A/N. I know I'm a bitch for starting a new story while I have to others unfinished, but some very loyal readers took a look and said I should post and I honestly value their opinions. So hope you like it.

Sincerely Kayla

Chapter 1

I wake to the wee hours of the morning in search of my boyfriend, only to find his side of my bed cold. I bolt upright and spot one if his signature notes on my nightstand. I'm ashamed to say I'm not the least bit surprised. I take the note and read it aloud.

Ana

I'm sorry for leaving, but I had a early breakfast meeting I couldn't miss. Please try not to hate me too much. As always I love you more then you could imagine. Can't wait until tonight Happy anniversary.

I stare at the note, feeling as if I've read these words before. With a heavy sigh I unwrap myself from my sheets and head into the shower. As the warm water washes over me, it rinses away the night before. Leaving me with nothing but the memories of the intimacy my boyfriend and I shared. In the beginning it was almost frightening to feel the way I felt for him, my body called for him as his did for me and no matter how hard we fought our feelings it was pointless in the end. I wish I could say everything is perfect, but it's not. After a year of being with him, I honestly don't know where our relationship is headed. I finish my shower, not wanting to dwell on the always present feeling of dread I have thinking of Christians and I future together, or lack there of.

As I dress I can't help but come to the realization that Christian has brought me everything I have on. From my diamond earrings to my heels, it's all from Christian. He insists on buying me these things I couldn't care less about. The one gift I've cherished above all the others is my charm bracelet. Not only is it the first gift he ever gave me, but each charm represents a special moment for us. Whenever I feel uncertain about my relationship with Christian and wanted to call it quits, this charm bracelet and a good night of crying has got me through it. Looking at the time I realize I should be halfway to work by now. I grab my car keys and head out the door.

I'm glad I don't live too far from SIP or I would definitely be late. As I walk through the lobby, Claire is by my side within seconds.

"Ana, I've been calling you all night." I vaguely remember hearing my phone ringing, but that was around the time Christian had me on the brink of my third orgasm.

"Really?" I continue to walk and Claire follows.

"Yes really. I've found the perfect guy for you."

Not this again. Everyone I know feels the need to try and set me up. "Thank you Claire, but no thank you."

"Come on Ana, you have to date someone eventually." If she only knew.

"Claire I really need to get to work." Taking my hint she turns on her heels and leaves.

I start working and read manuscript after manuscript, drowning myself in the written word. If I had to read a manuscript about my life, I can't say I would want to read it at all. I wouldn't find it romantic, I would find it sad and truly embarrassing. I'm broken from my pity party by the ping of my email. Luckily for me It's just Kate asking if I wanted to grab dinner tonight. If I didn't have plans with Christian, I would jump at the chance to have Kate all to myself for a couple of hours. Between being a wife and a journalist, Kate doesn't have time to just hang out and I completely understand. I type her a quick reply telling her maybe we can reschedule. She doesn't reply back and I know she's probably hurt. I tried to distance myself from Kate just in case the Greys ever found out about Christian and I. If Kate ever knew the truth, I don't doubt that she will most likely be ashamed. Hell, I'm ashamed of my situation with Christian. So much so that I refuse to acknowledge that I've ever met him to any of my colleagues. I know what you're thinking; if you feel this way, why are you with him? I've asked myself the same question over the past year with Christian. So tonight will be our last night together. I can't go another day being his dirty little secret, I think a year is long enough.

I know I'm far from being prepared to leave Christian, but it has to be done. I could go on about how much I love him or how much he loves me, but it won't matter. The reality of the situation is I'm young and fell for a married man. So much so that I gave him my virginity, purely on the grounds that I felt a overwhelming spark between us that pulled me to him. Now I yearn for something I could never have because he belongs to someone else. Of course Christian doesn't see it that way. He claims he isn't happy in his marriage and hasn't been for some time. He says things like we're soul mates and I'll never know how much I mean to him, and yet he still goes home to his wife. My phone rings and I quickly wipe away a lone tear before I answer.

"Anastasia Steele."

"Hello gorgeous." His voice alone sends my hormones into a frenzy.

"Hi." My depression has found its way into my voice and I know he hears it.

"Ana, are you ok?" Shit. Curse him for knowing me so well.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I don't sound at all convincing.

"I can tell you're upset."

"Christian, can we please talk about this later."

He's silent for a moment and I can tell he's nervous as to what I could possibly want to talk about. "Ok. I just wanted to let you know you have a few surprises waiting for you once you leave work."

I smile despite my mood. "Of course I do." A giggle erupts out of me. Christian is the king of surprises.

"I guess I'll see you later."

"Okay." We both stay on the line.

"I love you Anastasia, you do know that don't you?" It's so heartfelt, it's almost as if he knows the end is near.

"I love you to Christian." We end our call and I feel the pressing need to cry. I don't doubt for a second that he loves me, I just refuse to spend the rest of my life in love with a man that's committed to someone else. He always jokes that maybe if we would have met a year earlier, he would be married to me. Well we didn't met a year earlier, so dwelling on the could of, would of, should of is a waste of time.

Around five I head to my car, mentally preparing myself for a night of heartbreak. The closer I get I notice something in my back seat. I roll my eyes knowing full and well Christian has everything to do with this. As I drive home I wonder what extravagant gift Christian has bought me. Telling Christian not to buy me expensive things is pointless. Sometimes I think he feels guilty so he tries to make me happy with some piece of jewelry or clothing. What he doesn't seem to understand is that none of it matters to me, All I want is him. It sounds so simple yet so far fetched.

I park in front of my building, gather my gift boxes and head to my apartment. As I climb the stairs, I realize these boxes aren't at all heavy so that probably means it's something simple, well at least simple for Christian. As I open the door to my home the smell of flowers invade my senses. Spread all around my living room are vases upon vases of flowers. The colors range from pink roses to yellow tulips. It's so beautiful, the biggest smile spreads across my face. I take the card that's attached to one of the vases.

Dear Ana

Wasn't sure which one you would have liked best. So I got all of them. See you tonight. As always I love you more then you could imagine.

C

I have a inner battle with myself. A part of me wants to keep my relationship with Christian going. The other part of me knows that I should have never started anything with Christian to begin with. Overwhelmed by my emotions, I sit in my sea of flowers and open the boxes that were in my car. In the bigger box I find a navy blue sleeveless Tom Ford dress with a plunging neckline. In the next box is a pair of navy blue Christian Louboutins. I take time to admire both the dress and the shoes before I send Christian a text.

*I love my gifts.*

A

His response is almost immediately.

*Glad you like them. The best is yet to come. Pick you up at 6:30.*

I look at my watch and it's already 5:30. I run to the shower, stripping my clothes as I go. After a quick wash, I'm dressed and applying my makeup. I only apply the usual mascara, eyeliner and lipstick. But with every move I make, I can't help but think this is the last time I'll ever do this for a date with Christian. This dress and shoes are the last gift he'll ever give me and no matter how many times I tell myself it's for the best, it still hurts.

It only took a year for me to become so attached to Christian and I fear it will take far longer for me to get over him. He won't have a problem dealing with my absence in his. After all, he does have a wife. I've met his wife twice; first at Kate's engagement party and then again at the wedding. Both times were before Christian and I were involved, I don't think I could look her in the eye now. She seemed nice and deeply in love, that alone is why I refused to acknowledge what I felt around Christian. But that one night in Portland changed everything.

I was there for Jose art show and Christian was there on business. I was staying at the Heathman hotel as was he, when he seen me sitting alone at the bar. Seeing how his brother had just married my best friend, I thought it would be nice to be friendly. A drink turned into five and before I knew it we were both mauling at each others clothes. Ultimately we stopped before anything happened. After that, I stayed far away from anything that had to do with Christian Grey. That didn't stop him from calling and emailing, and after three months of trying to deny my feelings, I gave in. Please refrain from calling me a whore or saying that I'm easy, I do that enough already. I never proclaimed to be a saint, I'll be the first to admit everything I've done in the last year is wrong. But I don't know if I would change it if I could. I love Christian, so as bad as the situation is I won't say I regret it.

I take a look at my watch and see that it's almost seven. I have a small panic attack, simply because Christian is never late. As if on que my phone rings. I answer expecting to hear Christian tell me he's out front.

"Hello."

"Anastasia, I'm so sorry. I can't make it tonight. My brother wants to talk to me, he says it's important."

A small wave of anger courses through me."It's fine, I'll talk to you tomorrow"

"I'll stop by your place tonight."

"No. I'm not feeling well, so I think I'll just go to bed early." Well it's not entirely a lie. I do feel sick because I know things like this will always happen, and I'll always end up alone. I guess that what comes with being a mistress.

"Ok. I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Ok."

"I love you Ana."

Oh no. I feel the tears filling up my eyes and I will them not to fall."Christian, I have to go." I end the call before he has a chance to say anything.

So here I sit; fully dressed with no where to go. I want to cry, I just feel like I don't have the right to. I'm not his first priority, his family is. So whenever he has to choose, he'll always choose them. I head to my room and begin to undress. As I'm taking of my jewelry, my charm bracelet catches my attention. The little charms are bitter sweet. They have significant meaning to me but whenever someone ask about them, I have to lie. I remember when Ray asked me why I always wore it, I panicked and told him I bought it off line and the charms were already on it. He didn't seem like he believed me, but he could sense I didn't want to talk about it. I take the bracelet off and place it on my dresser before I climb in bed. I just lay there, wondering how I got to this place in my life. I'm closed off and secretive, but I'm only that way because of my relationship. My friends stop wanting to be around me a long time ago and I don't blame them. I went from going out with them every weekend to them not being able to find me on the weekends. Speaking of friends, I could have been with Kate tonight. I text her in hopes that she's still free.

*Was wondering if you wanted to grab a late dinner?*

A

*Of course. Meet me at the mile high club.*

K

I'm no longer sad about not seeing Christian, but excited to see Kate. I'm embarrassed to say I don't remember the last time Kate and I were together. She wanted to do some type of spa day last month, but Christian had a business trip in Taiwan and naturally I went with him for the chance to be out and about without the fear of his wife seeing us. See, everything in my life always comes back to Christian. I push all thoughts of him in the back of my mind for the night. I change into a cream pencil skirt, white top and black heels. I grab my keys and head out.

I've been to the mile high club plenty of times over the last year, yet I've never actually seen it occupied by other people besides Christian and I. Whenever we came, he made sure it was completely vacant. As you can probably suspect, he didn't want anyone to find out what he was up to.

I exit the elevator and make my way to the hostess.

"Excuse me. I'm having dinner with a Katherine Grey."

"Right this way." I follow her through the restaurant, admiring the view as I always do. She leads me to a table full of people, and almost as if I've been punched, realization dawns on me.

"Ana!" Kate jumps up and engulfs me in a hug. It takes a second to hug her back due to my shock."I thought you weren't going to come."

"I thought it was just going to be the two of us." I say looking at the table.

"Well Elliot and I had some big news and we wanted to share it with everyone." She leads me to the table and I follow timidly. The first one to greet me of course is Ethan.

"Ana Montana! It's been a while." I laugh at the old nickname as he hugs me.

"Hi Ethan."

"Have you met my girlfriend, Mia?"

Sitting next to Ethan is a the always happy, always stylish, Mia Grey. I've only met her a handful of times, but she was always pleasant.

"Yes. Nice to see you again." I extend my hand and she shakes it.

Before I can fully let go of Mia hand, Elliot has me trapped in a bear hug.

"Ana, I'm so glad you're here. My wife has been taking your absence personally." I feel guilty immediately.

"I'm sorry. I've just been busy, I swear." I look over his shoulder in Kate's direction with pleading eyes.

"All that matters is that you're here now." Elliot assures me. Turning back to the table he introduces the last two people seated. "Ana, I'll like you to meet my brother Christian and his wife Leila."

I'm sure I blush. Christian is looking at me as if he's trying to say sorry with his eyes and Leila has a broad smile on her face. I extend my hand both to Leila then to Christian, before I take my seat next to Kate. I look around the table and notice I'm the only one with out a significant other. I want to finish this dinner as quickly as possible without being singled out. But for some strange reason everyone wants to know what I've been up to, since they haven't seen me in a while.

I tell them of my promotion at SIP, I leave out the part about the previous editor being fired for sexual assault. Kate asked about my apartment and I tell her I'm doing ok living alone. She was so paranoid when I first moved out, as if I might get murdered. All in all the conversation flows freely and naturally. Christian and Elliott bicker at one another making everyone laugh. Mia entertains us with tales of Paris and life with Ethan, and every once in a while I indulge in a laugh myself. If it wasn't for Christian burning a hole in the side of my head, I would be having a good time. As the dinner comes to a end, I remember Kate and Elliot had something to share with us.

"So Kate, are you ever going to tell us why we're here."

She takes Elliott's hand and beams a full blown megawatt smile. "As you all know, Elliot and I love you all. So we gathered you here to tell you...we're pregnant."

Everyone gasp then cheers for the happy couple. I'm so happy for Kate, her life is perfect and I wouldn't have it any other way. I lean over and give her a hug.

"I can't believe you're going to be a mom." We both laugh.

"I know. If you would have told me two years ago I would be married and pregnant, I would have thought you were high." We share in a laugh again. "Ana, I know you're crazy busy and this probably isn't something you have time for, but I wanted to know if you would be my childs godmother?"

I can't believe Kate has to ask me this." Of course I will. You are my sister and I love you, and I'll love that baby even more."

Kate has tears silently slipping down her face as do I . We hug again, this time neither one of us lets go. It's almost like we're trying to reconnect, trying to find our way back to before I was so wrapped up in Christian. When we finally let each other go, Kate turns to Elliot and he passes her a napkin to dry her eyes. I look around the table for a napkin that isn't being used and can't find one. Christian extends his hand passing me one of his handkerchief. I whisper a small thank you and wipe my eyes.

Once we're done blubbering, everyone says their congratulations.

"So Ana, are you seeing anyone?" I turn around and steer at Ethan like a deer in head lights.

"No. I'm still single." I try to keep my voice even. I steal a glance at Christian and his face is covered in shame and sorrow.

"Why? I mean you're very pretty, I don't see how you're single." Mia chimes in.

"Well, I just haven't found the right one." I feel more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

"Maybe you should come out with me, I'm sure I can find you someone."

"Mia, I'm sure she won't be interested in the uptight ,snobs you have in mind." Christian voices his opinion, trying and succeeding at hiding his rising anger.

"Why don't we just see about that, what do you say Ana?" Mia voice is playful, little does she know she's poking a bull

"We'll see."

The table falls back into easy conversation when everyone starts to talk about the future. You know like marriage, kids, careers and I just listen not wanting to be the center of attention again. But I'm all ears when Ethan ask Christian what he wants in his future. He takes a while as if he's thinking about it.

"I don't want much. I just want to be happy." He looks directly at me and I down the remainder of my drink. Leila intertwine her fingers with his and steers at him lovingly.

"Well, I see a family in my future. A little boy with copper hair, who looks exactly like his father. Christian and I have been trying for some time, but sadly I'm still not close to becoming a mother"

My world stops. They've been trying? THEY'VE BEEN TRYING? How could he? He told me he hasn't been with her since we've been together. And not only are they having sex, but they're trying to have a baby? I feel nauseous, I swear I'm going to throw up.

"Ana, are you ok?" Kate turns to me with concern etched on her face.

"Yeah, I just had too much to drink. Kate I think I'm going to head home." I stand too fast and stumble. As if he wants to help me in some kind of way, Christian catches me. I pull myself from his embrace, not wanting to feel his hands on me.

"Thank you Mr. Grey." I turn on my heels and leave with promises of getting together with Kate and Mia soon.

Back at my apartment, I lay in my bed feeling like a complete idiot. I turned my life upside down for what? He never loved me, he never cared. I was just something for him to play with whenever his wife was busy. What did I expect? He'll just leave his wife for me? I'm nothing special, just a young, naive girl who fell for the words of a man who has a life with someone else. She can give him children and a family and I can not. Imagine the headlines if I did.

BILLIONAIRE CEO MISTRESS GIVES BIRTH TO BASTARD LOVE CHILD.

Before I can stop myself I'm crying uncontrollably into my pillow. I hear a faint knock on my door, but make no move to answer it. If he thinks I want him anywhere near me, he is highly mistaken. After a couple of minutes the knocking stops, but my phone starts to ring. I send his call straight to voicemail and pray he gets that I don't want to talk to him. I allow my tears to fall one last time and vow never to cry over him again. I can't mourn the loss of something that never belonged to me. As my tears pour down my face, I try to rid myself of every memory I have of Christian. I want to forget I've ever met him, then maybe I might have a chance of my life going back to normal.

"Ana." I turn over to find Christian standing in the door way of my bedroom.

"Why are you here?" I ask him as I wipe my tears away.

"I wanted to make sure you were ok."

How can he possibly think I'm ok."Christian, I am anything but ok. Not only am I having sex with a married man, but I had to hear his wife talk about the two of them trying to have a baby for god sake. And now you're here, acting like the perfect boyfriend when you're anything but. So no, I am not ok."

He looks as if I've grown another head."Ana, I don't know why Leila said that. We haven't been intimate in a long time."

"So I'm suppose to believe you?" My voice raises higher and higher.

"Yes. I love you , how could you a think I would lie to you." He reaches out for me and I immediately back away.

"Christian, I can't do this anymore. I'm starting to hate myself more and more everyday. I can't be your secret."

He looks like I've just slapped him." Please don't do this. I know our relationship isn't ideal, but we love each other."

"That isn't enough anymore." Understanding exactly what is happening, my heart starts to ache as if it's truly breaking.

"Please Ana, lets just talk about this." He's planted in front of me with two long strides.

"There's nothing to talk about. I could never introduce you to my father or bring you around for holidays. We could never get married and grow old together, those are the things I want, that you could never give to me."

The tears I've been keeping at bay has filled my eyes. Double crap!

"I could, it'll just take some time. But we have to stay together." He leans in to kiss me and for the first time ever, I turn away. "Ana, please."

"Christian, It's time for you to go." He just stands there, making no attempt of leaving. "Please." It's barely a whisper, but it's all I can bring myself to say. He takes a step back and before me stands a man deeply hurt. We don't speak, we just sit in our final moments together trying to wrap our minds around the fact this is the end.

"Before I go, this is for you." He places a small blue box in the palm of my hand.

"Thank you." I know this is probably another charm, but unlike the others it'll remind me of the night I lost my first love.

He starts to walk away and apart of me dies with every step he takes. Once he reaches the door he turns around and that's when I see his pain. It's hidden well under his strong demeanor.

"Well Anastasia, I can't say I didn't know this was going to happen, I just wanted to believe it could last a little while longer. I know it might not seem like it but I love you. With everything I am, I love you and I know we'll be together again."

I watch as he walks away before I succumb to the overwhelming pain of my heartbreak.