Best Man

"Kyle's my best man!"

"I'm closer to him than you are!"

"Why can't you take Oz?"

The day Kyle had seen his friends setting up the decorations and lawn chairs outside the Fanlair, he had run home before they could give him his invitation in person. His rational side had kicked him for checking his mail slot each morning; he attributed it to the fact that he did not get a lot of mail to look forward to.

Fanboy and Chum Chum had decided that their bond was so strong that they had planned a (rather unofficial; they were children) wedding.

Not at all to Kyle's surprise and much to his annoyance, he had been asked to be the best man, but it flattered him to no end that they were now fighting over whose best man he was to be.

"Mine!"

"I get him! How about you just have a maid of honor?"

After watching them for a while, Kyle got an idea of how he might get even more out of this opportunity.

"Allow me to settle this," he interrupted. "I shall serve as best man to whichever of you can leave me alone longer."

Vampires

Capes flitted through Kyle's peripheral vision, even after he had put up his exclusive magic cone. It was almost a given that they would not be working on the assignment Mr. Mufflin had given, which Kyle was trying to concentrate on despite Fanboy and Chum Chum's attempts at his attention with their "mysterious" swishing and sneaking around.

"Ow!" he cried out when wet teeth clamped down on his shin. He glared down at Chum Chum sucking on his pant leg and drooling onto his sock.

"No, buddy! We must control our thirst!" His cape wrapped about him, Fanboy pried one friend off the other.

"I apologize, human," Fanboy said in a dramatic tone.

"You're not vampires," Kyle dully told them once again. He rose from his desk and strode to his locker, hoping to leave them behind.

They were at his heels, hiding behind passing students while thinking Kyle couldn't see them. They finally appeared at his side when he stopped, and to Kyle's disappointment the locker door to Fanboy's face deterred neither of them.

It's not safe for you to be around us, Kyle," Fanboy informed him.

"Then leave," Kyle said flatly.

Once he sat down again he sensed his nitwits looming over his head (though he wasn't sure how Chum Chum was doing it).

"Kyle was sure of two things," Fanboy thrust two gloved fingers in the wizard's face.

"The first one," Chum Chum chimed in, "was that Fanboy and Chum Chum were super vampires."

"And the second thing," Fanboy finished, "was that he was hopelessly and iridescently in love with them."