as always I own nothing, including this title which was taken from the Sylvia Plath poem

Kei took a shuddering breath as Yamaguchi's lips ghosted over his chest.

This was one of those rare occasions where Kei's dick was actually half hard, and he and Yamaguchi were going to take full advantage of it.

His boyfriend didn't waste time, kissing quickly down the blonds chest, nuzzling his inner thighs for a moment before taking the head of his cock into his mouth. Kei let out a small gasp, all his focus remaining on keeping himself hard. But even now he could feel it slipping away. He wanted to cry out in frustration, maybe punch a pillow or two.

His psychiatrist had told him it was probably a side effect of both his depression and the anti-depressant drugs he had to force down each day. That some people found it hard to, well, get hard. Lack of interest in sex or something. The old geezer even offered him fucking tablets for it like he was eighty years old. He had not-so-kindly declined.

It couldn't have been easy on Yamaguchi, and Kei knew it wasn't. They used to go at it like rabbits at any available moment before all this happened. He could see the slight frustration in his features sometimes, even now as his boyfriend mouthed away at his unresponsive cock, but it was never directed at Kei. Yamaguchi blamed himself for not being able to get Kei in the mood. He even voiced this once, begging the taller boy to tell him what to do and wondering if he didn't find Yamaguchi attractive anymore.

Kei placed a hand on the top of Yamaguchi's head as it bobbed up and down in a futile attempt to make his boyfriend stand to attention. "Yamaguchi..."

He didn't look at him and he didn't stop. If anything he moved faster, lapping at the underside and taking Kei all the way in until he was nudging the back of his throat.

"Yamaguchi, stop."

The brunet slapped Kei's hands away as they went to push him off, sucking hard in a way that would have made anyone else hard and come in the space of ten seconds. For Kei it was just vaguely uncomfortable.

"Tadashi, please!" Kei growled, much louder now, grabbing Yamaguchi's chin and pulling him off his dick. The offending body part flopped uselessly against his thigh.

"Ts-tsukki—I—" Yamaguchi was crying. Kei couldn't tell while he had his face in his lap but now he could clearly see the tracks they made down his freckled cheeks.

"Shut up and c'mere." Kei huffed, pulling his mess of a boyfriend up to lie beside him. He wiped at Yamaguchi's face with his thumbs while he kissed his lips with all he had, doing whatever he could to apologise for the crappy almost-sex. Yamaguchi clung to him, curling his hands over Kei's shoulders and throwing a leg over his hip. He deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue past the smaller boy's lips and angling his head for easier access as he explored his mouth.

Kei wasn't great with words or feelings. In fact the two concepts would probably never exist together comfortably for him. But however fucked up his brain or how exhausted his body was, he knew that whatever was left of his messed up heart loved this handful in his arms. He loved Yamaguchi in a way that no words of any language could describe, and he couldn't possibly construct a sentence that explained how overwhelmingly happy he was that the smaller freckled-faced boy had been one of the few constants in his life, ever since they were little. He didn't understand why he deserved all that love back, but that's what he got from Yamaguchi and he couldn't bring himself to do more than question and accept it. While Kei couldn't always express himself verbally, he sometimes found himself compensating in other ways.

"Thankyou." He murmured as Yamaguchi's tears subsided, lips swollen and red from Kei's deep kisses. "And I'm sorry."

"No, Tsukki. It's fine, I'm just being stupid."

Kei hummed, tucking a few wayward strands of dark hair behind his boyfriend's ear. "I could stop taking the drugs for a few days you know."

"Huh?"

"The drugs, if I didn't take them it would probably help. Doctor said—"

"No!" Yamaguchi interrupted, fully alert now and staring at Kei in disbelief. "Definitely not."

Kei watched as Yamaguchi's fingers fell to his bare thigh, brushing over the long, pink scars that were littered over his skin. He sighed, pulling Yamaguchi's hand away and threading their fingers together. He kissed each knuckle, "I'd be fine—"

"I said no, Kei."

The firm authority in Yamaguchi's voice surprised him. He rarely spoke with anything more than fond exasperation when he was around Kei, and said almost nothing anywhere else, so this was new. He observed the smaller boy with raised eyebrows.

"Your doctor already changed the drug to see if it would make any difference. And it did, it's getting better we just have to keep trying." His voice was substantially smaller and he seemed to look everywhere but at Kei.

Kei grinned, "You'll still love me even if I can't fuck you?" It had the desired effect, Yamaguchi's cheeks flushing deep red.

"Tsuukkiiii." he whined, pushing at Kei's chest weakly. He huffed in defeat when he was only held tighter. "Of course I would, you big dummy."

Kei made a noise not unlike how he thought a disgruntled cat would sound. "Look at me." When Yamaguchi looked away stubbornly Kei rolled on top of him, pinning his arms down into the mattress. "Tadashi~"

Dark brown eyes flicked to his and Kei would have applauded his own victory if those same eyes weren't glaring holes into his face. Kei swooped down to nip at his lips, caressing Yamaguchi's mouth until he finally responded, pressing up into Kei in a way that would most likely leave a bruise. He probably deserved that. Yamaguchi was rough, forcing his way around Kei's mouth. He took the blonds bottom lip between his teeth, biting hard enough to break skin. The bitter, metallic tang of blood assaulted Kei's senses before Yamaguchi was there, lapping up all the red and soothing the cut with his tongue until Kei was no longer bleeding. It smarted like a bitch and it was also kind of gross, but an alarmingly big part of him found it hot as hell.

Yamaguchi flopped back into the pillows, breathing hard, hooded eyes far from glaring now. He looked so good like this, carefree and lax beneath Kei. How did he ever get so lucky as to stumble across this boy and have him choose to stay? Kei didn't know what kind of higher power dictated the universe, but he sent a mental thanks to whoever it might be for bringing Yamaguchi to him.

"I..." Kei stuttered. Could he? Did he even know how? No, he wouldn't let himself think about it too much. "I love you."

Pure shock graced Yamaguchi's features as he searched his boyfriends face for the joke. Kei didn't really know what his face was doing per se, but it must have been neutral enough because Yamaguchi smiled. It was absolutely beautiful.

"I love you too, Kei."

It took a moment to process that yes, he said it back before the blond boy flashed one of his rare smiles, burying his face in Yamaguchi's neck to hide the blush creeping up his cheeks. Yamaguchi laughed lightly, wrapping his arms around Kei's shoulders and squeezing tight.

Rolling back onto his side and pulling Yamaguchi with him, Kei mentally filed away this moment. Without expectations or responsibilities or anything else in the world, just the pair of them, whispered promises ringing in the air. Later, Kei would replay it over and over in his mind when he needed it most; to remind himself that he was loved and capable of loving.