Inspired by what John Stewart has affectionately labeled "Democalypse 2014."

Robin for Exalt

"You're the King?" I didn't vote for you."-Monty Python and the Holy Grail-

"…What the hell is this…" Chrom knows we're broke, right?

"So pretty!" Lissa posed next to her likeness in gold.

"Teach always told ya; these guns are a work of art!" Vaike flexed next to his.

"Wait till Ma' sees this; you city folk sure are fancy!" Donnel was mighty impressed.

"…This seems like a colossal waste of money…" Gaius spoke sense.

"Milord insisted that no expense be spared in honoring our war heroes," Frederick didn't really NEED a 10 foot tall, solid-gold statue of himself on public display to feel honored. But it was a nice thing to have.

"Anndddd now I have to explain to the Fletchers Guild why we haven't settled our war debt, but have enough gold to buy 10 thousand longbows decorating King's Plaza. That's totally what I wanted to do today…"

House Ylisse had accumulated an astronomical sum of debts between the campaigns in Plegia and Valm; that was the plain truth of the matter. The farmers hadn't been paid for stocking marching rations. The stonemasons hadn't been paid for rebuilding the border forts. The apothecaries hadn't been paid for treating wounded veterans. There were shipping costs from the landing in Valm Harbor and excise fees from importing Feroxi Steel and road-building expenditures from Awakened Grima quaking the old highways.

There were job shortages. (Trade guilds waiting on payment from the crown were sitting on their assets instead of taking on new apprentices.)

There were bread lines. (Chrom's pronouncement that no merchant may charge more than 2 farthings per loaf so that all men could eat had induced merchants to stock fewer loaves. Which in turn had induced farmers to grow less grain.)

Ylisstol was overcrowded and disease-ridden and reeked of feces. (Chrom had opened the royal city to every orphan and war refugee without any thought as to the burdens of human traffic or the limits of city infrastructure. When the sewers started backing up, Robin finally convinced him that they had a problem.)

Chrom was a good man and a noble warrior. But he was a terrible, terrible king.

"Did you like the new war memorial?"

"You're an idiot." Robin berated the Exalt.

"It wasn't THAT expensive."

"Do I need to run down the list of things you should have been doing with all that gold before arts-and-crafts projects?"

"I took out a loan from Chon'sin. We'll have our debts paid off by years end."

"Loans ARE debt."

"Right; but now we owe all our debts to just one lender." Chrom explained himself. "They won't call it in all at once, we can service it down, and we don't have to make our first payment for five years. We don't even have to pay for all of it."

"What do you mean we don't have to pay for all of it? Of course we have to pay for it."

"We borrowed 50 million gold and only have to pay back 45 million; Chon'sin takes 10 percent of the interest. They wanted 5 percent; but I negotiated it up to 10."

"Are you fucking serious right now?" Robin gaped.

"Pretty good, right?" Chrom beamed.

"DUMBASS! interest is what they charge you every year on top of what you haven't paid yet!"

"Wait; Really? So then 10 percent means…"

"…in five years, you owe Chon'sin 80 million gold!"

"…Oh…shit…" Chrom felt foolish. "That's not nearly as good."

"Ya Think!?"

"It okay. I can fix this. I just need to find Say'ri and…"

"I'LL find Say'ri and explain that the King of Ylisse doesn't know how loans work." Robin took charge before Chrom blundered further. "You…go play with Falchion or something…"

By day's end Robin had refinanced Chrom's loan down to 3 percent, procured a waiver of liabilities from the mayor of Southtown, and worked out a trade agreement by which the Fisherman's Guild would sell to Port Ferox at a discount rate in exchange for an offset against the cost of steel.

"With this arrangement we get the guild hiring again, decrease our reconstruction costs…CHROM! PAY ATTENTION!" Robin gave her report. Or at least tried. When it came to matters of state, Chrom had the attention span of a goldfish.

"Gods Robin; you know I don't understand any of this." The Exalt yawned.

"Remind me why you're King again?"

"Ummmmm…lets see….my father was a King. His father was a King. His father was a King…"

"That's stupid. You're stupid. Picking leaders by bloodline is STUPID!" Robin could name dozens of scholars and sages and scribes who hadn't been fortunate enough to have been sired by royalty, and were more competent to sit a throne than Chrom or Lissa or Lucina. Or—gods forbid—Cynthia (Ylisse's next head-of-state by operation of law if Lucina predeceased her without heir...that thought was absolutley horrifying).

"Look; I'm not going to pretend it makes sense. It is what it is; just give me the papers and I'll put my seal to them."

"Don't just put your seal to it; READ FIRST!"

"These trade agreements are…like…200 pages long. No one actually reads these."

"Your word can change laws and move armies. You should be reading EVERYTHING you put your name to."

"I would. But its late, and Sumia's been super horny all day, and I really don't want to..." without further review—errr; any review—Chrom affixed his seal.

"You could have just signed a decree changing the title of Exalt to Supreme Master Big Nuts, and you wouldn't even know."

"You seem to have everything in order. I trust you!" Chrom left Robin the work of filing and promulgating his decrees, and hastily retired to have dirty, dirty sex with his smoking hawt wife.

"I do all the work around here. I practically run this country. I should be Exalt." Robin recorded the date of affixing in the king's registrar and drafted a certification.

And then a most wicked thought occurred to her.

I SHOULD be Exalt.

"…What the hell is this…" Robin knows you can't be exalt unless you're royalty, right?

"VOTE ROBIN!" Gaius harassed random pedestrians with campaign literature and a rouge's tongue. "You there; what a sweet child you have. Does he want a free lollipop. Here's a free lolipop. VOTE ROBIN! You there; gentleman of exceptionally good taste in the stunning hat. Do you know how stylish you look? VOTE ROBIN!"

"You. Peasant boy. How would you like to pay lower taxes AND make more money!" Maribelle sold her pitch.

"My brother's a dork; vote for Robin!"

"LISSA!" Chrom was pissed.

"What; they were giving away free lollipops. You don't give away free lollipops" Lissa pouted.

"What is the meaning of this!?"

"I'm running against you for the title of Exalt, dweeb." Robin called out.

"You can't do that!"

"Oh yes I can! Exalt is an elected office now."

"Since when!?"

"Since you signed An Order by Exalt Chrom abolishing throne rights by blood and providing for appointment by Popular Election, because YOU DON'T READ!" Robin produced proof of filing.

"…the fuck is a Popular Erection? That sounds like something Vaike gets."

"ELECTION! Its when people vote who they want to run the country and put the winner in charge. You're a king; why don't you not know this?"

"So we're going to appeal to the peasants and bumpkins and pick a ruler based on who they like more?"

"Yes."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Its not dumber than picking a ruler based on who got squirted out of a dead exalts balls in what order!"

"...Its way dumber than that..."

"You're just afraid I'll beat you."

"YOU? Beat ME?" Chrom guffawed. "I'm THE EXALT!"

"You SUCK at your job!"

"No…seriously Robin…the people love me. And Sumia. And most of them still think that you're some kind of demonspawn. There is no way you could ever get more votes then me."

"PROVE IT!"

"FINE; I WILL! GODS!"

"IT'S ON!"

"IT'S SO ON!"

-Cast Your Vote- (Of course the first year I vote Democrat is the year Republicans retake the Senate)