"Well you showed up!" Liam muttered as I sat down.

"I asked you here?! You're being a dick and you don't even know what I'm gonna say, Liam!" I retorted and he shrugged. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry that I hid that from you. The reason I hid it was because I didn't think that you would understand but in hindsight, it was a shitty idea!"

"It was a shitty idea. I would've understood if you told me that they told you to do it!"

"No you wouldn't, you would've said "We'll you ain't gonna get back in the army so what's the point" or something."

"You underestimate me but I guess. You have to admit, it's a pretty shit excuse though!"

"I know…" I mumbled and stared at the floor.

"Oh fuck! There's more, isn't there…Let me guess, the idea of having my child repulsed you so much that you had your ovaries removed?"

"It's not always about you Liam. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. It's not your child I don't want, it's any child…I can't…I just can't…"

"You can't? What the fuck does that mean, Pippa?"

"I can't tell you…I want to but I can't…I don't have the words to make you understand…" My voice quivered as I thought back to that horrible day.

"Pippa...What happened?" He sounded worried, I shook my head and fought back the shaking that was creeping over me. "Pippa? Tell me what happened! As best you can and I will try my hardest to understand…" He moved his chair and put his hand on mine.

"You promise you won't get pissed off?" I asked and he nodded. "Remember on our third tour when I got ill at Bastion? Throwing up all the time. "

"Shit…" He sighed suddenly realising. "What the fuck did you do?"

"Nothing at first. I had no idea. Then when I started getting sick, Charles told me to go to see Jackie because we were friends and I thought she could give me something to stop it, you know like anti-sickness if it was like to do with the heat change. Anyway, she did some tests and she said 'Well you're pregnant, what the fuck are you gonna do?' and I told her I didn't know but not to say anything. Because if they found out it would be game over and I'd be sent home. I swore Charles to secrecy too."

"Wait your fucking brother knew about this? And you didn't tell me?"

"When would have been appropriate to tell you? Tell me? When we were on patrol? When you were dick-waving at the ANA? When you were yelling at me because Geraint was hitting on me?"

"You found time to talk to your brother!"

"He was there when I found out and well, I spent 9 hours a day in his tent, as the Lieutenant and as his sister!"

"And he told you to get rid of it?"

"No! You underestimate him. He said to tell you but there was never a good moment, so I didn't. And then…well then it was too late."

"What do you mean by too late? You mean…you…?" Liam's voice quivered as he realised what I was about to tell him.

"Yes…I had a miscarriage. Jackie said that sometimes these things just happen and we can't control them. I also know from the medical training that I had that stuff like that can happen from stress and strain." I said as tears rolled down his cheeks.

"You should've gone home! There are reasons why you're not supposed to stay in if you're pregnant!"

"I doubt it was that, Liam! Afghan is a second home to me as you well know! And we were at Bastion! Nothing happens!"

"Shit! Me and Geraint?"

"I'm not pointing fingers, but that was more stressful than being in Afghan!"

"Oh my God!" He covered his face with his hands and wiped the tears from his eyes. "When?"

"Two weeks before we left Bastion."

"And you never told me because?"

"What would that have achieved? Honestly?"

"How can you sit there like it's nothing?"

"Ask Charles or Jackie. I was shaken up enough that night to last a lifetime."

"You were upset? So you wanted the baby?" He seemed almost pleased.

"You don't understand. It was an emotional cocktail! I felt sad because you always do, I was in pain, I felt guilty 'cause I'd kind of wished it. God, if Charlie hadn't of been there then God knows what would've happened."

"You wished it?"

"It seemed like an easy way out! I didn't have to tell them that it had been overlooked in my medical to go out to Afghan and I didn't have to do anything myself! Obviously I changed my mind pretty quickly but it had crossed my mind! Don't fucking take the moral high ground because you have no idea!"

"I would if you'd told me!"

"I didn't want you to know because I thought you'd be disappointed in me! I thought you'd have blamed me! I was kind of relieved after I'd calmed down but you'd never have seen it like that."

"So why are you telling me now?"

"Because the thought of getting pregnant again turns my stomach. It brings it all back. I can't do it!" I blurted out and he sat back in his chair still reeling from my revelation. He ran his hand over his head and sighed. I wanted him to understand but I knew he never would. Charles was right, telling him would make it worse.

"Why didn't you say all this when I mentioned it?"

"Because it's killed me to tell you now! I only told you because it's the only way that I can think of to try and save us! It might break us but it's the only think that can possibly fix this mess that I've made!"

"Shit, Pippa! I've been going on at you all this time and you've felt like that for two years! That's why you've been so off the subject, that's why you were so cold about it at our wedding! Now it all makes sense! I thought you were just scared that you would be a bad mother because of the army and stuff! How did I completely miss it?"

"I bounced back within a few days. Charlie and Jack had to cover it all up and pretend I had a bug but it worked and within a few days I had made an act. No one knew. Well nearly no one."

"You mean Jackie and Charles?"

"And…and…yeah Jackie and Charles."

"Who else? You said no more omissions!"

"Geraint." I whispered and his eyes widened. He looked at me as if I was crazy, shaking his head and almost backing away.

"G…G…Geraint?" He fumbled over his words.

"I was trying to get him to back off and it just came out. I didn't want to tell him and God! God, do I wish I hadn't! Maybe he'd still be alive! He was so lovely to me though! He was such a gent! I should've seen beyond that though! I should've realised that he was fragged inside!"

"Geraint Smith knew about this and I didn't?"

"Not purposefully!"

"Did you love him?"

"No!"

"Did you love him?"

"No!"

"Did you love him?"

"No, I didn't love him! He was a good friend but I didn't love him like that!"

"Why him?"

"Because I was trying to get him to back off!"

"No, why did you kiss him?"

"Why did you fuck Kara Thomas?"

"To piss you off but why him? Why not any of the other boys?"

"Because he was there and he kissed me first! I only kissed him back 'cause you were there!"

"So there was nothing between you?"

"Nothing! I'm shit at feelings! How could I have had feelings for two people at once!?"

"Because I don't know if I believe everything that comes out of your mouth!"

"Un-fucking-believable! What I did today was really hard but you won't lay off the fuckmuppetry and accusations!"

"I can't get over the fact that you told Geraint and not me! Was it Geraint's baby? Was that it?"

"You really think that low of me? You know full well that I met Geraint at Brize Norton the day that tour went out! I was already pregnant then…by you."

"How can I know that?"

"Look, if I didn't love you, why would I have stayed this long? Why would I have married you? You have treated me like shit so many times but I've never walked away, my parents hate you and they've wanted us to get divorced for the past year but I stayed with you! What does that tell you?" I kept my voice low but my tone forceful. Realising his mistake, my guilty-looking husband was speechless. "I'm going to leave now. You need to think about whether you want to forgive me for the cock-ups that I've made and move on or whether you want to walk away. If you want to fight for this, you ring me tomorrow and you apologise for speaking to me like shit this time and all the times before and we'll make a go of it. If not, call my solicitor, Charles or my dad will give you the number, I'm not sure of her name." I got up and left him sitting there. I couldn't go back to my parents' house but I didn't want to go back there. I got in the car and just drove, I didn't even think about where!

An hour later, without realising it, I had driven to Newport. I parked up on Church Lane and wandered into the graveyard. Geraint had been such a good friend to me in Afghan and I still felt such guilt over his death. The way he had comforted me when I poured my heart out the night before he died was beyond the call of a comrade. It was the act of a true friend. He put all of his feelings for me aside and gave me what I needed most, a mate. I could never repay that and I would never forgive myself. I approached his grave and saw Candy and Smurf stood by it, Candy spotted me and signalled for me to come over. I walked over slowly, still in my dress from the night before, my hair and make-up all over the place and she put her arm around my waist.

"Thank you for coming, love." She whispered. "He would appreciate it."

"I miss him." I said and she nodded.

"We all do." Smurf agreed and took my hand.