A/N: This story picks up a month after To Rise Again ends. It covers the time between the end of the story and the epilogue, basically all of season 4. This is almost a retelling of season 4 from the perspective of Castle and Beckett being together the entire time. Beckett never lied and told Castle she loved him too immediately after surgery. She recovered with him at the loft. I will be adding some stuff that wasn't in season 4 and taking out some of the filler type stuff that was. I will be including all the major episodes though. I promise to limit the amount of straight retelling and dialogue repeating from the show. No one wants to read episodes lol. It will only be extra relationship stuff and post ep or ep insert type scenarios. I'm also adding some fun stuff and changing around some cases a bit. This first chapter is completely different than Rise, but other cases will be very similar to the show. Enjoy!
"Castle, can we talk?" Beckett asked nervously sitting down on the couch next to him.
"Of course," he answered and put his book down. "You look serious. Everything ok?"
"Yeah, um, I'm just not too sure how much you are going to like what I want to talk about."
"What's going on?"
"So you know how I am supposed to go back on active duty Monday?" Beckett asked. She had been on desk duty for the past month following her two month medical leave. Going back to work had been a little rocky at the beginning, but it had gotten easier. She had to thank Castle for getting her through everything. He had been by her side every step of the way, and they had gotten a lot closer over the past three months. Beckett had been scared to dive into a relationship with him, but it turned out to be one of the best decisions she ever made. While she only technically lived with him until she went back to work, she had been at the loft more nights than not over the past month. At Castle's nod she continued, "Well I was thinking it might be best for you to not come back with me right away."
"What? We talked about this. I stayed home while you were on desk duty, and now I'm supposed to come back. I thought Gates ok'd it."
"She did."
"Kate, do you not want me working with you?" Castle asked trying to keep the anger and confusion out of his voice.
"No, No. Well… I'm worried. I don't want anything to happen to you," she explained.
"It won't. Everything will be just like it was before. We work well together."
"I'm just… it's… I'm not sure I can protect you like I used to. It's going to take some time for me to actually get back to full capacity where I can be confident in my skills again. I'm scared enough that I'm going to let Ryan and Esposito down. I can't have to worry about you too."
"You're going to be just fine, Kate. You are excellent at your job. You might be a little rusty, but it will be fine."
"I'm not so sure about that," she responded quietly. Beckett kept her head down and refused to look at him.
"We will fall right back into it," he said confidently.
"I just need some time to get my bearings. This isn't forever."
"How long?"
"I don't know… a couple of days."
"That's it?" He asked. Castle had been thinking she was talking about a much longer time.
"Maybe a week," Beckett shrugged.
He took a deep breath. "Ok."
"Ok?"
"If this is what you want then I'll listen," he supplied dejectedly.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly and leaned her head on his shoulder. She really was sorry. She hated that she couldn't just let everything go back to normal. Kate was doing her best, but it just wasn't working.
"It's not your fault."
"Castle, come on. I know you aren't happy about this." Beckett had learned over the past few months that she wasn't the only one that ever needed a little push to open up.
"No, I'm not," he agreed seriously.
"I don't know how to explain it. I guess I just need some time."
"Some time without your partner?"
"Some time without the man that I love being in the line of fire," she countered.
"Well I need the woman that I love to not be in the line of fire alone."
"I won't be alone. Ryan and Esposito will have my back. I'm sure they are going to be overprotective for a while too."
"Look I know I'm not a cop, and you are much better off with one of them, but Kate, I don't like this."
"I'll be fine."
"I'll be fine too," he said firmly.
"Please I don't want to fight," she nearly begged.
"Neither do I," Castle agreed.
"I have enough to worry about without worrying about you."
"I understand. I do. You are going to tested, and it's going to be difficult. That's why I want to be with you."
"You will only make it harder," Beckett said quickly.
Castle's face fell at her words. He truly thought they were past the stage where he was a bother to her on the job.
"No, Castle, I'm sorry."
"I get it. You can't be a babysitter right now." The hurt was evident in Castle's voice.
"That's not what I meant."
"It's fine. I won't come," he said defeated.
"I need you to understand why I don't want you to come for a little bit. Let me get a few gun draws under my belt first," Beckett explained.
"I know you want to protect me, but I want to protect you."
"Can we compromise?" She asked.
Castle took a breath and thought for a minute. "No, Kate, I'm being unfair. I will stay home for a while. We've talked about you needing to do things on your own. I'm not trying to take away your independence. I respected it when you went back to desk duty, and I need to respect it now too."
"You listened to me when I first went back to desk duty, and what happened? I showed up here in tears after my first shift despite the fact I had insisted I was going to stay at my place. Maybe I should listen to you this time."
"That wasn't a big deal. You thought you were going to want to be alone, and it turned out you didn't. So what? You are always welcome here." Castle rested his hand on her leg reassuringly.
"It wasn't that I thought I wanted to be alone. It was that I demanded we go back to our normal lives, and I was staying at my place. Then when it came down to it, I couldn't handle it on my own. I couldn't be independent. I couldn't be me."
"Kate, there is so much more to it than that. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself," Castle said and gave her knee a little squeeze. They had been over this a million times the past month.
"I'm better now. It's not an issue," Kate said despite the fact she wasn't really sure if it was true.
"So I should let you go back to active duty alone and come back when you are ready for me."
"Yeah, but I know you want to be there now. I feel bad telling you 'no.'"
"Let me see if I got this right. You don't want me to go back because you are worried you won't be able to protect me. You think you need some practice to get back into working first?" Castle asked.
Beckett nodded.
"And I don't want you alone in these situations. Especially, if you aren't on your A game."
"It sounds like we have a problem."
"But we are talking about it," Castle said with a smile.
"Yeah…" Beckett answered confused.
"Something we never would have done six months ago."
"Yeah…" Beckett smiled too this time.
"Looks like progress to me."
"Progress," she repeated.
"There is nothing wrong with needing a little time, as long as it really is just a little. Go tomorrow on your own, and I will join you soon."
"Thank you."
"Good Morning," Castle greeted as Beckett joined him in the kitchen.
"Morning."
"I made breakfast."
"Thanks, Castle. You really didn't have to. I don't want to make any bigger deal out of today than I have to."
"I'm not doing anything special. You know I try to make Alexis a good breakfast before school when I have time."
"I'm sure you did this completely innocently," Beckett said sarcastically.
"Completely. Now, coffee?" He offered.
"Of course."
"Oh pancakes!" Alexis exclaimed coming down. Everyone made their plates and had a seat around the kitchen island. "Are you coming over tonight?" Alexis asked Kate.
"Probably," Kate looked to Castle who nodded. "I might be late though. We don't have a case now, but I doubt we will go all day without catching one. It depends how busy we get."
"So you're back to your old hours then?" Alexis asked.
"Yeah. Everything goes back to normal today."
"You have to be happy about that."
"I am. I definitely am. I've hated being stuck at my desk. The shorter hours have been nice but not that nice. Not enough to make up for the boredom."
"I'll make sure I DVR "A Night of Dance" if you're not here yet," Alexis offered.
"I can't believe I let you convince me to watch that," Beckett laughed.
"Lanie likes it too. It's not just me."
"At least this season when she whines about it, I will know who she is talking about."
"I think you'll like it. You're going to be surprised."
"Yeah, yeah. We'll see, but I have to get going. I will see you guys later," Kate said getting up from the table.
Castle stood up and went to the coffeepot to make her a to-go cup to take with her. Alexis stood too and stepped towards Kate. She wrapped her up in a quick hug. "Be careful today," the teen whispered. Kate returned the hug and didn't let Alexis pull back yet. The two had gotten close over Kate's recovery and over all the time she had been spending at the loft. Alexis refused to let on that she really was nervous about Kate going back to work, but there was definitely a sense of emotion coming across in the hug.
"I promise," Kate answered. She was touched that the girl had accepted her presence in her family's life. It meant a lot that Alexis cared about her. The two pulled away, and Alexis sat back down to finish her breakfast before she had to leave for school.
"Coffee to-go," Castle reached out and handed Kate her usual cup.
"Thanks," she smiled. She took a swig and headed to the couch where she had set her bag.
Castle followed her over and to the door. Alexis was facing the opposite way at the island.
"Call me if you need anything at all," Castle whispered standing in front of Beckett and putting his hands on her arms just above her elbows.
"I will, but today is going to be fine. It's not my actual first day back, just my first day on active. I'm way less nervous than I was a month ago."
"I know, but still."
"I'll text you if we get a case, and I'll be late."
Castle nodded and gave her a quick kiss. "I love you."
"Love you too."
"Are you ready for this?" Esposito asked as they stood outside their suspect's apartment. They had caught a case right after Kate had gotten there that morning. The scene was fairly simple, and CSU quickly found prints on the murder weapon. They matched the prints to a Marco Rivera in the system, and they got a warrant for his arrest. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too hard of an arrest. There was an unusual nervous energy around Beckett's first arrest back.
"Definitely," she said firmly.
Esposito gave her a look of disbelief.
"I've been chained to my desk for a month, I'm ready."
"Ok, let's do this," he nodded.
The three entered the apartment slowly with their weapons drawn. The front room appeared to be empty, but it was too dark to tell for sure.
"Let's split up. We need to clear the place," Beckett whispered.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fine, Esposito," she bite out. "It's a small place."
"Yeah, sorry," he agreed. Ryan was hiding his concern, but Esposito was too protective to contain it.
Beckett entered a bedroom in the back of the apartment. The room was a mess, and there was five cardboard boxes stacked in the middle of the floor. She looked around and noticed there was no closet or anywhere that looked anyone could be hiding in. She holstered her gun and opened the top box in the stack. Then she heard a faint noise rustling sound.
"NYPD! Show yourself," she called out.
The room was silent as she looked around. After a minute, Beckett figured it must have been nothing and went back to the box. It was filled with stuffed animals. She thought it was odd until she realized one of them was ripped along the back seam. She pulled a small baggie from the inside of teddy bear.
"Don't look in there!" A man yelled and popped out from behind a large dresser. He was holding a gun.
"Drop…Drop your weapon!" Beckett pulled her gun.
"You can't be here," he yelled and raised his gun pointing it at her chest.
"Drop your weapon!" She forced out. It was all she could do to even speak.
"I didn't do anything wrong," he answered unmoving.
"Drop your weapon!" She repeated. The fear was evident in her voice. Beckett took a deep breath and did her best to stay focused.
Ryan and Esposito heard the yelling and came in. Their presence immediately lead to Rivera putting his gun down. He had been building confidence against the obviously shaken Beckett, but the guys were too much for him. Esposito easily cuffed him as Ryan secured his gun. They called for a CSU team and uniforms to meet them and collect the drugs Beckett had discovered.
"You good?" Esposito asked about a half an hour later. The scene was a zoo.
"Yeah, uh, yeah," Beckett stuttered after a moment. It took her awhile to realize he was talking to her.
"Why don't you ride back with Ryan? I'll drive your car."
"What?"
"We should head back to the precinct. They don't need us here anymore, and we need to interrogate Rivera."
"Right. Ok," she agreed.
"Give me your keys," Esposito said firmly.
"I'm fine."
Esposito stepped forward closer to her and dropped his voice, "Kate, your hands are shaking."
"Oh, um," she replied looking at her hands. She hadn't even realized it, but they were definitely shaking. She had been lost in her own head since Rivera pulled his weapon her.
"It's ok. Don't worry about it. It's your first day. Just ride back with Ryan," Esposito said gently and offered her a small smile.
Beckett shook her head, but reached in her pocket and handed him her keys. She had been so out of it that she didn't even really realize what was happening around her or that the scene was being processed. Time had stopped. Damn it. She knew this was bad.
"He's in interrogation 2," Esposito told Ryan and Beckett as they walked into the bullpen. Ryan had thankfully let her be silent the whole way back precinct.
"We got it. You should watch from observation and run down whatever crap alibi he tries to give us," Ryan offered Beckett.
"I'm fine. I'll go talk to him," Beckett said firmly.
Ryan and Esposito shared a concerned look, but they let her head off towards the room. "I'm coming too," Ryan added and followed her.
"Marco Rivera, I'm Detective Beckett. This is Detective Ryan."
"I'm not talking. I didn't do anything," he said quickly.
"So we didn't find heroin in your apartment?"
"It's not mine."
"Really?" Beckett asked incredulously.
"I didn't know there was drugs mixed in. A buddy of mine asked to store some boxes at my house. It looked like just a bunch of junk."
"No, it looked 5 boxes of stuffed animals with more than poly-fil inside," Ryan shut his story down.
"I didn't look," Rivera defended.
"You just figured your buddy had a large collection of teddy bears that needed a home. And what kind of drug dealer stores his stash in teddy bears, anyway?" Beckett asked.
"I want a lawyer."
"Oh you're going to need one. We haven't even asked you about the murder yet," Ryan added.
"Murder?!"
"Felix Price. We found him this morning. Next time you stab a guy, Marco, don't leave the knife covered in your fingerprints at the scene," Beckett continued slamming a picture of their victim down on the table.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Your fingerprints are all over the murder weapon. Why didn't you just shoot him? You clearly have a gun. Don't worry we won't forget about that. We'll make sure we get all of your charges before we do the paperwork," Ryan questioned.
"I want a lawyer," Marco repeated.
"Fine," Beckett agreed and stood up. They weren't getting anything out of this guy.
"He's guilty," Ryan said in the hallway when they met up with Esposito.
"Definitely," Esposito nodded.
"Get his lawyer here, so we can finish this up. I don't want to be here all night," Beckett said sharply.
"I'm on it." Ryan headed off to take care of it.
"Beckett?" Esposito asked quietly.
"What?" She snapped.
"You should head home. It's already after 5, and there's not much left for us to do," he offered.
"Last time I checked, we hadn't done any paperwork yet. Plus, I'm sure we are going to go a few rounds with the lawyer."
"Paperwork can be done tomorrow, and Ryan and I can handle the rest tonight."
"I don't need to leave."
"I never said you needed to. I'm just saying you can," he offered her a small smile. He knew he was pressing his luck, but she shouldn't be here anymore.
"I don't need all your big brother, protective crap. Back off," she said bitterly.
"I'm just trying to be nice. It's been a long day."
"I let it go while I was on desk duty. You guys had to go easy on me, and I had to leave on time, but I'm back on full duty now. I'm fine. I need to put the shooting behind me and the only way I can do that is if you treat me normally. I thought you would understand that."
"I do. I do, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you too. I've seen a lot of people burn themselves out from jumping back in head first. A lot of guys from my unit, myself included, made the mistake of thinking we could handle our old world too quickly when we got home. I'm not going to let you make the same mistake."
"I wasn't at war, Esposito."
"Trauma is trauma," he shrugged. He knew she didn't want to hear anything he had to say. It was all the truth though. He knew she wasn't ok. She hadn't been the whole time she was desk duty either. Esposito honestly just wanted to help. He wasn't going to let her make things harder on herself. She had been through hell already.
"I appreciate your concern. I really do, but I'm fine."
"I just want to make sure you stay that way," he said. He didn't want to challenge her anymore today.
"I'll head home early tonight, but from now on what I can and can't do is my decision."
"I'm just offering a little advice," he smiled.
"Well thank you," Beckett offered a small smile back.
"Hello," Beckett called out entering the loft.
"Hey. How was your day?" Castle answered from the kitchen. He was just finishing up dinner.
"Not awful," Beckett shrugged.
"But not good either?" He asked. It was all over her face that she wasn't telling the whole truth.
"No," she admitted.
"Want to talk about it?"
"Later. I need a break for a while."
"Ok. Dinner should be ready in a few minutes," He agreed.
"I'm not really hungry."
"You should eat something. Just take a little bit."
"Is Alexis home?" Beckett asked.
"Upstairs doing homework."
"She's going to notice that I'm barely eating," she said defeated. Beckett really didn't want Alexis to know she had a bad day. She wanted Alexis to see her as strong.
"If she says something just say you had a big lunch at work. The guys ordered food to celebrate your first day back," Castle offered.
"I guess that works."
Castle left his spot in front of the stove and came over to her. "Relax, Sweetheart. It's over now," he whispered and wrapped her up in his arms.
"Yeah, until tomorrow." Kate gratefully leaned against him and buried herself in his embrace. It had been such a long day, and she really missed him. He would have been able to keep her from getting lost in her head. At least she didn't have a full blown panic attack.
"Sure you don't want to talk about it now?" He asked.
"No. I'm fine. Just tired," she lied.
"Ok, ok. Well let's eat. Let me just holler up for Alexis."
"Kate!" Alexis came running down the steps when she saw her. "You're here already."
"We closed a case, so I got out of there early."
"How'd it go?" Alexis asked staying close to Kate. The teen had been anxiously waiting her arrival.
"It was good. Killer wasn't too bright and left his finger prints all over place. Easy close," Beckett forced a smile.
Before Alexis could answer Beckett's phone rang.
"Sorry it's Esposito. You guys eat. I'll be right back." She headed into the office.
"So it looks like this case isn't so easy after all. Our suspect's lawyer convinced him to talk, and he has an air-tight alibi for the murder," Beckett announced 10 minutes later coming in and sitting down.
"Why didn't he tell you guys that earlier?" Castle asked.
"We found a ton of heroin in his place. He thought it was best to just play dumb when we asked him questions. He's refusing to talk about where he got the drugs and is apparently willing to take the drug charges, but a murder charge is a little less appealing to him."
"Do you have to go back?" Alexis asked.
"No. I told the boys to go home, and we'll pick up in the morning."
"Do you want to come with me tomorrow?" Beckett asked as her and Castle were getting ready for bed. She had spent the evening watching tv with Alexis and had yet to talk to Castle about her day.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I missed you today," she admitted.
"I'll be there," he smiled. "Ready to talk?" Castle sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him.
"Yeah," she took a deep breath and sat down. She didn't actually want to talk about it. She just wanted to sleep. She was exhausted and her ribs were hurting. Just being on her feet all day was enough to make her sore.
"How bad was it?"
"I may have sugar coated how easy the case was to Alexis."
"I was impressed. She definitely couldn't tell you had a rough day. You hid it well," he offered.
"I'm struggling enough letting you see me like this. Alexis can't," Beckett said firmly.
"Fine with me. I prefer to keep her in the dark sometimes too."
"When we went to arrest the guy, who is apparently not our killer, he pulled a gun on me."
"What happened?" He asked quickly.
"He lives in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn. We got there, and we split up to clear the place. I was the bedroom alone, and he was hiding. I started looking through a box, and he jumped out. It was my own fault for not clearing the place completely before I looked at anything. I know better."
"What happened next?"
"He pointed a gun at me and started yelling. He refused to put it down, but then Ryan and Esposito came in. They intimidated him, and he put it down."
"How did you react?"
"I froze," she admitted nearly inaudibly.
"You froze?"
"All I could get out of my mouth was 'drop your weapon' over and over."
"Well that was a good thing to say." Castle offered her a small smile.
"I couldn't think or move. I was just frozen. I was terrified," Beckett confessed. She was fighting a losing battle with tears.
"It was your first day back. It's to be expected for it to be hard. I think it's normal for you to react differently than you did before. It will take some time."
"Ryan had to drive me back because I couldn't get myself together." Her voiced broke at the end of her sentence and tears began falling down her face.
"Kate," Castle whispered and gently tugged her into his side. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and held her close.
"I don't know if I can do this."
"Of course you can," he said confidently.
"No, Castle, it was bad."
"It will get better."
"This was a new kind of pure fear. I have never felt like that before. I knew it was going to be hard to face down a gun again, but I had no idea it would be that hard."
"It will get a little easier every time. Though I have to say I hope the situation doesn't come up many times."
"I'm selfish for wanting you to come back," she said pulling out of his embrace.
"Why?"
"Because I want you there with me. I'm risking putting you in danger because I want you with me."
"I want to be with you."
"It's too dangerous." She shook her head.
"We will have each other's backs."
"Except I'm not capable of having anyone's back." Kate reached over and grabbed a tissue from the side of the bed.
"Not true. I trust you more than anyone," he replied and gently rubbed her back.
"As long as that attitude doesn't get you killed, I'm flattered."
"It won't."
Beckett leaned back into his side slowly. He dropped his arms around her and just held her. After about 10 minutes, he pulled away a bit. "We should go to sleep."
"Yeah," Beckett agreed quietly sitting up.
"Do you want some Advil?"
"How did you know?" She asked. She had been doing her best to hide that she was hurting. She didn't think Castle noticed.
"You've been favoring your left side most of the night. I didn't want to make an issue out of it. I know you've been trying not to take anything unless you really need it."
"I think I'm tired enough to just fall asleep, but my ribs are killing me."
"It's only Advil, Kate. Just take it."
"Tonight only," she sighed.
"Stubborn woman," Castle shook his head. "I'll go get it."
A/N: Thoughts? Thanks for reading! Special thanks to everyone from To Rise Again for sticking with me. If you haven't read it, you should check it out, but it isn't completely necessary to understand this story. I have a lot of stuff planned for this story. I'm not really sure what I think of this first chapter because there is not much excitement or relationship goodness, but it's necessary to establish the story. I will be wrapping up this case next chapter and then jumping into the events of 4x02 (Heroes and Villains). After that will be 4x04 (Kick the Ballistics). Chapters will probably be pretty independent but will flow a bit. Update should be in 3-4 days. Leave a review :)
~ Meagan