A night I'd rather forget

(A/N: I don't own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does,so Kyoya can't deport me for writing this. Right? Anyway, this is a new cracky series my plot bunnies have bullied me about, and there is no stopping those bastards.)

To be honest, Kyoya rather had this coming. Tamaki wanting the club to go with him to a 'commoner bar'? A terrible idea. But Tamaki was so full of terrible ideas. Why should tonight have been any different?

At any rate, there had been a beer drinking contest going on. A frat house was hosting some stupid party there, so the campus bar was full of students in various states of inebriation: tipsy, stumbling, drunk and flat out wasted. Of course, Tamaki insisted on buying drinks for everyone, like he saw in some retarded American movie.

"Drinks all around, bartender!", Tamaki roared. Everyone screamed happily in response.

Why was he here again? Oh yeah.

An hour earlier:

"Kyoya!", Tamaki screamed. "It's Friday night and we must go out drinking! It's a college ritual!"

Kyoya sighed.

"First, you ignoramus, there is no such ritual. Second, we are in university. Third, you are an idiot."

"But Mommy! Our children and neighbors are going! We all must go as a family!"

"The day I let you in my family will be a sad, sad day for the Ootoris. Get out of here."

Then Tamaki did THE POUT. Possibly the only thing that Kyoya could not defend against. No harm in trying though…

53 seconds. That was how long he could hold out against Tamaki. A new record.

"Fine, I'll go. But if I have to do anything stupid, I'll kill you."

"AH! Kyoya! Mon ami! I knew you wanted to do it!"

And Tamaki commenced to do the swinging hugging thing. Kyoya hated that.

After disentangling himself from that blond idiot, Kyoya had an eerie feeling that some major events were going to happen, and that he was not necessarily going to like them.

"I'm just going to a bar. That doesn't mean I'll do anything stupid…"

Kyoya also felt like he was going to be made to eat those words.

The present:

Watching Tamaki crowd surf inside the bar, Kyoya realized that he could have been back in his dorm, destroying someone's livelihood by crashing their stocks. It certainly would be entertaining, and much more intriguing than watching the former Hosts being stupid.

One of the twins (he didn't bother which, they were both annoying) was having a deep conversation with a shot glass, while the other was swimming on the floor.

Mori, Honey and Haruhi were simply staring at them. Honey took pictures.

"Honestly", Kyoya mused. "If only the rest had a brain…"

All of a sudden, Tamaki was beside Kyoya again.

"Mother! Have some cola! You haven't drunk anything, that's almost a crime in this sort of place."

"Er, fine. As long as it is just a soda."

"Yeeah."

As soon as Kyoya sipped it, it occurred to him that it tasted rather… different. Kind of like hand sanitizer, but not really.

"Tamaki, what's in this?"

"It's a magic coke."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Let me refill your cup."

Tamaki snatched the empty cup from Kyoya, ran to the bar, and came back moments later with several more drinks. Tamaki had a stupid smile on his face, but since when was that new? Kyoya picked up a cup and drank. It was unusual for Kyoya to be such a glutton, but hey, they were supposed to let loose and all that crap, and he was thirsty.

3 cups later, Kyoya felt very strange. Kind of free. Like he could tell the world exactly how he felt about it.

Haruhi and Mori had watched the entire scene, and looked kind of concerned. Haruhi looked up at her senpai.

"Mori-senpai? Should we tell Kyoya that he just drank 4 rum and cokes? I have a feeling he's about to do something stupid."

Mori looked at her and smiled.

"Haruhi, you know this is possibly the only time that Kyoya will be this vulnerable."

"So? What does that mean?"

Mori sighed. If he didn't know better, he would really think that she was a tool.

"It means that we are going to have a very interesting evening."

And boy, was it.

Kyoya stomped up to the table where they were having the beer drinking contest and challenged the winner.

"You're not so great. I am an Ootori, and can easily defeat you."

Ten minutes and 17 ½ pints later, Kyoya swaggered from the table victoriously, and plopped down on the seat next to Haruhi.

"I am the SHADOW KING! Bow before my evil ways before I ruin your family!"

Haruhi winced, and tried not to giggle. His shirt was askew, and his glasses were lopsided.

"Senpai, I think that you need to take a break."

"NEVER! I don't take orders, I MAKE THEM! Don't test me!"

Kyoya then proceeded to get up and stand on the chair.

"And I have some announcements to make! Tamaki you f***ing idiot! Round up the twins! I order you!"

He was completely plastered.

"First, why do you call me Mommy? You're my bitch, and DON'T forget it! I AM THE PIMP OF THE HOST CLUB!"

All of the former hosts looked up to see this event. Kyoya, the 'cool' type, and Shadow King, the guy who almost never showed emotion, and sat quietly in the background, was currently standing on a bar stool and screaming his lungs out.

"All of you! I had to deal with your crap for years! Honey-senpai! All those F***ING CAKES! How are you not OBESE! WHY? And you made me buy them! Your FACE! You look like a f***ing baby! ARGH! And Mori! (hic) Why do people even like you? YOU NEVER TALK! SAY SOMETHING FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! TWINS! Kikaru! Haoru! Hikaru! (hic) YOU disgust ME! THE INCEST THE PRANKS THERSEHRJDK! (hic) HARUHI! YOU IDIOT! I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE GDHFGHGFZ AND YOU DON'T F***ING SEE ANYTHING! LOVE ME! Tamaki you SHIT! WHY DO I even-

ACK!"

He had gotten so excited from all his announcements that he began swinging his arms wildly and flailing. It was like watching a train wreck. Horrible, but you couldn't tear your eyes away. He lost his balance, and promptly toppled over the chair, falling flat on his face.

And getting back up immediately to continue ranting.

"MY FATHER! All his mind games and maybe you can be heir and maybe you can't and not good enough and never speaking and! CRAZY OLD MAN! Screw your company! (hic) I can buy and sell you! I ALREADY DID! BITE IT!"

Haruhi managed to stop laughing long enough to tap him on the shoulder.

"Senpai, if you keep going on like this, you will make a fool of yourself. How about you calm down. Write in your creepy notebook. Hmm?"

That made it worse.

"Y'know whats in my notebook? I'LL TELL YOU ALL! My plans for WORLD DOMINATION! CAT PHOTOS! COOKIE RECIPES! LOVELETTERS! THE FUTURE! HBVGCFDX! (hic) (insert whatever inane curses a drunk person spews out when they are completely hammered)"

And with his performance almost over, he kissed Haruhi on the lips and flopped over asleep. Snoring.

The ex-Hosts still watched, mouths agape.

Tamaki timidly stepped forward.

"So, how about we DON'T do this again."

Everyone agreed. They had all learned a lot, particularly Kyoya-wise. The Shadow King + Alcohol = A complete horrifying drunken mess.

The next day:

Kyoya was sure that he was dead. His head felt like it was run over by a herd of stampeding Tamaki's. If he had a bazooka, he could explode himself, or if he had a sword, he could run himself through, and maybe the pain would stop. He got up to look for one, and there was a bottle of Advil and a glass of water on the bedside table. The table was pristine white.

He was in a hospital.

He looked about his room. There was a large couch, a flat screen tv, Haruhi, a sink, a door leading to a-

HARUHI?

Very vividly and quickly, Kyoya recalled the events of the night before. He had told them everything that was in his head. Things that only the Shadow King has business knowing.

"Senpai? You should take the medicine. It will help with your hangover."

Very slowly, he took the medicine, and looked at Haruhi.

"Haruhi? What happened last night?"

Haruhi smiled. She had been waiting for an opportunity to blackmail him since her first year at Ouran.

"Well, what do I start with?" she began. "The drinking contest, the love confession or the revealing of the contents of your black book?"

It was going to be a long day for Kyoya Ootori.

The end

(A/N: I write this in my bunker in an undisclosed location, because otherwise the Shadow King will find me. Kyoya, I am sorry, don't kill me, I LOVE YOU! Review? I love reviews. Next, perchance the Princess of the Host club tells all under the influence… And if you liked this mess, read my first fic, 'You paired me with WHO?' You will laugh, hopefully. Review that too. :D)