four

She was not, she told herself sternly, in love. She was far too old for that nonsense, and the time when she and Tenzin could spend spend a whole day cuddling and talking were almost two decades past. They didn't even have days - she had her job, he had his family, and the Air Nation over which he was slowly reasserting his authority.

They snatched hours here and there, usually late at night, when his family was asleep. Intense encounters, but without the bleak desperation that had marked their last years together. It felt like an affair, and as much as she resented their limited time together, she also knew the urgency was part of the appeal.

Lin wasn't in love, but she was prepared to admit she was happy. Tenzin knew how to please her - sex was something they had figured out together - and if he was sometimes distant, well, he had stopped trying to compete with her job; she could refrain from competing with Pema.

Until one afternoon, when they were entwined together in the little bed she had used a teen, still damp from the warmth of the early summer. Lin was almost asleep, while Tenzin created tiny whirlwinds to evaporate the beads of sweat on her bare chest.

Tenzin said, "I forgot how quiet you are in bed."

She was too sleepy to make sense of it at first. Then she realised what he meant.

"Compared to who?" she demanded. "Pema?"

She sat up, reaching for her discarded shirt.

"I just meant-"

"That you're comparing us." She fumbled with the ties on her shirt. "I thought I made it clear that I wasn't going to play that game."

"Lin, I-"

She silenced him with a glare. He looked down.

She crossed her arms. A million cutting remarks crowded her mind. She could send him away right now, and he would know forever that he was in the wrong, that he had pushed her away with his own stupidity. He'd be lonely and guilty, and she'd be -

alone.

The rage she had built for him turned inward. Stupid - this was why she was alone - this was the same behaviour that had kept her from her family for decades - and him - she was never going to learn, she was always going to be -

She turned on her heel and walked out.

Tenzin found her in the living room a few minutes later, sitting on the couch with her head in her hands.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Lin nodded not trusting herself to speak. She let Tenzin take her hand, and made room for him beside her.

"I fucked up," she said. "Again."

"No, I think that was me."

"No." She couldn't even look at him. "I thought going to bed with you would be easy. I thought I was teaching you how to keep a distance." She pulled her hand out of his. "I love you."

And she hadn't even realised it until now. She was so busy reassuring herself she wasn't falling in love that she hadn't recognised the steady, familiar affection for what it was.

Tenzin said, "Oh."

She forced herself to look at him. His gaze was distant, his face stricken.

"Like I said. I fucked up." She rested her elbows on her knees, letting her hands hang as she stared at the floor. "I thought I could just go to bed with you. I thought we'd have fun, and you could let go of - of everything for a while. I didn't realise…" Lin swallowed. "I'm sorry."

Tenzin was silent.

"Say something," she said.

"I'm sorry."

Lin smiled bleakly. "For what?"

He looked away.

"When I'm with you," he said at last, "there are moments - brief moments - when I can let Pema go."

"Moments." The word tasted bitter in her mouth.

"Brief periods of something like happiness. When I forget that she won't see our kids grow up. She won't meet our grandchildren. Then it passes, and I remember, and - I'm sorry, Lin." He looked at her, tears in his eyes. "I feel like I'm betraying Pema."

"And you hate me for it."

"No!"

She didn't believe him.

Lin stood up, pacing the length of her living room. The anger was back, pushing her forward. "I just - I figured you needed someone. And, yeah, it might as well be me. Maybe I was being selfish." She crossed her arms, wishing for her armour. "You don't need a lover. You need to figure out how to be alone."

Tenzin stood up, and now he, too, was angry.

"Now you're just being-"

"When we broke up, I realised I'd organised my whole life around you."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Tenzin. "If I wanted to see you, I practically had to schedule an appointment three months in advance, and then hope you wouldn't get an emergency call before dinner."

"You're exaggerating. You're the one who spent a year travelling around the air temples."

"Yes, and when I got back, I found you were all but sleeping in your armour!"

"Because," said Lin through gritted teeth, "you went away, and took my entire life outside of work with you. Because all of our friends were actually just your friends. And when you left me, I realised just how isolated I was. I never had to make friends, because I always had you."

"Please don't use me as a crutch for your social limitations," said Tenzin. His ears and cheeks had turned red.

"I figured it out," said Lin. "Eventually. I have friends, I've had plenty of lovers, and I'm very happy with my life. I learned to be alone. But you - you went from me to Pema, and now she's gone, and look, here I am again."

She stepped closer to Tenzin. The anger evaporated and she signed, leaning her head against his chest.

"I don't want to fight," she said. "You should leave." She could feel the warmth of his body. "Before we both say something we regret."

"I should." His hands were on her shoulders. She put her arms around his neck.

"This was a mistake."

"We went much too fast," he agreed. "I don't want to destroy our friendship."

"Again."

Their lips touched. Just for a moment. Then Tenzin pulled away.

"You're right," he said. His hands rested on her hips, one thumb inside the waistband of her shorts. "I should concentrate on my family."

Lin kissed him lightly, reaching down to undo his trousers. "They need you."

He cupped her jaw, holding her in place as their kisses became deeper, tugging her pants down with his other hand. He moaned as she stroked his erection.

"This is - Lin-"

"This is the last time." She pushed him down on the low table with the winged boar design lacquered into the surface. "After this, we're just friends." She dropped to her knees, taking his cock into her mouth.

"Lin," he said, his voice cracking with pleasure. His hands find their way into her hair.

And then she thought He did this with Pema, and she was overcome by a stab of jealousy as fresh as if Pema was still alive. As if this was twenty years ago and she was losing Tenzin for the first time.

She dug her fingernails into his hips, and Tenzin gasped, pulling her hair. He was close, so close… Jealousy fading, she let his cock slip out of her mouth and climbed into his lap, meeting his thrust as he entered her. She kissed him deeply, and grazed his lips with her tongue as he came.

They clung together for a few minutes, exchanging gentle kisses. Then Tenzin shifted, and she had to straighten up and lower herself to the floor.

"Are we too old to have sex on your grandparents' furniture?" Tenzin wondered.

"It was always uncomfortable. Just used to take us longer to notice, that's all." Lin stretched, realising she was still wearing her shirt, now stained with sweat, and nothing else. Her hair was in her face, her cheeks felt flushed, and there was an insistent throb between her legs. "I must look ridiculous."

"It's certainly an interesting position for the second most powerful woman in the city," said Tenzin, sinking to the ground beside her. "But it has a certain appeal." He slid his fingers inside her, leaving the tip of his thumb resting on her clit. "Especially when you make that face."

She shifted, pressing herself against his hand, stifling a moan as he curled his fingers inside her.

"Are you still angry?" he asked.

"A little - no, don't stop. I'm angry. It doesn't mean I hate you - mmph." She could feel the pressure building. "How can you make me talk about feelings at a time like this? No, no, like that - like that-" She was on the brink, but he slowed down. "I'll be angrier if you stop."

"This isn't like the angry sex we use to have."

"No." Lin swallowed a moan. "This is new."

"Maybe we've grown in our years apart."

"Tenzin, if you don't let me come soon, I swear you'll see just how angry I can be."

He laughed and ran his free hand over her breasts, summoning a breeze to lift her shirt and caress her nipples.

"Did you mean it?" he asked, still stroking her, "when you said you loved me?"

"I take it back. Typical airbender. All tease-"

She inhaled sharply as her orgasm rose, building to a peak. She felt the stone floor crack beneath her as she crested the wave, but she was too far gone to care.

She lay sprawled on her floor while Tenzin washed his hands and retrieved his clothes. She was half-asleep when he returned to her side.

"Are you going?" she asked.

"I feel as if I should put you to bed first."

"Help me up."

He pulled her to her feet, and they stood toe to toe, looking at each other. Then Lin slipped her arms around his waist.

"This is it," she said, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She closed her eyes, inhaling his scent. "I'm the one who got emotionally involved."

"Lin."

"Tenzin?"

"I said certain things when our relationship ended. At the time, I thought they were true."

She straightened up, pushing him away.

"Haven't we had enough emotional confessions for one day?"

"I never stopped loving you."

Lin closed her eyes.

"It was - uncomfortable, to realise I could love two women at once. I had already made my choice. It was a very complex situation. I felt like loving you meant I was lying to Pema."

She took his hand.

"I was wrong," he said. "I don't regret my marriage, or my children. But I do regret the way we ended things."

"Me, too." Lin swallowed. "I behaved badly." She attempted a smile. "Look, you know I'm not good at tact. But I meant it when I said you should be alone for a while." She closed her eyes and returned to his embrace. "I'm not saying I like it, mind."

"I don't expect you to wait."

"Good. You never know when someone better might come along." Tenzin's arms were tight around her shoulders. "We can stay friends this time, right?"

"Lin." He kissed her forehead. "I'll always love you."

She wanted to tell him that she had changed her mind, what he needed was to be with her, but before she could open her mouth, the telephone rang.

She hesitated.

"You should get that," said Tenzin. "It's probably work."

She pushed him away at last, reaching for the phone.

"Beifong."

"Chief! Mako here. We've got a body down at the docks. Young, male, heavily tattooed. Looks like a Triad execution."

She was distantly aware of Tenzin squeezing her hand and walking away, but work had her attention now.

"I'll be there in thirty minutes," she said, then remembered her current state. "Make it forty-five. Secure the scene and send any newshounds packing. Tell them I'll take questions tonight."

"On it, Chief."

She hung up the phone and realised she was alone. Again. But it felt like the right thing, this time, and maybe it was temporary. I never stopped loving you.

She went to shower.

end

Notes

So I was going to end this with flowers and a wedding and happy airbending stepchildren, but I realised that would be dishonest. And, like, this may not be my best work, but we can't be having dishonesty. Or forced happy endings that aren't earned. Apparently. (Probably the happiest ending would be Tenzin going back in time and saying to his younger self, "But have you considered polyamory?")

Anyway, this felt like a natural point to leave it, and I shall come back in the future for The Bit Where They Get Back Together and The Bit Where Tenzin's Kids Are Like, "What The Fuck, Dad, We're Not Putting Up With A Stepmother Who Thinks We Don't Turn Into People Until We Turn 12." It's a thing.