Guilt?
Is that what I felt?
NO
YES
My subconscious screamed YES YOU FEEL GUILT BECAUSE YOU CARE!
But I can't, I shouldn't
I won't - so I lock those thoughts in the darkest depths of my soul to never be found.
It was a constant process that I went through after similar situations, for example the massacre during the Winter Wonderland event, I knew I was playing him, so did Stefan, we talked and the guilt came back but I went through the process again:
Guilt?
Is that what I felt?
NO
YES
Again, my subconscious screamed YES YOU FEEL GUILT BECAUSE YOU CARE!
But I can't, I shouldn't
I won't – so, again, I lock those thoughts in the darkest depths of my soul to never be found
and I walk out of the Salvatore house and run home to the safety of my own house where the peace and quiet shuts up the buzzing thoughts in my head and the thudding beat of my heart.
But this time it's different because I can't keep down the guilt, if I did then I would be…
Flashback
RING RING! RING RING!
"Hello" I said into the phone
"Blondie get your ass down here we have a plan" and then all I heard was the absent drone of the hang up tone.
Here we go again, a plan, a plan where I will probably put myself into danger to help my friends. Don't get me wrong I love my friends I would do anything for them and maybe that's the problem, anything, I would do anything, no matter the boundaries, no matter the obstacles in the way of getting it done, I would do it because I love my friends. But wen do I reach my limit, when do I decide to stop and think not with the thoughts of putting my friends first but instead putting myself first.
I make my way down to the Salvatore house to find that the obvious trio- Stefan, Elena and Damon- have already been joined by Bonnie, Jeremy, Tyler and Matt
"What took so long Blondie?!" Damon said as he poured himself a glass of bourbon.
"Well you didn't exactly specify the time did you and I had more important things to do that to listen to you, so someone wanna explain to me what this damn plan is and how I'm involved?" I snared.
Damon always gets on my nerves, if you hadn't guessed already I don't like him, actually no, I hate him but I put that aside for Stefan (since he's my best guy friend) and Elena who seems to be in love with him.
Elena then tried to get back to the point "Ok so we need to complete Jeremy's tattoo to find out where the cure is so the plan is…"
"that our baby Gilbert gets rid of one of the Originals which results in the mark being completed, a dead original and the cure. It's a win-win situation" Damon completed with a smirk as he finished his bourbon.
"So, let me get this straight, you want Jeremy to get a non-existent white oak stake, lure in an impossibly unlureable Original, who if I may I say is a thousand years older than him and then stake him killing millions of people in the process as well as angering the other 3 originals once they find out what's happened. Right great plan jackass, definitely a win-win situation" I replied with sarcasm dripping throughout the sentence.
"And this is why we don't let you do any of the brainwork Blondie, one, we have a white oak stake left since we used the remaining wicker bridge sign to create it, two, all we need is a distraction to lure one in and then Judgey will do her witchy ju ju resulting in a perfect paralysed target for little gilbert to stake."
"Look Care, it's a full proof plan all we need is a distraction for Klaus so that he doesn't get in the way" Tyler said.
Speechless, that's what I felt, not only where they trying to kill a thousand year old serial maniac with trust issues but they offering me up as a sacrifice.
"Yeah come on Care, simple really we kill two birds with one stone and all we need is for you to flirt a bit with Klaus and the rest of us will do the hard work." Elena said as she looked at me with giddy eyes as if she'd just won the lottery.
"Seriously?! So you're putting me up as a sacrifice for Klaus whilst the rest of you get yourselves killed!"
"Look Blondie, stop acting like a neurotic freak, all you need to do is get the ladies out, meet big bad Ken, chit chat for a bit and then get the hell out of there then Bonnie will do a trapping spell on the original hybrid whilst we get rid of Kol and then find the cure!"
"There are so many things wrong with this plan and so many issues like what would happen after Klaus gets out of the trap and not to mention Rebekha and Elijah who'll come after us and once Elena has the cure then what's to stop Klaus from using her as a blood bag again?!"
Finally Stefan spoke for the first time and my hopes of my best friend agreeing with me flew right out the window "Caroline we'll deal with all those things once we complete the mark and get the cure what you need to focus on now is you luring Klaus away"
As I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest, I scanned the faces of the people who stood before me, Damon with his usual smirk and devious eyes, Elena with a giddy look on her face, Tyler and his face hardened with thoughts of finally taking down an original, Bonnie in a stance of readiness as if she was itching to get going and get this over and done with, Stefan and his usual broody face with a glimmer of hope in his eyes and Matt who frankly looked as if he didn't know what his actual role was in this plan.
It hit me like a train, there were only 2 options, the first I go along with this plan and then get myself killed by one of the 2 remaining originals if Klaus didn't get to me first or turn around, walk away and save myself.
Even as I analysed the current situation I couldn't stop my stomach turning and my heart pounding, the thoughts and feelings started to seep in,, the lock that I had put on them started cracking.
Guilt. It consumed me.
"So Blondie get your glad rags on and seduce away"
It wasn't a question, a statement which Damon made which told me that my friends thought I would agree with them, that there were no boundaries to risking my own life for others.
"Go Care, we need to prepare" I heard Elena saying
I took a deep breath and with a resolute voice I said…
"No"