Gentle readers, it's been a long time, hasn't it? I haven't meant to leave you alone, but these chapters are hard for me to write. However, the muse in her infinite wisdom designed to spark my imagination with a new story (some of you have already read it, called Once and Again) and because of that, it got my fingers itching for another installment of this one. I know you'll tell me what you think when you're done. This story will probably sometimes weave in and out with what is canon, but since I'm not really watching the show anymore, at times it will deviate. It's still a meditation on me working out this complicated Olitz relationship. Thanks for coming on the ride with me.

Chapter 10

"You're expensive." Olivia sat across from her therapist Brenda expectantly.

"I am," Brenda agreed, "And even more-so for you," she continued, "because you like to have these sessions at your home and at odd hours."

"I'm an odd-hours kind of gal. But, to your point, my work is demanding and it can at times be distracting. I'm sorry I've missed our last few sessions."

"Are you?" Brenda's expression was curt and Olivia was a little surprised.

"Do you doubt my sincerity?"

"No," Brenda said with a sigh. "And you'll have to forgive my frustration, but I've been showing up for sessions and you haven't been. I know your work is serious, believe me I respect it. But this is for you—not for me—and I have to wonder if you are letting things go because of the, well frankly, the public progress of the relationship of the President and his significant other."

Olivia felt as though she had been punched in the gut. Brenda had never been one to sugarcoat things in their sessions, but she usually let Olivia come to things more gently and slowly than this. Olivia took a deep breath and responded.

"I have to admit that I thought I'd be better by now." Olivia folded her hands neatly in her lap. "I didn't think that I would need you this long."

"What do you think would happen?" Brenda asked.

"I thought that you would write me a prescription to help me sleep and feel less insane, which you did, and it does."

Brenda nodded. "And?"

"And I thought by now that Fitz would be finished with Maddie and we'd be back to whatever it is that we do," she let out with a great sigh. "And that would have to be enough to get me to the next breakdown," Olivia finished with a half-hearted chuckle. "Because that is what we do."

"Have you seen or spoken to the President?"

"No."

"And what about Jake?"

"I've seen him, yes."

"And has your romantic relationship resumed?"

"No. He would like more, and I'm dealing with that."

"How are you dealing with it? Be specific."

Olivia groaned and threw her hands up. "Fine, I slept with someone I met in a bar. And it turns out he was a plant by my father to keep an eye on me, and report back on my activities. Just like Jake was a plant by Fitz. The men in my life can't seem to trust me to let them in, so they spy and stalk and lie to me."

Brenda observed Olivia for a few moments before speaking carefully. "This seems to be a gross invasion of privacy and extreme mistrust. Your father must be extremely manipulative to send men to sleep with you in order to spy on you."

"You don't know the half," Olivia insisted. "And really, that's enough talk about my father."

"In my opinion a girl can't do too much talking about her father," Brenda countered. "They're the men who we love first. They're the men who teach us how to love."

Olivia stood up then, visibly uncomfortable. "My father doesn't love me at all." Olivia walked to the other side of the room, holding her arms across her chest in a self-protective stance.

"Don't move away from the feeling," Brenda urged, moving to the edge of her seat, but giving Olivia space. "Tell me what that means, that your father doesn't love you. Does that mean you don't know how to love men?"

Olivia whirled around on her. "That's not true!"

"I didn't say it was," Brenda said. "I asked YOU the question. I'm pushing you, because you need this, Olivia. Remember what we said?"

Olivia huffed and didn't reply.

"Nothing changes," Brenda began, urging Olivia to finish. She repeated herself. "Olivia, nothing changes?"

"If nothing changes," Olivia sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She turned around and plopped back down on the couch. "Do I not know how to love people? Men?" Olivia was incredulous as she let the thoughts come down.

"I didn't say that, and I don't think that's true," Brenda added gently. "From what I have seen and heard, you love very deeply. But that doesn't mean that you have a completely realized picture of what it means to love a man, what it means to accept love, and what it means to stay in situations that make you uncomfortable. We've already identified your pattern of running away."

"I'm working on that," Olivia said. "It's evidenced in the fact that I haven't cancelled these very expensive and irregular sessions."

Both Brenda and Olivia laughed loudly then, the sound deescalating the tension that had been rapidly growing in the room.

"I don't know what to do," Olivia sighed. "I feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty. I can sleep with whomever I choose."

"You can."

"I'm not married."

"You're not."

"It shouldn't matter."

"But it does. It does matter, Olivia. If you were choosing relationships of your own volition, without manipulation, and without being attached to other men, then it absolutely would not matter how often and who you choose to share your bed with. But these decisions are affecting you adversely by your own admission. In addition to what we discussed about intentional celibacy, I want to introduce a concept to you called living amends."

"I don't owe anyone an apology," Olivia said waving a hand resolutely.

"I didn't say that you did. This is a concept about continuing to not owe anyone an apology. Living your life in such a way that you make responsible thoughtful decisions that don't cause you to feel guilty."

Olivia sighed and Brenda pursed her lips together.

"You like it when I'm direct with you, yes?"

"I appreciate your candor," Olivia said. "I do the same thing with my clients. It's a waste of time to coddle people when they've asked for your help."

"I'm glad you agree," Brenda said. "I'm going to share something with you. I had an affair when I was married before. I will spare you the details because this is not my therapy session. But it is the one thing I would undo if I could do it. The men in your life are not going to wait around forever for you and I don't think they are going to share you, frankly. No one, not you, not Jake, not the President, and not even your father can move on with their lives while you are in this state of indecision. Make a decision, Olivia, even if it's the wrong one. But be resolute. Stop sending them mixed messages while you decide what you want."

"I thought about what you said last time," Olivia replied, "about me punishing Fitz and making him wait because he made me wait."

"And what do you think about that now?"

"I didn't like the idea of that because I've always acted in his best interest—always," Olivia said, "until this last time. I did something for myself and I'm the one that ended up the most hurt of all. But I hurt him too, and now I feel that there's no coming back from that, if I'm being honest. I don't think he can forgive me and I really don't want that confirmed."

"You've forgiven each other so much," Brenda replied. "Just from what you've shared with me, you've given each other a great deal of love and support. Don't diminish that."

Olivia shook her head, becoming very emotional. "I think he's done with me."

"Well, if that's true," Brenda said gently, "all the more reason for you to do what I'm about to suggest."

Olivia wiped her eyes and steeled herself, the focus she was used to giving her clients now applied to herself.

"It's been a while since you communicated with the President. Instead of deciding for him what he thinks, as you've evidently done in the past, why don't you simply try spending some time with him?"

"What if he won't let me?" the desperation on her own voice alarmed Olivia.

"Then that's an answer," Brenda said. "But it's not about the answer. It's about you doing the work of being vulnerable to him. Give him the courtesy of deciding for himself whether or not he wants you in his life."

"He has conditions," Olivia said. "He wants me to live a public life with him and I don't know if I want that."

"Olivia, you're so not even there yet," Brenda nudged gently. "Once the two of you get past the pain in your life and restore a little balance to your relationship, who knows how either one of you, will feel? This is about building a muscle and having a new history with all the men in your life. You can have them in your life on your own terms and you can respect theirs. If Fitz doesn't love you, you are not going to die. If your father doesn't love you, you are not going to die. Remember nothing changes…?"

"If nothing changes," Olivia said.

"Our time is up," Brenda added gently as she stood. "You're doing good work Olivia. Please do yourself the favor of continuing it."

Later that night, Olivia poured herself a glass of wine and sat it on the nightstand just in case. She had not dialed this number in more than a month and she felt absolutely insane doing it now.

"Nothing changes," Olivia whispered to herself as she took a deep breath and dialed. She had spent a great deal of the day thinking about whether or not she wanted to even work on this with Fitz. Did she want to do the work of getting over him, or did she want to do the work of getting back together with him? It seemed that she was going to have to do that work no matter what he did or said, and that gave her enough courage to pick up the phone now.

"Cyrus Beene."

"Cy," Olivia said with a smile. "I need a favor. Can you get me access to Camp David?"

"Good morning, Mr. President." Olivia extended a cordial hand for the benefits of the agents she didn't recognize as Fitz ushered her inside.

"I have to admit, Olivia, I'm surprised to see you here. I thought I made myself clear the last time we spoke."

"You did. But I'm taking a leap."

"You mean you're ignoring what I said and doing what you want anyway?" Fitz sat down and opened the newspaper. "I'm on my imaginary vacation."

"Don't be mean. I can't take it right now."

"What do you want, Olivia?"

"I just want to be near you, is that so horrible? We used to be friends; we used to have so much to say to each other. About everything, you know? So much has happened in the world, I want to know what you think. I want you to know what I think. I want to talk to you, and laugh with you, and hear your terrible jokes. I just want to be around you, Fitz. I miss you."

He sighed. He was prepared for a rebuttal but he was frankly just exhausted of fighting her.

"Well, Maddie and I were going to hike up to the top of Skyline trail today," Fitz said.

Olivia flinched at the mention of the other woman spending any time with Fitz here.

"She's running behind and won't be here until tomorrow, so I was going to go without her. Would you like to join me instead?"

"Yes," Olivia said letting out a deep breath. "I just need to change my shoes and clothes."

"Well I think I still have some things in your size, here." He reached into the chest that sat behind the couch on which they'd been sitting, and found some things for her.

Her expression told Fitz how touched she was by the gesture, glad he hadn't gotten rid of the boots and hoped it was purposeful instead of an oversight.

On the hike neither one of them spoke. The agents moved quietly surrounding them, present but distant. Olivia's breath caught in her throat when she looked at the amazing view when they finally reached the top. The hike had been strenuous, but in the end not as difficult as she'd imagined. She didn't have her phone with her, and she wasn't so concerned about her hair and her make up. The mood between them was lighter, and she heard Brenda's voice in her ear.

Nothing about the prospect of them getting back together was going to be easy, but it was a beginning.

"What are you thinking about?" Fitz asked searching her face.

"Honestly?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah."

"Whether or not you still love me. Whether or not I still love you? How you'll ever come to forgive me, how we'll ever get past my father, and whether or not there's any wine back at the cabin and whether or not you're going to ask me to stay the night."

"And if I did, what would you say?"

Olivia smirked.