I wrote this literally years ago, but never actually got around to posting it. I remembered this oneshot earlier, during an Armistice day related assembly, and decided that the Centenary of the First World War felt like the right time.

This is my tribute to the memory of wars past and present, and the hope that one day, there will no longer be a need for conflict and people will finally stop fighting people. It's an unlikely dream, and one that will only be realised if everybody in the world believes it's possible.

But enough of that, and on with the story. This is a mostly-canon oneshot set between Dimitri's death and Rose's birthday. The song lyrics are from Carrie Underwood's Just a Dream.

I lay curled up on my bed, awake although the sun wasn't even down. The rest of campus wouldn't stir for another hour yet, but I was wide awake, however much I wished I wasn't.
I'd finally cried myself to sleep around 3am, and after two hours of fitful sleep, I'd woken up with tears running down my cheeks, spilling over my nose to come to rest upon my pillow.

I checked the clock beside my bed, and found the reason for waking up. It was 5 O'clock- the time I woke up to get ready for training. Training that I would have had today, if I'd still had a mentor.

That thought was another stab to my already lacerated heart, and I hugged my knees as another round of sobs racked my body.

Three days he had been gone; undoubtedly the worst days of my life. There was nothing I wouldn't give to go back and change those final few moments in the cave.

I lay there for another hour, playing back every memory I had of him and caressing each one with my mind until there was a tentative knock at the door.

"Come in," I croaked, not bothering to raise my head to see who it was. I could tell it was Lissa through the bond.

"Rose," she sighed, and sat down beside me. She knew that I'd had feelings for Dimitri, but she hadn't asked me about it. I could tell she wanted to know more, that she felt betrayed that I hadn't told her, but this was Lissa. She always felt compassion for everyone, and knew that I didn't want to talk.

Instead, she pulled me into her arms, and I sobbed against her chest whilst she stroked my hair. It was a small comfort- it wasn't him. It would never be him again.

"Rose, the memorial is in an hour. We need to get ready."
Another stab to the chest. She didn't say anything else- she didn't need to. A memorial, for someone who wasn't even really gone.
I sat up slowly and went to shower, my tears lost in the torrent of water surrounding me.

When I came out of the bathroom, Lissa had left to get ready herself. I'd had a message through the bond, telling me that we'd meet outside the church. She wanted to give me some time on my own. It was relatively warm out, and I went to my wardrobe to find something appropriate to wear.

As I skimmed through hangers holding dark clothes-I had a lot- one item of clothing stood out.
It was a white sundress, and it caused a memory to resurface.

I stood next to Dimitri on a training exercise. All the Guardians and Novices were wearing proper Guardian attire, and everyone the room was a sea of black trousers and jackets, white shirts just barely breaking up the colour.

I turned to Dimitri. "Why do Guardian clothes have to be so boring? I mean, there's so much death and darkness in our jobs already, we don't have to dress like undertakers."

He rolled his eyes. "What, you'd prefer to go around in bright red or neon yellow? We're supposed to be inconspicuous, not wear T-shirts saying 'bite me'."

"If I didn't know you better, I'd think you just made a joke there, Comrade," I laughed. "But at least red would be practical- it wouldn't show the blood."

"Well, you could suggest it to the Guardian council. But I'm pretty sure they wouldn't see your logic."

I tutted. "Nah, I think it's just that they're too cheap. These uniforms are all-purpose. Wear them to a Royal banquet, in a fight, at the office. You can even wear them to a funeral."

The corner of Dimitri's mouth twitched up in a smile. "You might be onto something there. The Guardians are practical like that. Not everyone has the time to go shopping or spend so long choosing an outfit as you."

"Well then, I'll use that to my advantage. When I'm not required to be in uniform, I'll wear the brightest things I can just to rebel." I looked back out into the sea of black. "I'll even wear white to funerals, however disrespectful it might seem. They need a bit of colour in their life... or death."

Dimitri looked down at me, and I was surprised to see the affection showing openly on his face. "They wouldn't see it as disrespect. You're supposed to shine, not hide in mourning. You weren't made to fit in with the crowd. Maybe I'll wear white, too."

My heart swelled with affection for him. "Other people might not see it that way."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter about them. You'll always have me."

The memory faded, and I was left in my cold room, clutching a white dress, the ghost of a smile on my face. That too faded as the familiar ache returned.
"No, I won't," I whispered to the man that had broken his promise. "But you'll always have me."

I put the dress on, along with a cardigan Lissa had lent me. The white dress worked; I was celebrating Dimitri's life and not mourning his death- because he wasn't dead.
I dried my hair, not bothering with any makeup, since I would just cry it off. But then I saw the tube of lip gloss Dimitri had given me. My hand twitched at my side, and it took a moment before my muscles complied with my command and picked up the tube. I put some without the aid of the mirror on my dressing table. I'd turned it to face the wall, not wanting to see myself.

I turned to the door, but as I lifted my hand to turn the handle, something pulled me back. I couldn't do this. There was no way I could do this alone. Knowing Lissa was already on her way to the church, I tried to be quick.
Falling to my knees beside my bed, I reached underneath and pulled out a shoebox. Taking off the lid, I checked the contents, before placing it carefully in my bag. This time, I made it out the door, and made my way to the chapel.

It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night

I walked quickly, not taking in the sites around me. The buildings, once so familiar and oddly comforting, held nothing but sorrow and painful reminders now. They had seen death, helped shroud evil behind each wall to catch the living unaware; this place was no longer a safe haven. It was a battlefield, a slaughterhouse, and a mortuary.

Not even the moon dared to show itself tonight, a cloak of darkness blanketing the school. Shadows had no place here; evil did not need to lurk around the corners. It was in plain sight.

She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue.

I played with the Nazar around my neck, a habit I had picked recently picked up and fell upon when stressed or nervous.
My bag was heavy because of my last-minute addition, but it was a comforting weight. It proved that Dimitri had existed at all, because this all seemed so surreal.

As the chapel loomed in front of me, I felt my heartbeat quicken, and fresh tears prick my eyes. I spotted Lissa standing just inside the building, the light from many candles turning her and Christian to little more than ethereal silhouettes in the night air.

And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down
Trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn't believe it

There was a Moroi teacher standing just inside the door, holding a bunch of white flowers, with more on the table behind her. She had just given Lissa a white lily, and Christian white poppy. With a sympathetic smile, she reached behind to the table, and passed me a single white rose. I nodded, not trusting my voice.

Thankful that I had left my hair down, I ran my fingers hastily through the front, pulling it so that it covered my eyes, and the tears falling from them.
Lissa took my arm as I reached her, and even Christian came to stand on the other side of me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

As we walked through the inner door of the church, I heard music playing, and saw the sheer volume of people. I swear, every single surviving member of the school was here, plus the family members of the deceased.

She heard the trumpets from the military band

But the worst of the image in front of me was right up the front, next to the altar.

The families of the victims would be burying the bodies where they wanted tomorrow, but today the coffins were on show, covered in dark red silk, with a photo of the victim on the top.

The thing that cut the deepest was that on the end of the row of coffins stood 3 tables that carried no coffin, just a photo.
One was of a Guardian that had been brought in as extra help in the cave raid.
One was of Molly, the Moroi my age who had been drained and taken.
One was of Dimitri.

And the flowers fell out of her hands

I dropped the rose, and stopped walking. My hand flew to my mouth, and I froze up completely, much like when I had seen Mason's ghost.
Lissa hadn't noticed I'd stopped, so kept walking until my arm pulled her to a halt.
She turned back to look at me, eyes and bond displaying compassion and concern, then followed my gaze to where I was staring, transfixed, unable to look away.

Close to tears herself, she bent and picked up the flower I had dropped. My hand fell slowly, and Lissa caught it, placing the rose in it.

A thorn dug into my hand, drawing blood.

It also drew me back to reality, and I allowed myself to be pulled down onto the nearest pew, right on the back row. The row Dimitri always sat at.

It seemed like just yesterday he'd been here, looking more angelic than the colourful saints emblazoned upon the windows. He'd looked so vulnerable then, but I'd still believed him to be invincible. He'd held me tight as I admitted to my fears, and kept the darkness at bay. I wished he were here to comfort me now. I wondered if I'd ever feel that safe again.

Once Father Andrew began the service, my gaze never wandered from the picture of Dimitri. There was no coffin. No body to bury.

Of course there was no body- because he wasn't even dead. Not really. But it would have been better if he was. Now, I had a promise to keep.

Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe

As Father Andrew talked about the great sacrifices made by all those who lost their lives fighting, I found myself asking questions I'd never get an answer to.
I didn't care if Dimitri was a hero, I didn't care how many lives he'd saved. The one I cared about most had been lost.

The pain was unrelenting, the tears were streaming down my face as I stared at the photo on the table. It was taking all I had to cry quietly, and hold in the racking sobs that I knew would be back later.

It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background

How could this be real?
When Dimitri had hit the ground, the world had stopped, then became slow-motion as my mother forced me to run.

Now, it was like I was trapped, frozen, but at the same time, the world was speeding past me, blurring at the edges.

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me

I was the only one that knew, for certain, the truth about what had happened to Dimitri. When the Father read out his name on the list of the dead, he was being optimistic.

I almost laughed. You know your life is screwed up when the man you love being dead is the best option.
This had to be some terrible nightmare.

This is just a dream

So why can't I wake up?

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray

Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt

Who knew where Dimitri's soul was now? Was he in the land of the dead, like he would if he had been killed properly? Heaven, maybe? Was he trapped inside the body of a monster, trying to get free? Or was he somewhere in between, his soul now that of a monster itself, knowing no right or wrong?

I wasn't sure which of the last two was worse.

Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard

As we sung hymn after hymn, my voice did not sound like my own, ragged and strained. How could there physically be any more tears left to cry inside me?

People began standing up, taking their flowers to the front. They each laid one on top of a coffin, or empty table. Dimitri had several flowers under his picture already, but not as many as the others. It struck me than that his family probably didn't even know yet. He loved them so much, and I bet nobody had decided to call them. It was just so unfair. All of this was. These people hadn't deserved to die.

I felt a dull flash of anger as Jesse and Ralf stood up and walked to the front. For once, they actually looked serious. Maybe because they knew that if it hadn't been for them, this wouldn't have happened.

They left the flowers on Molly's table, turning straight around. I hated them even more. It was their fault that every single one of those people was dead, and they went for the girl closest to their age. I knew for a fact that Molly couldn't stand either of them, all they did was hit on her and try to get in her pants.

But it didn't really matter anymore. These people were dead, and nothing would bring them back. Dimitri would have told me not to bestow hatred upon the living, as it reflected badly upon our own souls, tainting our own goodness.

Jesse and Ralph hadn't done this with malicious intent. They were just fools; blissfully ignorant fools.

It was the Strigoi that were to blame here.

After what seemed like an eternity, the row in front of us got up to go to the front. As I looked at the growing pile of flowers for Dimitri, I looked down at mine. It seemed so impersonal, so insignificant to just be lost among the others.

Lissa saw me looking, and it was as if she could read my mind. She reached out, and gently touched the centre of the rose.

A deep crimson colour spread from where her finger touched the petals, and I felt the rush of Spirit magic. She turned to me, and I heard her voice through the bond. Red roses for love. Crimson roses for mourning.

I smiled gratefully, and she got up to follow the rest of the line to the front.

There were no other people behind me as I walked to the line of coffins. Christian and Lissa were in front of me, and each gently laid a flower next to Dimitri's picture.
Christian touched my arm as he turned to go back to his seat, but Lissa waited a few steps away. As I looked down at the picture on the table, surrounded by white flowers, I couldn't hold it back anymore.

Much like several of the parents, families, and close friends of the victims, I dropped to my knees in front of the table.

The picture was an official one which I recognised it from Dimitri's ID badge. He was looking straight into the camera, with those intense brown eyes, his hair tied back, with a stoic expression on his face. I'd teased him about how boring it was, how he should have at least smiled. I'd said 'Come on, Comrade, let your hair down', and told him about what Mason, Eddie, Lissa and I had all done on our last school pictures. He'd promised that next time, he's dye his hair purple and wear a sombrero.

But there wouldn't be a next time.

I sensed Lissa take a step closer to me, and I stood up, with difficulty. I gently place the red rose on top of the other flowers, and allowed her to drag me away. But I looked back, and whispered 'I'm sorry'.

I walked with my head high back to my seat, and there were shocked looks from my peers at my display of weakness. And, probably, that I was absolutely crying my eyes out. Nobody here, aside from Lissa, had ever seen me cry before.

I met the eye of anyone who was looking at me, and they quickly turned away, embarrassed.

Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could have been

As Father Andrew was wrapping up the service, Alberta came and sat next to me.

"Rose," she whispered, and I turned to her. She had been crying, too, I noticed. "He would have wanted you to have this."

In her hands was a small, thin, wallet-type thing that Guardians had to keep on them at all times. It held their ID cards and stuff. I took it carefully from her, holding it almost reverently.

It was standard issue, dark blue plastic with the St. Vladimir's crest on it. But at the bottom of the wallet, Dimitri Belikov was hand-written in black biro. I looked up at Alberta before opening it.

Inside was his ID card, with the same photo as what was on the table at the front. The clear pocket looked too big for just that, so I guess they'd taken out his driver's licence and stuff.
In the other pocket was a photo that I guess was of his family, and I could see another picture sticking out behind it.

I pulled it out, and found it to be a picture of me and him. I'd taken it on my phone one day before training, joking around and saying how good we looked together.

"Seriously, Comrade. When we're out of this place, and people see the two of us together, they're gonna hate us. They'll either want to be us, or be withus. They'll think we're models or movie stars or something. We'll be fighting them off, wanting autographs."

He just shook his head and rolled his eyes, going back to setting out the gym mats. "I think you're exaggerating just a bit there, Roza."

I stood beside him, phone at the ready. "Am I really?" I asked, kissing his cheek.

He turned to me, smiling, and I snapped the picture, which I then showed him. "See? Look how utterly, devastatingly beautiful we both look." I grinned.

He pulled me closer. "You always do, Roza."

On the front, I'd signed the picture in black Sharpie, like an autograph. I turned the picture over, reading what I had written there.
Comrade-
See, I was right.
He had written the date that the picture was taken at the bottom of the picture, along with 'Roza'.
A tear dropped onto the paper, blurring the letters.

That was supposed to be our future, I'd been so sure that after we sorted everything out, we'd have forever. And just as we had sorted everything, the universe had taken it away.

I looked back at Alberta, "Thank you. Was this..." I trailed off.

"I found it in the caves, close to where he went down. I didn't give it to you before, because they would have taken it. But I think it belongs to you."

As I looked her in the eye, I saw barely a shadow of her usual fierce attitude. All that remained in her eyes was a quiet determination and acceptance of the cruelty that despite our best efforts, we could not prevent more than we could stop the sun setting each evening. I tried to draw some of that calm strength from her, but it wasn't enough. I leaned into Alberta's side just as the priest began the final prayer.

I closed my eyes, and despite my usual lack of any kind of answer or fulfilment, I prayed.

Please, God. Don't let their sacrifice have been for nothing, and never let this happen again.

Kirova stood up to give the end speech. It was all about how grateful we were for the sacrifices the dead had made, and the risks the living had taken. Even Christian and I were mentioned.
How we would be eternally grateful we were for the gift of life, how we must not allow this to hold us down. 'Grieve and move on', she said.
We would never forget them, she promised, and we never should. And we would one day avenge their deaths... well, the Dhampirs would, but she didn't specify that.

And all I could do was grip the photo tightly in my hands, stare at the single red rose in the sea of white, and hold on to the memory of the man who wasn't here.
Then, finally, it was almost time for the ceremony to end.

And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart

We all stood up, and bowed our heads in a final show of respect. Though guns didn't affect Strigoi, we couldn't exactly fire a stake.
So as a mark of respect to the fallen 'soldiers', a gun was fired, signalling the end of a service, and the end too many lives.

But Dimitri's life hadn't ended. Dimitri's new life couldn't be ended with a bullet.

That was when it really hit me, the enormity of what I had to do. I'd have to plunge a silver stake into the heart that had once loved me, and watch him fall. My Comrade, my Dimitri, finally gone from this world.
And the thought of that made it feel like it was my own heart that was being shot, stabbed, torn apart.

People were exiting the church now, and I pushed my way forwards, squeezing between the other bodies. I had to escape, I couldn't hold it in any more.

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

I ran as fast as I could to the Dhampir dorms and up to my room. As soon as the door was closed behind me, I collapsed on my bed and let the sobs I'd been holding back shake through my body.

When I could breathe again, I pulled the box out of my bag, setting it on the ground in front of me.
I took off the lid, and from it took Dimitri's favourite battered western, the one he had currently been reading. It was in Russian, so I couldn't read it, but just looking at the letters made me feel closer to him.
I took out a pile of paper, held together with an elastic band. Notes that Dimitri had left for me over the last 6 months. I read each note, the letters blurring in front of my tear-filled eyes.

No morning training today~ D
Afternoon practice will be at the gym on elementary campus~ D
Wear something warm, training will be outside~ D
Training is cancelled until further notice~ D
The next 2 practice sessions will be cancelled due to the rapidly approaching plans to leave campus and as classes are ending anyway, it would be a good idea to take a break from practice~ D
Meet me in the Guardian lounge at 6:00~ D
Wear your hair up
Guardian Petrov will be watching our training session today. Don't be late. D
Due to field experience, today will be our last training session. Try to be early. D x

These few scraps of paper, a few hastily written notes were all I had left to prove that he ever existed at all. I still couldn't comprehend how someone so vital, so absolutely full of life that the air around him had crackled with the intensity of his presence, could be gone.

The two letters that were the most important to me were the 6th and final ones. One was from Victor's trial, the other from our last training session together. We hadn't actually done much 'training' then. It was one of the few times our practice sessions became... well, make out sessions.
My chest constricted as I remembered that I would never hold him again, never feel his lips against mine.

I would never feel what it was to be loved again.

I pulled out the last two items in the box. One was the sweatshirt he'd given me to wear the night of the lust charm. I had never given it back, and he'd never asked about it. I'd since learned that the Cyrillic words on the back spelled 'D. Belikov'.

I put it on over my dress, swamped by the material. I'd often slept in this, and it was comforting to feel the soft material against my cold skin. I could almost pretend Dimitri was holding me.

Then, I carefully lifted up the black T-Shirt that was on the floor in front of me. I lifted it to my face, and breathed in the scent that was undeniably Dimitri, allowing myself to get lost in another memory.

I stepped back into the gym, trying to dry my hair. Dimitri came in behind me, and we stood just inside, letting the water drip onto the mat.

"Dimitri, this is insane. I can't believe you made us go out in that." It was practically a rainstorm outside, and he'd forced me to go running in it."I nearly slipped and broke my neck, like, 20 times."

He shrugged. "Strigoi aren't going to wait until it's dry to chase you."

"Whatever. You just wanted to see me fall on my ass so you could laugh."

He chuckled. "If that's what I wanted, then why would I have caught you?"

I was thinking of a comeback when he pulled the elastic out of his hair and it fell around his face, damp strands sticking to his cheeks. It was incredibly sexy. Then, he took his jacket off to reveal a tight-fitting black t-shirt that showed off his well-defined body. I blinked to clear my head.
"Whatever. I don't care- I'm cold, and I'm wet, and my top is see-through!"

That made him look down, focusing on my chest. I decided to play with him a little more, so I took off the soggy shirt, leaving me in just a sports bra.
He dragged his eyes up and smirked, but I could still see the lust in his eyes. "Better now?" he asked.

I shivered under his gaze, but shrugged it off. I pouted. "Nope. Now I'm just even colder."

He wrapped his arms around me, and I leaned against him, humming in contentment as his body heat radiated into me."Mmm, my very own Russian radiator."

He laughed before releasing me, much to my disappointment. "Warmer?" he asked.

I tried to keep the smile off my lips. "My face is still cold."

He realised what I was doing, but played along. Placing a hand on either side of my face, he slowly lowered his lips to mine. I lost myself in his kiss, but all too soon he pulled away.

"Hey, what gives?" I asked.

"You're already 10 minutes late for class. Stan won't be happy."

"Screw Stan, I have to get changed. My t-shirt is completely soaked, not to mention, see-through, and I don't particularly want to go to a class full of guys in just this."
I indicated my lack of clothing, and then picked up my hoodie, which would have been fine, but had a broken zip. Just my luck.

By the look on Dimitri's face, he didn't want anyone else to see me in just a bra, either. "Haven't you got any spare here?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Someone rushed me down here extra early today, remember?"

After a second's thought, Dimitri pulled his own t-shirt over his head and passed it to me. I tried not to let my eyes bug out of their sockets at the sight of his bare chest. "Wear this underneath, and leave your top here. It'll be dry by the end of the lesson."

I hugged him quickly, and where our bare skin touched, it felt like flames dancing across my body.
I pulled away quickly, because this would be really awkward if anyone walked in right now.

I put the shirt on, and it hung practically to my knees. "And you're just going to walk around topless for the next hour?"

"No, I'm going to go to my room and change." Well, of course he was. Not my fault I couldn't think properly.

"Good, because I don't want to have to fight off every girl on campus." I shot him my man-eater smile, and tucked his shirt into my sweatpants. I reached up on my toes to kiss him quickly, placing one hand on his bare chest, over his heart.

"I love you, Roza." He murmured, so quiet I almost missed it.

"I love you too." I whispered back, before turning to leave.

If I'd known then that our time together was limited to a few weeks, that those words I would only hear a few more times, there would have been no way I'd have left him that day. Or ever.
If I'd known that he was going to be taken from me, I'd have run away again, taking Dimitri with me. Hell, even Lissa and Christian too, if they'd wanted.
I wouldn't have wasted a second pretending that I didn't have feelings for him.

Now, alone in my room, I let out a terrible, keening wail. I howled my pain to the empty room, half believing that if I spoke aloud, Dimitri would be able to hear me. And if he could hear me, he'd have to com back.

Oh, baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?

"Why did you leave me? You promised we'd be together!" I sobbed.

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Oh, now I'll never know

"You said we could work it out. You said you'd protect me, but how?"

It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background

"Why does it hurt so bad? How do you expect me to carry on?"

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

"That can't be the last time I see you."

This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

"This can't be happening to me. I'll wake up and you'll be here. This is just a dream."

Oh, this is just a dream
Just a dream

My voice broke on the last word, and I stopped shouting. It wasn't like he could hear me, anyway. If I hadn't been so devastated, I probably would have thought I looked stupid.

There was only one way I could help him now.

The school bell rang, signalling what would have been the end of second period if we hadn't had the day off. This was it; figuratively and literally. My time here at the Academy had come down to its eleventh hour, and I could put off my duty no longer. I owed it to Dimitri; for the sake of his soul and for those of any future victims, to end this, and soon.

I whispered to the silence. "I will find you, Dimitri. I swear it."

I pulled out the silver stake that I hadn't given back after the attack. "On my stake, I swear it."
I ran the tip of the stake across my palm, just under my thumb."I will save you, Dimitri. I swear by my blood."
I watched a crimson bead roll down my hand, landing on the lid of the box. In the same second, a tear joined it, mixing with the red.

A blood promise.

So there we have it. I hope I managed to do this justice.

~Dimitri's. Smexi. Shewolf