Author's Notes: Ooh, boy this chapter was seriously almost the death of me. I don't think I've ever had as much trouble getting my thoughts out on this story (except perhaps for the Leo chapter). Anywho, angst ahead sprinkled with some sweet moments as well and some actual plot development. Crazy, right? This might be the last chapter for this story, (I have a possible epilogue but that might get pushed over to the next one) but fear not I have more things planned for the future of this little universe if you feel like sticking with me :0) I can promise you awkward smutty times, some Raph/Casey shenanigans, the return of Dr. Feinstein, perhaps some much deserved lovin' for Mikey and if I can get my ducks in a row some actual development for Leonardo.

Enjoy! And a big thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story for this long. Seriously, you guys rock.

Chapter 21

Click. Click. Click.

It should feel good to be in my lab. This is where I live. This is where I belong. I've been home for days now, but I still can't shake the lingering fear and anxiety that lurks behind every thought. The daytime is easier. I throw myself into my work like I always have. The files I stole from the security console are taking longer to sift through than I originally anticipated. I don't mind. It gives me something to focus on, keeps me busy. I need to stay busy. It makes the days easier and the night anything but.

When the computer screen has faded to black and I don't have the calming, repetitive click of the keyboard to distract me I'm left at the mercy of my own thoughts. The squirming black cloud I manage to hold at a distance while I work wraps around me and makes my chest tighten until breathing becomes a struggle and my skin seems to burn from the heat of my shame. Mikey stays with me. He doesn't make me ask for the company, for which I am grateful. I want him there, I need him there, but my pride and my shame keep me from saying it out loud.

I shouldn't let the fear win out. I shouldn't let her continue to hurt me when I'm home, safe and in one piece. She can't hurt me here. I'm safe. I know this. Logically I know that if I'm alone in my room and I close my eyes there won't be someone waiting to pounce. I'm home. I'm safe and yet the thought of letting my guard down, of drifting off to sleep without one of my brothers keeping watch fills me with a fear so bright and all-encompassing that it makes my body tremble from the force of it.

I should be in control. A ninja is always in control of his mind and body, but I am not. Far from it, and the truth of that realization only sends my shame burning brighter, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I try to hide it. It's easier in the daylight when the shadows and darkness don't trick me into thinking I'm camouflaged. In the darkness when I can no longer hold back the tears that threaten to push past my reserve throughout the day. Mikey won't say anything. He won't tell anyone how far from in control I've slipped. I'm grateful for his silence, but it doesn't make any of it all right. It doesn't excuse my behavior.

It doesn't make you any less pathetic.

I take in a long, slow breath. In through my nose and out through my mouth, just as Master Splinter taught me. It settles the worst of my thoughts after a few more breathes and when I open my eyes I spot Mikey watching me with concern. He's sitting on the ground in front of the small television I hooked up to his game console, his controller dangling from his hand forgotten. I offer a shaky smile that does little to alleviate the distraught look in his eyes. He knows me better than that.

"I've found the company's financial records," I say, hoping if I start a conversation he won't ask if I'm all right. "Seems they've been selling some of the tech and communications they intercepted from the Kraang to less than reputable buyers. I'm sure the authorities would love to have that information."

Mikey nods and his face squirms into an empathetic grimace. "I don't think the Kraang will be too pleased about that either."

Not too pleased at all.

I blink and I feel the ever-present weight on my chest lift ever so slightly. "No…I can't think that they will be," I say quietly. A chuckle escapes my mouth and I feel as surprised as Mikey looks to hear it. "Maybe they'll go after the company."

Maybe they'll go after her.

"Maybe who will go after the company?" Raph asks from the doorway.

"The Kraang," Mikey replies. "Once they realize they've been selling their tech and secrets to the highest bidder."

"Huh," Raph grumbles.

He starts to hobble over to the computer desk, letting out a snort of bitter laughter in an attempt to hide the pinched look of pain on his face. "Would serve her right," he says, slowly easing himself into the chair beside mine. "Hope they blow up the whole building."

Click, click, click.

"I'll send this stuff to the proper authorities. Let them deal with it," I say, dropping my head to type faster. Raph bites back another grunt of pain. "You shouldn't be out of bed," I say instinctively.

He laughs and pushes my shoulder. "Like you're anyone to be telling me when I should and shouldn't be out of bed."

My face burns with embarrassment and I keep my gaze fixed on the screen. "Fair enough," I mumble, clearing my throat when he laughs again.

I can practically hear Mikey grinning and I'm sure he thinks it's a step in the right direction that we're laughing and teasing one another. Maybe he's right. It is certainly better than the alternative. Raph snaps his fingers and motions for Mikey to hand him the other controller. Soon they're engaged in a rather heated battle of Super Smash Brothers and I return to my work with their colorful commentary as welcomed background noise. I lose myself in the work. Sending off the damning financial records to any law enforcement and governmental agency I think might take an interest while covering my tracks. I stick to the shadows, just like Master Splinter taught us. I sit up straight, cracking my stiff neck and resisting the urge to roll my eyes at the sight of Raph's subdued victory dance; always the gracious winner.

"You guys hungry?" I ask, pushing away from the desk with a squeal of protest from my old chair.

"We can't eat yet," Mikey says, too loud and too fast for the response to be anything but suspicious.

"Why not?" I ask slowly, narrowing my eyes and giving him my best disapproving Leo look.

He squirms and stares down at the controller in his hands. "Uh, I dunno," he mumbles. "I'm not hungry."

"You're always hungry," I say, crossing my arms and tapping my foot.

He squirms some more and chews on his bottom lip. "Not always," he replies, instantly losing his credibility when his stomach gives a loud rumble. "I promised her I wouldn't tell!" he says, slapping his hand over his mouth to stop from saying anything else.

"Come on, let's go watch T.V.," Raph mutters, draping his arm over my shoulders. "Just act surprised when April gets here."

I haven't seen April since that night and the promise of a reunion is enough to start a soft fluttering in my chest. I must be grinning because Raph rolls his eyes and lightly smacks me upside the back of the head.

"Nice poker face, lover boy," he says with a snort, turning a warning stare at Mikey who obviously intends to help him stand. "I can do it myself."

"You sure about that?" Mikey asks, wincing as Raph bites back a grunt of pain.

He slides under Raph's good arm and slowly helps him to his feet. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you needed help," he says with a cheeky grin that earns him a growled 'shut up, Mikey,' for his troubles.

I follow close behind. My steps still slightly guarded as my joints and muscles haven't lost all of their aches and pains, but at least I can move on my own. I feel a small sense of pride at my mobility. It's not much, but it's an improvement and I will take what I can get these days. The couch is still a welcomed sight and I sink down onto the lumpy cushions and hug a pillow to my chest. Mikey eases Raph down beside me before rolling over to the television to snag the remote. We settle into one of those old, corny horror movies with the giant bugs and cardboard buildings. My eyelids grow heavy and my head drops down against my chest. I look up with a start at the sound of the turn-style.

April!

I turn around, gripping the back of the coach and knocking Raph's feet off my lap in the process. Leo, April and Casey make their way through the turn-style bundled up against the cold and their arms full of grocery bags. I feel a grin work its way across my face again. Snowflakes still cling to the purple winter hat covering April's hair and I barely resist the urge to leap over the couch and twirl her in the air.

"Hope you guys are hungry," Casey says, shaking the snow from his hair like a dog ridding its fur of water. "We've got enough food for an army."

Mikey scrambles over his makeshift nest on the floor, hurrying over to them to investigate the food. He takes the bags from April's arms and she offers a smile and thank you in gratitude. She unfurls the scarf from her neck as she walks towards the couch. I sit up, keeping my eyes open until our lips touch. The kiss is brief and sweet and leaves a lingering hint of her scent on my skin.

"Hey," she says quietly, her snow-chilled skin turning pink under her freckles. "How are you?"

"Better now that you're here," I reply, ignoring the snort of laughter from Raph.

"Move over," Casey says, vaulting over the back of the couch to sit next to my brother.

They share a series of half-hearted punches and insults before ending in a head-butt and shared growl.

It's like being at a zoo.

"Help me with dinner," April says, her hand searching out my own.

Mikey and Leo are already in the kitchen when we get there. Mikey has an apron tied around his waist and is excitedly pawing through the grocery bags.

"Any trouble topside?" I ask Leo, my anxiety making an unwelcomed return.

"All quiet," he says with a shake of his head.

He pulls out a rather pungent wedge of cheese and places it on a tray next to a waiting teacup. "Mikey and I will patrol tonight," he adds when Mikey pouts in response. "Just a quick sweep. We need to get back into a routine."

I don't disagree. Nice, boring routine sounds peaceful compared to the turmoil of the last couple months. Leo waits for the water to boil before filling the small, clay pot beside the teacup and heaving the tray into his arms. I'm sure Master Splinter will appreciate the cheese, but I can't say I'm not happy when Leo takes the stinky food out of the kitchen. I take a seat on one of the stools and watch Mikey and April unpack the rest of the food and animatedly discuss their plan of action for cooking. I laugh as Mikey goes into a very detailed argument for why we should start the meal with dessert, complete with shadow puppets.

"Guys! Get in here!" Raph bellows, making us all jump and April drop a jar of pickles.

The mess forgotten we all hurry into the other room. I assume the worst and any calm I felt with April's presence leaves in a rush. My chest tightens and I grip her hand as we walk. Raph and Casey are both sitting on the edge of the couch, gawking at the television with matching blank stares. On screen a well-coifed news anchor is blathering on about the state budget.

"What's with all the yelling?" Leo demands, practically marching out of the dojo with a disapproving scowl on his face.

"Shut it," Raph snaps with a wave of his hand. "They said they're going to talk about her."

He doesn't say her name. He doesn't have to. We all know who he means. My chest tightens further and I struggle to take in my next breath. April's grip tightens as well and she moves to stand closer. I try to focus on the warmth of her at my side and force a slow breath in through my nose.

"It's going to be all right," she whispers, giving my hand a squeeze.

The picture cuts away from the news anchor to a reporter on the street in front of building I am not ready to see. I can't focus on his words, his voice fading into a low buzz. I want to turn away. I look down at April's hand in mine and try to steady my breathing.

"Oh my God," she murmurs and I force myself to lift my gaze up to the screen.

I take in a sharp breath. The reporter is gone, replaced by footage of Amelia Zhao being ushered through a crowd by several dour-faced men and women in flak jackets and sunglasses. She tries to cover her face as she ducks into a squad car amongst the shouts of gathered reporters and the flash of cameras. The picture cuts back to the reporter and I try to focus on his words.

"The Zhao Brandt Corporation has yet to comment on these new criminal allegations as their CEO Amelia Zhao has been brought in for questioning."

"Looks like Kurtzman's contact at the station took the story and ran with it," Casey says with a nervous laugh. "She's gotta be so pissed to be hustled into that squad car."

"Deserves worse," Raph growls, both of his hands balled into fists.

"She'll get worse once they sift through all that stuff Donnie sent them," Mikey says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Even her fancy lawyers can't argue against all that evidence."

A rush settles on my ears and my vision shrinks to a point. I have to get away. I pull my hand from April's grasp and stagger on increasingly unsteady legs to my lab. I can feel them watching me. I don't care. I don't offer an explanation. I couldn't if I wanted to. I struggle to close the door behind me, leaving it half-open as I rush over to my computer desk. I fall to my knees and press into the space under the desk, pulling my knees up to my chest. I can't breathe.

She's going to get you. What were you thinking? Of course she's going to retaliate. This was stupid, you're stupid. She's going to capture you and lock you back up in that tank where you belong; monster, freak.

"Donnie?"

Then she's going to kill your family and it will be all your fault.

"Donnie."

I recoil at the feel of skin against mine, the start causing me to let out the breath I've been holding. April's face comes into focus and I pant and stammer and curse the feel of warm tears sliding down my face. She inches forward and wraps her arms around me as best she can in the small space. I bury my face in the crook of her neck to breath in her scent and hide my shame.

"It's all right," she murmurs, her kisses feather-light against the side of my face. "It's all right. We're safe and that horrible woman is going to get what's coming to her."

I don't know how long we stay there huddled together. I don't want to let go. I don't want to face everyone after breaking down so completely, but I can't escape the inevitable. I lean back with a sniffle, unable to look her in the eye. My body aches from tensing my muscles and exhaustion plagues even the slightest of my movements. Her hand lingers on the side of my face and I nuzzle against the touch.

"I…I'm sorry," I whisper.

"You don't have anything to apologize for," she replies, brushing her thumb along the skin just beneath my mask. "It's going to take some time, but you'll get through this," she leans in to rest her forehead against mine. "I'll help in any way I can and your brothers and Master Splinter, we're all here for you. You don't have to go through this alone, Donatello."

I nod and swallow past the lump in my throat. I try to muster a reply, but the words come out a stuttering mess so I settle on another nod. She leans in to kiss me and I meet her lips with a sigh.

"I love you," she says quietly, the words mingled with a sigh of her own.

I cup her head with my hand, the scars along my wrist and thumb looking all the more gruesome when contrasted with her beauty. Those three small words settle the tremble in my limbs and something close to happiness builds in my chest. She's right, of course she's right. I'm not alone. I'm home, safe with a family that loves me. She can't hurt me anymore, only if I let her. Only if I let the dark thoughts win out. I can be in control. I can get through this. I have help and there's no shame in taking it. I need her to know, to understand. I'm not broken. I can get through this. It will not get the better of me. Everything is going to be all right.

"I love you," I reply and add with a resolute nod. "I got this…we got this."

She smiles and the dark thoughts scurry just a little further away. She leans forward and meets my determined gaze with one of her own. "There you are," she says in quiet awe.

There I am.