Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Story Notes: First posted on Elysian Fields August 14th 2014 as a response to a challenge.

"You know, Slayer; just 'cause the Great Brooder decided to end your little 'perfect romance' and bugger off to LA, doesn't mean you should throw yourself blindly at the next guy that comes along."

As always with Spike's comments, I reacted in the usual way. A punch in the face. He tried to hit me back, got a headache for his trouble and walked away complaining about his life, his nose and his head. It was pathetic.

But unlike all his other comments, this one stays with me. Even when I was lying in bed with Riley later that night I couldn't ignore the fact that maybe I had rushed into things with him.

No, I told myself firmly. It was just Spike being Spike, pointing things out to try and rile me up, like he always did. I hadn't rushed into things with Riley; I hadn't really wanted to go out with him at all until the day he helped me in the ruins of Sunnydale High.

Things are great, and I don't want a stupid comment from Spike ruining everything.

I thought about it again.

Several times.

I thought about Spike's stupid comment, and I hate to admit that I had good reason to.

I didn't know whether or not to believe Riley after Professor Walsh tried to kill me. From what I could see, he was her favourite; the one she would confide in whenever she plotted these evil little schemes like a James Bond villain. It'd be just my luck for Riley to turn out to be some evil minion for "the evil bitch monster" – especially after I slept with him.

I barely know him. I didn't know whether to trust him when he came bursting into Giles's place, asking if I was alright. How could I know the difference? For all I knew, he could've been sent as a "friend" in order to regain our trust so he could kill us in our sleep.

OK, so maybe that was going overboard, but it wouldn't have been the first time.

When he noticed Spike, the bleached pest made some comment about my taste in "evil men" before leaving. I don't think I would've punched him even if I had been angry, because I was afraid that he was right.

Only later – after the reveal of Maggie's death – I realized that Riley probably wasn't a bad guy, after all. Just used, which became all the more clearer when Xander and I discovered that the scientists had been putting drugs in the meals of the soldiers. I tried to apologize to him, but he wouldn't hear it.

I'm still shaken, though – at the thought that he could've been evil, and I wouldn't have known it until it was too late. I jumped happily into a relationship with him – slept with him, even – without really knowing who he was.

But it gets worse; the more I begin to question my relationship with Riley, the more I question my previous relationship with Angel.

Stupid Spike and his stupid comments.

Riley slept with Faith.

OK, so Faith was in my body, but still. He should have known it wasn't me.

Even though my friends didn't know…nor Giles or Mom… And it wasn't like Riley and I really knew each other anyway, as I've already realized…

But I'm still hurt. I told him that we needed a break from each other in order to think things through. He wasn't happy – he didn't think he'd done anything wrong, and maybe he hadn't.

Maybe I am overreacting. But part of me, deep down inside, keeps repeating over and over that if it's love, Riley would have known it wasn't me.

The worst part? When I bumped into Spike, he asked if it was really me. When I confirmed it with a punch in the nose, he smirked and commented that I'd found my way back into my own body sooner than he thought I would.

"That Faith girl's a bit of a wild card. Not really the kind of Slayer I can deal with."

I couldn't believe it. I confronted my friends and asked who had spilled the beans to Spike, but none of them had. I believed them. I had no choice to.

Spike had known, while Riley had been clueless.

Stupid Spike.

Jonathon's spell made me realize something: I don't need a guy in my life.

When Jonathon had been giving the orders, he made me feel useless. Then, when Riley joined the team, he kept on trying to push me back into a relationship with him, still under the delusion that there's nothing wrong.

Angel had been the same. He would make decisions, question mine, and looking back on it I can't believe I let him get away with it. I was blinded by love – but not anymore.

I told Riley that it wasn't going to work out between us. The adventure to break Jonathon's spell also made me realize that without his drugs, Riley's weak. But unlike Xander, he doesn't want to believe that; he pushed himself to keep up with me, and that only put him and others around him in danger. I had to turn my attention away from a dangerous demon in order to bail him out.

It's just too risky. He didn't take it well, of course.

I want to forget how Spike had been the only guy not to treat me like I was incompetent.

Riley obviously doesn't like taking 'no' for an answer.

Idiot.

He turned his back on the Initiative. OK, so he tried to rescue Oz, and that's fine. But when asked for his reasons, he said he was doing it for me. And once we were out, he expected me to run into his open arms and take him back.

Instead he got a slap in the face. Sure, he'd turned his back on an evil boot camp for whacky people – but for the wrong reasons. He did it because it was what I wanted, not because it was the right thing to do.

I can't help but wonder what I ever saw in him.

"On the bright side, we may have found someone with a bigger forehead than Peaches."

I don't want to admit – at least out loud – that Spike's comment was the first of his to make me smile, even if only a little.

Riley is officially a douchebag.

So is Angel, for that matter.

Angel yelled at me for my right to "invade" his town, meanwhile he thought it was perfectly OK to come invade my town whenever he goddamn pleased. When I told him that things worked both ways, he only blinked. Like it was a shock to him.

I punched him and told him to go home.

With tears in my ears – I'd only just realized that the supposed love of my life wasn't even close to being such, so I deserved a little water works – I then confronted Riley. He apparently thought that Angel was soulless and had come after me.

And since there was only one way Angel could lose his soul…

Yeah, Riley pretty much – although unintentionally – accused me of being a bigger ho-bag than Drusilla. He tried to apologize but I refused to hear it. I was glad when, after the Initiative was defeated, he left with Graham and the rest of the soldiers.

I'm so sick of men. The Slayer doesn't need a guy standing by her side.

If the right guy comes along someday… I would be cautious, but I would try things with him. I wanna fall in love with the right guy, and not because I'm desperate for it.

But until then, I can handle myself.

When Spike helped me with Dracula, I assumed it was because the other vampire owed him money. And once Spike had that money, he saluted, told us it had been a "pleasure" – yeah, since when has working with Spike ever been a pleasure? – before walking out of the big scary castle.

When Spike helped me track down Harmony, I assumed it was because he wanted to get back at his ex-girlfriend – if Harmony can even be called that. From what I heard, they hadn't parted on very nice terms – I later discovered that she'd kicked him out when he first got chipped – and he wanted to make it even. I just went with it because it meant more help rescuing Dawn.

He was more or less back to himself by the time Xander got split in half – he even cheered on that Toth guy when we were attacked. Stupid vampire.

But then he showed up to help me patrol one night, using the excuse that he needed some violence before bed.

And then there's now. I've found him outside my house, smoking behind the tree. Enough is enough. I yank him out, punch him, and ask him what he's doing. Five words or less.

"Out. For. A. Walk. …Bitch."

Yeah, 'out for a walk' my ass. "No you weren't. You were lurking."

"Standin' about. Two completely different things."

I look behind the tree and see the mess he's made. "For how long, exactly? It looks like you smoked an entire pack back there. Nice to know the money I pay you is going to a worthy cause: littering on my lawn."

He rolls his eyes. "It's not all about you, you know. So what if I was standin' outside your house? I just happened to choose that spot for some peace; some alone time to myself. Not everything I do is connected to you and your groupies, so stop being all self-involved about it. I…I never really liked you anyway, and…you have stupid hair."

And with that, he walks off. He almost looks embarrassed.

Never really liked me anyway? Stupid hair? Spike's acting weirder than usual, and I don't know if that's a bad thing or not.

I knew I should be asking why Spike was even in the Magic Box, but honestly, that's not my biggest question.

Why did he help?

And it wasn't just with the demons – pulling one off me, beating it up and giving me the chance to hurry into the main part of the shop to save my friends. It was when Tara's family were trying to take her away that he stepped up and did something completely unexpected.

He punched Tara in the nose.

OK, under normal circumstances, not a good thing. But Tara thought she was a demon – or rather her family made her believe she was – and when Spike punched her his sudden migraine proved that she wasn't anything of the sort.

He helped – putting himself in pain, too – without asking anything in return. Tara was grateful enough to invite him to her party.

I asked him why he helped.

"'Cause out of your lot, I can only stand to be 'round three of you," he'd replied. "Your mum, your sis, and Glinda. They're the only ones who treat me decent-like."

I wanted to tell him that he didn't deserve to be treated "decent-like", but I stopped myself. Not only was he a guest at Tara's birthday – not only had he helped her – but I can easily put him in Tara's position. He can't exactly help it if he's a demon; he never asked to be turned.

I've been round at Willy's; I know what all the other demons and vamps think of him. He's been turned out by his own kind, and he's almost trying to find acceptance in the normal world. Again, not his fault; he didn't ask for the chip.

He's lonely, and not even demons like Spike deserve that.

I can't control what the others think of him – although I guess Willow is just as grateful for what he did and Anya probably never hated him anyway – but I resolve to be at least a little nicer to him. It wouldn't hurt.

I almost died.

And I had Spike to thank for making sure I didn't take the long walk to Heaven.

After I fell unconscious, Spike apparently rushed me to Giles's before taking off again, leaving me in my Watcher's capable hands. I later found out that Spike had gone after the vamp that hurt me.

Giles couldn't fathom Spike's actions. I can, sort of. He already admitted to liking Mom and Dawn, and letting me die on patrol would've set them upon him like…an angry mother and sister upon a guy who let their family die.

Yeah, not so good with metaphors, or whatever they are.

When I later asked him about how he beat the Slayers he killed, he gave me this long talk about death wishes and how all Slayers are just looking for a way to die because their lives are so hard. He said that the only reason I've lasted so long is because of my friends, family and Watcher; they're ties to the world, and make it all worth it.

I still didn't like what he said; that I had a death wish.

But I understand his words now – now that I know Mom's going to the hospital for a scan.

While I'm sat out on the porch, Spike appears. I see the gun in his hand and realize what he wants to do – and part of me wants him to do it.

Any traces of anger leave his face when he sees me; tears in my eyes, my face red, and looking like Hell in person.

He surprises me by sitting down on the steps, too. He shocks me when he places a hand on my shoulder. It's obvious that he doesn't know how to comfort a person in pain, but he's trying – and really, that's all that matters.

I want to tell him about Mom; he said that he likes her, so he would want to know. But instead, the words that leave my mouth are, "You were right. About Riley."

I feel him shift next to me. "Gathered that, since you dumped him, an' all. 'bout time, too. He wasn't worth it."

"I've been so stupid when it comes to love," I continue. "I rush in, only to come crashing to a stop when things go wrong. I've realized that I don't need a boyfriend – but at times like this, I wish I had one. It'd be…nice to have someone to lean on."

The irony isn't lost on me that Spike is in the place of where the boyfriend would be.

"You'll find someone, when the time's right," he says. There's sadness in his voice. Why's he sad about that?

I turn – but instead of looking at him, my gaze falls upon the gun at his side. "Don't think I didn't notice that."

He cringes. "I can explain-"

"You don't have to," I say, interrupting him before he can continue. "You were right about another thing; the death wish. When…when I looked up and saw you holding that gun, I…I wanted you to do it."

I never knew he could move so fast. He goes from sitting next to me to kneeling before me in a second, and I don't know what to make of the emotion in his eyes – the eyes that had always been so human.

"Don't say that," he tells me firmly; both his hands are on my arms, gripping me tightly. "I don't know why I wanted to kill you tonight, but it was stupid and hell if it's gonna happen again."

I blink. It's all I can do. "Um…you did used to want me dead, right?"

"Used to," he admits. He loosens his grip. "Things have changed. Find nowadays tha' I don't particularly want it."

He could've been lying. Hell, it would've been my first guess. I didn't know Riley, and when things went downhill, I didn't know whether to trust him or not. But Spike… I know Spike. I can read him by just looking into his eyes. Somehow – crazy as it might sound – I know he's telling the truth.

He's not going to hurt me, and he never will – and not just because of the chip.

After about a minute, he sits back in his original seat and tenderly takes my hand in his. I let him. It's strange, but it helps deal with the pain; Spike holding my hand is more comforting than the thought of Angel or Riley letting me cry into their chests. It's weird, but…it feels right.

"I, um…" I bite my lip. "Thanks for…saving me yesterday. And…I'm sorry I said you're beneath me."

"Welcome, and 'S OK, pet. I took our little talk a bit too far. Got carried away." His thumb gently caresses my hand. "And if you wanna tell me what's wrong, that's fine. But if it's something I shouldn't know, then that's fine, too. We can just sit here 'til you're ready to go back inside."

It's strange, comparing Spike to Angel and Riley. I'm certain that Angel would've demanded that I tell him what's wrong, and while I didn't know Riley as well, I'm pretty sure he would've reacted the same way.

Spike is OK with not knowing; he seems to understand that sometimes, I would rather just not tell people what's going on.

It's that realization that makes me tell him about Mom.

I invited Spike to tag along.

It was practical, really. I needed someone to watch Dawn when the scan was done, so Mom and I could talk to the doctor alone. And since the gang were helping out at the Magic Box, it only made sense for Spike to keep an eye on my sister.

"But if you really don't want to…" After what had happened the night before, I didn't want him to feel like I was using him.

"'S fine, pet," he said with a shrug. Only then did I realize that he'd started calling me pet names, something he'd never done before. It had always been 'Slayer', or 'bitch' if he was in an especially bad mood. "'sides, your mum and sis want me to come."

And they did. Mom was glad to have a chat with him on the way there, while Dawn was practically bouncing up and down at the thought of spending the day with the vampire. For the latter, I was glad; it kept Dawn's mind off the fact that our mother could be seriously ill.

That gladness for him being there turned into outright gratitude when I discovered that Mom had a "shadow" and needed an initial operation so the doctors could see what exactly it was. I told Dawn and Spike what was happening, and while I wanted Spike to take Dawn somewhere else, he couldn't go out in the sunlight; places they could go would be limited to sewers and caves. So we waited.

I wanted the room to swallow me up when the doctor said it was a brain tumour.

I felt like a child again, not understanding what the hell was going on as the doctor continued to talk to me about things I didn't know, but things he expected me to know. I barely heard any of it; to me, it was just brain tumour, brain tumour, brain tumour over and over again.

Spike was there, thankfully, and seemed to take in what the doctor was saying before scaring him off with a growl. Either the doctor knew what Spike was – it wouldn't surprise me if they knew about vampires, considering what the emergency room was like in the evenings – or just didn't want to make a fuss, because he left without a word.

I dropped Dawn off at school for the rest of the day before Spike and I made our way back to the Magic Box. There were questions about his presence – mostly coming from Xander – but I shut them up with the news about Mom.

The day got worse when we found out that Glory had been in the shop and brought items that could summon a magic demon snake.

"If it's any consolation, I may have over-charged her."

Spike and I set off to stop her, but we were too late. We weren't too late to reach the Magic Box in time, but the snake wasn't far behind. And it got a good look at Dawn.

One dead snake later, Spike suggested selling its parts through the demon grape line and using the butt-loads of money – apparently demon snakes were rare and other demons would offer thousands for it, who knew? – to set up an overseas account for both myself and Dawn.

I told him about Dawn. Seeing him take down the snake to protect her without any thought of reward – and then giving the reward to me and Dawn – made me realize that I could trust him. And if he's fighting to protect Dawn, it's only fair that he knows why.

I was completely unprepared for Riley to barge into my house.

It was a really bad day. We found out that the doctors couldn't fit Mom in for an operation until two days' time, and it made her fussed. She didn't like being in the hospital, and I couldn't blame her; I still get major wiggins about this place, even after getting over my initial fear of them back in junior year.

Plus, hospital food is crappy.

Spike arrived, and together we were able to convince the doctor to let Mom go home and rest until the operation. The doctor told us that we probably wouldn't get much sleep, but like that mattered; if he knew who we are, he'd know that we never get much sleep, anyway.

Getting her home was relatively easy. Getting her settled was a little difficult, but manageable. Things were tense when Mom called Dawn a "thing", but Spike was able to comfort her. He even pinched her and gave himself a headache to prove that she's not a thing.

It was when the babbling started that things got worse.

Hearing her up there babbling on, knowing that she may never get better… It got to me. I'm the Slayer; I can deal with vampires and monsters and the end of the world, but I can't deal with Mom being sick. I didn't know I'd broken the plate I was trying to wash up until Spike gently took my hands in his.

I could only watch, mesmerized, as he brought my hands up, one at a time, to his mouth before licking the blood from them. Before all this – before Mom's illness – I would never have let him do it. But it was strangely…soothing. I didn't notice it at the time, but his mouth lingered when he was done. His lips brushed over my hand gently, followed by tender nuzzling, and something rumbled in his throat which can only be described as a purr.

The thing is, I let him. I knew what he was doing, but at the same time it didn't really register that he was doing it, or what his actions meant. I didn't think about any kind of deeper meaning to what he was doing; I was too busy allowing myself to accept the comfort I needed in order to distract me from the hardships of reality.

Whatever kind of moment we were having, it was interrupted by Dawn screaming from up the stairs.

Yeah, the night got worse in the form of a grey alien worm thing attacking Mom.

Spike and I were able to kill it, and that was when Riley burst in with his commandos, ready for a fight. Stepping in front of Spike was my first instinct.

I was surprised to discover that Riley had been in town for nearly two weeks. Making sure the demon population stayed down, he said. When he started questioning Spike's presence, I pretty much blew up in his face – about how Sunnydale is my town, how I get to choose who my friends are, and how I'm sick and tired of him trying to tell me what's best for me. Then I called him out on not telling me about the alien demon that had followed me home to attack my mother.

From the look on his face, I saw that he didn't get it. So I punched him for good measure.

When did Riley take Spike's place and when did Spike take Riley's?

When it's time for the operation, I tell my friends that if they said a word about Spike's presence, they would be out of the hospital before they even registered I was removing them.

I thought my long line of bad days had run their course when I was told that Mom was expected to make a full recovery.

I was so wrong.

It barely registered that I was patrolling with Spike. Almost as if he'd been doing it with me forever; that was how natural it felt. It put me at ease, knowing he could take care of himself, and the fact that he didn't cut in on my fight like Angel and Riley used to do – in their misguided view that I needed help – certainly earned him bonus points.

We came across what looked like a vamp-whorehouse. Spike said he'd heard of them; places like that were where humans went to allow vamps to feed off them. They got off on the thrill of it, which disgusted me.

I was reminded of Spike licking the blood off my hands – but that was different. That had been soothing and…intimate. And where the hell did that word come from?

We only peeked inside before deciding to come back during the day when they were all sleeping. And that was exactly what we did – but in the middle of dusting a group of vamps, I came across a familiar face.

It was one I never expected to see in that place, of all places.

Riley. Vamped.

"Am I vamp enough for you now, Buffy?"

My reply was a stake to the heart.

Before I staked his female companion, I beat the answers out of her. Ever since coming back to Sunnydale, Riley had been visiting and getting vampires to bite him. Then, a couple of days before, he'd asked to be turned.

It was on the night he'd been at my house – obviously after he'd left, otherwise he never would've been able to come in.

I beat the vamp some more before setting her on fire, which was followed by setting the entire place alight.

I'm home now. Spike was able to drag me out of that place and back here – and now that the adrenaline's gone and I'm thinking more clearly about what I saw… I break down.

I hadn't really been with Riley for very long, but… It's the same. First Angel, and then Riley.

"Is that all I'm good at?! Turning men evil?!" I yell through my tears.

I let Spike pull me in close. "No. It was never your fault; they're just a couple of wankers who didn't know a good thing when they had it." He gently strokes my hair as he leads me towards the couch to sit down. "Besides, I happen to know a bloke – a handsome one, if I say so myself – who was evil. But he turned good 'cause of you. And that's something to be proud of."

I don't need to ask who he's talking about; I just know.

I fall asleep curled up on the couch with my head in his lap.

Xander took it the hardest, which really didn't come as a surprise.

He made friends with Riley the previous year, and even tried talking me into dating him again after we broke up. He said Riley was a guy who "only came along once", but I didn't agree. I think he was just happy that I was dating anyone other than Angel; someone who wasn't some kind of demon.

Hypocritical, considering his choice of girlfriend.

He blames Spike for what happened, of course. Something goes wrong, blame Spike; that seems to be his motto. It had once been mine too, but I've learnt a lot since then. I've seen what Spike's capable of, and I like what I see.

Still, telling that to Xander – in the middle of a fight against a troll, no less – didn't convince him, which led to Spike announcing loudly that he was helping the injured people instead of snacking on their blood. I would have laughed if people hadn't actually, you know, been hurt.

Even I had to admit that Spike had a lot of restrain; there was blood everywhere, and he didn't have a lick.

We were able to get back to the Magic Box in time to stop the troll – name of Olaf, and Anya used to date him, which is weird – and send him to another dimension.

Now it's over, thank god. I help Spike to his feet, and for some reason, Xander chooses then to finally "have enough". Even with a broken arm, he apparently can't let these things go.

"Riley was right; you do have a vampire fetish. No wonder he turned himself."

"Xander-" Of course Willow can see where this is going.

"No, this isn't right!" Xander throws up his good arm in frustration. "Buffy turned down a nice, normal guy and has been hanging out with Spike – Spike, for Christ's sake! It's her fault Riley got himself turned; it's Angel all over again!"

I freeze, on the verge of tears. How can he say something like that?

Before I know what's happening, Spike's across the room and punching Xander in the face. There're two cries of pain; the first from Xander, and the second from Spike.

"He hit me!" Xander points a finger at Spike, as if none of us saw it ourselves.

"Worth the pain. You deserved it, you wanker." Spike's practically growling, and I'm surprised that he hasn't vamped out. "Captains Cardboard and Forehead have a lot in common – mostly that there're wankers with no brains – but the most important thing is they both turned evil, and both times, it was never Buffy's fault. Captain Forehead was cursed with his soul for over a century; did he ever think it might be worth it to look it up and understand what it's all about? And Captain Cardboard had his own issues tha' were there long before he met Buffy. She was a victim in this, but 'cause she's a hero sworn to protect you miserable people, she still feels guilty about not savin' them. And even if it was her fault both times – which it damn well wasn't – you have no bloody right to go throwin' it in her face just 'cause she didn't date the guy you wanted her to. And you call yourself her friend."

Everyone – including me – stare at him in shock, but no one is as shocked as Xander. I see him turn to me, obviously for support. But he's not getting any.

"He's right, Xander," I tell him. "I broke up with Riley because I realized that I didn't know him – and when I did, I didn't like what I saw. He put himself in danger in order to prove that he was just as strong as me, he thought he knew what was right for me, and frankly, he was just too…Angel."

"But what's with the whole 'buddy-buddy' thing with Spike? He's a vampire!"

"And she used to be a demon, you hypocrite!" I point at Anya. "They're both in the same boat; they both turned their backs on their old lives in order to help us. The only difference is that she turned human while he's still and demon, and honestly, I don't see much of a difference. What would you do if one day she turned back into a demon?"

Xander pauses and I can see the hesitation on his face. Anya can see it, too – and she's not happy. She slaps him.

"OW! Face still hurts!" he complains.

"I thought you loved me!"

"I do!"

"Then it shouldn't matter if she changes back into a demon," I tell him. "Xander, I know why you hate them." His expression darkens; Jesse has always a touchy subject with him. "But it happened near enough four years ago. The pain never goes, but you can't just use that as an excuse to hold a prejudice. A friend of mine was once killed by an Asian guy, but that doesn't mean I hate all Asian guys."

Xander looks down at his feet, suddenly becoming very interested in his shoelaces, and that's when Willow steps forwards. "Maybe we should take him to the hospital."

I turn to Spike when they're gone. "Thank you."

All he does is smile.

It's just like Travers to try and keep information from me in order to get what he wanted: me back under the control of the Council.

And when I wasn't performing the ridiculous tests of the Council, I was getting shot down by my dumb history professor when I subtly suggested that Rasputin may have been a demon. This led to me taking out my anger on a vampire which ended with Spike jumping in to help.

It would always annoy me, having people jumping in on my fights – but I get that had he not done so, I would've been "regrouped into separate piles". It's OK when I legitimately need the help, which he always seems to get.

He cheered me up by confirming Rasputin's demon status. Take that, History Professor!

Things went from bad to worse when Glory showed up at my house. It seemed to be a pattern; days that were already bad would just get worse and worse. Thankfully she didn't recognize Dawn as the Key, nor did she hurt anyone. She threatened to, though.

I took Mom and Dawn to Spike. He's the only person other than me who stands any sort of chance against Glory. When I assured him that she didn't hurt any of us, he frowned. I asked why.

"She may be able to beat you into the bloody ground, but it seems to me that you hold the power here. And she knows it."

An attack from these Knight guys also after the Key – seriously, is the universe just randomly throwing bad stuff at me now? – helped me understand what Spike was saying, and that gave me the confidence to stand up to Travers. Finally things calmed down.

"Glory isn't a demon. She's a God."

Oh.

Dawn found out.

Spike said that it had been inevitable, and that I should've told her sooner instead of letting her find out for herself. I hate that he's right.

It was Giles's fault, really. He left his notebook out on the counter of the Magic Box, which Dawn took when no one was looking. I drilled into him about it; what if one of Glory's minions had taken it? He at least admitted his fault and looked guilty.

Dawn cut herself.

Added to her breakdown, she ran away.

And then Glory almost killed her.

Thankfully Glory didn't figure out who she is, but she would've killed her had we not arrived in time. Spike was able to pin her in order for me to get Dawn out of the way, but then the Hell-bitch knocked him out.

"If he wakes up, tell your boyfriend to watch his mouth."

Only now do I realize that I hadn't denied what she'd called him.

Spike woke up again once Glory was teleported away and Dawn was feeling better. Dawn hugged him while I sighed in silent relief. If he'd died – permanently this time – I wasn't sure what I would have done.

All in all, the events kept up the tradition of Buffy's Birthday of Misery.

Spike's in love with me.

Yeah, I guess I should've figured it out sooner, what with his sudden turn to the good side and all, but…

I didn't know how to react.

Dawn had wandered off, and I'd gone to rally Spike so we could look for her – only to find the two sat down on the couch while he gave her a history lesson from…well, history.

I wanted to yell at Dawn, but at the same time I knew why she'd sought out Spike. She's still a little iffy about being the Key, and how Spike treats people is different to the others. My friends are careful around Dawn, almost trying too hard to treat her like a normal person. Spike just does it naturally. I've seen him with Dawn; he speaks to her like she's an adult and can understand things, and sometimes not even I do that.

It's the same with me; he understands that I'm both the Slayer and Buffy, while my friends only seem to see the sides as two different beings. The Slayer is perfect and saves the world, while Buffy is fun to be around and always has to hang out with friends. I'm comfortable to be myself around him; the girl who is both Slayer-Buffy and Normal-Buffy.

On the way home, I realized that Dawn had a crush on Spike. She denied it, like any teen girl, before saying that it wouldn't matter anyway; he loved me.

It was like a ton of bricks had been dropped on me, but at the same time, it all made sense. Everything he'd done…he'd done for me.

I was reminded of Riley's decision to leave the Initiative because it was what I wanted. But Spike's actions are different. With Riley, it had been a choice any rationally thinking human could've made. With Spike, he's turning against his nature for something he shouldn't even want.

I tried to distract myself with a train murder mystery, but the idea of Spike loving me kept on coming back.

What I'm really wigged about is the fact that I'm not wigged at all. It doesn't disgust me, the idea of him being in love with me. He's on our side now; it's not as if he's still evil.

I happen to know a bloke – a handsome one, if I say so myself – who was evil. But he turned good 'cause of you. And that's something to be proud of. I held onto his words, for if they're true – if he had started fighting for us because he fell in love with me – then the Buffy Boyfriend Curse would be over.

I smile when I find him in the kitchen, talking to Mom and Dawn. It's nice to see him having a decent conversation with someone. When he'd tried joining us at the Bronze the day before, things had been awkward. I'd accepted him, as had Tara and Anya. While Willow, to her credit, tried, I could tell she was uncertain. Xander just flat out ignored him.

"Oh, Buffy." Mom notices me standing in the doorway, and all eyes turn on me – including Spike's.

I find myself on the receiving end of a longing gaze I've never seen before. Not the lustful longing gaze I'd caught Angel giving me many times, nor the gaze of desperation Riley had tried on me. It was a longing to let him love me, and to be loved in return.

The giddiness I'd felt with Angel was nothing compared to what I feel under Spike's gaze. Had a complete stranger seen the look on Spike's face, they would've mistaken me for some Goddess of Beauty, easily. It's certainly how Spike's making me feel.

Loved. Something Angel and Riley never made sure of.

When he takes me aside and tells me he has a lead on the vampires who killed the people on the train, I don't think anything of it. Only when we're sitting in the car, with a flask full of some kind of alcohol on what's possibly a botched stake-out, I figure out what he's up to.

He's trying to take me out on a date.

It's actually kinda cute that he doesn't have the guts to actually ask me out, but I also understand. Until recently with Mom's illness, I haven't treated him very well. I've noticed his worried looks here and there; it's as if he's waiting for me to turn on him, since Mom's better. Like I've only been using him for comfort.

That's stupid. I needed the comfort, right, but he gave it willingly. And it wasn't overbearing, like what Angel or Riley would've given me; it was just the right amount when I needed it. He understood when I needed a shoulder to lean on, or when I needed to not cry at all and be strong. And that felt better than whatever Riley or Angel could give me.

I need to make him see how different things are; that it's not just about Mom's illness. It may have started there – it may have even started before, with Tara's birthday – but it's not the overall reason. I enjoy patrolling with him, and I enjoy talking to him. I'm not gonna give that up just because it may be wrong or people have a problem with it.

I'm about to speak up, but stop when two vampires arrive and disappear into the old warehouse. Spike and I carefully and quietly climb out of the car before walking into the place, finding them sat on the couch they'd obviously dragged in at some point.

They stand up and ran. It's really pathetic. I look around at the place; the vamps have obviously nested, which means that they've been in this place a while. The vamp on the train has only just arrived. Spike should've known this – all the more reason to conclude what this really is.

"You know, if you wanted to take me out on a date, you could've just asked."

It's funny seeing Spike squirm, avoiding my gaze and trying to deny it while awkwardly fiddling with bits and pieces around the room. "Yeah, right. A…date. You're completely off your…err…"

I roll my eyes, smiling. I can't believe I've missed just how darn adorable he can be sometimes. "Dawn said that you had…feelings for me. And that's OK. You… If you want to ask me out on a date, there's nothing to be scared of."

If he opened his mouth, it would've hit the floor. "But I thought you said-"

"The whole boyfriend thing?" My eyebrows rise. "Just because I don't need a boyfriend doesn't mean I don't want one." He goes to open his mouth again, but I already know what he's going to say. "And you're nothing like Angel, so don't even go there. When I met Angel, all I wanted was to be a normal girl, and normal girls had boyfriends. And he was the only part of the slaying gig that made sense, so it was a 'best of both worlds' kinda deal. He was cute, he was dark and mysterious, and he was a vampire; teen rebel plus. In my sixteen-year-old eyes, he was perfect. But because I threw myself at him too quickly I didn't think about my actions, and we all know how well that ended. He was my first love; fast, painful, all wrapped up in one big mistake. I mean, was your first love a mistake?"

"Too right, it was," he agrees, his eyes never leaving mine.

"And then there was Riley," I continue. "He reminded me so much of Angel, which I guess is where the attraction started. I never noticed it, but that didn't stop me from making the comparisons; that was why I didn't want a relationship with him at first, especially after Parker. But when I saw him fighting… I couldn't stay away. He filled the hole Angel left behind – only I'd made the same mistake again. I jumped into the relationship too fast. Thing is, if it hadn't been for your words, I don't think I would've noticed. When Professor Walsh tried to kill me, I realized that Riley could've easily been involved, because I didn't know him and therefore I didn't know what he was capable of. The doubt made me see what kind of guy he was, and he wasn't a guy I liked. So yeah, I decided that I don't need a boyfriend in my life, but I also promised myself to wait until the right guy came along."

His eyes widen when he realizes what I implied. "Does that mean…?"

"I'm not saying that I love you." I don't want to give him the wrong idea or give him any false hope. "But that doesn't mean we can't try. Is…is that enough, for now at least?"

He smiles before crossing the space between us and cupping my cheek. "It's more than enough. More than I hoped for." He places a gentle kiss on my forehead.

His touch, his kiss, and even just his expression whenever he looks at me… They make me feel like the Queen of the Universe. My skin goes all fluttery while my insides turn to goo, all at once. If he makes me feel like this all the time…

Well, we're going to be together for a very long time.