Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,
and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay, Letters.

"She's different."

The words leave his lips in a soft murmur as he watches Simmons' retreating form on the other side of the glass. With Coulson wanting a debriefing with the two returning agents, the painfully awkward reunion of the two scientists had been cut short and Fitz expels the breath of air that he hadn't realized he was holding.

The whole encounter couldn't have taken longer than two and a half minutes, but to him it had lasted a lifetime – her smiling kindly, while he gripped the edges of the table before him and examined the sudden chasm that yawned between them; unbreachable, and in physical terms so vast that even his PhD in Physics cannot help him begin to quantify.

On his bad days, he used to reenact this moment in his head a million times. The day where she came back to him and they once again become who they had always been; everything falling into place like the last few months didn't matter. The real experience isn't like what he imagined.

Over the course of the last few months, he had gotten better at coping with her absence. The Simmons of his subconscious (his Simmons), unreal as she may be, has helped him get through the worse of it, but now that Real Simmons is back (he knows he shouldn't differentiate them this way, but it helps), the pressure of a full recovery seems once again overwhelming. He doesn't want to feel defensive and he knows he's been improving, but with her return the progress he's made feels frustratingly minuscule.

"Of course she's different." The words interrupt his thoughts and he turns to his left to see his Simmons, always the voice of reason.

"She's just come back from infiltrating Hydra. That's bound to change anyone." She's wearing that patient expression again that tells him that he needs to be understanding, but seeing Real Simmons has unbalanced him and he feels like he's falling (perhaps into that chasm he noticed earlier). He grips the table harder, attempting to reach for logic and solid ground.

"She's had all these experiences… Had to learn to lie and risk herself and be in danger…"

He understands. Really, he does. It makes perfect sense. But the bitterness is so thick he can taste it, and like how they share thoughts on everything – Mack's excellent physique included – he knows that she knows exactly how he feels.

"You've risked yourself and been in danger lots of times," she reminds him gently, patently. "It's all part of the job, Fitz. Even you're not the same person you were when you first joined this team."

Yes, he thinks, but that's different. The high-risk engagements had always been short and he had never needed to go in alone, Ward had always been there to keep him safe. But he doesn't say this. He doesn't feel like mentioning Ward and it doesn't matter anyway because once again she knows it as well as he does. Things between Real Simmons and him have changed.

"Did you see the way she looked at me?"

"Don't be silly, Fitz. We've talked about this. This is paranoia. You know she's happy to see you. You just need to spend a little bit of time together."

"I don't know what to say to her," he admits, frustrated. Simmons had always been the one person with whom he never had problems talking to before. Just like how he now struggles to reach the words that are buried inside his head, he realizes that he has lost one more thing that used to come to him as easy as breathing.

"All the more reason to talk to her. Catch up with what she's been doing," his Simmons encourages. "Either way, you can't just stand here and keep to yourself."

"Yes. That would make me look very stupid, wouldn't it? Like I haven't moved on."

It's the same conversation they've been having for days now. Her telling him that he needs to move on, and he doing his best to ignore the nagging feeling that tells him that she's right. And of course she is. This may be more of Simmons' field of expertise, but anyone with a grasp in basic biology knows that all species eventually encounter a need to change and that adapting to change and evolving eventually is what ensures the continuation of the species.

For years now they had been two parts of a whole, each incomplete without the other. He had relied on her being there for so long that looking back he can't even pinpoint a time when he didn't consider her first when he thought of himself.

And therein lay the problem, because from mutualistic to commensalistic to downright parasitic – symbiotic relationships were a slippery slope and like a clownfish that had lost its anemone, he needs to learn how to live apart from her.

"You don't need me anymore. You have real friends now." she says once more, obviously knowing exactly what he's thinking. She doesn't seem at all worried about the fact that by letting her go she would no longer exist. On the other hand it bothers him more than he is willing to admit, and it's like she sees his inner dilemma too because she rolls her eyes at him and smiles indulgently.

"Look, why don't you join the others? Hang out with the team," she suggests helpfully, and he follows her gaze to once more to look through the glass that divides the lab from the world beyond, this time to where Mack and Trip are fooling around, the pair laughing as a sulky Hunter follows them upstairs.

while Fitz's first reaction is to resist her suggestion, this time he only nods.

When he finally joins them in the lounge, both agents grin warmly as Mack hands him a beer. I am not a clownfish, Fitz thinks as he accepts the bottle and brings it to his lips, listening to the friendly banter of his teammates as they tease a grouchy Hunter about the recent developments of having his ex-wife on board.

Despite the jibes, it's friendly and comfortable and Fitz eventually finds that he is enjoying himself even if it is at Hunter's expense. It's been a while since he's felt like a real part of the team and it turns out that much to his surprise Mack (even with his annoyingly perfect physique) also has the intellect to understand nerd jokes.

Half an hour later as he reaches for another beer, Fitz sees her watching him from across the room. Her smile is encouraging, familiar and beatific, and as she gives him a thumbs up, her expression is so joyous and filled with warmth that his chest burns and he feels both blessed and robbed all at once.

Then he blinks and she is gone, and Fitz lets himself refocus on Mack as he raises his bottle to the group and says something about moving on and letting bygones be bygones; and Fitz doesn't allow himself to freeze for more than a split second before rising his beer too and draining its entire contents.

A/N: Hello! This short piece came out of a conversation I was having with a friend about the possibility of Subconscious Simmons still being there now that Real Simmons is back with the team. I loved this episode. Finally things are happening and I am also greatly amused that we finally meet Hunter's ex after hearing so much about her. Anyway, drop me a review and let me know your thoughts.

M mothballs.