Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

Living With Despair

Chapter 4

Despair. That was all he could feel as he kneeled on the ground, a gray cloud of this despair floating over him. It was not supposed to end this way. Next to him was Bickslow who was in the same state of despair as he was.

"How do we know Evergreen isn't your cohort with this and really does like strawberry cake now?" Bickslow protested, causing Gray to perk up as well.

Laxus silently pointed over to the bar counter where Evergreen had two pieces of strawberry cake in front of her, leaving Gray and Bickslow to fall back down into their depressed, moaning states. This could not be happening. Sure, Gray could see Evergreen not bowing down to Erza's scary threats and lectures about the greatness of strawberry cake, but for her to actually like it which would allow Laxus to win the bet?! No! He could not see that at all! It was all wrong.

Erza sat next to her, nodding in a very serious manner. "It's good to see you have learned the errors of your way."

"How did this happen?" Gray moaned after having heard Erza. Now he was going to have to work extra hard to get money for his rent and to pay for a month of Laxus's rent.

"So, which one of you is paying my rent for next month?" Laxus asked with a smirk as he stood behind the two despairing mages.

*Natsu*

Was this man really Liam? Natsu had to keep repeating that question to himself as he took in the man in front of him. It definitely smelled like Liam, but he looked so different and his whole self was radiating, not shyness and kindness anymore, but confidence mixed with anger. It was never something he would have expected from someone like Liam. And all that anger shining in his eyes was directed right at Natsu, but somehow, that part didn't surprise Natsu.

"Why, Natsu?" Liam shouted again.

"Why what, Liam?" Natsu asked confused.

Liam's hands closed into tight fists at his side as they trembled with the urge to punch Natsu in the face. "Why…Why can't you just die already?!" He screamed so loudly that his question ended up echoing around the two and Natsu's ears heard the question clearly every single time it echoed.

Natsu blinked and resisted the urge to back up a step in surprise at the question. Why couldn't he just die already? Was this person in front of him really Liam? The shy, soft-spoken twin of Samarra? That didn't seem right. Shy and kind were the words used to describe Liam. Not anger like he was radiating right now.

"What are you talking about, Liam?" Natsu asked, frowning as he took in the Agni heir in front of him. The last time he saw him was two years before the incident on Tenrou Island, and back then, he never showed such anger towards Natsu. He was just really quiet. A lot quieter than he was before his sister's death. But somewhere along the line in the past nine years, he took a much darker turn if the hatred and anger shining so clearly in those blue orbs were anything to go by.

Liam stared across the destroyed hall at Natsu; neither moved as they took the other in. After what seemed like ages, but was in reality only a few minutes, Liam breathed out slowly and let his hands loosen and fall out of their fists. "Father is wrong." He said quietly, but Natsu still picked up the sound of his voice with his heightened hearing. "It's the same thing every YEAR!" A quick angry step forward by Liam had Natsu narrowing his eyes as Liam continued in a much louder voice. "Every year he says the same thing about how it wasn't your fault and how he doesn't blame you for what happened to Samarra. He is wrong! It was all your fault! If you never came here…if you never took Samarra with you…None of this would have happened! It's your fault my sister died!"

"So…you're saying you would rather still be under that bastard's rule?" Natsu asked.

"If it meant still having my sister by my side, then YES!" Liam shouted the last part angrily as his temper came shining back through.

"If you die, he is just going to kill me anyway since I can't fight. We'll both die at this rate, Natsu. Please, don't let that happen. Please fight to save my city and family. You're the only one who can. This way, only one of us has to die."

"That's not what she wanted." Natsu replied.

"What would you know of it?!" Liam retorted. "You didn't know her. You were here for what? A week before she died?"

Natsu's hands curled into fists. Yes, that was true. He didn't know her for long before she died, but that didn't mean he didn't know her. He talked to her so much about his guild and in return, she told him about her desire to know what a guild was like and about her fiancé. She told him how much she loved her family and the city. It hurt her so much to see the people she grew up with suffering so much because of Tehran. Was that not enough to understand her and what she wanted?

*Eleven years ago*

Walking down the cobbled road, Natsu looked around at the people of the city with a frown. All of them had the same scent of fear and desperation as they called at him to buy something from their stand.

"It's been like this ever since Tehran took over."

Natsu looked ahead at Samarra. "What do you mean?"

"He took control and raised our taxes." Samarra looked over at an alley and grimaced when she saw a woman hiding in the shadows with her child. Her eyes were just wide in fear as she looked around, perhaps afraid that Tehran would show up. "No one can afford them. Families are falling in poverty left and right and losing their homes. Those that are just scraping by are working hard in the market to sell anything to those who can afford to buy something so they have money for the taxes."

"How did he take over? What happened to your mayor?" Natsu asked as he ran up to Samarra to walk by her side.

The older Agni twin closed her eyes for a moment as she sighed and shook her head. "Our mayor is dead. We suspect the work of Tehran, but there was no proof. But seeing as he took over shortly after our mayor's death, it seems most likely it is what happened." She stopped and looked ahead in the distance at a castle at the top of hill. "That's where he resides, Natsu."

Following Samarra's eyes, Natsu looked at the castle with a scowl. So the one who was causing so much pain to the residents of this city was in that castle? He would make the man who was making all these people suffer pay. No one was allowed to cause such torment freely like this and get away with it.

"I hate him."

Looking back at Samarra, Natsu wasn't surprised to see the rage shining in her eyes. This was the man who took her boyfriend from her after all.

"My friends….Keith…they were killed because of him." Samarra muttered bitterly as she looked off to the side. "If not killed by him, then they fall into poverty and lose their homes. One of my friends from school already fell to that. She is living with us for the time being, but I can't offer that help to everyone, Natsu. I can't help every family I see on the street….no matter how much I want to be able to do something for them."

"That's why you sent this job out to get help. It is all you feel you can do to get them help." Natsu replied as he looked down another alley and saw a shadowed figure huddling there. The sight of it was hard to bear. If what Samarra was saying was right, then those people didn't deserve to be living in alleys. They should all have homes and warm beds to return to.

"So you're going to fight him?"

Natsu raised a brow as he turned to look back at her. "You hired me to free your city so fighting Tehran is something I'm going to have to do." He looked up at the castle with an eager smirk as he punched his fist into his hand. He was always ready for a good fight.

They were quiet for a moment before the Agni heir suddenly turned to Natsu with a determined glint in her eyes. "Natsu, when you go to take care of Tehran, I want to come with you."

The Dragon Slayer paused in surprise and looked back at her. "You want to what?"

"Let me assist you." Samarra clarified.

"No way." Natsu said without a moment of hesitance. "I can handle this alone." Seeing as Samarra already admitted that her family and the guardians were unable to take Tehran down, he was not about to allow her to come with him. He wasn't going to put her in danger. It would be easier by himself.

"No!" Samarra stepped closer to Natsu, getting in his face with eyes alit with fire. "You don't understand the power he has!" She fell quiet, biting her lip as she looked away with a frown. "I can't fight, but I can support you." Her brown eyes moved back towards Natsu, staring at him with a mix of determination and concern. "You can't do this alone, Natsu!"

Natsu stared back at her, staring into those brown eyes that were pleading for him to let her come with him. She not only wanted to help him, but it seemed she also needed to do this. Tehran killed friends of hers and her boyfriend. This was something she wanted to see to the end. Sighing, Natsu closed his eyes and nodded. "…Alright, but follow my orders when we get inside."

"Thank you, Natsu." Samarra whispered as she took a step back and looked back at the castle in the distance. She would do this. She would help ends Tehran's reign for the city and for her boyfriend and all her friends who were forced to suffer because of him. She would save them all.

*Present*

"No, you're wrong." Natsu replied angrily. "She fought for her friends and the city. She wanted to save them from the suffering that Tehran was causing them!"

"So you're saying she was happy to die if it meant saving them?" Liam retorted angrily.

Natsu withheld the urge to wince at that question. "No, that's not–"

"You took it from her!" Liam interrupted loudly to overpower Natsu's voice. "Her one chance and you stole it from her."

Unable to deny the accusation which only spoke the truth, Natsu looked away with a frown, digging his fingernails into his fists. Samarra gave everything for him to survive and take down Tehran. And he did. He defeated Tehran. There was no way he would allow himself to fail after Samarra died to give him the chance. It was his way to repay her, but it would do nothing to ease the pain he caused her family.

Looking back at the furious gaze of Liam only solidified the fact that not everyone in the family could so easily forgive him for his mistake. And after being supposedly dead for seven years only to return alive probably fed Liam's hatred of him. Because why should Natsu be able to return but not his sister?

"I am sorry, Liam." Natsu whispered. "I never wanted any of this to happen."

"Not as sorry as you will be." Liam whispered, though Natsu's ears still picked up the voice and he was frowning in confusion. What did that even mean?

But before he could even voice his question, Liam spun around and marched back into the darkness, leaving Natsu alone in the throne room.

Liam was different. He used to be shy and soft-spoken. Even after his sister died, that didn't change. He was just very solemn and didn't speak anymore. What had happened during now and the last time he saw Liam for him to change like this?

*Eleven years ago*

"You can't go. Tehran is too dangerous."

Samarra looked at her twin with a small, sad smile. "I have to. I have to do this, Liam. I can't stand to just sit back and watch someone else fight our battle for us, at least not alone. I have to help Natsu."

Natsu, who was leaning against the doorframe and staring out into the hallway, turned his attention to the office to look at Samarra and Liam.

Standing up straight, Samarra turned her attention to her father who was sitting behind his desk. "I have to do this, Father. I can't sit idly back after all that Tehran has done. I want to do something to help end his reign over Aster."

Mr. Agni stared at his daughter's eyes that were burning with passion. Those were eyes of one who needed to see and fight back against the tyranny that hurt her and the city so much. She needed to be there to see an end to this. It would be what helped her move on from this. Sighing, Mr. Agni turned to look at the mage sent here to help them. "You will protect her? Keep my daughter safe?"

The Dragon Slayer stared back at him before standing up straight with a firm look in his eyes. "Of course. My mission is to help this city and a part of that is the safety of the clients." He replied with the normal confidence in his voice. As a mage of Fairy Tail, he would do everything in his power to complete the job and keep his friends/clients safe. If he couldn't do that, then what kind of Fairy Tail mage was he? "Samarra will be safe with me."

Liam looked over at Natsu, doubt shining in those blue eyes of his. But he didn't voice any complaints. Instead he just looked down at the floor, hands twisting on his pants as he was too scared to speak up about his doubts in front of his sister and father about the strength Natsu claimed he possessed to do what he said he would do. He was younger than them. How could he be strong enough to handle this?

*Present*

"The shy Liam who never spoke up about his doubts is now screaming at me." A bitter smile crossed Natsu's face as he made his way out of the castle.

As he stepped onto the castle's lawn, he closed his eyes to focus on his hearing and sense of smell. He knew. He knew someone was here watching him. And it wasn't Liam this time. He recognized the scent, but he didn't know why.

"Heh, of all the times I've come here, no one has ever bothered me. But two people in one visit, I wonder what it means." Natsu mumbled as he opened his eyes back up and marched forward as he drew his cloak's hood back up.

A feeling of dread filled him from the unexpected visits, but he pushed it away. Sure, seeing an angry Liam was surprising, but he didn't think it would harm him. And the unexpected person watching him confused him, but there was no reason for someone to want to harm him, at least not here in Aster. So it was concerning, even more so since the person's scent smelled familiar, but it may be nothing or it may be something. Normally he would charge in to find out, but he didn't have the energy for a fight right now. All he wanted to do was make it back to Magnolia.

Entering the city once more, Natsu looked up at the clock tower and upon noticing how late it was, he sighed. Meeting Liam in the castle set him back and now there would be no more train departures until tomorrow. He could just walk back to Magnolia, but with how exhausted he was, he just wanted to stay at a hotel somewhere and risk the motion sickness tomorrow on a train.

Hearing the sound of wheels, Natsu looked to the side and almost barfed when he saw a carriage passing him. So, clearly he was losing his mind if he was agreeing to a train ride tomorrow.

No, no, no. No train ride for him. Walking back to Magnolia was a lot safer than facing that devil train again.

Which is how Natsu found himself a few hours later sitting in a clearing in the forest with a fire in front of him. The flames shined brightly in his eyes, reflecting a day longed past.

*Eleven years ago*

A heavily bandaged Natsu found himself sitting in front of a fire in the forest. He looked down at his broken hand, fingers twitching as he wasn't able to do anything with his hand. He should have stayed in Aster to recover. He knew that, but it just hurt so much to stay there. Samarra died. She died because him. She died to save him. It should have been him! It was supposed to be him! Why would she do that? Was his life really worth that much?

Without realizing it, tears had started to stream down his face. He was too confident in his skills. It got the better of him….and because of it, one of his clients was killed. It was a complete and utter failure of the mission. If the client dies, how can it ever be considered a success?

Flashes of memories of seeing Samarra's bloodied body and Tehran laughing ruthlessly burned through him.

And a sob broke free of Natsu's throat.

"I'm going on ahead first, Natsu."

Another sob escaped Natsu. How could she say that? She shouldn't have died just to save him. His life wasn't worth more than hers.

Not at all.

Why did she have to do this? Natsu brought his broken hand up to his chest, letting his nails dig into the bandages there.

"Natsu, is that you?"

*Present*

"I thought I find you here, Natsu."

Natsu snapped his head up in surprise at that voice. Through the dark forest, he saw a familiar figure approaching him, just like all those years ago. "Gildarts." He murmured as he moved his eyes back to the fire. "What are you doing here?"

The older mage sighed and made to sit across from Natsu on the other side of the campfire. "I know you go to Aster every year around this time, Natsu. You are torturing yourself by not being able to let go of the past." Gildarts looked at Natsu, who was refusing to look at him by staring into the campfire. He sighed once more and wished silently that he brought a flask with a nice strong drink in it with him. "Do you remember what I told you when I found you in this forest eleven years ago?"

How could he not? Everything about that mission and its aftermath was burned so intensely in his mind. He would never be able to forget it for as long as he lived. The memories just wouldn't leave him alone no matter what. It was a constant reminder of how he failed that fateful day. He made the promise to protect Samarra, but he wasn't able to. No matter how much he truly did want to forget. But the constant reminder was always there. He would never fail in protecting his friends again.

"Natsu," Gildart's voice drew Natsu out of his thoughts once more, but he made no move to look up at his comrade. "This Samarra clearly wanted you to live and be happy. She wants you to live your life, but how can you do that when you constantly look to the past and at how she died? You do this every year, thinking of the things you could have done differently so she didn't have to die. That is not healthy nor will it change anything. You need to look at the present. You have a family waiting for you. They are worried about you. Hell, I'm worried, kid. You never told me the full story of what happened on that mission of yours."

For a moment, Natsu lifted his head to meet Gildart's eyes, mouth opened as if to speak. But a second later, he snapped it shut and looked back down, unable to bring himself to tell Gildarts about that mission. "I can't." He whispered. It was hard enough with his memories of that day. There was no way he could speak about it.

"I expected that." Gildarts sighed. "This is the one thing you have always kept locked away no matter how many times I ask you about it."

A wry smile crossed Natsu's face. "All the times you tried to corner me and get information about it whenever you came back to the guild."

"I may not be around often, but when I come back, I do get caught up on what goes on, Natsu. I know how depressed you get each year and I know it isn't healthy to be living in the past like that." Gildarts replied.

The mocking smile left Natsu's face to be replaced by a grim frown. "The past defines us."

Gildarts stared back at Natsu, frowning as well. "No, it doesn't, Natsu. Our pasts teach us and may hurt us at times, but that only strengthens us. It doesn't define who we are. We learn from it and gain strength from it to go on in the future." The S-class mage paused as he dug through his bag and pulled a flask of water out. He took a long drink of it before pulling it away and looking back at the young mage. "But this past mission of yours has not taught you anything because you are too scared to face it."

"Fear is not evil." Natsu retorted. "It teaches us our own weaknesses."

"I did tell you that." Gildarts smirked briefly before he frowned. "But can you face this weakness of yours, Natsu? You are so busy running away from it that you are not gaining anything from the mistakes of this mission." Gildarts replied before taking another long drink, really wishing there was some alcohol in this flask.

A flash of anger coursed its way through Natsu's veins. Eyes burning with fury, he looked up sharply at Gildarts. "Running away?" He snarled. What kind of accusation was that? Running away was the last thing Natsu would ever do. He never ran from anything. He always faced his problems head on and this situation was no different. Every year he faced Samarra's death and Mr. Agni who reminded him that it wasn't Natsu's fault. Every year he confronted the mistakes he made that day eleven years ago. He wasn't running from it. After what Samarra gave up for him, that was one thing he could never do.

"That's what you are doing. You are grieving from Samarra's death, but that is all you are doing, Natsu. You aren't facing what truly happened. Your client's daughter was killed, but you still completed the mission. Yet, you can't see it that way because of the grief you are drowning yourself in. I'm not telling you to forget, Natsu, but to look towards the future and live without grieving so heavily every year." Gildarts replied. He stared across the fire at Natsu with a thoughtful frown. "I heard from Mira that when Lisanna died, you took it hard, but nothing like how you are grieving now for Samarra. What is different about Samarra's death that made it so hard for you?"

"The difference?" Natsu muttered as memories of Samarra's face leaning over his, tears streaming down her face, flashed through his mind.

"No, Natsu! No, you can't die on me. You can't die here. Not like Keith!"

Those words were the last thing he heard before his eyes slid shut and he heard nothing more from her.

….until he opened his eyes and found himself standing in a golden field with Samarra standing a few feet in front of him with her back to him.

"This is some strange dream."

"It isn't a dream, Natsu." Samarra replied quietly. She stared at the armband on her wrist, watching as the red gem on it reflected the sun before she raised her fist towards the sky. "By my family's name, I, Samarra Agni, invoke the contract of the firebird by the name of Phoenix."

The gem on the armband took in the sunlight and glowed like fire before a spell circle burst forth from the gem. It shifted position to face the sky vertically over Samarra. And from the circle a beautiful bird made of fire rose out of it and spread it wings wide as a musical cry filled the air around them. A sound so beautiful that if there was any noise being made, it would have all fallen silent just to listen to this magnificent creature.

A shocked Natsu stared wide eyed up at the powerful bird flying above them. He has seen so many different types of creatures, but never one as glorious as this Phoenix. "What is this?" He whispered.

His question got Samarra to turn around and give Natsu a bright smile, though tears glistened in her eyes. "Our savior, Natsu."

Noticing the far off look in Natsu's eyes, Gildarts sighed and put his flask down. "Something more happened than just Samarra dying. What aren't you telling me, Natsu?" Though he asked that, he didn't expect Natsu to answer so when no answer was forthcoming, Gildarts wasn't surprised. Whatever happened to Natsu eleven years ago may be a story they will never fully learn.

A/N: Please Review!