Sirrah, Sirrah

A Naruto x Gintama crossover oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: T

Genre: Friendship/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Gintoki; [hints of Himeko x Bossun]

Summary: Just another conversation over the water cooler between two Jump protagonists. [gen, crack]

Gintoki Sakata let out a relieved sigh, knocking his naturally permed head back and downing the water from his small, paper cup. He stood next to the water cooler at Shonen Jump Headquarters.

"Hot damn, this is tiring..." the silver haired samurai muttered. "I always get tired carrying on heavy arcs like that. You know, this whole Shogun Assassination arc."

Opposite the perpetually kvetching protagonist of Gintama was a spiky haired blond teenager roughly a head shorter than him dressed in a orange and black.

"At least you get to have plenty of episodic nonsense, man," said Naruto Uzumaki, knocking his head back and taking a sip of water from his paper cup. "I've been carrying a serious plot pretty much nonstop for practically the last ten years. Ugh, that's the one thing I hate about being the star of a mainstream fighting anime..."

Gin's left eye twitched, detecting the subtle jab.

"My serious plots are grittier than your serious plots, though," Gin replied peevishly.

"That's because you can get away with it," Naruto replied. "It's like a law of narrative tension or something. Because your series is usually dick and fart jokes, you can get away with doing a really grim and serious arc every once in a while. But because my own series is pretty much constant drama and shit, we have to tone it down a lot. It isn't a seinen, man."

"You did use to do some pretty heavy stuff back in the day, though," Gin said. "Early on there was a lot more blood and such."

Naruto shrugged.

"Ehh, yeah, but once we became a really popular anime, the producers started telling us to tone down the gore and stuff. Fans can't whine about the anime reducing the bloodiness of scenes if the scenes are basically bloodless to begin with."

"Bleach had that problem real bad, didn't it?" Gin remarked. "Before the anime got cancelled."

"Kubo's a friggin' psychopath, man," Naruto said. "He does some seriously brutal shit for shonen. Especially ever since their anime was cancelled."

"At least he's pushing boundaries," Gin said with a shrug.

Naruto twitched.

"Kiss my ass," he muttered. "Cripes. I'll finally be getting a resolution with that whole goddamn Sasuke plot, and my series is ending in five weeks? I call bullshit."

"Well, it's as good a time as any to end it," Gin said. "You know? You could've ended it well enough after taking that monster out of Obito."

"Dude, Madara was still running around!" Naruto replied, holding up a hand. "Fans would've bitched like crazy if he was taken out by Hashirama or someone completely unrelated to the main characters!"

"Right," Gin drawled. "It was a much better idea to have him killed off by some giant space flea from nowhere."

"... ... ..."

Gin smirked.

"Score one for dick and fart jokes," he said smugly.

"I've still made more money than you'll ever see," Naruto retorted snippily.

Gin twitched.

"Ow... Talk about a low blow, man," he muttered. "I get that I'm not a popular mainstream series like you, but there's no need to get so personal about it."

Naruto sheepishly scratched the back of his neck.

"Yeah, sorry about that..." he said. "I guess I'm just a little touchy about my series coming to an end. I mean, it's an emotional sort of thing, you know? I'm like the middle child of Dragonball's three successors, but soon it'll be just Luffy and Ichigo manning the helm."

Gin shrugged.

"Yeah, but whatever else people might say, you've made a helluva a mark on popular culture," he said with a hint of respect. "You know? For better or worse, when a lot of young people think ninja you and yours are among the first things in mind. You've had your run, you've made people laugh, and cry, and even really think a few times. There may have been bumps in the road, and maybe you haven't wound down as gracefully as some people might like, but you've earned your place in shonen history."

Naruto smiled, a wide toothy grin.

"Hah! I almost see why you're the main character of your series, when you pull out a little speech like that," he said. "But thanks, man. You're right, of course. I've done what I set out to do, and in some ways I've succeeded beyond my wildest imagination. And I might be coming to an end, but there's a whole generation of promising young heroes waiting to take on the mantle. I don't think it'll be too long before Luffy and Ichigo join me on the other side, and the torch'll be passed on to those fresh new faces."

"Yeah, I hear there're a lot of good new manga," Gin said. "I mean, there's Attack on Titan, and... well, the author doesn't know of too many other series. But there's Attack on Titan!"

"Is that actually a Shonen Jump series, though?"

"I'm... pretty sure...?" Gin said. "I dunno. Probably. The author's too tired to go and look it up."

"Wow," said Naruto. "That's real half assed. And gratuitously meta. Seriously, is this what you always do?"

"Yes," said Gin. "Pretty much."

"...lucky bastard. I wish I was starring in a comedy series."

"You wouldn't be half as popular as you are now, though," Gin pointed out.

"At least I'd actually be able to take it easy," Naruto replied. He shook his head, then let out a sigh. "...although you have been pretty serious, lately. Honestly, that whole Shogun Assassination Arc..."

He gave the samurai a slight smirk.

"...I'm flattered, really."

Gin scoffed.

"Whatever," he said peevishly, his cheeks a touch red. "Just hurry up and end already, you bastard."

Naruto's watch chose then to beep.

"Oh! Is it that time already?"

"Lunch break?" Gin inquired.

"Nah," Naruto replied. "Going golfing with Luffy."

He promptly departed, giving a cursory wave goodbye, leaving Gin and the water cooler behind.

Gin glared at the blond as he left.

"Lucky bastard," he muttered. "That's one face I won't miss seeing on the cover of Jump."

Yusuke Fujisaki chose then to come up to the water cooler.

"Man, I am so glad that guy finally moved," he said. "Now it's just us pals!"

Gin stared at the Sket Dan boss.

"...what the hell are you even still doing here?" he asked. "Didn't your series end, like, a year ago?"

The young man known as Bossun chuckled nervously.

"Himeko thinks I'm out looking for a new job..." he said evasively.

"...didn't your security pass get taken?" Gin said. "How did you even get in the building?"

"Had Switch dupe me up a copy of Yamcha's," said Bossun.

"...and why does he still have a security pass?" Gin wondered.

Bossun shrugged.

"I'unno."

Outside the gates of Shonen Jump Headquarters...

"Seriously, I'm with Goku!" a certain desert bandit shouted. "Just check my pass! I'm senior management!"

"Likely story, bud," said the head security officer, who happened to bear a striking resemblance to Kenpachi Zaraki.

"No, really!" Yamcha shouted as security guards dragged him off the premises. "Ask anyone! I'm legit!"

At Kami's lookout...

Abridged!Vegeta stared Canon!Vegeta in the eye.

"Clearly there is only one way to settle once and for all who is the greatest Super Saiyan in history," said Canon!Vegeta.

"Goddammit, Nappa," Abridged!Vegeta muttered, staring at a crumpled script. "Really? That is the best you could come up with?"

"I had Hollywood's finest writers working on it around the clock," said Abridged!Nappa. "From the same people who brought us the wonderful Skygina."

Abridged!Vegeta groaned.

"God f***ing dammit," he muttered. "I am going to murder the bald one when I get back to earth."

"But, Vegeta!" said Abridged!Nappa. "We are on earth."

"...God...dammit, Nappa," Abridged!Vegeta and Canon!Vegeta groaned in perfect sync.

Ghost!Nappa popped up.

"Hiii, me. Hi, Vegetas."

The screams of rage could be heard from space.

A/N: I can't be the only one who's drawn the conclusion that the latest arc of Gintama is basically just one big respectful tip of the hat by Sorachi to fellow Jump mangaka Kishimoto, considering how the definitive series about ninja (for better or worse) Naruto is outright confirmed to be ending in five weeks. It feels like a rather heartwarming homage to me, and adds a subtle level of teariness to the actual content of the Shogun Assassination Arc's plot.

Either that, or Sorachi is just using the opportunity to cash in on the probable hype of one of this generation's Big Three shonen manga coming to an end. I prefer to think the former for sentimentality, but the latter is an amusing notion in a very meta sort of way.

Also I had no bloody idea how to end this.

I SHOULD NEVER WRITE WHEN I AM TIRED

Updated: 10-10-14

TTFN and R&R!

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