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Only Uchiha go to Heaven

The battle at the Valley of the End was over. Sasuke and Naruto laid on the ground, exhausted, bleeding profusely, and missing an arm each.

"I love happy ending," Naruto whispered to himself, opening his eyes with a smile on his face, "We're going back to Konoha, and everything will be fine."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sasuke shrugged. "When I'm regaining the strength to, I'm gonna kill you ugly, Naruto."

"What? But we totally made peace together!"

"Those were hallucinations from your massive blood loss, moron," Sasuke chided him, "You think I'm going to change my mind just because we beat up one another? If anything, it makes me want to kill you more."

"Sasuke, Sasuke!" A light shone briefly above the two ninjas, taking the shape of their once mortal foe, the masked criminal Tobi. The criminal mastermind had sparkling angel wings growing out of his back and a shining halo above the head. "Repent, Sasuke! It is not to late for you to go to Heaven, as I did!"

Naruto's eyes widened. "Wait, WHAT?!"

"You exterminated my clan!" Sasuke protested. "How the hell can you go to Heaven?"

"Yeah, what can make up for starting a deadly world war and nearly destroying an entire city?" Naruto asked angrily.

"Community service," Obito replied.

"... community service?"

"Remember all those times I helped old ladies cross a street?" Obito laughed happily. "Apparently they totally made up for twenty years of genocide and mass murder. I even got to marry Rin in the afterlife."

"... you're kidding right?" Naruto asked.

"Honestly, I think the big guy upstairs has a fetish for Uchiha," Obito admitted, "The Karma scale is totally in our favor. Even Madara got admitted there."

"But you're an asshole!" Naruto protested.

"Hey, weren't you calling me the greatest guy you ever knew a few hours earlier?" Obito asked. "After I killed Neji right in front of you?"

"... dang, I can't believe I forgot that."

Obito coughed. "Anyway, Sasuke, what I mean is, if you give an apology to Naruto and don't go crazy again, it will make up for all the attempted murders and world domination attempts. Hell, helping this kid is such a karma jackpot I think even Orochimaru will go to Heaven just for calling him cute..."

"No way I'm going to share the same afterlife as you!" Sasuke protested.

"But look at the bright side," Obito said, "If you redeem yourself, you get to marry Sakura and have a daughter with her!"

"Wait, you mean... those weren't hallucinations?" Naruto asked, remembering the vision he had had. "But... why did Anko-chan got so fat I mistook her for Chouji? And why do my children have whiskers without having the Kyuubi inside them?"

"You were born with whiskers, Naruto," Tobi pointed out. "That plot hole was there for years, dude."

"That's beside the point!"

"I've no idea the fuck you're talking about, but there's no way I can end up with Sakura," Sasuke protested, "I told her I didn't like her to her face! Hell, I tried to kill her, like a bazillion times!"

"Technically, you tried only twice, and the second attempt was an illusion," Naruto pointed out, "But yeah, real boyfriend material... unless Sakura is a maso."

"You know the moral of the story?" Obito asked. "You should totally try to kill a girl, that will totally make her fall for you and bear your babies. Because girls always fall for the handsome guy who tries to murder them."

"Just... shut up, both of you," Sasuke growled.

"It surprised me too," Obito admitted, "I bet you and Naruto were going to end up together."

"How could you believe something so stupid?" Sasuke asked.

"Guys, your blood are mixing together in a vaguely heart shaped puddle," Obito pointed out, "Even some slash fics don't go that far!"

Sasuke said nothing, then decided he had enough of this shit. He started convulsing. "Hey, what's happening?" Naruto asked panickly.

"I'm trying to speed up the blood loss," Sasuke explained, "With luck, I'll die before Sakura catches up to us. I would rather die than continue listening to you."

"... you do know I managed to save Gai after he opened the eight gate, which fried his body and turned it into cinders?" Naruto asked. "I'm pretty sure I could revive you in no time."

"And you do know Uchiha's souls can magically return from the dead to give people superpowers?" Obito asked. "Deal with it, you're not going to die until the end of the year's next movie. Only when you make a bazillion more cash, when the world is overstuffed with merchandise, will you have Kishi's permission to die."

"... and FUCK!"

A/N: just a snippet I wrote after reading Naruto's last chapter. I should feel bad for writing this, but considering how karma works in Naruto I'm sure I can get away with it.

Hope you loved it.