"Eren's dick is insured for at least ten bucks."

"He doesn't wear flannel."

"He has a Coca-Cola bottle shaped birthmark under his ass."

"He reads the Bible as foreplay."

Levi stuffed in a bite of his burger, ignoring the chatter, because this may be a shitty school with even shittier SAT scores, but the burgers were good as hell. It's been a week since he transferred to Sina High, and so far, he's only made one "friend," if a locker buddy counts. Hanji was pretty cool, except she ate her Pop-Tarts without toasting them first so their friendship was still debatable.

The cafeteria was huge, not to mention pastel grunge.

"Okay, since you've hit this shithole for a week now, I think it's time for the declaration of initiation. Petra, give Levi-kittens the 411," Hanji said, managing to chew her food without mumbling garbled shit.

"He should know it." That was Ymir, a goth who listened to George Michael.

"True, he's getting a free blowjob and he doesn't even know it," Petra agreed, shooting Auruo a scathing look as he applied his daily required ointment. Honestly, ointment was bathroom time.

"I only want the blowjob if it's five-star quality."

"Trust me, it'll be pretty cool. You've been here for a week, please tell me you've noticed Mr. Insured Circumcised Dick," Hanji sighed.

Levi shook his head. Was this some kind of joke? Is the blowjob really free?

"Eren. Eren Jaeger, he sits over there with Blond Bitch and Mimi," Hanji explained flatly.

"Are you talking about Mikasa? You fucking call her Mimi?" Levi asked disbelievingly, raising his eyebrows, cheeseburger abandoned.

"You know Mikasa?" It was Jean, the thirst dripping from just saying her name. Clearly only Mikasa could quench it. Swallow. Whatever.

"She's my cousin," Levi waved off, ignoring the suggestive way Jean smoothed his Hollister shirt. "Don't get any ideas, Ponyboy, I'm not your gateway to de-virginizing."

Marco shook his head. "You don't understand , Jean Valjean here's been thirsty for your cousin since she rang him up in 7-Eleven." He plucked the raisins out of his bread. "It's like Mikasa became Gatorade, only she's white."

"There's a white Gatorade now, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Connie said.

"Isn't she like half-Japanese, she's not white." Sasha chewed thoughtfully.

"You dumbass, he meant her skin color," Ymir murmured, keeping a sharp eye on her pudding.

"Enough," Hanji snapped loudly. "The point is, Levi's initiation to Sina High is about to start, and he doesn't even know it." She stacked her textbooks in the center. Everyone turned around to listen, after all, Levi knew how high school worked. Hanji was probably top dog or some shit. "Erwin is absent today, or else he'd be debriefing you. So like all places, we've got a system here. First of all, I'm student council vice-pres. So I know everyone."

"And by everyone, she means everyone. She knows my cup-size," Petra said solemnly.

"This is some Illuminati shit," Levi muttered.

"So Eren's like this perfect sex machine, he's gorgeous. He almost chased after Erwin, except Blondie over there beat him to it. Armin is the smartest slut I've ever seen." Ymir lowered her voice as the noise level died down. "But I have a thing for his half-sister. Christa's my babe, y'know. Well, at least she's going to be."

"Eren's in our Spanish class," Hanji added. "And you should know about Mikasa, since she's your cousin and all."

Levi frowned. "I haven't spoken to her in a year." Hanji raised her eyebrows.

"Well, just warning you now, Eren's probably hunting and plotting to conquer your dick as we speak. You have been warned, viewer discretion is advised."

…

Levi hated Spanish. Not only because of direct object pronouns, but nouns have genders. Like what the fuck? Ms. Nanaba wasn't so bad, but seeing her conjugating hurt a little bit, like holding in a fart while you're in class. Like right now. He decided to heed Hanji's warning, because he finally had the chance to look at Eren up close.

And he could see why everyone was thirsty for him and his cocksucking skills.

He was fucking hot, his nose was a 10/10 would bang. Like noses are not supposed to be attractive. Boogers. Whatever. "So we're working in pairs, Levi, you'll be working with Eren here. He's our most fluent speaker, should give you the ropes." Eren nodded, raking his chair beside him with a screech.

Hanji gave him a you're getting laid look.

"You're the new guy, right? I'm Eren."

"Yes."

"Mikasa told me you're her cousin. Is it true you're a thug?" Eren smiled, he didn't seem like the type to read a Bible, much less suck dicks to welcome people to Sina High. Then again, one can never tell with middle class hoebags, as Ymir liked to put it. That whole don't judge a book cover or some shit.

"A thug? I went to Shigan High, if that's what you're saying," he found himself replying.

Eren hummed. "Shiganshina High? I heard a lot of shit about that place. Armin used to go there, it's why he's a little bitch now, but he's my best friend so that's alright."

"Didn't Nanaba say you're some Spanish whiz?" Levi deadpanned, eager to get out of Eren's attentive interest. He seriously couldn't afford to fail this class. Well, he could but he didn't want to screw up now.

"Ah yes. Forgot about that. So, do you know how to conjugate? It's one of the basics."

Levi nodded, tapping his pencil to the desk. Really, he didn't care about Spanish, with all accents and shit, but hearing Eren say "Vamos al carro," rolling his r's and purring them with emphasis made him forget about Spanish and Hanji's warning. Maybe this was the plot Eren was using to conquer his dick, saying "Vamos al carro" and "Lo vas a manejar."

He realized there was an absence of Eren's voice, he wasn't talking anymore, just staring expectantly. "What?"

"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"…Of course. Let's go to the car."

"Do you understand that 'lo' is replacing 'carro,' you are referring to the car, but you say 'it' instead. You will ride it."

"Lo voy a manejar," Levi mused.

Eren beamed, as if it were finally time he mastered porn-stashing. "So you get it now?"

No. "Absolutely."

…

"I feel like I'm homosexual because my dad left, no paternal love and shit," Marco sighed. "You feel, Jean?"

"Shut the fuck up, can't you see I'm listening to indie rock?" Jean mumbled, peeling each sesame seed off his hamburger bun like the pretentious bitch Levi knew he was.

"I feel you," Levi heard himself saying again, without his brain's permission, but it was too late because Marco was staring at him like expensive wine. "Daddy issues aside, do any of you know Spanish?"

Ymir nodded. "I would recommend you to Christa, but you can't be her rebound. I'll arrange something for you, just show up on the date I set down."

"That's fake!" Petra called out. "I was failing Spanish and you didn't do shit."

"That's because you're fake, left me on scene." Ymir scoffed.

Levi kept eating, ignoring the fakeness surrounding him. These bitches.

..

Sometimes, it's usually assumed that a joke, mostly irony, is supposed to be funny, (har har har) and lol didn't c tht coming, haha and then wat ;) but Eren was sitting in the deepest corner of the public library, waiting for him. Ymir obviously didn't think it was necessary to say who would be tutoring him for Spanish, but alas, ye old heart is gonna shit because Eren 'Cocksucker of Da Year' Jaeger was smiling, waving like it was meant to be.

Levi didn't wave back.

Instead, he diverted his attention to the book in Eren's hands, Harry Potter. A professional blowjobber and he can read. Eren was a catch one accidentally stumbles upon Christian Mingle. What is life?

Levi scraped the chair out, plopping his backpack on the table. He tried to look pastel grunge today, but he settled for a darkly colored style to show the tortured soul within, something more intimidating and alluring mystery.

Except Eren was wearing a white button down and grey cardigan, looking expensive and ready to learn, Levi looked away. "How was your weekend?"

"Homework."

"Ah. Well, Ymir hit me up, told me about your problems with Spanish."

Oh, did she now. "Yeah, well I guess we should get started then."

Eren nodded. "Let me just bookmark where I'll be leaving off." He placed a neon yellow smiley face on the page, slapping it shut excitedly.

"I didn't know you could read," he muttered, loud enough to be heard.

"I can. This is the fifth book, Order of the Phoenix, you should read the series." Eren was still smiling. He's so…not pastel grunge. But still hot.

Levi twitched up a smile, relenting to the Dick Conquistador. It was inevitable, Levi thought. It was his Fate to be sucked off by Eren in his cute cardigan. Maybe hit up McD's and share twenty- piece McNuggets for 4.99. He didn't mind. "—Armin's list, he has good taste in books. Almost like my talent with mozzarella sticks, I know what type of cheese is used on the inside. What are you good at?"

"Mario Kart," Levi replied. It was honest and lame. Maybe they could get frisky and play together.

"We should play together some time."

Fuck yeah. "Sure."

…

"I'm going to church today, I'm not sure I can stay after school and tutor you," Eren said.

Levi wanted to correct him. 'Tutoring' was not the right word when all they did was hang out and talk about food, and shit about Jean. It was cool. He was failing Spanish, but pretty cool nonetheless.

"You go to church?" he asked instead.

"I'm Catholic, y'know? I didn't go on Sunday so I go today to make up for it. Then I go to 7-Eleven and chill with Connie and Sasha. You can come if you want," Eren offered.

"And listen to the word of our dear Lord, Jesus Christ?"

"And get some Monterrey Jack tacos afterwards. We can hang out, I'll probs have to ditch Sash and Connie."

"That's fake as hell," Levi snarked. "But you are a bitch, so I'm game." And a virginal slut, Ymir cackled in his mind. Eren smiled, bending down to tie his shoelaces. Such a nice ass.

"Are you coming? Bell's gonna ring, Coach Shadis is gonna shit if we're late."

"Yeah."

…

Petra was looking at him like a fucking—

"So did he…touch you?"

"You're a goddamn Dorito. If you mean suck off, no he hasn't yet," Levi snapped back. Hanji punched his arm, ignoring the vintage sweater Levi cared so much about. He caressed his shoulder, making sure his arm remained flawless.

"Anger causes wrinkles," Erwin said. "Are you upset because Eren hasn't asked you out yet?"

"I think it's the lack of a blowjob," Hanji decided.

"I honestly don't believe this young man is a slut."

"Erwin, you sound like a hot dad," Petra said.

"That's because I am."

"I don't know if Eren wants to give me a blowjob." Levi closed his mouth once everyone in the table looked at him. If only he listened to blink-182 for some confidence. It was a good thing Ymir was absent, or else shit would go downhill.

"I think he does," Petra sighed.

"Don't worry, all's good in love and war, hashtag William Shakespeare."

…

Levi tied his hoodie around his waist. Apparently liking Eren wasn't a good idea, but when he was constantly staring at a mystical man candy, it was hard concentrating on Spanish and being grunge. "I don't know, Armin can be pretty stupid as fuck," Eren said.

"Doesn't he have the highest GPA in the entire junior class?"

"Yeah, but I supervise when he smokes the mariwans on the weekend. He told me potato salad is made of potatoes. Bless his slutty ways."

"Seriously? What about Mikasa?"

"She wanted to have sex with me, she's a sex fiend when she's on that wave. But I always say no 'cause that's like incest. She's so fucking dark and deadly, like Kim Kardashian."

Levi snorted. "I'm Kim Kardashian," he said.

Eren laughed, slapping his back hard enough to make Levi consider mass homicide. "I know, your ass is almost there. Call me."

Levi's ass blushed. His ass, not his face. Because grunge people's faces don't blush.

…

Levi planned on being direct, so blunt that even Shadis would cry. He was gonna demand his 'Welcome to Sina' blowjob. It's been four months. Four fucking months since he and Eren started talking, smoking, visiting antique shops to satiate Levi's inner grunge. He was into that vintage shit. But Eren was just being nice, he was being a friend, and Levi wasn't sure if Mr. Circumcised Dick was friendzoning him on purpose, or just waiting for the right moment for the epic journey. He also hasn't seen any evidence of Eren being a virginal slut, or a slut at all.

Eren: Come over to my house today, my mom's making lasagna ;)

He didn't think about it twice, his legs started walking to the direction of Titan Avenue, to the fenced community that was swanky as hell. Middle class hoebags, Ymir would say.

…

This time, 'tutoring' was happening at Levi's house. His parents weren't home, and that was just hella convenient. A month later, Carla deemed him family. And still, things were in that friend zone standstill. It was depressing. Well, not really.

"'Abstinence," Eren said "is vital to living a long life'."

"'Kissing burns two calories a minute,'" Levi continued. "I honestly can't read this shitty 80s health textbook."

"Levi."

"What?"

"I think we should kiss, I've been trying to lose three pounds and I honestly think you're the key to my success," Eren said solemnly. Levi didn't say anything. Not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. It's like he suddenly dry-swallowed a pill. "I'm gonna get close now, to your face, and you should open your mouth. Shit is gonna go down."

It was all happening in slow motion. He first registered that Eren's pretty baby face getting closer, he could see his pores, and that his eyebrows were genuinely flawless. And before he could say 'wait', and politely ask for more than a kiss, Eren's mouth was on his and it was pretty cool and definitely pastel grunge. They kept kissing, swapping spit, all that jazz, but then it started to get a bit boring. Of course, Eren decided to put his hands and fist his hair, smoothing down his fingers on his undercut, giving Levi cutie tingles.

And then it was over.

Eren was breathing heavily, as if he ran a marathon. "That was so…grunge," he breathed, laughing a little bit and covering his face with his hands. "Okay, Levi, I think you should rate this kiss out of five, it wasn't two minutes but at least we lost weight. I've been dying for this kind of homosexual contact with you since we went to church together."

Levi swallowed. "I think it was pretty good. But we should moisturize if we do it again."

Eren frowned. "Fair enough."

"I know I'm a sensitive goth. I also wanted to ask you about the whole 'Welcome to Sina' thing, it's been bothering me, shit is so suspenseful, you feel?" Levi asked.

"What thing?"

"I was hoping we would go beyond kissing, the icing on the cake and all," Levi offered.

Eren looked nervous, excited even, the tips of his ears red. "Are you sure?"

"I mean, it's not gonna hurt, right?"

"Nah, just," Eren kneeled, "relax." He gave Levi a gentle nudge to the bed, and in one swift but really clumsy motion, he wiggled Levi's jeans down. "Your penis is so fetch, are you comfortable?"

"Eren, we just smooched and—"

"Look, we need to talk, keep it loose."

Fuck. Levi smoothed down his hair, patting his double A boobs. His chest. "I know what the fuck you're gonna talk about, Jaeger. I just want to let you know that it's alright. Your dating history, whatever. I do, however, have a strict no STDs policy, so you gotta change."

Eren looked at him. Blinked. Opened his mouth. Blinked again. "What are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Aren't you a slut-faced hoebag?"

Eren's mouth dropped, face reddened so fast, eyes narrowing into a mild glare. "Fucking excuse me. I'm a virgin!" Eren was pissed now, and there was no way Levi was gonna get it. God, after all that work and awkward pubescent sexual tension. He wanted to apologize, but then again, his dick was just there chilling, his jeans unzipped, and Eren didn't look like he was ready to go down after being called a "slut-faced hoebag." Fuck Ymir, with her goddamn gossiping.

Eren zipped up wordlessly, his fast-paced breathing indicating that he was definitely not happy. "Look, I'm sorry." Levi zipped up too, trying to make a serious apology as possible in this kind of situation. "Everyone just told me you were a skank and dying for my dick, and at first I wasn't so excited about the idea because I have a zero tolerance policy for STDs, but then I saw that you were kind of thrilling and you like Harry Potter." It was hard to manage breathing, but it happened, and Eren was staring at him, slightly skeptical.

"I'm not a skank."

"I don't really care if you are, as long as you just suck my dick and only mine to prevent sexual disease transmitting," Levi said.

Eren waved his hand offhandedly. "Look, I want to, believe me. But I really don't know why people think I'm a slut. I thought people stayed away from me because they knew I had anger management problems."

"Well, I was told that you give blowjobs to new students at Sina High as a welcome present," Levi sighed.

"That was one time! It was for Jean at this party, I had to use mouthwash for a month to feel pure again," Eren said, exasperation not enough to convey his true shame.

Levi scowled. "I thought you said you were a virgin."

Eren frowned, slight confusion working on his pretty face, Levi knew his dick would explode. "Oral sex doesn't count."

"It's still sex," Levi said pointedly. Eren sighed, straightening his khaki pants. What a nerd.

"Okay then. I'm half a virgin, if anyone here is the slut-faced hoebag, it's definitely Armin. Just—I'm gonna go home now, I just went to church a few days ago, took the body of Christ, and I was about to suck you off, and now we've cleared up the pretense of me being a skank." Eren looked at him like he was the stupid one and it was his entire fault.

Levi wanted to say that all's well it ends well, but they had school tomorrow and he felt genuinely guilty for being anti-slut. "So…do you still want to go on dates and shit?" He asked, making sure to keep his eyes narrowed in that mysterious way Eren said he liked when they watched Criminal Minds together.

"Um…we progressed pretty well in our relationship tonight, I mean our romance was totes rushed and fast, but still, I think we're dating. So yeah, call me. I'll go down on you some other time," Eren yawned, giving Levi a pat thing on his shoulder that was platonic, but still romantic. The door closed behind him, and Levi was glad his parents weren't home yet. His room still smelled like Sensual Amber from Bath and Body Works.

God. The thirst almost killed him, but at least he got his man candy, unlike Jean.

…

"Guess who just got a slut-faced hoebag boyfriend?" Levi whispered into his cellphone, because technically it was past his bedtime, but Hanji owed him money. So a phone call was definitely necessary.

"Let me guess," Hanji murmured dryly.

"It's me, in case you're wondering."