Episode 3: Happily Ever Afterlife

Old A/N: Hey guys! Well, this is the third chapter, so I guess I should give you some backstory. See, what you need to know about me is that I don't delete documents. Ever. I always keep my abandoned story ideas- of which I have literally hundreds- lying around on my hard drive, on the off-chance I might one day rediscover them and decide they were worth doing after all. So a few days ago I was unfathomably bored and, during a routine search of my documents folder, I rediscovered the first half of chapter 1 of this story.

Of course, the story was REALLY different back then. Originally it was more directly inspired by TheWholockedBrony's awesome "Adventures in Time", with each of the DBZA characters basically swapped out for their pony OC. I had been going along with this for a while and realized that, though it worked great for Doctor Who (seriously, heed my shameless plug and go read it!), it didn't work particularly well for an internet comedy series, and I decided something had to change. Ultimately I decided to replace the DBZA characters, not with OCs, but with MLP characters who best fit their personalities. Thus Krillin, who is mostly there for comic relief and moral support, became Spike, and Vegeta, who is so confident in his own badassery that he frequently bites off more than he can chew, became Rainbow Dash. I'll try my best to iron out what plot holes I can (such as how Rainbow Dash and Fleur have a foal in Season 3), and my ultimate goal is to keep the story as consistent with DBZA as possible.

But now I've rambled on long enough! Let's get to the action!

Everyone was still in shock. First Twilight was killed, and now Fluttershy had been kidnapped by Lyra. Spike slowly reached down to pick up Fluttershy's red hat, complete with the four-star Ponyball, which had fallen off during the battle. Twilight's friends stood somberly around her body; Shining Armor's corpse lay off a short distance, the scouter still making the occasional beep.

"Well," said Granny Smith, who had been selected by the group to give Twilight's impromptu eulogy, "Twilight Sparkle has passed. But her sacrifice has stopped a great evil. Thanks to her, our lives can return to peace once more-"

At that moment, Granny Smith was cut off by a high-pitched voice. After a moment of confusion, they realized from the tinny quality and the direction that it was being broadcast through Shining Armor's scouter. It seemed to be the voice of an excited mare.

"Shining?" the voice called, apparently expecting an answer. "Shiiiining?"

"What the hay is that?" asked Granny Smith in surprise.

"Guywho'sasstrongasaSaibapony says what?" There was a moment of silence. "That usually gets to him. I think he's dead, Rainbow Dash!"

"Big shocker; nopony cares!" snapped another voice; this one was also a mare's, but it was more scratchy and cruel than the first voice. "We're ten times stronger than him anyway! We'll go to Gaia, find the Ponyballs, and kill everypony! And we'll be there within a year or so... depending on filler, of course."

"Anything else we need to go over, Rainbow Dash?" asked the first voice.

"Nope, that's about it," said the second. And with that, the scouter went dead.

There was total silence as the group contemplated the news that even more powerful opponents were now on the way.

Granny Smith was the one who broke the silence, neatly wrapping up how everypony present felt.

"Well," she said, "buck!"

(Cue the theme song!)

Meanwhile, in the nearest available wasteland, Lyra had set up camp. Since she was an alien lifeform who subsisted almost entirely on water, this more or less meant putting down Fluttershy and locating a nearby soft patch of ground on which to sleep. Fluttershy was now seated in the water, looking confused and scared.

"Alright, you little pony...Saiyan...thing," said Lyra. "I saw what you did to that Saiyan back there. That kind of power can be useful."

"Wha- what do you mean?" stammered the filly.

"I'm going to make you my pupil," said Lyra firmly. "And then...I'll use YOU for my conquest to take over the world!"

"But...but where's my daddy?" asked Fluttershy, looking around as if Twilight was merely hiding behind a rock.

"Hate to tell you, kid, but your dad's dead," snapped Lyra. Then she considered this statement. "Actually, I kind of like saying that. HA-HA, YOUR DAD'S DEAD!"

She stopped as she realized that Fluttershy was now sobbing inconsolably.

"Ah, dammit," she muttered. "This is why I hang out in wastelands."

Meanwhile, in the afterlife...

The afterlife wasn't what most ponies thought it was... actually, it's exactly what most ponies thought it was. It was so predictable as to be cliché. A long road led through a line of clouds into a large Japanese-looking building; along the road was a long line of recently-departed souls. As the line moved forward, each soul would come before the divine judge, who would determine what fate that pony had earned in life.

"Hello," said a nearby death spirit (basically a blue pony with two curved horns instead of one straight one), "and welcome to the Heavenly Check-In Station! Please no cutting in line; if you are caught cutting in line, you will be sent straight to Tartarus."

Normally the line moved swiftly; the divine judge, Mayor Mare, had the ability to instantly assess the quality of a departed soul and whether or not it deserved eternal paradise. However, in this case the line was being held up. Inside the building, the aging goddess Cadance was making a case that Twilight should be given exemption from the usual judging process so she could train for the upcoming threat that she had somehow heard about.

"And so," said Cadance, "we need Twilight here to get to Queen Luna's for her masterful training, Mayor Mare!"

"Give me one good reason allow this," said the judge coldly. She looked more or less like a normal earth pony- with a light brown coat, gray mane and tail, and a cutie mark of a divine scroll- except that she was about thirty feet tall and wore a Viking helmet. She was currently in her usual position: seated behind a proportionally massive desk looking down at those before her.

"Because if you don't," warned Cadance, who had prepared this argument in advance, "that line is going to increase by SIX BILLION!"

"Six billion?!" scoffed Mayor Mare. "I'm supposed to be intimidated by six billion?! Please! I can judge six billion souls faster than you take a piss, old mare!"

"You know," said Cadance testily, "I am the Guardian of Gaia. Can I please get a LITTLE bit more respect here?!"

"Big deal!" exclaimed the judge. "I'm the closest thing to a god in this show! Until you get to the Queens," she added quickly. "Then I'll be hoooorribly insignificant. I do have a desk, though! It's made of mahogany!" She fixed the mares with a smug stare. "Mahogany."

"Uh..." said Cadance unsurely. "Anyway, can we please..."

"SILENCE!" the Divine Mayor roared, causing both Twilight and Cadance to leap backwards. There was an awkward pause.

"Mahogany."

"Um...ma'am?" asked Cadance nervously.

"What?" asked Mayor Mare, as if coming out of a trance. "Oh, uh, sure, whatever. She can go to Queen Luna's. But," she added dramatically, "she'll have to run on SNAAAKE WAAAAAAY!" An automatic system played a dramatic tone at these words.

"Sounds fun!" exclaimed Twilight.

"Prepare to be surprised," said Mayor Mare smugly.

"Alright, I'm off!" said Twilight brightly, running off to follow the signs leading to Snake Way. "Oh, wait, by the way," she added, "did you see a stallion named Shining Armor come through here? He has a blue mane and two tails..."

Mayor Mare leafed through the book on her desk for a moment. "Oh yeah, I remember that guy!" she exclaimed. "I put him in my patented MARELOCK!"

"And that worked?" asked Twilight in surprise.

"Buck no!" exclaimed the judge. "He kicked me in the crotch and ran away! Now I don't know where he is!"

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Shining Armor was telling the story from the other perspective.

"She didn't keep her eye on the birdie!" he said with a grin, a golden halo bobbing above his head.

"...huh," said Twilight quietly. "Okay...well, bye!" She turned and ran off, following the signs.

"See you next time you die," commented Mayor Mare. He turned to look at Cadance, who had been standing still this whole time.

"Maaaahogany," she said simply.

"So, Spike, how did Tavi take the news?" asked Granny Smith.

Granny, Spike, and Fleur were all seated on chairs inside of Cadenza House. It was the day following the death of Twilight; Granny was inquiring as to how the now-deceased mare's wife, Octavia, had taken the news of her death.

"Um..." said Spike awkwardly.

The previous afternoon...

"Well, Spike, what did you need to talk about?" asked Octavia. She was facing Spike across the table; to Spike's left was Twilight's empty seat, and to the right was a huge seat taken up by Octavia's father, Iron Will the Bull King. Spike really, REALLY wished he hadn't drawn the short straw.

"So, Tavi," said Spike nervously. "Hypothetically, what would you do if you were told that your wife was dead, and your daughter were kidnapped by her worst enemy?"

"I'd castrate the messenger in his sleep with a rusty carving knife," said Octavia brightly.

The silence across the table was one of the most intense Spike could remember.

"Oh," he said finally. "Then it's a good thing I'm not telling you that!"

The three laughed over this for a minute.

"Would you like to spend the night?" asked Tavi suddenly.

"...against my better judgment," said Spike.

Later that night...

Iron Will was snoring. Spike, who hadn't been able or willing to sleep, slowly crawled out of his bed, dressed in his lightweight orange robe, grabbed his bag, and slowly began to creep out of the room. He was stopped in his tracks, however, by the unmistakable sound of a knife being sharpened.

"Spiiiiike!" called Tavi in a singsong voice. "Where aaaaare yooooou?"

For the next twelve hours, a carriage puller I was too lazy to name was irritated to his wit's end by the sound of Spike screaming his head off in the back seat.

"...relatively well," said Spike finally.

"So," said Fleur, "are you going to gather the other Z Warriors and go train with Cadance?"

"The who warriors?!" exclaimed Spike.

"The Z Warriors!" said Fleur brightly, and Spike noted that a scouter had suddenly appeared out of nowhere over her eye. "You, Twilight, Applejack, Flash Sentry, Sweetie Belle... that's what we always call you guys!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever..." began Spike.

"SPIKE!" screamed Octavia's distant voice. "WHERE THE HAY ARE YOU?!"

Spike sprinted outside, followed by Fleur and Granny Smith, to see that Tavi was riding a pegasus-pulled chariot toward the island at incredibly high-speed.

"Well, I'm off to gather the Z Warriors; bye!" shouted Spike. And with that, he began flying away as fast as he could.

The Meteor Wastes, around the same time...

"Listen up, runt!" snapped Lyra. "Today we're going to begin your intense training under me!"

"But wait!" protested Fluttershy. "Wouldn't that cause horrible muscle degeneration for somepony my age, crippling me for years to come?"

Lyra stared at the filly for a moment. "You're a wordy little bastard, aren't you?" she asked finally.

"My mom wants me to be come an orthodon-" began Fluttershy.

"NEEEEEEERD!" snapped Lyra.

"W...what?" asked Fluttershy in confusion.

"Anyway," said Lyra, once again using her indoor voice (though they were currently outdoors), "I figured to unleash your hidden potential, I'd have to put you in immense physical danger. So I'm going to throw you at that mountain."

Fluttershy looked in the direction Lyra had pointed and examined the mountain in question. "Actually," she corrected, "that look more like a plateAAUUUU!" This last extension of the sentence was a result of Lyra seizing Fluttershy with her mechanical hands and tossing her with all her might. The helpless filly was now hurtling towards the massive formation, apparently having forgotten that she had wings.

Any second now... thought Lyra eagerly.

Fluttershy continued screaming as the mountain and/or plateau loomed even larger.

Here it comes... Lyra thought.

The mountain was really getting quite large for the filly now.

And... thought Lyra.

What happened next was surprising to no one except Lyra: Fluttershy slammed into the wall of rock face-first rather hard, fell to the ground, and started sobbing.

Lyra cringed at the impact, sighed, and began to walk slowly toward the filly. This is going to be a looooooooong training session, she thought with resignation.

"Alright, Miss Mare-do-well!" said the death spirit. "Here you are at Snake Way! Now you might want to pack a lunch, cause it's gonna be a long gallop! Nah, I'm just jokin'; you're not gonna be eatin' none!"

"Wow!" exclaimed Twilight, gazing in wonder down the long winding road leading through the clouds into the distance, carved on the back of a mammoth stone statue of a snake. "That looks like it's gonna take me a while!"

"Now be careful running," said the death spirit. "You don't want to fall of and die!" He winked playfully. "That's just a little bit of dead humor," he added. "But seriously, do not fall off or you will go to Tartarus."

"Has anypony ever run the whole thing before?" asked Twilight curiously.

"Well, there was one mare," recalled the death spirit.

"Well, who was she?"

"I believe her name was..."

Meanwhile, on Cadance's lookout...

"Miss Pinkamena!" called Cadance.

"Yes, Cadance?" answered the pink mare, brushing her long straight mane out of her eyes.

"I just received word that we have a new batch of trainees coming. Make sure you take good care of them!"

Pinkamena just stared at Cadance. Even the goddess was creeped out by the mare. Perhaps it was her cutie mark of three popped balloons. Or perhaps it was that sinister smile she always wore. But Cadance personally thought it was the eyes. They never seemed focused on exactly the same thing: one would look at you, but the other seemed to peer farther, as if glaring into your very soul.

And then Pinkamena started to laugh.

Earlier that day...

"And not just any mahogany," declared Mayor Mare, "but mahogany from the planet of Malchior 7, where the trees are 300 feet tall and breathe FIRE! From these trees this desk was forged 2,000 years ago, using ancient blood rituals of the Malchior people! And not only does this make my desk nigh indestructible, but it can bend the fabric of the universe itself!"

The giant mare paused. "Also," she added, "it's a very fine material. Very expensive."

"Ooookaaaaay..." said Cadance.

"Mahogany."

A/N: Yes, Pinkie Pie and Pinkamena are two different characters. Deal with it. (I originally wanted Mr. Popo to be Fluffle Puff, because my best friend is incredibly disturbed by her design, but then I realized most people find her too cute for that.)