Sky Ball

XIII. Friends Again

Tip: Shojo manga is a fucking lie.

In girls' manga, they try to spice up relationships by smattering them with pink blushes and magical bubbles and glowing undertones. In anime, you'll be aesthetically pleased by the pastel tones and glittering backgrounds; shy eyes, nervous smiles.

But the huge revelation of 'oh, he likes me too!' is much more complicated in real life. Sometimes, it can't just be smoothed over by saying "I'm sure it'll work out eventually".

Or maybe I'm the strange one, since that isn't how I operate.

If there is one thing that shojo manga hits right on the nail, it's the scene where the girl stays up past 2 a.m. staring at her beige ceiling fan go around and around and wonders what to do while occasionally slamming the pillow against her face.

Because that's what I found myself doing, frankly.

It was an endless cycle of think, question, think, question. There was no answer.

It was my third day of being stuck in the paradox when I received a phone call at five o'clock. The caller ID said Kenma, and I initially thought that was who it was, but it was too rare for him to call—he'd prefer messaging me on any platform instead. He probably would prefer digging MySpace out of its grave and messaging me on that above calling me.

That worried me a little, as I half expected a camouflaged voice to come through the speakers and say, "We have your friend Kozume Kenma. Deliver us the ransom money, and we can ensure no harm will come to him."

Hesitantly, I hit the green 'Accept Call' button and asked, "Hello?"

"So you message Kenma almost daily, but only reply to me when I text you?" A voice barked on the other side. It didn't sound pouty or legitimately mad, but a playful kind of anger.

"Oh, it's just you, Kuroo." I answered, half to continue the banter and half from relief that the Yakuza was not involved in my correspondence with Kenma. "Why're you calling?"

"Kenma's in the bathroom and left me with his stuff. I saw his phone."

The rest was self-explanatory.

"So you decided to call me. You worried me for a bit, you know. I thought someone had kidnapped Kenma, or something."

Kuroo laughed in an epiphany. "Oh! That sounds like a great way to prank Lev before Kenma comes back!"

"Wait, no—" I was about to protest, but I was interrupted by Kuroo yet again.

"Before I call him, though, is something up?"

Sometimes, that was what scared me most about Kuroo. Sometimes I'd sound perfectly normal, and I'd even think myself that I was normal—I wasn't really thinking about the issue with Nishinoya when he called, and easily got swept up in his repartee—and yet he was still able to discern it.

I could've held back the info. He didn't deserve to be troubled with it just yet. I decided that I'd only come to him in a last-case scenario, and at the very least could postpone my decision. "I'll tell you about it later, maybe."

And through a mutual, split-second understanding, he replied, "Alright."

"Anyways, since I can't stop you, have fun pranking your poor kohai."

I could practically see Kuroo's shit-eating grin from the other side. "I am a wonderful senpai, by the way—oh hey Kenma, I can explain…" and the line went dead.

If I had to sum up the following week in one word, it would've been awkward.

My way of handling with my feelings towards Nishinoya was probably one of the worst alternatives I could think of. I didn't.

That being said, I knew that I couldn't just freely skip volleyball practices, so I still saw him there. But each time he attempted to initiate conversation, I'd give terse responses like, "Yeah", "Really?", and "Sure".

So I was being a little petty again.

It wasn't like my life was centered around Nishinoya, either. It wasn't as though I needed to interact with him in my day-to-day life, but life without him seemed oddly…

Quiet.

The people I did talk to that were 'friends' shared by Nishinoya were people like Shimizu, Yachi, and Tsukishima. Although Yachi was talkative at times, she was like me, in a sense—tentative, anxious, and always assuming the worst-case scenario. I liked her.

The one aftereffect of distancing myself from Nishinoya I hadn't expected came in the form of a hyperactive orange-haired junior after practice.

It had been mostly silent. I was out late to avoid any interception with Nishinoya on his path home (which was when I really began to contemplate the ridiculousness of it all, Jesus) and the only other person helping with clean-up was Hinata, since even Kageyama had gone home.

"Hey, um… Aozora-senpai?" He spoke up.

"No need for the -senpai." I replied immediately, hoping to relieve some of the tension in the room.

Contrary to expectations, it seemed to set him on edge even further, as he spoke even more hesitantly than the first, "Th-then Aozora-san…"

"Don't be scared, I won't bite." I gave a sweet smile, and his rigid shoulders relaxed. "Did you want to ask me something?"

"Ah… yeah… did you and Noya-san have a fight?"

That was strange. I looked at him skeptically—there was no way that he would figure that out on his own. Maybe he asked someone, or Nishinoya was going around telling people. "Pardon?"

"Ah, well! It's just that… me and Kageyama get into fights all the time, and you kinda helped us that last time…"

I furrowed my eyebrows until I realized what he was talking about. My eyes flashed in revelation; that one time at the gym during training camp, when he and Kageyama were going at it, fist-to-fist. I could probably trace it back to his cautiousness towards me. It made sense.

It was still kind of embarrassing to think about. "Ah, right… sorry about that…"

Hinata sighed. "Ah, no! Thinking back on it, you were kind of right, and it was kind of stupid. It's just that Noya-san hasn't been playing too good the past few days—oh, but not badly! He's still a really good libero! It's just… he seemed kind of distracted, and he hasn't hung out with you for a while…"

That scared me even more. I didn't want anyone's happiness to be dependent on me. I wasn't a shining beam of happiness, and I didn't want to be reliant on anyone when I was down. The fact that I could contribute to Nishinoya's unhappiness in such a way was even more off-putting.

"I wouldn't call it a fight." I said, because it wasn't. "It's just a little… weird."

"Really? How?" Hinata asked, tilting his head cautiously with a squishy kind of adorableness about him. Unfortunately, I was already aware of Hinata's secret charm, and was not about to confide to him.

Maybe that was what I needed. To confide in someone.

"Hinata-san, you don't happen to like anyone, do you?" I asked, deadpanned.

"What? Of course I do!" He exclaimed, and held out his hand to begin counting. "I like Daichi-san, Sugawara-san, Noya-san, Tanaka-san… Kageyama's a jerk, but I don't mind him sometimes… oh! Wait, d-did you mean like like?!" His face lit up suddenly at the revelation. "No! I don't!"

He was so innocent, it was almost adorable. "You have no experience with that kind of thing?"

"Wh-no! I mean… I mean, there are girls who I think are pretty, and I thought were pretty…"

Although slight disappointment came across upon learning that he and Kageyama were not a thing and would never be, I nodded in understanding.

"Wait, is this… is this about a like-like thing between you and Nishinoya-san? Are you dating? I thought he liked Shimizu-senpai."

I sighed, silently thinking, yeah, I thought so too. "We're not dating! And no, it's not a like-like thing, so don't worry about it."

"I see…" Hinata said. "Well, I hope you two make up soon! Or… something."

He finished putting the final volleyball into the bin, tracing his hands over his own practice volleyball. He waved before leaving, and left me alone in the grand gymnasium. I walked over to my own bag and double-checked the storage room to see if anyone had left anything, and then locked up.

Although Hinata couldn't help me without experience, there was one person I knew who I knew was probably equipped enough to help out.

I called Kuroo at eight o'clock, as a last-minute decision. Since he was in his senior year, I figured he wasn't too accustomed to 'sleeping early'—especially with the late hours I'd heard Nekoma's room up until during training camp.

My theory was proven correct as my phone speakers rung in a voice much deeper than my own, "'Ello?"

I wasn't sure how to introduce what I wanted to say, or how to flit around the topic and eventually get the information needed. If I'd given it more thought, I could've probably come up with some manipulative way to skirt around and divert Kuroo's attention so that he'd never be truly able to discern my intentions…

But frankly, after two weeks of ignoring Nishinoya, I was getting a little tired of keeping secrets, so I went straight to get his opinion.

"Kuroo-san, do you like anyone." I only realized it sounded more like a statement than a question after I spoke, so I quickly corrected my impudence. "Oh, but I'm asking for personal use. And if it makes you too uncomfortable, like if you have a traumatic experience with it, then you don't really have to tell me, but I would like to know."

There was a brief pause, followed by a confused "Hah?" on the other end of the call.

I bit my bottom lip. I knew that I probably couldn't/shouldn't/wouldn't manipulate Kuroo, and so my greater sense of justice prevailed. "I'm asking if you—"

I was interrupted by laughter. "Sorry, sorry. You just sounded so formal, it was kind of funny. Even though you can be slick as hell when you want to get along with people, you sure do suck in casual conversation sometimes."

I swallowed down my slightly wounded pride and continued. "So, do you?"

I waited for a moment as he seemed to contemplate my question. It was silent other than the sound of the wind in the background of his call, and then he took a sharp intake of breath and said, "No."

"Really?" I asked. His pause enticed my skepticism.

"Yeah, no. I don't like anyone." His response was expected.

People gravitate towards gossip, and I was no exception. Of course, I couldn't help but joke around a little as a prevailing sense of revenge triumphed and I smirked. In a tone that paralleled Kuroo's sarcasm, I asked, "Are you suuuure?"

Kuroo sighed on the other end of the line. "Oh, shut it. But in your case, you must've wanted to talk about something. I can't believe you'd call me purely out of the goodness of your heart, too; you didn't want to send a message, so you don't want anything screenshot, right? What's up?"

Mildly impressed by his analysis of the situation, I briefly corrected him by saying, "Firstly, I would call you," which earned me a chuckle on the other end, "and secondly, I don't know if you'll even be of much help anymore, if you don't like anyone."

"So it's about Nishinoya." He guessed immediately. Normally I'd be stung with embarrassment, but maybe it was because I was used to it from him or something, because I didn't feel any sort of shame.

"Yeah. He kind of indirectly told me about…" I paused to rack my brain for the right word. "His feelings towards me."

"So what's the problem?" Kuroo asked, and I could almost hear his laugh from the other side. "You like him, he likes you—it's a match made in heaven, with nothing unrequited in between anymore."

"That's the problem." I stressed. "I don't know if I like him. Sure, I could say I like him, but what does that even mean? What do I like about him? His undying energy, his seriousness in tough situations, his open-heartedness? What if those are things I end up hating over time? His undying energy could turn into annoying unnecessary hot-bloodedness, his seriousness could turn into over exaggerations or temperamental mood swings, and his open-heartedness could be loud-mouthed honesty. Plus, I don't know how long he's liked me. What if he only wanted to know me to get with me? I doubt he's that type of person, but maybe I'm naïve, or deluded by love. And maybe things will change, and I don't want them to. I'm fine with what I have now. So does that mean I don't like him? What if love starts to take over my working habits? I've never had a boyfriend before but I'd need to make everyone proud and be loyal and not time-consumed."

I heard Kuroo take a breath on the other side for me, but I continued.

"And what does 'love' mean, anyways? Trusting someone so much that you'd tell them everything? Aren't there some things that just need to be kept to oneself? That's just respecting one's privacy, which is also a love thing, so it's a contradiction. To be forgiving of another's mistakes? What if they're really an ass? Excuse my language, by the way. What if they change entirely from the person you fell in love with? Is that still love? Is it just repopulation? Then what's the difference between sexual and romantic attraction? And what if you two just aren't made for each other? Maybe Nishinoya deserves someone emotionally better than me—more decisive over emotions, stronger, secure, loud. Someone more like him. But then I'm stuck in this endless loop of 'oh, he's too good for me' and 'oh, I'm too good for him'. Do you see the issue? And I haven't even gotten into futures, really—what if my grades have to carry us? He doesn't particularly have phenomenal school skills other than volleyball and his wonderful personality, so I'd have to run everything and I don't know if I'm ready for that responsibility or anything. Tell me, is love just something created to annoy people?"

At this point my heart was pumping and my heads shook a bit uncontrollably. Although I noticed it, I wasn't sure which feeling it was associated with. Maybe it was the nervousness of coming clean, or the passion of the rant, or the limbo I was stuck between: of hating confrontation and burdening people with my feelings and thoughts, and desperately wanting to tell someone.

Silence.

I was met with silence.

If someone were to write his response in a light novel, it would have been a page full of ellipses. The only thing that signified he was still there was the familiar sound of wind on the other end. Just when I was about to call out to him to make sure he was still well, I heard a sharp intake of breath before his voice reached my ears again.

"Shit, Aozora." He said bluntly, in a rather amazed tone of voice, "You're like the realest person I know."

After my rant, that was not the answer I expected or wanted, but it did leave me surprised. "What?"

"Well, I mean, it's not an uncommon feeling, but a bunch of people just jump into it anyways, usually." Kuroo replied through a laugh.

"I'm actually kind of surprised you got all of that. Usually it's incoherent." I said.

He snorted. "Whoa, what a surprise."

I almost laughed, but chose to sigh instead. "I've also kind of been avoiding him lately. I guess I just don't want to think about being pushed together or anything."

"Yeah, that's a pretty legit feeling. Still kinda bad to ghost him, though." Kuroo mentioned, sympathetic but firm. "Well, it's Nishinoya, so above anything else, he'd want you to just give him your answer."

"I guess…" I replied. Oddly, it felt more reassuring, which was what I wanted, but…

"Huh. It's kinda weird, though." Kuroo spoke. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you knew the answer all along, didn't you? You knew he'd want a reply. Why'd you still go to me?"

Kuroo was right—deep down, I knew Nishinoya would eventually settle with either result. Having his feelings accepted would make him estatic, and having his feelings rejected would be disappointing, but he would get used to it. I couldn't see him ditching me after being rejected. After all, he had half-committedly chased after Shimizu all these years, despite being rejected multiple times. So why did I go to him?

The real reason was that I wasn't sure about the repercussions of my actions. I was worried that I could be wrong and Nishinoya would stop talking to me. I needed to be sure that wouldn't happen, and Kuroo seemed like the best equipped to ask.

I chose the best option to reply to his question, and instead raised my voice to the cutest falsetto I could manage and said, "Maybe I wanted an excuse to call you?", even adding a little extra saccharine giggle at the end for comedy's sake.

"Oi," Kuroo said, undeterred but still joking as his monotone dictated, "screw you."

The first person to confront the other wasn't me, surprisingly. Or perhaps not surprisingly at all, depending on how you looked at it.

If he had wanted to talk to me about it sooner, he could have. In a sense, it may have been his consideration towards my feelings that had him hold it off for so long. Maybe he had wanted me to confront him instead, and talk to him when I was ready, but his patience seemed to wear thin.

It was absolutely unavoidable, since I was shutting my locker after school when I heard a gut-wrenching, startling, "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIII-SAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Coming from down the hall, increasing in decibels like a crescendo building up. When I turned, I could see Nishinoya dashing down the hall like a locomotive running on a thousand pounds of coal per second.

I stared incredulously as he stopped in front of me to regain his breath for a moment. He then whipped his head back, stared me straight in the eye, and I said, "Oh, good thing you're here. I need to—"

"I need to tell you something!" He exclaimed, but quieted after upon realizing what I had said. "Oh, actually, you go first."

"No, if you have something important to say, you should." I claimed.

He didn't seem up for much argument, and said, "I know you know, and it's fine!"

So he did know that I had been avoiding him because I knew he liked me. "Right, I wanted to talk about that, too."

Nishinoya waved it away for now, which wasn't something I was used to. Usually, he was aware of how soft-spoken I was, and toned himself down to match. The fact that he wouldn't allow it now was proof enough that what he had to say was important. "Tori-san, it's fine if you don't like me. In fact, I was just being stupid again by telling you what I felt—"

"I don't think it's stupid." I interrupted, and he paused.

I wasn't sure how to go about all of it.

I was told that you're not supposed to give a guy hope if it's just a 'maybe', since it can 'lead them on' or whatever. At the same time, I couldn't give him an honest, definite 'no', either, since I wasn't sure how I felt.

I had to make a decision. Right there, right then.

"I just… don't want a relationship right now, and… I really do love being friends with you."

"Yeah, me too." Nishinoya agreed, and the smile on his face was a new one—a tad melancholic, with furrowed eyebrows and one corner of his mouth turned up higher than the other—but accepting, none the less. "If nothing else, I was pretty honest. I wanna be friends with you, and I guess this'll prove it for ya, eh?"

That stung.

I wanted to tell him exactly what I meant; I didn't want him to blame himself, or think he wasn't enough. I wanted to sort out every single thing that had been bothering—and will bother both of us, but I couldn't.

I couldn't say anything in response. I wanted to hug him, or tell him, or anything, but I looked away instead.

Silence bloomed for a second, breaking past our sighs. After a few moments, I heard Nishinoya's voice speak out again. "So… are you up for popsicles? No practice today."

Feeling a genuine smile felt much better than one that served to please others.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

EXTRA

[Tsukkiii~: Having some romance problems?]

[Aozora Kotori: you know, usually i'd read that as a kind gesture, but you're doing it to spite me.]

[Tsukkiii~: What? Turning down my genuine kindness?]

[Aozora Kotori: hinata told you.]

[Tsukkiii~: Hinata told me.]

a relatively short return chapter! i might redo this later. maybe. if i can. if i want.

also, note that this story (despite complications) will end up with Aozora and Nishinoya, though i may do other events with other characters on my tumblr or in shorts, or on a different account-maybe even a separate story entirely.

redrew aozora up on tumblr too if anyone was curious

anyways, it took a while, but here's the update that everyone wanted but didn't deserve B)

#ssb