…. Or her…. Is disappointed in me…. I still, had some feelings… in my heart, for what I felt for my god, but the memory, the reconciliation…. Wasn't there. I didn't know my god. All I knew, is that I had one. And he..or she… IT was very important to me… and I was crying because to me…. It felt as if I was forgetting a long life friend. But… If my god had been SO important to me… why did it let this happen? Why was I here? Why couldn't I remember it's name, or anything about it…. Besides that I used to love it…. I opened my eyes, tears dripping down my cheeks. I croaked out in the hole, my voice harsh and withered and weak, "M-my god…. I don't remember you…. Do you remember me…..?"

No response. I cried even more. What was the point? To me…. My god didn't exist anymore, at least…Not in the strong sense that I think I felt for it once…. God has left me. Left me alone… To die…. Then, I smiled. I felt strangely happy. I don't regret not remembering my god. If my god was cruel like this…. I don't think I would want to follow it again. God has left me. And for the first time…. Knowing that my god has left me…. I felt happy. I couldn't explain why… It was weird… I was betrayed by my god, whom I couldn't remember…..so in turn…. I betrayed it…..But I was content… I smiled slightly, and closed my eyes contemplating the feeling of why I was happy…

Then… As I drifted off to sleep, it hit me….

Freedom.

I was finally free.

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I woke up again. Still in darkness. But for some reason, I was surrounded by cheerful optimism that is hard to find when your body is slowly rotting away. Let's see what else I can remember today…. I already know… I got blown up, crushed down in a hole, and had a god. A fucking worthless god. I smiled. It was nice to hear those words in my head. I had a feeling the 'old me' would be cursing myself for such blasphemy, but…. I didn't fucking care! I loved hearing those words in my head… god had left me. There was no god. And if my god did exist… he/she/it can rot in a hole… well… not this hole… a different hole.. I don't want it near me after what it did to me…. Well….. enough badmouthing my so-called 'god'…. I better start from the basics…. More specific… how did I get here? I know I got blown up by paper bombs…. There was a lot….. I tried to remember how many, but that was impossible… well, I know now I'm not good at fucking math…. Then… something else… the bombs… and the pit…. It was a trap…. I was fooled here….. led here….. I closed my eyes, struggling to remember…. I still felt that rock on my head…. That was probably the cause of my slight amnesia… Then I opened my eyes… I remembered…..something…. but this was foggy, almost as if it was a dream…. Or a memory from when I was two…..

"Your bullshit doesn't scare me…

You see….You and I…. we believe in very different things…

I believe in the will of fire.

And that so-called-god…_ isn't your god anymore…. I am.

The only one passing judgment is me."

I could barely remember those words…. I still couldn't remember my god..… I even struggled to remember who spoke those words..….. I then realized I didn't know his name…. but I could remember his face…. Fucking ugly kid, with a damn pineapple ponytail… It burned my insides up thinking about him… but…. I couldn't remember….. what I yelled at him before I was buried. Something about…. Passing judgment…. Biting him to death… some bullshit like that… That seemed so meaningless now. I didn't even know what I did to the kid to make him so angry as to blow me up…. It must have been something truly horrible…. But then again….. I didn't feel like I was a horrible person. Everything I did back then…. It was for my god. My god was the horrible person… or thing… what ever the fuck it was…. I didn't believe that brat was my god neither. He had said that to make me frustrated, and inferior, and I think it had worked…. But….. what did I do to that kid to make him do this to me? ….. I then vaguely remembered I used to kill for my god…. Had I killed someone important to him? That must have been it… Well fuck you, retard! I didn't KNOW! I've killed many, I remembered…. Many… thousands… for my god… then…. I frowned… so many lives lost over something that didn't exist. If I ever got out of here… I could maybe apologize, to everyone I hurt…. but I don't think that would cut it. It would be best for me to avoid them…. Never see those people again. I knew, that I had been so fixed on revenge… I had a feeling, because of the acid rising in my gut whenever I thought of that ponytailed kid, but….. I figured…. Living with the pain of losing a loved one is pretty good enough revenge for me… I don't want to kill anymore. At least….. Not for my god. Killing that bastard only out of vengeance for what he did to my god would kill me. I didn't believe in god. I don't want to kill for him/her/it. When I get out of here….. If I ever do….. I will still slaughter…. Oh yes…. I remember I loved to do that…. I will still slaughter… but not in the name of my old god…. No… In the name of myself. Kill what I want, when I want, how I want…. With my scythe…

Scythe…?

SCYTHE! I remembered my weapon! How could I forget that? I remembered the pure ecstasy I got during a slaughter, waving that thing around… stretching out the cord, mid-range, and close combat plus taijustu were my specialty… I grinned in the dark… oh god, how I wish I had my body and my scythe… I would have loved to feel that thing in my hands….

I grinned excited. I was remembering so much in just one day… I waited for more memories to show themselves as my thoughts continued to wander…. But nothing else did… Well, I shouldn't expect to much…. My memories are shattered…. I closed my eyes…. Sleeping had definitely become a habit now…. Remember something, then go to bed… Well, my goal was simple. Just try to regain my memories while trapped here…. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll recount everything before I die…

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Oh wait…

I can't….

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I woke up again. Still surrounded by darkness. I wonder how long my naps were? Did they last a few minutes….. or a few hours… or days perhaps years? That last one seemed lengthily… Longer then my other rests… Was I dying? Then, I reminded myself I couldn't die….

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Then Something hit me. My immortality came from my god. How could I have forgotten that? Well, I guess that meant that I was slowly dying since I declared blasphemy on him. Or her… IT! What the fuckever! I don't even remember…. Well, even if I was dying because I no longer believed in that god… I didn't care. I was still free. I still felt free.

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I might as well try to remember my own name…. since nothing else really comes to mind…..

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Shit..

I don't even know my own name…. I feel pathetic.. I don't even know who I am. I sighed…. I am me. I decided.

Yes…

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I woke up. Had I fallen asleep? My naps are becoming more unpredictable now… as when I awaken as well. I could tell by the way I felt, I was unconscious for maybe a week. I'm becoming more unconscious these days then unconscious… I knew I was going to die soon…. But not for awhile. Perhaps a year at best… If I hold on long enough. I want to hold on. A hole, is a miserable existence…. But….. at least I was free… free from my god….

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I woke up. I knew that was a real long nap. Days? Months? Rocks around me. Still alive. I was still here…. Why….. why hadn't anyone come to get me…. Did anyone like me? My god…. Disowned me, that fucker blew me up… and now…. No one got me…. I knew…. Feeling like this was pathetic… but can you blame me? I don't even know how long I was trapped in this…. In this… this….

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly, all my feelings of hatred, mistrust, sadness, despair, pain, and hopelessness came out in just one exclamation… I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I cursed. I cursed the fucking sky, the fucking ground, my fucking god, my fucking head, I cursed myself. I cursed the plants… I cursed my life. I cursed everything imaginable, I screamed, I cried. Everything I held back, was being pushed forward through my hoarse throat. I wasn't dying… Too early. Then.. when I had near exhausted my voice… I found myself crying…. Full blown crying. Sobbing….. Not even caring. I didn't care. I let the tears come. They streamed down my face… I blubbered and sobbed… I whimpered…. I cried and cried. I cried because I couldn't remember most of anything else, I cried because I was in a hole, I cried because my god had forsaken me, but most of all, I cried because….. no one came to get me. After all this time. Where was everyone? I lost all my memory of past relationships… but I'm sure I had friends…. Or…. Co-workers…. Associates… acquaintances… of some sort… why didn't they come and get me… after all this time? My god left me for dead. That pineapple ponytail brat left me for dead… my friends left me for dead.

Did no one like me? Was I just a huge nuisance to them? Was I that horrible of a person…. I sobbed…. I knew I hated self-pity, but….. I cried even more. I couldn't stop myself. I cried and cried… everything seemed so hopeless…. My life was hopeless….. I wanted to die…. If my god hated me…. Why didn't it just fucking kill me now? I sobbed….. "KILL ME! KILL ME YOU MOTHER FUCKER! YOU HATE ME, EH?! I FAILED YOU! I DON'T REMEMBER YOU! I THINK YOUR SHIT NOW! I DON'T EVEN LOVE YOU ANYMORE! WHY DON'T YOU KILL ME?! YOU HATE ME, RIGHT?! RIGHT?! Kill me….." I cried. "just kill me….." my angry shouts became soft whimpers..… "just kill me…d-d-damn it…"

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I lost track of time… Days came and went. I woke. I slept. I woke. I slept. Each day was a living hell, each time I went to sleep, I hoped that I would be dead… every time I woke… I felt like crying… And I think I did. When did I become such a pussy….? I didn't really care. All sense of pride was lost for me. I was lower then shit. I was a starving, dying, animal, wanting to be put down. Nothing was good in this life for me. It tortured me to live. Every day. Was this my god's punishment? Other then death?... earlier…. I had felt death coming to me…. Now….. I no longer feel it. I think my god, gave me my immortality back. Just to torture me in this hellhole… Every day… I wanted to die. Sometimes, I just breathed deeply in hopes that I would puncture my lung on one of the jagged rocks… One day… I succeeded, but all that accomplished was me screaming my head off, and bitching about it. I still lived. And the pain still hurts… My sense of pride and arrogance is lost. Every night I cried myself to sleep, only to wake up, crying again because I still lived. I hated my life.

Someone…

Anyone…

Just kill me.

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I woke up… I WOKE up?… I cried….. My eyes felt damp and red from crying so much lately, but I didn't care…. I hated living. If begging got me to die, hell, I'd beg like a bitch. I opened my eyes…. Taking in my surroundings… rock. Rock. Rock. And dark. Dark on top of rock in a fucking hellhole. I truly hated my existence. My existence, was like an suffering very old dog whose selfish owner refused to put it down. I wanted to be put down. My life was shit. I was shit. No, lower then shit. At least people looked out for shit in case they accidently step in it… Me? Ha! No one looked out for me… otherwise I wouldn't be here….. something caught my eye in the complete darkness, something that wasn't there before. Something white and fluttering in the corner of one of the rocks… I nearly screamed. It surprised me. It wasn't normal for me. Seeing something, other then rocks, other then myself…. Scared me…. I was surprised at how really pussy I was. How long was I in here again? The white thing moved…. I twitched. It scared me. It really fucking terrified me. I wasn't used to it. I kept my eyes on it. As my eyes focused on this new strange thing in my space… I realized it was a white butterfly…. Yet it still scared me. I don't even know how it got down here….. I stared at it, following it's movements…. It looked like it was looking for something…. I was scared. I kept my eyes on it. Never leaving it… then….. the butterfly fluttered a little above my head. My eyes widened in shock and fear. I felt so pussy. A little butterfly was scaring me shitless? And yet…. It was….. this wasn't it's place…. I had been alone to long…. Movement freighted me….. It fluttered above my head…. Then it went away…. Then….. I felt lonely all of a sudden…. I was crazy. I didn't even know how to describe my own feelings anymore… I was crazy. The hellhole did that to me. There was no other way to describe it. I then found tears sting my eyes again….. wishing again I was dead….

I truly am…

Fucking insane…

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I woke up. I was blind! I was blind! What? What? Everything was so bright….. this was strange…. It wasn't common place… Common place was me waking up in darkness, crying, begging for me to be killed. My eyes darted around frantically in the blinding white light. I couldn't see anything… Then I heard something… someone… someone speaking… I was too panicked to even hear their words… my eyes kept darting everywhere…. I looked like a timid deer the way I was acting… and then.. that metaphor in my head, made me only grow with fear….. deer…. I don't know why…. But the thought of them terrifies me…. I was shaking… my eyes darting everywhere… whimpering, scared….. I didn't care…. My pride, and arrogance had been abandoned long ago…. I nearly felt like crying again… I was so scared… Then I heard the voice again… in a soothing tone, I was still too upset to hear what they were saying….. then…. I felt a gentle hand go through my tangled hair…. My breathing quickened… I stared straight ahead, but I still couldn't see, all I could see was brightness. I was still blinded. I stared, my eyes wide…. Breathing labored….. terrified.. I was scared. The gentle hand continued to stroke through my hair… I calmed down a little, just enough to make out the words…

"ssssshhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's okay, Hidan…. It's okay… shhhhhh…. You're alright….. your fine….. I'm not going to hurt you…shhhhhh…. Easy…"

My breathing slowed down a little. It was a woman. That would explain the gentle hands…. She had a deep strong gentle voice… if any of that made any sense….. she continued to stroke her fingers though my hair… My eyes continued to remain wide…. I was scared. I was scared…. Her words offered comfort… but…. Very little. I was still terrified….. My eyes slowly began adjusting to the light…. It must of taken me a good full hour. I wasn't used to light… I had nearly become an owl in that hole…. Then…. I saw I was surrounded by trees, and a woman held my head in her hands… I stared at her. She had blue hair, with a white flower tying a hair in her bun, yellow-brown catlike eyes, a piercing stud under her lip. She was wearing a black cloak with red clouds on it. I stared at her…. I trembled.

She seemed to realize my eyes finally adjusted to the light. She smiled slightly.

"Hello, Hidan-san…. Welcome back…"

All I could do was stare.

Her smile then vanished when she saw I didn't respond.

"How you feeling?"

I couldn't answer. I continued to stare. I was still scared.

She stared back. Then she said…

"Of coarse…. Let me patch you up, and then we'll talk."

She set my head down near a tree. Then I gasped and nearly screamed when she turned her arm into paper, and folded them into butterflies. then, she turned her head to me, and assured me that it was okay… I didn't get her exact words…. I was too scared… The way…. Best to describe me now…. Is kinda like a beaten neglected puppy being in the dark for too long…. I knew that…. If I was in the light… this was my form of rescue… but I was still scared… what did she want me for? What did she save me for? What did she want me to do? Why was she being nice to me? These questions pounded in my brain….I then realized she was searching for my body. With her butterflies… they found a part of me, and she started digging at those places… So that's what that butterfly was yesterday… it was searching me out….

She turned back, she found all of my pieces, and smiled, but frowned when she noticed my eyes were red. But she shook her head, and made nothing off it. She set my bodyparts near me… I stared at them, in a little relief… thankfully, my whole torso had been undamaged, except for a gaping hole ripping it open. It must have been hit with a sharp rock. That's why it hurt to breathe…. Then…. She pulled a needle from her cloak. I gasped and my eyes widened fearfully.

"I won't hurt you." She said gently. I stared at her. I was scared. But….. she sounded as if she wouldn't….. Then…. I felt the needle sewing me in and out… she was starting with my neck. It hurt…. But… I didn't make a sound…. I lay. Defeated. I let her work on me.

"I'm not as good with this as Kakuzu was, so you'll have to forgive me." She said indifferently.

I said nothing. I continued to stare upwards as she continued to work on me. I didn't make any noise of pain. No noise. I didn't even say anything or exclaim anything when she began sewing my member back on. Nothing touched me. I felt broken. It took a couple of hours… but I was back together… I tried moving my hand…. But I couldn't… my eyes looked downward… I then saw that my whole body was grey…. Almost corpse like…. No blood in my entire body…. I couldn't even move… She slowly gabbed the back of my head and body…. My eyes widened. She propped me up against the tree, so I could look at her, and she covered me with her cloak. I was a little grateful.

Scared, and broken…..I was… but I was grateful she covered me…. I still felt a little uncomfortable being naked in the presence of a woman…. She stared at me. I didn't look at her. I looked at the ground…. I didn't want to face my savoir.

"So….." she finally said.

"Eleven years."

I blinked. I then looked at her. That long? I was trapped for eleven years? No wonder I had become such a pussy. I had been in the dark and isolated with half a mind for eleven years….. That was enough to break anyone's mind… make anyone insane…..

"It must have been hell in there…." She said gently.

I didn't say anything. It was. It truly was.

She stared at me for about a full minute.

"Well, aren't you going to whine about it?" she asked. "A rude comment perhaps?"

I said nothing. All my pride and arrogance I had….. was gone… I had nothing to bitch about. It did no good.

She stared at me for another full minute.

"Want to talk about it?"

My eyes widened… I stared at her as if she had just asked me to jump off a building… Then… suddenly, unexpectedly, I began to cry… Tears streamed down my face. I could hear her gasp. I didn't care anymore… I didn't fucking care if she saw me cry. Who I was before….. I barely remember him anyway….. my pride is gone….. I'm lower then shit…. What makes a difference if she sees me cry….? Tears streamed down my face… I didn't want to talk….. I didn't want to talk…. Don't make me fucking talk….. don't make me…

I felt her hands around my cold body, she held me in a hug…

I couldn't push her away… My body was still recovering…. There was no blood running through my body and I couldn't even remember how to move my joints anyway…. I was limp in her hands…. I cried even more… I was so weak.. so pussy, there was nothing I could do about it…. Don't make me talk….. please…. Just don't make me talk… I don't want to talk…. I don't want to speak…. Hot tears blinded me…. I cried… I felt her hand stroke though my hair….as she held my limp body…. I accepted the form of human contact…. I needed human contact…. It only took me till now how much I missed people….. interacting with people….. I cried….. I cried more…. I couldn't stop…. I continued to cry…. She continued to stroke her hand through my tangled mass of hair…

"Shhhh… shh….. Hidan….Hidan….Hidan…" she kept saying that over and over with such love and such comfort… It was then I realized Hidan was my name…. she was calling me. Comforting me… She saved me. She came for me when no one else did…. When everyone else in the world had abandoned me. I cried harder. One person. One person out of many came for me, but at least I knew someone cared… I cried and my head slumped onto her bare shoulder…. And I cried into her shoulder. I was saved. She saved me. She saved me. She stroked her hand through my hair comfortingly. I couldn't stop crying.

"Oh Hidan…." She sighed. "What has being in that awful place done to you?"

I sniffed. I closed my eyes, but the tears didn't stop coming… She continued stroking my hair gently. My savoir. I didn't believe in god anymore. God had left me. But…. Could there be such a thing…

As angels?