*hits herself for writing this* I'm so fucking sorry. I saw a post on Tumblr and somehow this was what came out of my computer... Please forgive me.

Chapter One

Shouyou could hear himself panting as he tried to catch up with the man in the front of him. He wanted to tell the man to stop, he had the feeling something terrible was about to happen.
Shouyou stopped running when he felt something cold touching his skin, it was snowing. Little snowflakes twirled down and and melted when they came in contact with his skin. But that wasn't the only reason Shouyou stopped. The sky suddenly turned red, crimson red. Everything else was black now and Shouyou could hear the bells of the railway crossing ringing. His eyes widened.

In the front of him was a boy sitting in the snow, screaming in terror without a voice. A young boy, about the age of nine with the same red hair as Shouyou. It was Shouyou and suddenly he understood what his young self was screaming. He understood why he had been screaming and he heard it. Suddenly.
"Daddy!" the voice of the young boy pierced through his head and it had sounded in utter terror, angst and extreme fear, "Daddy!" the man who had been running in the front of him, was his own father.

The older Shouyou wanted to scream too, because he finally understood what the father of his young self was about to do. He had seen the same thing years ago and he didn't want to see it again. He did not want his young self to end in the same kind of despair he had felt at that time. At the same familiar scene.

Shouyou reached out his head, "Father!" he screamed, but he was voiceless. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he screamed, his voice wouldn't come out.

Shouyou was standing on the track. When he stared at his left, he could see his younger self screaming, crying. Behind him was standing the same man, his father. Shouyou had a chance now, he was fast enough to―

There was a bright, white light in the front of him. The train was already there, Shouyou was too late, again. His younger self couldn't bring out a scream anymore and his father didn't move from the track. Why? Shouyou thought. Why isn't he moving?

The train!

Shouyou was standing next to the track again, next to his younger self and watched how the train rushed into their father. Blood spattered on their clothes and Shouyou understood once more what happened. He wasn't actually there and yet he had to watch it, again.

Gasping for air, Shouyou woke up from his dream. His bedsheets were drained with his sweat and once again, his cheeks were wet from his own tears. It hadn't been a nightmare, it just had been a mere recap of his own memory. Ever since he saw the accident, the same scene has repeated itself over and over again. Merciless.

The redhead stared at his alarm clock. It was about six in the morning. He should get ready and race to school before Kageyama Tobio would, but for once the decoy didn't care about beating Kageyama. He only wanted this endless nightmare to stop. Yet he slowly rose from his bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

The cold water was refreshing on his skin. When he looked up into the mirror, he was greeted by a pair of dull amber colored eyes, his eyes. His face was pale and he had dark bags under his eyes. There was no way anyone would believe he was alright in this state. Shouyou's hands searched for a small, transparent orange container with a white lid. He found it― still half filled with the white pills he was ordered to take everyday to keep his mood up― the antidepressants.

The boy took two, dressed himself in his uniform. His eyes caught the weekend bag in the corner of his room. Then it hit him, they had a training-camp today until Sunday. Shouyou sighed and threw the container with pills in his bag together with a toothbrush and toothpaste. He wasn't exactly looking forward to today. His first training-camp had been fun, but that was when he didn't had nightmares about his dad's suicide action.

But he didn't want his team mates to worry about him so he had no other choice than going to that camp. The redhead grabbed his bag and went down for breakfast. His mother was already waiting for him with breakfast. The small woman greeted him with her sweet and casual smile, "Good morning dear," she said with her soft and loving voice, "did you sleep well?"

Shouyou just nodded and sat down on his chair, "Yeah," he muttered, "but I'm still exhausted from practice yesterday."
Hinata Mako was a small woman in her late thirties. She had shoulder length, messy dark brown hair with bangs at the sides. Her eyes had the same amber shade of brown as her son, but they shined a lot more than Shouyou's.

"Are you not overworking yourself?" she asked while she scooped a fried egg on her plate, "I know you love volleyball a lot, but please contain yourself a little. It's not good for your health if you go that far."

Shouyou sighed and started his breakfast, "Of course mom!" he smiled between his bites, "Besides, I also have to put more time in studying, so I don't think it will happen."

"Are you sure you know what studying is?"

"Shh!" Shouyou hissed, "Of course I know what it is! I'm just not that good at it..."

Mako smiled at her son. He sure had grown up. Shouyou had always been especially childish for his age, but it had changed when his father died in a suicide action. The young boy grew a depression and became dull. It had been painful to see him like that, but when he went into therapy and got his medicine a lot of things changed. Shouyou wasn't as dull anymore and his childish personality seemed to be back, but yet there were times that he still was that dull and sad child from back then.

"Shouldn't you hurry up?" Mako asked when Shouyou's plate was still half full, "Morning practice starts at seven right? If you don't go now, you'll be too late."

The redhead nodded and scooped the rest of his breakfast in his mouth, "Awight," he murmured while grabbing his bag, "I'm foff."

"Have fun on the camp!" Mako called behind him, "If there goes something wrong, just call me!"

"Yeff―" was there from Shouyou.

A second later, the door closed behind him and Mako sighed. He still wasn't over his depression. He still took those pills, but didn't went to therapy anymore. She wondered if there was going to be a time Shouyou would smile like he once did, because all of his smiles seemed forced.

"Oi," it was the familiar sound of Kageyama's voice. He was pissed-off, "you're late. Did something happen on your way to school?" he demanded.

Shouyou threw his bag on the ground of the clubroom and started undressing himself. He was too late, five minutes to be exact and the others already left to the gym. The redhead glanced over to Kageyama's side. He couldn't help but notice the slight sound of worry in his voice.

"Of course not!" Hinata barked, "I just overslept today, that's all." it wasn't a lie, technically, but it felt wrong.

Kageyama wasn't buying the answer he got. Shouyou could read it from his face, "That's a lame excuse," Kageyama groaned, "It's especially weak coming from you since you always try to beat me."

"I really did," Hinata murmured and he pulled his shirt of. On the moment he exposed his bare chest, Kageyama turned around and placed his stuff carefully away, "Why did you wait for me anyway?" the decoy asked.

"I did not!" Kageyama yelled and he looked up. His face was flushing bright red and his pupils were small. Busted, "I offered to lock up after you arrived!"

They were the only two left in the clubroom. Kageyama was the only one left in the clubroom when Shouyou arrived and the setter had denied the fact that he had been waiting for Hinata to come. Even though he greeted by a punch, Hinata couldn't help but feel a little flattered.

Hinata grinned and walked towards the door, "You were worried, weren't you?"

"I was not!"

"Never mind that," Shouyou sighed. Kageyama was too embarrassed to admit it anyway, "Let's go to the gym before they'll scold us."
"They'll scold you, not me," Kageyama hissed, "You were the one who was too late, I just waited for you," he rose up from the ground and left the club room before Shouyou. He hadn't noticed his mistake, "Hurry up dumbass, I've got to lock up."

Hinata grinned and rushed outside. He usually faked his mood into a cheerful one, but there were moments like these he truthfully felt happy. He hadn't felt this warm and soft feeling in his stomach for a long time, and it was nice to feel like it.
When Kageyama opened the door of the gym with a rattling sound, ten minutes after seven, the team already had set up the nets, balls and were doing stretch exercises. They looked up when the duo entered and closed the door behind them.
"Sorry I'm to late!" Shouyou heard his voice echoing through the space. He was afraid he would indeed be scold like Kageyama told him, but it didn't happen. Instead, Sugawara and Sawamura ordered the team to keep doing their exercises while they checked up with the duo.

"Ah Hinata, you're here!" Suga smiled while he patted the shoulder of his junior, "Thanks for waiting for him, Kageyama." he added.

"Are you feeling alright?" Daichi asked with a concerned face, "It's not like you to be late. Usually, you and Kageyama are the first here."

Shouyou nodded. He had expect that his seniors would be concerned about him since it wasn't likely he'd be late. But Hinata had no intention of telling them what happened to him in the past, if he did that, they'd only be more concerned about him. Maybe they wouldn't even allow him to play in his current state.

"I'm fine," he told them, "I just overslept."

The last one was not a lie. The first one, in fact, was a lie. He wasn't fine at all.

"Well, just go warm yourselves up with the others. We're gonna start with receiving today." Daichi patted their shoulders and walked back to the team, followed by Sugawara.
"Make sure you don't overwork yourself, Hinata!"

Shouyou nodded and followed his upper class men. He could feel Kageyama's gaze stinging in his back, clearly not convinced and decoy could swear he heard a soft, "Dumbass." behind him.

Practice was rather a mess, an unusual mess. Hinata wasn't able to spike all of Kageyama's tosses and Kageyama was more irritated than usual. After a while Kageyama was forced by their captain to practice with Azumane and Tanaka while Hinata had to practice with Sugawara. But even that didn't seem to help. In the end, Hinata was ordered to sit through the rest of practice and watch. It wasn't going to work at this rate and he knew it. He didn't even complain when he was sent off the court.

Hinata wondered what it was like. To smile with a honest smile, one that wasn't affected by pills, one that wasn't forced to look good. He couldn't even remember when the last time was he smiled a honest and pure smile. He must have been nine at that time, before the night his father ended his own life.
The days after father's suicide had been horrible. Shouyou remembered his mother crying, holding Natsu tight, the little girl wasn't even a year old. He remembered family coming over and more farther relatives he had never heard off.

After the funeral, Hinata's mind had changed into a haze. He barely remembered anything from the period afterwards. He remembered crying in his bed, his mothers hand stroking his back when he was throwing up once again. When he came back to his senses, he was already thirteen years old and diagnosed with depression. He completely turned to volleyball and horrible thoughts overflowed his mind. The thought of taking his own life had crossed his mind more than just one time. Sometimes he really thought he'd be better of dead, but he couldn't let his mother cry the way she did back then and he couldn't give up on his little sister who never had a father caring for her.

And the he met Kageyama Tobio. Even though his name meant "Shadowed Mountain", he had been a light in Hinata's life. In order to surpass his rival, he had to become strong. Not just physically, but also mental.

His breathing was out of pace. The sweat dripped down his neck into his sweater, but it wasn't hot in the classroom. The nerves flew through his stomach and with every time his name was called, he felt a weird tingling feeling that made him feel uneasy. It killed him, more sweat dripped from his face and it stung behind his eyes. He needed to get away. He needed to cry.

Shouyou stared around. Everyone in his class was scribbling down the notes while the teacher explained that you calculate a formula of a proportionality. Something like delta y divided by delta x. Shouyou didn't care, nor did he understand it. He just needed to get away.

"Miss...?" he slowly rose his hand and interrupted the teacher in the middle of a sentence, "Can I go use the restroom?"

Without waiting for an answer, he stood up and stumbled towards the door, bumping into a desk before finally reaching the door. He didn't listen to the calls of his teacher. He mumbled a quick "Sorry," back and hurried to the restroom.

The tears were already dripping down his face. He quickly opened the door the the restroom and didn't hesitate to lock himself up in one of the stalls. Shouyou didn't need to worry about someone who could hear him, after all, it was during classes and most teachers didn't allow people to go to the restroom during class.

"...fuck..." the word slipped past his tongue without much thinking, "Fuck..."

He couldn't stop the tears anymore. The tears dripped from his eyes to his chin and then dropped on the floor of the stall. There was no stopping it. The tears wouldn't stop coming.
´Crying's gonna make me feel better, hûh?´ that were words of Shouyou's therapist, ´Bullshit.´ Shouyou felt like crap.

It had taken ten minutes exactly for Hinata to get himself under control again, before he could go to the classroom and excuse his behavior. When he told the teacher that his stomach was just upset, she glanced at him worriedly. She apparently knew something, but it didn't bug Hinata. After all, his mother had told the direction about his past so the teachers should know something as well.

"Hinata, are you already feeling better?"

Shouyou jumped and turned around. It was Sugawara who spoke behind him with a rather worried undertone in his voice. Of course.

"I'm fine!" Hinata beamed. He was not, "I was just a little tired back then, nothing to worry about!" all lies.

Sugawara didn't seem to believe him and neither did Kageyama, who was standing behind his fellow setter, "Are you sure?" Sugawara asked and placed a comforting hand on the redhead's shoulder, "You looked pretty stressed out this morning. I don't think it's a good idea to participate with practice today."

Hinata felt his eyes widen, "But I said I was-"

"I already talked about it with Daichi and he agrees with me. You're not standing on the court today."

These words were supposed to hit him like a wrecking ball, right? These words were supposed to make him feel angry and misjudged, but somehow, Hinata didn't feel like that. To his surprise he actually found himself agreeing with the vice captain and he gained an even more worried glance from the other setter on the other end of the room.

...

So how was it? I never wrote something as depressing like this. Sure I wrote something pretty dark of Inazuma Eleven, but this beats everything on the depression area. I hope I will update this anytime soon, but the chance is pretty small since I'm a good procrastinator.
Well, I'm gonna do my best on the writing part! See you in the next chapter!