It had been so subtle. The little hesistance, the small smile on her lips that she hid imidiately after. My hawke eyes see it anyway and it turns my heart to ice. It causes me to falter, to doubt, and that isn't a good thing.

"You don't want me to come with you?" My voice is ice. Leliana smiles, sweeter than any other smile ever directed towards me.

"That's not what I said," she replies and continues cleaning her knife as if she hasn't just jabbed it in my eye.

"What did you say then?"

She sighs.

"It's complicated, Morriga-"

"No. 'Tis quite simple," I interuppt, "you rather go there on your own. Do not worry, bard. I understand completely, 'tis crystal clear."

She looks at me then, and properly looks. Her eyes burning into my soul just as well as Flemeth ever did. I stare back at her, an eyebrow raised. My cold yellow eyes showing no emotion.

"You're an apostate," she says, but she sounds sad rather than annoyed, "I want to take you with me. But my mission is bigger than this, bigger than me, bigger than us…" bigger than you. She didn't say it but oh I heard it. 'Tis the first time she has ever mentioned me being a mage, a witch of the wilds, an apostate. She might as well have slapped me, 'tis never been an issue before.

And still. There it is. So subtle. A fleeting look of guilt in the corner of her eye. 'Tis something else.

"What?" I say, "ashamed of me? Ashamed of your mage lover?" I'm baiting her though, I'm not stupid. I know that me being an apostate could possibly cause us problems in the future. And I have no wish to cause her trouble. But I also need to know what the actual issue is.

"Oh no," she says but I don't believe her, "I could never be ashamed of you. Never think that!"

"Too late." I announce and stand up and leave the small hut where we have been staying for the past months.

The air outside is crips and cool on my skin. Leliana has been badgering me about getting something warmer to wear but so far I am still dressed like I always was. 'Tis what suits me anyway, and what I feel comfortable in. But now I am cold. Luckily I don't get to wait for so long. Soon, two scarred arms find their way around my waist and I can see red hair in the corner of my eye when my bard leanes her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"I know," I say, leaning my cheek against the top of her hair, "'tis that saviour of yours, is it not? Divine… Justice the fortythousandth or whatever her name is."

"Dorothea." One word is her reply. And 'tis so much information in that one word. Longing. Devotion. Admiration. Love. I choke on my own thoughts. My face is burning and by each passing second I become more and more willing to simply leave. Leave her to her precious Dorothea and her unrequited love. Because that is the issue, isn't it? I am second best. Or maybe third best. Or fourth best. How far down am I on Leliana's list? Maker, Andraste, Dorothea. What a wretched, ugly name!

"Morrigan?" Her voice anchors me to the present, "why are your hands on fire?"

I look down and notice the green fire dancing on my fingertips, we're lucky that her clothing hasn't caught fire. I call the flames back into my flesh.

"'Tis of no importance."

She lets go of my waist and grabs my arms, turning me around until I'm facing her. Her eyes are a confused mix of guilt, concern and tenderness and I stare back at her, willing my expression to be hard and unforgiving. I could hate her for doing this to me. I could hate her for making me resort to such weakness… to such jealousy.

"Of course it is important," she says, "tell me what you're feeling."

I scoff at her. Idiot girl.

"Don't do that," Leliana says, "please, tell me. What is wrong? What can I do to fix it?" Guilt is starting to eclipse all other emotions in her eyes, all it does is convince me that she really has done something wrong. And I'm in no mood to forgive.

She searches my face and whatever it is that she finds there, it makes her eyes tear up.

Oh no, don't cry. I know that I am an idiot, incapable of playing nice, please don't cry. It was never my intention to add to your guilt.

"I am so sorry," she says then. She lets go of my arms and goes back in to the house. I hardly wait a moment before I go after her.

"What are you sorry about?" I say. I need to know. I need to hear the reason why I need to be jealous and the reason why she is feeling guilty.

She looks up at me, the flames of our indoor fire are dancing in the mirror of her eyes. They look like they are burning, the flames getting more intense as her eyes fill with more tears. The flames melt away my anger and instead I feel for her. Despite everything I don't want to hurt her, I never wanted that. I quickly sit down next to her and pull her into my arms.

"Don't cry." It feels weird to soothe her tears but also completely right as she snuggles closer into my arms and cries silently. I curse myself. She had shed too many tears in her life, and some of those tears have been over me and for me.

I'm sorry, Leli.

The words come out against my skin, her breath almost cold against my sternum.

"She saved me Morrigan. She saved my body and healed my soul. She would hold me as I cried. And she had such faith. She would pray and shine brighter than the sun. How could I do anything but love her?" I don't know what I am suppose to answer to that. I had known and still hearing it from her lips causes something to shatter inside of me. Because I can compete with a non-existant Maker, I can compete with the stumbling fool of a warden, I can compete with the fucking king of Ferelden. But I cannot compete with the actual hero in Leliana's life. I am not that deluded.

"Is that why you don't want me to come with you?" My voice is low. Dangerous. It would have scared me, but not the captive bird in my arms. A sob escapes me, but when she looks up her eyes are clear. Some of the guilt looks gone.

"No," she says, "it has nothing to do with my former infatuation with Dorothea." Former? "I admit that I sometimes fall into my old ways when I am near her, but I am with you. And only you. And I wouldn't trade that for anything." I don't believe her.

"Please believe me." She takes hold of my hand and presses it against her chest. I feel her heart beating underneath my fingertips, again giving me the impression of a captive bird. "Do you feel this?" She asks. "It beats for you." I don't even know what that means and yet it makes so much sense. Gives me perspective. Makes me think of this situation. Makes me think of everything Leliana has had to give up to be here, maybe not necessarily to be with me, but to be alive. She is just a child who was never allowed to grow up normally. She is more damaged than I am, of this I am sure. And yet here I am, acting like a jealous lover. So much for logical and keeping a clear head. You are loosing it, Morrigan.

"I'm sorry." I roll my eyes at her surprised face, yes, I don't apologize often and no, I'm not planning to do it again soon.

"If you rather go to Val Royeaux without me." I sigh deeply, "then I won't stand in your way."

"I like it when you're in my way," she replies with a teasing smile, "and I didn't say that I rather go to Val Royeaux without you, I said that you might not enjoy my visit since it's mainly going to be boring meetings and of course, the daily service in the Chantry." She winked. "And as much as I enjoy the thought of having you waiting for me, naked in our bed, I don't think that is the sort of week you had imagined." She leans forward and bites my earlobe gently.

"Do you still love her?" I have to know.

"Yes," she says, "I won't lie to you. I will always love her. But I am no longer infatuated by her, and I no longer wish for her and me to… form a stronger bond than we already have." I want to believe her.

"If you want to come with me," she continues, "I will be thrilled."

"I will come with you," I say, enjoying that the decision is in my hand after all, "I'm sure there is something I can try my hand at in Orlais." She smiles.

"Then I am happy," she says, "and I'm going to enjoy your company on the road and afterwards."

We kiss. And I decide that maybe I can stay with her for another couple of months after all.