"Hey, baby, how are you?" I asked Rachel as she walked through the door. I could see in her face that she was exhausted. But yet there was something that I couldn't exactly place in her eyes.
"Just a long day at work," I hated the added stress of her diner job to her already hectic audition schedule. I hated that there were some weeks that I would only get to see her if I woke up in the middle of the night or if I woke up extremely early to finish a project at work. She begged to go back to the job whenever she was between parts and I foolishly thought it was a simple part time position. I made more than enough at my firm to support her very demanding life style, but she refused to take her extra time and relax.
"You know you don't have to be there, baby. I will gladly take care of you if that means that I can have you to myself more." I winked at her. I really did miss her though. We had talked about starting to expand our family months ago but then between the case I was working on at the time and her demanding role, we didn't revisit the thought. "What about we start the process of having that little you around here?" I asked with nothing but hope in my voice.
"Are you serious?" She asked. I knew that she really wanted a big family since she was an only child and well, we weren't getting any younger. I nodded and watched as she launched herself into my arms and littered my face with kisses. "I love you, I love you, I love you!" She chanted over and over again.
"You are going to be such a cute pregnant lady. I told her. I honestly couldn't wait to look through the invitro pamphlets that I collected from the doctor's office last month for my check-up. We had agreed that she would be the one to carry the baby since her job was easier to take the leave of absence from. "Does this mean you are going to give up the job at the diner?" I asked. I wouldn't help but worry constantly about everything if she were to get pregnant. I wanted her at home where she could do as she pleased and not be on her feet for eight to ten hours a day. I wanted her home with me at night and still in bed when I woke up the next morning. I wanted Sunday cuddles and tea. I wanted date night on Fridays and cleaning days on Saturdays. I wanted her to help me dress to impress before work and help me undress after work. As selfish as it sounded, I just wanted her with me.
"I'll put my two weeks in tomorrow." She told me firmly. "I can't wait to make you a mom. You are going to be such a good mom." She gushed as the wheels in her head were turning. I laughed as she got the distant look in her eyes whenever she was ranting in her head.
"Babe, come back to me." I told her, still chuckling. "I'll call the specialist tomorrow so we can start to pick out the donor." I didn't want to ask one of our friends to donate for us. First, it would be extremely awkward to know that my wife was carrying one of our friend's spawn. Second, we wanted the baby to at least have a hint of Hispanic root genetically. Rachel had thought that having a baby from a Hispanic baby would make it more like mine, but honestly, I just wanted a healthy baby.
Over the next few months, we had decided on a donor and started the routine check-ups that Rachel would have to go through before the invitro process began. We wanted to do this right by the book, so instead of jumping into the process, we decided to have Rachel tested for potential defects that could happen. The one thing I was majorly concerned with was that she was Jewish and tay sachs runs in Jewish lineage. After the long process and finding out that she was negative for the disease, we began the first round. I knew going into this, it was very possible for failed attempts. I knew that this would be hard on Rachel.
"Am I doing something wrong?" She would ask me after we looked at another negative pregnancy test. She hated the fact that she wouldn't get to be a mother yet and she was honestly scared that if it took too much longer, she would never have the chance to be one. "Am I not meant to do this?" She would voice her fears in a small voice that broke my heart.
"Baby, we won't give up unless you can't do this anymore." I would tell her after every time that she would need to be held and rocked. I didn't want this to kill her on the inside. I needed her to know that when she reached her limit, she could let me know and we would try a different route.
"One more time," She told me one Sunday evening. "If tomorrow's implants don't work, I don't think I could do this anymore." She told me without looking in my eyes.
"Te amo, Rachel." I told her sincerely. "Whatever you need, I won't be disappointed in you." I needed her to know that I still loved her. I needed her to know that it didn't change a single thing between us, whether we had a biological child or an adopted one.
Two weeks had passed before Rachel had bought a test. She wanted to do this one alone and as much as it broke my heart that she didn't want me, I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or pressured. I wanted her to know that I trusted her to keep herself sane and then when she needed me, I would be there.
"Rachel, I promise whatever it is, we can get through this." I begged while pounding on the bathroom door. As soon as I heard my wife's cry, I began to panic. I knew that the three minutes were up and I knew immediately what her cries meant. She wasn't going to get her chance to have the miracle of life blossom inside her womb. She wasn't going to be able to carry and protect her child inside before it met the outside world. When she finally opened the door, she was staring with a show stopping smile at the stick in her hand.
"Santana, it's positive, I'm pregnant!" She cried as she flung herself into my neck and sobbed. "We are going to have a family!" She told me and in that moment, nothing else mattered to me. All that I cared about was in my arms where they would both be for the rest of my life.
I wanted to try a little dabble in the Pezberry side. How did I do?