Something Only He Would Say

By Laura Schiller

Based on: Doctor Who

Copyright: BBC

"Stop saying that! Anyone could say that! If you say that one more time, I swear I'll switch this thing off!"

He says it again: "Clara, I love you."

I switch it off.

Damn, I knew it. It's not the real Danny after all. It's a fake, put together by these 3W people to get me to buy one of their horrid fish tank tombs. I hate them. If I hadn't been so "skeptical and critical", like the Doctor asked me to –

This Doctor, I mean. The old him never would have said that. He would have wanted to believe Danny's voice was real.

Something only you would say. For God's sake, how hard is that? If it were me, I'd have a dozen things. The first time I asked him out, I caught him banging his head on the desk. His real first name is Rupert. He used to sleep with toy soldiers guarding his bed. He's so warm that when we sleep together, the blankets always end up tangled on the floor. He can't watch action movies because the sound of gunfire triggers him, but he didn't even flinch when he saw that tiger. He shivers all over when I kiss his neck. His language sometimes gets away from him when he sees me, and then he overplays it by pretending to sound like a caveman …

"You. Me. Second date?"

"Not quite the right order. Good thing you're a maths teacher."

I should have remembered. How could I not remember? He can solve an equation just by looking at it, teach Bradley to say please, and see right through me when I'm lying, but verbal skills aren't his forte. Except maybe when he's angry. Definitely not when he's hurt.

By my own bloody skepticism.

I'll switch that thing off. He heard me, and he said it. He thinks I'd kill myself – and come to think of it, I might. He broke the connection so I'd walk away instead and … live.

What if it was the real Danny, and the last thing I did was shout at him?

Oh God, of course it was.

I was going to end it. I knew he deserved better than me. I could feel myself going numb, day after day, like an arm or leg falling asleep. When you've seen armies fall and planets die, people getting dissected by an Ice Warrior, upgraded into Cybermen or sucked into the walls, the entire Earth voting to kill an innocent creature, and your best friend lie to you with a straight face, there's only so much feeling you have left. It starts to run dry. You need a new thrill, a new life-or-death run, just to remind you that you're breathing. And Danny – the last man I'll ever love – even his love wasn't enough to break through the surface.

Even his death wasn't. All I remember is feeling disappointed, because really? A car accident? At least the Skovox Blitzer would've been interesting.

But I'm back now. I'm not the Doctor's Impossible Girl any longer. Just plain Clara Oswald alone in a dark room, like the night my mum died, only a thousand times worse.

I betrayed the Doctor, and the TARDIS too. It doesn't matter that I never did it – I believed I was doing it. I planned to do it.

I remember the heat of the lava scorching my face, the Doctor's cold eyes, that sick feeling in my stomach when the last key dropped.

"D'ye think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?"

Danny would say the same thing, I know. But it makes a difference to me.

Danny, my Danny, I swear by all the stars in the universe that I will do everything I can to bring you back.

And after I do that, I'll set you free. Free to live your life with someone who deserves you.