Day One

Hotch sat at his desk, massaging his temples. He'd lost everything; all he had left was his job. He'd lost his confidence. Foyet took that when when he violated Hotch with a knife. Nine times. Lying on the floor, helpless, wishing for death almost. But Foyet had plans for him. Dumping him in the hospital for everyone to see him weak, vulnerable. Turned him into a hypervigilant, paranoid textbook case of PTSD.

He'd lost Haley-three times. Deep down, he knew that if he went to Milwaukee it would be the last nail in the coffin. Although he was devastated when he got back and Haley wasn't there, he wasn't surprised. He'd lost her again to WITSEC. All because he was too weak to fight off Foyet. Finally, he'd lost her forever.

He'd lost Jack. Sure, when he and and Haley split up he still saw Jack. Not as often as he wanted but the job. He couldn't help it. Well he could, but he didn't want to. Again to WITSEC. Luckily Foyet wasn't able to get to Jack. He'd seen to that. And he couldn't deny the rush of satisfaction that he'd obtained from beating the life out of Foyet.

He'd lost Spencer. Now that one was totally his fault. Although Haley, Jack, and Foyet wasn't technically his fault, his logical mind told him this, even if his emotional one didn't; Spencer, that was all on him.

He and Spencer started seeing each other about a year after his divorce. At first, everything was good. He didn't have to pretend for Spencer. He didn't have to wear two hats. He could just be. Spencer tolerated his moods, and his control and trust issues. If Hotch was being an asshole, which happened frequently, Spencer would wait until he had calmed down and tell him. Spencer held him at night during the nightmares, and assured him that they would catch Foyet after the stabbing. Spencer was shot the same day by the way, in the kneecap. Hotch had never even acknowledged it except to ream him out in front of the team for lying about his clearance. That had started a major argument when they got home. After all, hadn't he done the same thing after the New York bombing?

Spencer had absorbed all the barbs and abuse after Foyet; never berating or arguing back. Just offering silent support. Spencer had held him the night Haley died while he cried until he threw up, then cried some more.

After Hotch returned to work, he was a new man, determined to sever all ties to Foyet and his past as much as possible. That included Spencer. Spencer had seen him weak, at his worst. He was better now, he didn't need Spencer anymore, right?

Spencer hadn't taken it well. He begged, cried, and pleaded. Hotch was immovable. He'd never seen Spencer look so defeated, not even when he had been tortured by Hankel for two days. There was a slight feeling of dread, but he quickly pushed it away. Spencer would get over it.

That was three days ago. Spencer hadn't been seen since. Hotch figured that he was feeling sorry for himself over the breakup. Fine, he'd give him a few days to get over it. It hurt Hotch too but it was for the best. But now they had a case and he needed Spencer here at work. Time to crash the pity party. He'd sent Morgan to his place to collect him.

His office door flew open so hard that it bounced off the wall. Morgan entered, his expression murderous.

"Morgan, were you able to locate Reid?"

"Oh, I found him alright."

"Good, is he here? Wheels up in-"

Derek was on him faster than he could blink. His fist slammed into Hotch's nose. Hotch fell backwards, taking files on the desk with him.

"I told you if you fucked with his feelings I would kick your ass right? Did you think I was screwing around, you son of a bitch? I'm gonna beat your ass!"

Hotch was pretty good in a fight, hell, Foyet was a testament to that. But Morgan was stronger, younger and much faster. As Derek's fists slammed into his face again and again, he could barely defend himself. He felt himself losing consciousness….

"Derek! Derek! What are you doing?" Prentiss screamed.

Thundering of feet; five agents, maybe six; pulling Derek off him and dragging him from the room. Blurred images of Prentiss and JJ shouting at him.

He came to on the couch with Prentiss, JJ and Rossi hovering over him.

"What...what…" he tried to sit up. His head swirled, and he fell back.

"Hotch, don't try to sit up. Lie down," Prentiss soothed.

"Dave what...what happened? Why did Derek attack me? Where is he?"

"He's been suspended by Strauss for attacking you. Aaron, what do you remember about it?" Rossi asked.

"I remember asking him about Spencer and he just attacked me. Why did he do that?"

Prentiss, JJ and Rossi exchanged looks.

"What the hell is going on?" Hotch demanded.

"Um Hotch," Prentiss started. "You know how you told him to find Reid right?"

"Yes, I told him to go to Reid's apartment. Did he find him?"

"He found him, but he wasn't at home." Rossi answered.

"What? Where was he?"

"At a hotel in DC."

Hotch's stomach nose dived. "What was he doing there?"

"Hotch, I'm afraid I have bad news. When Morgan found Spencer, he was unconscious. He had a relapse, a bad one. He's in the hospital now."

"What!" Hotch practically screamed, trying to get off the couch.

"Aaron, lie down!" Rossi ordered.

"No! I have to get to Reid! I have to-" He tried to stand but his legs gave out and he fell back against the couch.

"Aaron, you're in no fit shape to go anywhere. You need to rest."

"I can't rest! Spencer needs me-" Hotch didn't miss the flash of anger in JJ's eyes and across Emily's face.

"Would you let me talk to Aaron alone please?" Rossi asked Prentiss and JJ.

"No! We're not going anywhere! What you say to him you say to us! We have a right to know!" Pretiss snapped.

"Ok, fine. Aaron, I'm going to ask you some questions and I'm not trying to pry. But did something happen between you and Spencer?"

Aaron glared at Dave. "That's none of your-"

"Aaron, not now! This isn't about your pride! Now answer the question."

Aaron bit his lip. "I ended it a few days ago."

"I see. And how did he take it?"

"Not...not well at all."

"When is the last time you talked to him?"

"Not since that night."

"Hotch!" Prentiss yelled. "That was three days ago! Three fucking days! It never occurred to you to go check on him?"

"I was giving him space," Aaron defended himself.

"Space? Is that what you call it?" JJ spat. "I knew I should have listened to Morgan. Spencer was nothing but a plaything to you! When you got tired of him you just threw him away!"

"Alright enough!" Rossi intervened. "JJ, Emily, please wait outside."

"This is your fault!" JJ snapped before leaving and slamming his door, causing him to wince.

Aaron was hyperventilating. "Dave...I did this...this is my fault…I...I…"

"Aaron," Rossi said calmly. "This is not about you, this is about Spencer. I understand the reasons why you broke up with him but-"

"What do you mean?" Aaron demanded.

"Aaron, I know you blame yourself for Haley but-"

"This is not about Haley!"

"Aaron, this is about Haley and you know it. You blame yourself for what happened, and probably always will. Deep down you know it's not your fault but its easier for you to take the blame. You internalize everything and when it comes out, you have no control to stop it. It came out, and Spencer took the brunt of it."

Aaron looked down, his eyes stinging. "He refused to abandon you, refused to give up. Even though you did everything in your power to push him away. You had lost all confidence in yourself and your ability to protect, which is why you broke up with him. He was already on edge, and this pushed him over."

"So this is my fault," Aaron said, silent tears streaming down his face.

"I didn't say that Aaron."

"But it is, isn't it?" Aaron demanded. "Just say it Dave! This happened because of me!"

"Aaron, from what I understand about addiction and Spencer, there is no 'fault'; only triggers. Yes, your breakup may have been the trigger. That's all I can say."

"They all hate me...Morgan, JJ, Prentiss...they all…"

"They're upset, Aaron. Understandably so. They see Spencer as a younger brother and you hurt him. And you've got bigger problems. While Strauss was suspending Derek he confessed the whole thing to her. Your relationship with Spencer, everything. Be prepared, Aaron. She's coming for you, and this time, it may stick.

Aaron couldn't be concerned about that now. The only thing he could be concerned about was Spencer.

"Dave," he said desperately. "I need to see him."

"Tell you what. You stay at my house tonight and we'll go first thing tomorrow. Face it Aaron, you're in no condition to drive. You can barely walk."

"Dave, how many people saw what happened between Derek and me?"

"Aaron I have to be honest. Just about everyone in the bullpen. It took five agents to pull him off of you and he was screaming about what you did the entire time."

Aaron squeezed his eyes shut. The very thing he'd been trying to avoid, weakness and humiliation had been exposed for everyone to see. He could never show his face here again.