Santana knows she loves Puck. There isn't really a question about that, nor is there much concern for it in her mind. He's good looking, he makes her feel good, and she knows now, if she hadn't before everything that had happened lately, that he cares about her, maybe even that he loves her. She knows he would protect her and comfort her as soon as he knew she needed it, that he would drop what he was doing to help her. He's been much kinder to her than she had originally thought Puck capable of, and so loving him makes sense. Loving him is right.

It's okay to love Rachel too, she knows. After all, they had survived something horrific together. Rachel too was kind to her and comforting, and Rachel made her feel useful and needed, in that she could give her the same caring that Rachel gave her. It was okay to want to be with her and to feel better in her presence. That was sort of normal, if weird.

What wasn't okay was that Santana loved her in the same way she loved Puck…maybe even a little bit more. Not as a friend, or even a best friend. Not as a fellow survivor or a kind soul in the world. Santana loved Rachel as…something more…and that was what she couldn't wrap her thoughts around.

For days she struggled with this realization, alternating between withdrawing from Rachel, in an effort to stave off her own knowledge, and desperately texting or calling her, needing confirmation from Rachel that the girl was still there, close and willing to come to her if she needed. For days she tried to wrap her head around how it was even possible to love too people in the same way, two people with a desperation that was beyond anything Santana had ever felt before in her life. And then came the weary, almost determined thoughts one night, after Santana had awakened alone from another nightmare that left her shaking, sobbing, and sweating with terror and panicky desire for another person near.

Sure, this was strange and probably pretty fucked up, that she felt this way, that she needed this. But it was also the truth. She couldn't shove it down, she couldn't make it go away, and it certainly wasn't leaving on its own. She loved them both, she wanted and needed them both…so why not say to hell with it and give herself what she wanted, especially if they both wanted the same?

It was three am, but not too late for her to dial Rachel's number. Somehow she was sure the girl would forgive her.

Rachel had her own struggles to deal with when it came to attraction, desire and the pull that she felt towards both Santana and Puck. In her mind it wasn't right and she had struggled for around a week to truly process everything that was going on in her head. She wasn't sleeping properly, wasn't eating, she wasn't even really talking. She was just going through her day to day life to the best of her auto pilot abilities. She couldn't even really tell herself that she was happy because without Santana and without Puck she wasn't, she was empty and alone and stuck in a world where she couldn't close her eyes without seeing the images of dead bodies splashed out before her. It was all too much and even though it had been a while there simply wasn't enough time to erase the damage that had been done.

That night she had been laying in her bed staring up at the roof and wondering if she would ever find the strength to move on or get on with her life and get out of Lima and out to New York. Maybe it wouldn't happen but maybe on the off chance it would. She hadn't realized the time at all, all she noticed was her phone buzzing beside her on the bed and without giving it much thought she answered it with a weak and somewhat strained voice.

"Hello?"

She hadn't seen Santana's name on the screen nor had she seen the time.

Santana swallowed hard at the sound of Rachel's voice, trying to force down the nerves swimming in her stomach and choking up her throat. She cleared her throat, taking another deep breath before responding.

"Rachel, it's me. Santana. I know it's late and everything, I'm sorry if I woke you up…"

Hearing Santana's voice, Rachel smiled a little, releasing a breath.

"I was already awake."

Rolling onto her side, she curled up in a ball.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah…" Santana cleared her throat, trying again. She too curled up in bed, clutching the phone to her face as though it were Rachel's hand, before speaking again in a rush. "I love you."

Rachel's breath hitched in her throat. She swallowed again, then spoke, her voice dry.

"I love you too."

Santana sucked in her breath, her lips twitching into a smile, and she swallowed, giving a faint laugh in response. She wouldn't have thought that hearing this would have made her feel so happy, so relieved, nor that she could be the first to say it.

"Say it again."

Rachel laughed softly and smiled a little more as she listened to Santana.

"I love you, Santana Lopez," she said confidently, a little louder. "I love you."

Smiling widely, Santana cradled the phone to her ear like it was Rachel's hand. She was aware of tears in her eyes but ignored them as she spoke to her softly. "I want to see you."

She knew it was 3 am, but this posed little obstacle to her.

Rachel smiled softly as Santana spoke and carefully got up from her bed.

"I'll come to you."

Still holding the phone, Rachel busied herself grabbing a cardigan, her shoes, and her keys. She didn't care how she looked; she just needed to be with Santana.

Santana knows herself how bad she looks. Her hair is tangled and slightly oily, her clothes are rumpled and mismatched, and her eyes are red. But she doesn't care. She's going to see Rachel, in this whole new context and understanding, and she can't wait.

Rachel ended up hanging up after saying she'd be there soon and raced downstairs to jump in her car. It took her all of ten minutes to arrive at the Lopez household and she sent a text to Santana and tell her that she was waiting downstairs for her.

The minute Santana got the text she jumped up, almost running downstairs to meet Rachel. She didn't care if she woke everyone up in the house as long as she got to Rachel as fast as possible. Seeing her standing in the living room, she came forward immediately, wrapping herself around her tightly and hugging her hard, then pulled back just enough to kiss her.

Rachel hugged Santana as tightly as possible and smiled a little as she saw her. Before too long they were kissing and she kissed Santana with everything that she had to give her, all the suppressed and repressed emotions she had been harboring spilling out from her lips and into her embrace.

"I love you," she whispered against her lips, not wanting to hold back from admitting it anymore.

Santana smiled into her lips, scarcely believing this moment. Squeezing Rachel hard, she feels her eyes tear up and blinks them back, whispering back.

"I love you too. God I love you."

Burying her face against Rachel's neck, she takes a breath, then pulls back.

"Rachel….while I was thinking of all this I barely thought of the other stuff." Meaning the shooting.

Rachel held onto Santana so tightly that she thought might be hurting her.

"I love you so much," she whispered as tears fell her cheeks. Rubbing her back gently, she rocked them both slowly.

"We need to keep it this way," she said softly in response to Santana. If being with each other, thinking of each other, working out their feelings meant they didn't think of the shooting, then that was good. She didn't want Santana thinking about the shooting anymore.

Rachel's grip was a little hard, but Santana barely noticed. She held Rachel close, keeping herself as tightly against her as she could, and let herself be rocked, gripping a fistful of her hair. She stays close to her, gradually breathing more evenly, until she is relaxed. Puck crosses her mind then, and she realizes that to have him here too, his arms wrapped around them both, would only make this moment more perfect.

Rachel didn't care about anything else in that moment as Santana's hand gripped her hair. Except one thing.

"Should we call him?" she asked. Puck there would really complete the moment for them, and although Santana hadn't mentioned him, Rachel's own thoughts had turned his way.

Santana knew, of course, what she was thinking. Smiling, she nodded, her face rested in the crook of Rachel's neck.

"Yeah. Bring the big lug over."

"You've got it, beautiful."

Rachel pulled her phone out, dialing Puck's number. She had a feeling that he would be there in a heartbeat but it still made her nervous.

Puck had been lying awake, though it was now almost four am, restless and unable to sleep. When his phone rang he almost dived for it, fumbling to bring it to his ear.

"Hello?"

Santana pressed close to Rachel, smiling when she hears his voice.

"Hi handsome. You need to get to Santana's place because we miss you and want you here," Rachel said before hanging up with a smirk forming on her lips.

"Dude, don't gotta ask twice," Puck said immediately before hanging up.

Santana grinned, kissing Rachel again as she waited.

"When did I decide you're both cute and what does this say about me?"

Rachel kissed Santana back and smiled as they parted.

"It says you were destined to be stuck with us in some way," she laughed and pulled her in a little closer so their bodies were pressed tightly against one another's.

"Destiny…weird," Santana shrugs, but doesn't argue.

She rocks Rachel back and forth with her slightly, enjoying being so close, and when Puck shows up less than ten minutes later, she breaks loose one arm to draw him in. As Puck enfolds them both, Santana exhales, now thoroughly content. This was exactly right.

Rachel and Puck were so different, yet together, they made her feel whole, as though she had had both of them as missing pieces of herself without ever knowing. They made her happy, they made her feel strong and safe, and strange as it might be, she no longer cared what it meant or who knew.

She couldn't say that she didn't have nightmares sometimes or moments of anxiety or fear, but she also couldn't say that she was paralyzed with horror, unable to get through the day without clinging to one or both of them. It was becoming possible to sit through a class, even if she didn't pay much attention. It was possible to start homework, if not complete it, and in Glee, although she hadn't yet sung for herself, she was actually paying attention to what others sung. She could picture her life, now, more than in the present moment, and always in her thoughts, Puck and Rachel were there too, by her side. Maybe not the way things had been...but was that necessarily bad?

Together, they will face the future and whatever it might bring, having each other's backs and more importantly, each other's hearts. There would never be a better guarantee or a better promise than that, no matter what the future held in store.

end