Disclaimer: … as if.

Warnings: spoilers (well, duh). One thing that seriously pisses me off is that unspoken norm this site has which implies that whenever there's homossexual content involved we have to warn readers (if we can even call it homossexual under these circumstances). For crying out loud, I rated it M and specified the pairing, so the information's all there. This is the last time I warn about this kind of thing. I'm sorry if this offends you, but I had to get it out. End rant.

Special Thanks: to anjumstar for being her usual awesome self!

Image: by Kawaii-Nic. Found on deviantart.

So I used a random word generator for this at 3 friggin' clock in the morning, when I was supposed to be sleeping and was not because my brain is a dumbass. However, I had the decency of dozing off a little before writing these cuties... kinda.

Enjoy!

Cacophony

1. Game

Well, here we go again: Nathaniel's got a silver-tipped spear and I have my lioness claw (for ol' times' sake), and I don't know why he gets all riled up every time someone else calls me, honestly, but making him jealous is bound to make us play later, so I won't complain… much.

2. Shoes

"May the Other Place save your soul, dear master, if you ever make me polish those little pieces of shit after you spent your day strolling in a swamp again!" hissed a snappish Bartimaeus, voice tainted with sarcasm.

3. Paranoia

He's such a hygiene freak, he refuses to kiss me in the morning since he hasn't brushed his teeth yet, so excuse me if I follow him there and lick his toothpaste off until he's shrieking like a girl.

4. Applause

Nathaniel has always been keen on being recognized, and a standing ovation sounded more than pleasant in his head; however, as his servant stood by the door, sarcastically applauding his latter doings with a raised eyebrow, he would have given anything to just be out of the spotlight.

5. Order

Nathaniel trembled while jolts of pleasure rushed through him in waves, fading, and as his sweaty, naked body was covered by Bartimaeus', he wondered how having sex before properly dating someone could sound so out of order and blissfully amazing at the same time.

6. Dance

Never one to give in to the circumstances, Nathaniel forced an unwilling Bartimaeus to guise as an elegant young woman, and waltzed in front of the whole government at the Masked Ball that night.

7. Medicine

After sneezing for the hundredth time that morning, Nathaniel decided that the best medicine were not the pills his doctor was making him take, but having his talkative servant around to keep him company (not that he would ever voice those thoughts aloud).

8. Radiator

London was so cold, especially at night, and that was Nathaniel's excuse for not shoving his spirit servant away every time he climbed onto his bed and snuggled him until dawn.

9. Worry

Nathaniel always works till late hours of night, so Bartimaeus, being the devoted and obedient servant that he is, finds it fitting to randomly appear behind his master and nibble on his ears until he gives his reports up.

10. Joy

It's at times like these - when idiot number one smiles at me like I'm the most precious thing - that my essence pulses gently and warmly, and I can't help but be idiot number two.

11. Reason

Neither of us is wrong; neither of us is right either, but when we both start yelling out nonsense to hurt the other, it pains me to think they're all lies, and that the way he looks at me is as broken as I am.

12. Straw

"GET YOUR ESSENCE OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU BLASTED SPIRIT, AND TAKE THAT THING WITH YOU!" Nathaniel bellowed while an amused cat Bartimaeus held captive a mouse between his teeth.

13. Noise

Bartimaeus stomped down the stairs of his master's mansion, swiftly searching for the source of the noise that had awoken the princess, and grinning maliciously when he found nothing more than a lonely centipede - now he would just test how many different sounds Nathaniel could make in a row.

14. Pillow

Nathaniel threw a pillow at Bartimaeus - who was wearing a beam so large it became inhuman at some point - missing greatly, and crying, "Don't you think you'll get anything tonight, you insufferable spirit; get off my bed this instant!"

15. Force

Nathaniel - mortified and so ashamed he could die - blamed gravity an hour after his own urges and demands had broken his self-control and he had all but hastily pecked a bewildered Bartimaeus for the first time.

16. Recipe

As the oven exploded and Nathaniel cursed, Bartimaeus laughed hysterically at how stylish the magician's hair looked with orange and carrot cake pieces on top.

17. Signature

That's what the idiot has been wondering about: how to give autographs; well, that is until I kindly reminded him everyone would love to get them written with his blood.

18. Vowel

Nathaniel's surprised face was most notable by the way his mouth pulled off the perfect shape of an 'o', and it was all Bartimaeus could do to keep himself from undoing it with a row of heated kisses.

19. Button

He's snapping - I can tell by the way he looks at me and slightly trembles - so I, a devoted servant, push his buttons further, until he's literally kicking me out of his office, enraged words such as 'nuisance' and 'distraction' echoing through the walls.

20. Cane

My exemplar existence does not allow such thing as 'having many regrets' to come my way, but I do have two: Ptolemy, and, upon glancing at Nathaniel's naked back to face his now white scars, being met by the vivid, nagging reminding of how I should have found him and slowly killed that fucking douchebag sooner.

21. Bridle

I wonder, as Nathaniel demands I change into a fully equipped horse so we can pursue another idiotic corrupt magician of a considerable low level - vehemently protesting when I suggest the gargoyle form - if he purposely chose to have me on that form so that he can be the one on top for once in his life.

22. Peddle

Never would I have guessed there'd actually come the day Nathaniel would voluntarily go out of his way to peddle around one of the poorest neighborhoods of London, while properly guised and with cosmetics in his bag; all because Kitty was so ill she couldn't stand (albeit she stubbornly tried to), nor lose one single day of payment.

23. Epidemic

Every place he touches burns, at every kiss my mind is forced into slumber; and it doesn't matter if I have far greater abilities than him, a mere human, because he always wins, albeit unconsciously, and the fact that he isn't even trying only adds to my gradual contamination.

24. Spit

"BECAUSE THERE'S A FUCKING ASSASSIN OUT THERE TO KILL YOU, YOU INFURIATING FOOL!" Bartimaeus barks, successfully wetting Nathaniel's face in the process.

25. Hour

It had been seventy years after the first summon, but to Bartimaeus it had only been a matter of hours before Nathaniel closed his eyes one last time, never to wake again.

26. Stardom

... is measured by one's abilities regarding a certain matter, theme or area being almost wholly acknowledged by a large audience; however, to Nathaniel it was fine as long as he was deemed precious by Bartimaeus.

27. Gears

The other day, Nat and I came across a funny thing named 'handheld cellular mobile phone', when visiting America to renovate the recently created peace treaty, and agreed imps charges would lower considerably from that day onwards.

28. Galaxy

It was just another one of those ridiculous bickerings of ours, this time regarding who loved who more (silly, and seemingly so out-of-character, but Nathaniel can be adorable whenever he puts his mind to it), and when he tried the typical 'I-love-you-to-the-end-of-our-galaxy', I answered, in a perfectly cliched fashion, "I love you that much and back."

29. Chess

Bartimaeus smirked knowingly, while biting back a snigger, spying a flushed, enraged Nathaniel as his knuckles turned white from clutching them so tightly, and said in a low, suggestive tone, "Checkmate."

30. Lollipop

It was Bartimaeus' fault - no, really - because the djinni had all but paraded around the house producing suction noises and licking that stupid lollipop, Nathaniel had lost it eventually and kissed him shut.

31. Ankle

A shriek filled the once quiet room, followed by resonant laughter, as Nathaniel placed his feet off the bed, and a demoniac, sharp-nailed hand surreptitiously grabbed his ankle.

32. Dice

Nathaniel's a mess - well, he should have known better than to engage in a drinking board game with me (he kept babbling on about how I had bewitched the dice and etc.) - but I guess he'll be far worse in the morning, when he wakes up to find his face with a futuristic sense of fashion written all over it.

33. Hot

Nathaniel tiptoed away from his drawer, carrying (in hopes of concealing and destroying) that embarrassing photograph Bartimaeus had taken just after he had gotten sunburnt, when a familiar cold hand's touch made him yelp.

34. Puppet

Owning puppets is a funny, educational business, and it's common sense that every child's got their favorite, so when Nathaniel overly chooses to play with Bartimaeus, no one questions why.

35. Lasso

... is the first thing being removed by Bartimaeus' eager hands after spending a whole night listening to political crap while wanting nothing more than to love his master.

36. Snail

"Is this really necessary?" he asks, as I sprint down London's streets in my gargoyle form, careful to shield him from our attackers (being a politician sure has its handicaps), and roll my eyes at him; sure, was I supposed to let this snail walk instead?

37. Galvanise

Mandrake still thinks his 'inspiring' sentences on newspaper covers will change male commoners' attitude towards the raging war taking place in America, and doesn't listen to a single thing I say about the matter.

38. Slide

"Nat, really, it's supposed to slide," I breathe out impatiently as my master and lover squirms beneath me, letting out a yelp and holding onto me for dear life as I try to force him down the red slide; he's really no fun.

39. Shop

I growl between clenched teeth, meeting Mandrake's inexpressive eyes through my narrowed ones, clearly hinting that I'd be killing him next time he dragged me out to carry Farrar's shopping bags.

40. Bib

Nathaniel eyed the object with disdain and curiosity, as Bartimaeus sighed for the thousandth time and kept feeding the glaring old man lovingly.

41. Stiletto

Bartimaeus covered his mouth hastily in hopes of concealing his laughter, but sniggered nonetheless as a sullen Nathaniel appeared before him, fully dressed, with matching fashionable black stiletto heels, in a dubious outfit for their next suicidal mission.

42. Resting

Bartimaeus always complains about how Nathaniel abuses his servants, because he'd be damned if he ever let out that while the Other Place manages to restore his strength, it doesn't soothe his soul anymore.

43. Bulb

It has been a while since I last saw Nat cry, so it's no wonder I am caught off-guard by such vision; and while nothing seems to come to mind for me to try to ease him, my eyes fall to his hands, where an onion's bulb lies, and I instantly feel my left eyebrow repeatedly twitch.

44. X-ray

They hate it, since it's so excruciatingly difficult to reduce their contact to lingering, longing stares when both mentally acknowledge their attraction towards the other, but they had agreed to it nonetheless, because they also admit how wrong it is.

45. Varnish

She says she wants pink on her nails, and I patiently comply, liking it when her laugher fills the room, because it sounds partially like Kitty's, but finding it simply adorable when her curious blue eyes - so much like her father's it's unbearable - seek mine.

46. Insult

Nathaniel found it hard to breathe less than a second after the word 'demon' left his throat, knowing all too well Bartimaeus wouldn't loosen his grip or recoil the slightest bit unless a heartfelt apology came his way.

47. Judge

When talking about the afterlife - something it appears every human mulls over at least once in their lives - Nathaniel and I both agreed that when the time came for us to be judged by those so-acclaimed superior beings, we'd eventually find each other in Hell.

48. Ghost

Immortality pays a high price, and that Bartimaeus knew when his hand longingly reached out to clutch Nathaniel's, but instead of feeling their usual warmth, receiving the odd, piercing cold sensation of his palm being trespassed by his former master's.

49. Caper

Surely I had foreseen this day - that of Nathaniel being acclaimed as Prime Minister - but never, ever in my time spent by his side would I have imagined the apparently rigidly calm, collected magician to practically start capering like a child when those news reached his ears.

50. Zoo

Oftentimes, after sending his servants on their tasks, Nathaniel wondered if he had summoned a bunch of wild animals instead of spirits, but when Bartimaeus pinned him down on his mattress - or anywhere else, for that matter - he was absolutely sure he ran a zoo.

Aw, this was so much fun to do! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did enjoy writing it (while going home after missing 2 trains any source of amusement is incredibly welcomed, and it helped me procrastinate on an essay too, so that's a bonus!)

Remember I can only improve by getting feedback, so please lend me your thoughts if you have the time! :)

Also, the inspiration for this came from reading a fic responding to this challenge. I can't really remember the name now, but I know it's in the beginning of my community's list. It's definitely worth reading, I promise!

Love,

C'sMelody