A/N: This chapter is so angsty and smutty, and also everyone is dead. Just a heads up about that. The whole point of this story is that Dean is miserable and Castiel wants to make it better, so even though there is no actual character death, just know that they are all dead and life is terrible.

Also, thank you to my beta HallyPorter! I have never used a beta before because I am somewhat of a grammar/spelling nazi myself, but I have been getting much more into writing lately and I wanted my stories to be as great as possible, so she is helping me with this one!

Dean's shoulder slumped, pacing across the dirty motel room, an almost empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. Bringing it up to his lips, he didn't react to the burn as the last warm drops hit his throat. It had been full and cold when he started drinking it.

He still knew who he was and he still remembered everything that had happened that day- Clearly the single bottle hadn't been enough, even though his vision was starting to blur. Frustrated with the fact that he only had the one bottle, he hurled it across the room, feeling only a small amount of release as it shattered a lamp with a loud crash.

With the storm outside howling and thunder clapping almost constantly, it was unlikely that anyone heard the noise- Not that Dean cared at the moment. He considered leaving to get another bottle, maybe a case for good measure, but he couldn't bring himself to be seen in his condition.

He shuffled over to the bathroom, turning on the light, ignoring the way that it flickered an ugly off-yellow color. He looked in the mirror, almost unable to recognize himself; is eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks wet. It seemed like the tears had been flowing for hours, endlessly almost. He couldn't stop himself, didn't even want to try. He'd been too strong for too long to try to hold it in anymore.

He looked down at his hands and arms, still covered in blood.

Sam's blood.

As he washed his hands, blood, soap and water ran down the drain, mesmerizing him. All he could think was that it was his fault. Sam was dead and it was all his fault. Kevin too. Hell, everyone that he's ever cared about was dead and he couldn't help but feel like he could have done something, should have done something to save them.

The guilt that he carried with him had always weighed him down, but he always had something to fight for, whether it be Sammy or Lisa and Ben... There was always someone counting on him and he always sucked it up and pushed on, for them. To keep them safe, as ironic as that was, given that they were in danger because of him in the first place.

Now, he had no one- No reason to fight, to be strong. As far as he knew, even Castiel was dead. He hadn't heard from the angel in almost 8 months and he had prayed...

Dean sunk down to his knees, head in his hands. The hard tile floor pressed against his joints as he ran his fingers through his hair roughly, letting out a shaking breath. Just maybe...

"Cas?" His voice was raw from screaming and his chest hurt to speak. "Cas, please... I need you." Tears continued to flow, unhindered by the fact that Dean was trying to pull himself together.

"If you're alive, plea-" The thought of Castiel being gone as well was too much, he couldn't keep his voice from breaking. He would know if Castiel were dead, right? They had such a 'profound' bond, he would feel it, wouldn't he? If he were gone?

In his mind, Dean wished that Castiel was just busy, maybe even in some sort of trouble that had kept him away for so long, but as the seconds passed, he started to lose the last of his hope. His unanswered prayer could only mean that Castiel was dead. Castiel had always been there when Dean truly needed him.

A sob escaped him, his shoulders jerking as he lost it completely. He bent forward, slamming his fist into the tile, not even aware of the pain that he would feel tomorrow. "Goddammit, Cas!" He was so angry- At Castiel, at Sammy. At the whole world. Why couldn't it have been him? He would have traded his life for any of the people he'd cared about, not only to save them, but just to be done with all of it. He was done. He had nothing else to live for.

His head rested against the floor, fingernails cutting into his palms as he clenched his fists, trying to control the need for violence that he suddenly felt. He could barely hear it over the sound of his own pained cries, but then suddenly it was the only sound in the world.

The quiet flutter of wings.

Dean sat up on his heels, eyes wide, hoping beyond hope that what he'd heard was real and that it was Castiel. If it wasn't Castiel, maybe it would be another angel; one willing to put him out of his misery.

"Dean." Castiel looked down at the broken man, eyes full of worry. When Castiel first came to earth, he had no understanding of human suffering, pain or physical weakness, but he had learned, had become more human himself. He had never, though, in all of his years, seen someone so hurt- so lost.

His red, tired eyes locked with the angel's striking blue ones, sending him over the edge all over again. "Sammy... He-" He took in ragged breaths as he stared up at Castiel, begging without words, for help.

In his brief time on Earth, Castiel had come to learn of different emotions, but he was not good with all of them. He knew that Dean needed consolation, but was unsure what action was appropriate for the situation. If it were as simple as bringing Sam back to make Dean happy, he would do it, but... That wasn't a possibility this time. "There is nothing I can do, Dean. I'm sorry."

Dean shook his head, hands running across his face. Somehow he'd known that, deep down. They had a lot of close calls and had been brought back so many times, but he always knew that there would come a time when it was for real. Eventually there wouldn't be any more do-overs. Knowing that didn't make it any easier.

His shoulders hunched and his body shook as the finality of it sunk in completely. Castiel was his only chance. His brother was really gone.

Castiel watched as Dean collapsed in on himself, feeling emotions that he hadn't really felt before- Not as strongly anyway. He hurt because Dean hurt and it confused him. He had always wanted to help Dean, been compelled to care for him, but to share in his pain was overwhelming for the angel.

Castiel found himself taking slow, quiet steps toward the other man, kneeling down to his level. "Dean."

Dean could feel Castiel crouch down in front of him and held himself tighter. He didn't want his friend to see him this way, but when he spoke... Dean heard that familiar, deep voice and he realized that Castiel was the only one left. It was just the two of them in that small bathroom. In the whole world, it was just the two of them.

He had always been there for Dean- He had saved Dean, pulled him from Hell and gave him another chance at life, with Sam-with everyone. Because of Castiel he'd had years that he shouldn't have had. Castiel had rebelled for him, given up heaven for him- killed his own family.

All for Dean.

But now, when he needed help the most, Castiel couldn't help him. Dean knew that if there were something that could be done, Castiel would give his own life to do it- to make Dean happy. Dean reached out to him, a strong grasp on the collar of that familiar trench coat, pulling himself to Castiel's chest.

Never before has he let someone see him so vulnerable, in such need of comfort, as he buried his face in the warmth of Castiel's arms. It took a moment before he felt strong arms wrap around him, pulling him closer. Castiel had learned about all different kinds of embraces during his time on earth, but hadn't had many opportunities to experience them first hand. He understood that it was something that he could do to make Dean feel better, so he gripped him tightly, letting Dean lose himself.

Every movement of Dean's sent a shockwave through Castiel's body- Each tremble and sob made Castiel want to hold him tighter, to help calm him until he stilled. His face remained expressionless when Dean finally pulled away, looking up at him. He had never seen Dean look so small and helpless.

Castiel stared into Dean's eyes, overwhelmed by the way that green stood out against red, completely unprepared to have dean's lips against his only moments later. Rough hands moved from his coat to his neck, wrapping around the back, fingers digging into his skin as they pull him impossibly closer.

Even Dean hadn't expected the kiss, too lost in his need to be held to think about why he did it or whether or not he should stop. He felt the angel stiffen against him, caught off guard but not pulling away, thankfully.

He couldn't explain it; the need that he felt to be held, to have someone care for him- to distract him from his pain, even temporarily. He'd always found solace in physical intimacy, using sex to let out his frustration and anger, secretly enjoying the closeness that came with it, but this was different.

As he sunk his lips against Castiel's desperately, he felt the other man pushing back against him, having finally caught up to what was happening. He was relieved when he felt Castiel's tongue greeting his eagerly instead of his firm hands pushing Dean away. He'd needed Castiel's permission, but he didn't want to stop, didn't- couldn't risk asking if what he was doing was okay.

He needed, more than anything, to forget about everything. He worked Castiel's mouth open, pressing harshly against him with both his lips and fingers, insisting. Hearing Castiel's rough gasp against his mouth, Dean continued, seeking an impossible amount of contact.

He needed to feel like he had a reason to live, like there was still something on this world to fight for. He needed someone to love to make everything worth it.

And he did love Castiel.

He loved Castiel.

Since when? His head was reeling, enough emotions for a lifetime running through him all at once.

Since always.

He couldn't remember a time when he didn't love Castiel in some way. Maybe at first it was simple camaraderie, but he felt the bond that Castiel had talked about, much to Dean's discomfort. He knew that there was more to them than friendship, than love even, but he had brushed it off, assuming it had something to do with Castiel having brought him back, saving his soul quite literally. He had never been willing to admit the truth, even to himself.

Now... Now his feelings for Castiel were all he had left. There was no one left to judge him- nothing to be afraid of. He had no reason not to admit it.

He loved Castiel. As they kissed, hot breath mingling between them, Castiel's hands on his waist, pulling him closer- it felt right. Through the pain he felt- the all-encompassing sorrow, he felt something else...

He felt a spark of hope flickering in his chest. There was still something to hold onto. The vice grip that he had on Castiel was the only thing keeping him sane- even at the thought of letting go he could feel himself losing it.

Dean pushed his body up, needing to be closer- needing to feel Castiel, every inch of him, against his own body. His hands pulled at Castiel's coat, dragging it down his arms, forcing Castiel to let go of Dean's hips, only for a moment. As soon as the jacket was on the floor, the angel's hands were on him again, this time running across the skin just under the bottom of his shirt and it set Dean's skin ablaze.

Dean's body had taken control, leaving his mind behind- all the he could think about was getting closer- Connecting. He pushed Castiel back against the floor, tongues still intertwined, heavy breathing filling the air as Dean laid across him, a knee between Castiel's spread legs on the cold floor.

He ground his hips down with more force than was necessary, unable to hold back, entranced by the way that Castiel moaned into his mouth, trying, but failing to maintain their kiss. As Dean rocked, hands on Castiel's hips, guiding their bodies together in a deliciously brutal way, his lips moved down, wanting to give Castiel the freedom to vocalize, to let Dean know that he wasn't the only one that yearned for the other's touch.

He sunk his teeth into the skin of Castiel's neck, their stubble rubbing in an uncomfortable way, but Dean couldn't stop. He needed to feel; pleasure, pain- all of it. Anything to distract him from the sense of loss that threatened to overtake him at any moment.

Castiel's hips met Dean's every time, his own hands pulling Dean down, supporting the pace that he had set. Castiel didn't have much knowledge about sex or intimacy, but he trusted Dean completely and unconditionally- following his lead, admittedly becoming addicted to the feelings that were so new to him, yet felt so familiar.

There was a time when Castiel wouldn't have been able to feel anything, emotional or physical, but that was before Dean- when he was nothing but a soldier of Heaven. Dean taught him about free will and emotion- what it meant to be human. He understood the concept of emotions and had some experience with them, but it had never been like it was with Dean.

Castiel could feel his heart pounding like it was trying to escape, and his hands were shaking. He was trying to steady himself using Dean as an anchor, but the mere brush of dean's hot skin against his fingertips made his head rush. He felt as if the world were spinning around them.

Castiel never would have thought that he could feel that way- like he was on fire and he wouldn't stop it for the world. When he felt Dean's teeth latching onto him, his nails dug into Dean's skin, gasping at the growl that escaped the hunter.

Dean's hands began to work Castiel's pants, trying to undo them and slide them down without losing any of the delicious friction that was barely enough to satiate his cravings. He gave up quickly, not willing to lose the contact for the moment, instead choosing to tear at Castiel's shirt, buttons flying across the room.

Dean grabbed Castiel's tie, using it to pull the man up, their lips connecting once again- slower, but no less intense. One hand firmly on the tie, his other slid the shirt down, Castiel helping to remove it. Dean's fingers slid inside the knot off the tie and he pulled, loosening it until it fell away.

Castiel sat up on his elbows, off balance as Dean forced his hands up to remove his white cotton undershirt. Dean let Castiel sink back down to the floor, sitting back a bit to take in the sight as his hands worked the front of Castiel's pants open.

It took all of Castiel's coordination to focus on kicking his shoes off while Dean touched him, scrambling his brain. He didn't understand how something as simple as a touch could make him feel so out of control- of his body and his mind. The way that Dean was stroking him, all he could do was arch into it, silently begging for him to continue.

With Castiel's clothing off, strewn across the room, Dean repositioned himself between Castiel's legs, hands on his thighs, pushing them apart as he looked down at him. Castiel's body was leaner than Dean's, his hip bones jutting out slightly, but still he was muscular- strong and solid. His chest was rising and falling quickly as shallow breaths escaped his full, swollen lips. His head was tilted back, resting against the floor, his lust-filled eyes heavy, almost closed as he looked up at Dean looking down at him.

Dean was rock hard, wondering to himself if he would be able to stop if Castiel told him to. By the looks of it, however, Castiel was just as wanton as him, his cock swollen and glistening. As he reached down to stroke him, a thought occurred to him.

Did Castiel understand what they were doing? Sure, his body was responding, but his body was human, after all. His body was also a devout Christian man that had probably never had sex with anyone but his wife. Castiel probably hadn't had sex with anyone at all... For all intents and purposes of what they were about to do, Castiel was a virgin.

The thought of being the only man to ever touch Castiel was enough to make him forget about the possibility that he was taking complete advantage of the angel, telling himself that Castiel was strong enough and forward enough to tell him to stop if he wanted to.

But would he, really?

Castiel would do anything for Dean, they both knew it- but did that include letting Dean use his body to escape his pain?

Probably.

He should have felt bad about dismissing that thought, but he didn't. If Castiel would let him, then Dean wouldn't complain or question it. He would never hurt Castiel, he would make it feel good for him, wanting to hear the moans that he could elicit, giving him pleasure like nothing the angel had ever felt before, or likely ever would again.

As Dean's thumb ran across his sentsitive slit, Castiel's hips bucked, trying to gain more contact since Dean had pulled his body and his lips away. "Aah- Dean!" Castiel couldn't finish a thought, unable to process the feelings that were being caused by Dean's hands touching him. "Nngh.."

Dean leaned back in, lips brushing against Castiel's pulling back slowly when Castiel tried to push closer to him, denying him solid contact. Groans of frustration filled the air as Castiel tried again to kiss Dean, wanting to taste him, to feel him. Castiel was about to give up when Dean's head came down against his, pressing him against the floor with the force of their connection, almost unable to breath, but unwilling to part from Dean for something so trivial as air.

Castiel was so distracted by the taste of Dean and the unrelenting pressure against his lips, that he almost didn't notice the wet finger pressing against him, sliding into his body with little resistance. The noise that he made as he felt Dean moving inside him was downright pornographic as it barely managed to escape their liplock.

Dean rocked his clothed hip against Castiel's bare one, using the leverage of his body to push his finger further, twisting and curling as much as he was able. He would never risk hurting Castiel, no matter how badly he needed it- And god, he needed it.

He moved to stroke Castiel again, collecting the clear liquid that had begun dripping its way down Castiel's shaft, coating his fingers before approaching his entrance again. He felt Castiel tense against him as they slid in, requiring more effort than the one, but moving freely once they were inside.

As his fingers contorted, Castiel was writhing underneath him, hands digging into the fabric of Dean's shirt, hips rolling to meet the pulsing movement of Dean moving within him. If he'd known that being human meant feeling this, maybe he would have rebelled sooner.

Dean pulled back slightly, adding a third finger before Castiel could protest his absence. He could feel the man's shoulders tense underneath him as the angel hissed into his mouth, teeth pulling at his bottom lip. "Relax." Dean's tongue moved to flick across the soft, stubbly flesh below Castiel's ear, slowing the motion of his fingers.

As much as Dean wanted to continue kissing Castiel until they both passed out, he turned his attention to the other man's neck, needing to be able to hear if Castiel was going to protest. No one had ever touched him the way that Dean was touching him and even if it didn't hurt him enough to say something, now was the time that he would freak out if he was going to. They were arriving at the point of no return and Dean wanted to be clear about Castiel's consent when they crossed it.

Dean could feel him relaxing, doing as he was told- taking orders like it's what he was made to do, which technically it was. Somehow, he didn't think this was what God had in mind when he made angels, but Dean wasn't complaining. Feeling the tightness flexing around his fingers, hearing the rough grunts rolling across his skin as he listened to Castiel coming undone, Dean couldn't wait any longer.

His hands pulled back, much to Castiel's displeasure, sitting back on his heels just long enough to undo his belt and push down his pants and boxers. Even just those few seconds away from Castiel's body felt like an eternity, there was no way he was going to waste time fully undressing himself. Instead, he opted to leave his jeans on, resting just above his knees as he slid back into place against Castiel's sweat-dampened body, fitting against the other man like they'd always been that way- made for each other.

Dean rested his forehead against Castiel's, eyes locked as he rolled his hips forward, sliding into the pliant body below him, so slowly it was maddening. He watched as the angel's eyes flickered closed, his chest rising up as he took a deep breath in. Dean kept on hand on Castiel's inner thigh to keep him from moving abruptly, while the other took hold of Castiel's neck, thumb rubbing across his cheek as their ragged breaths mingled. "Y'okay?"

As Castiel nodded, attempting to speak, but coming up with nothing more than a shaky sigh, Dean began to sink all the way into him, one excrutiatingly slow inch after another. He stopped when he was fully seated, having to take a few calming gulps of air himself.

He buried his face in Castiel's shoulder. "Oh, God..." Even the fires of Hell were nothing compared to the heat that he felt as Castiel held him, their bodies merging into one, connecting in a way that Dean had never thought possible.

"Dean..." His knuckles were white with how tight he was clenching the muscles of Dean's back, his breathing jagged and uneven as he tried to speak. "Please don't- Ah..." His breath caught in his throat as Dean shifted slightly, propping himself up on an elbow. "Don't say my father's nam- Mmm- While we... Ngh- Do this."

No matter how serious and intimate the situation was, there was nothing that could have kept Dean from smiling, looking down at the debauched angel below him. It was such a ridiculously Castiel thing to say and at such an inopportune moment.

The corners of his lips turned up as he stared at Castiel, once again he felt a hint of hope sneaking its way into his chest. For a few moments, he didn't think about how long they would have together before Castiel went back to his own mission, or before he was dead, or just gone... In that small amount of time, Dean just looked at him and felt him and everything was okay.

He leaned down, lips melding together again, but this time it was more gentle- deeper, as Dean began to move, still slowly enough to make him crazy. The muscles in Castiel's legs tensed under his touch as his back lifted off of the floor, trying to push back against Dean, wanting to feel more.

Feeling Castiel's body eagerly writhing against his own, he began to move faster, still opting for deep thrusts, pulling almost all of the way out each time, shivering as Castiel's body takes him in over and over again. Their mouths rest against each other's, fallen open, not in control enough of their own bodies to maintain solid contact, but still craving the taste and wetness of the other.

Dean murmured sweet nonsense into Castiel's parted lips, taking in return every salacious moan that Castiel had to offer, each one fueling the fire inside of him to rock harder and with more haste. Their bodies, coated in a sheen of sweat, shifted against one another and it seemed as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room.

Castiel could barely breathe between the weight of Dean on top of him and the fire setting him alight from the inside out. He had never felt anything like it before, like he was going to explode. He gripped Dean tighter, an uncertain whine escaping his lips, honestly not sure what was happening to him. He had never lost control of his vessel before, but he could feel it now, every ounce of discipline- of rational thought he'd ever possessed, was gone.

"Shh..." Dean's hand slid from Castiel's thigh, up and around, settling at the small of his back, helping lift Castiel to meet his thrusts. "It's okay. Let go." He knew that his angel was close, shoving into him harder, doing everything in his power to help him reach his release. He arched his own back, trapping Castiel's cock between their bodies, feeling it pulse against his abdomen as he finally let go.

Feeling Castiel tightening around him as he came, his entire body convulsing as he struggled to ride out the waves of pleasure, was all that Dean needed. It was almost too much for him, the look of pure, unadulterated lust and the sound that Castiel made as he reached his first orgasm. It was so heavenly and yet it was easily the most sinful thing that Dean had ever experienced.

"Fuck..." Dean groaned, grinding his teeth into Castiel's shoulder, trying to keep himself from crying out, only barely succeeding. His movements reluctantly slowed; After a few languid thrusts, he somewhat unwillingly pulled out, both of them whining at the loss of contact, Dean hissing as the cold air hit him.

He didn't bother tucking himself back in, instead deciding to rest himself next to Castiel, his head on the angel's shoulder, both of their chests still heaving. He closed his eyes as he felt Castiel's arms wrap around him, letting himself get lost in the euphoria that he knew wouldn't last long, wanting to savor every minute of it before the real world came crashing down on him once again.

Castiel stared down at him, his mind hazy from whatever it was that they had just done. He knew about sex, Dean had made him watch several videos about it, but that couldn't have been what that was. There was no way that any other person had ever experienced something like that before, he was sure of it.

What they had done was not simply two bodies coming together, but two souls; and he felt more than ever that he had to protect Dean- To stay with him, by his side. No other mission, heavenly or otherwise could be more important than that.

But what could he really do for Dean? Even if he abandoned his duties in heaven and stayed with Dean, loved him until the end of time, he couldn't bring back the people that he had lost. He couldn't reunite Dean and Sam and he couldn't take Dean away from his responsibilities as a hunter.

He was too late to help Dean have any real chance of happiness in this life. He closed his eyes, hand running through Dean's hair. He wanted to give Dean a better life, but was it possible?

He didn't know, but he was pretty sure he knew someone that would.

Pleeeease review! As much as I love follows and favourites, nothing is as wonderful as a review (Even a short, small one!). I am really proud of this story and of the last few stories that I have done, but they are not really getting many reviews and it's very disheartening.

I don't like it when authors ransom chapters, refusing to post until they get so many reviews, because I want you to WANT to review. I will never ransom a story, but I may honestly not have the motivation to continue if you guys don't let me know what you think. Even if it's just a smiley face or "Please continue" or "I love it!" every review makes me happy and inspires me to continue.

Thank you so much!