Consider yourself warned – this is ridiculous and was born from a sleep-deprived couple of nights and a random, silly comment that brought about multiple messages from readers. It in no way reflects on the previous parts of the story and should be ignored altogether if your taste does not run to the idiotic, imbecilic and downright childish. That said, for those of you who choose to run the gauntlet of self-mockery –

If you do not know the Doctor Who universe, firstly, shame on you and secondly, there are a couple of things you need to know. First, the Doctor regenerates every so often and a new actor comes in to play the character. David Tennant (aka Ten) is still my personal favourite. He is Scottish and has a wonderful accent, but for the most part, spoke like he was English. Doctor number Twelve is played by none other than Peter Capaldi (aka the Cardinal). He is also Scottish so I'm not sure what they put in the water up there, but one day I intend to go and look for myself. The TARDIS is his space ship/time machine and looks like a blue police box. He travels with various companions, one of whom was Martha. She was a mite smitten with him, but he was busy being smitten with his ex-companion, Rose. Long story; go and check it out.

Second thing you need to know – I hate zombie movies!

Chapter Twenty Four

The TARDIS was humming along nicely and the Doctor felt like it had been far too long since he'd had a real adventure. He sat with his feet propped up on the console and considered where he might stop off next. Before he could make a decision, the TARDIS began bleeping at him. He jumped to his feet and began checking readouts. He scratched his head as he tracked the numbers. They didn't make sense.

"What?"

Suddenly understanding hit and he jumped backwards.

"What! They can't do that!"

He reached around in his pocket until he found what he was looking for. The mobile phone had Martha's number on speed-dial and he grinned at the thought of talking to her again. She would have missed him by now. He heard the line click and he knew she was on the other end before she even spoke.

"Martha Jones! I'm on my way to pick you up. Wear something old, well, olden style, well … never mind, I've got things here you can wear and a sword and probably even a cape, although blue isn't really your best colour and they may just figure out you're a girl so I guess we'll go with the psychic paper, although most of 'em can't read so not really sure if …"

"Doctor! Take a breath!" Martha frowned at the voice on the other end of the phone. His manic rambling was a dead giveaway he was excited about something although she wasn't sure how it applied to her. It wasn't as if she traveled with him anymore.

"Oh, sorry. Just thought that maybe you might like one last spin around the old time loop and come and see something interesting."

In spite of herself, Martha felt the old familiar sense of fun rising within her. If nothing else, the Doctor's childish enthusiasm was always infectious. She sighed as she knew she was probably going to regret this.

"Hmmm , maybe. What did you have in mind? I am busy you know."

"Martha, in case you've forgotten, I can have you back before we even left. Or do I need to get you another tie?"

Martha smiled to herself as she remembered the first time she had met him. When she didn't answer, he went off again on another tangent.

"Good. Because I'm parked outside."

Martha had already figured as much and she opened her front door to see a familiar blue box standing across the street. The ridiculous man hanging against the doorway wore the same loopy grin he seemed to reserve for those days when he just assumed everybody would do as he suggested.

She felt a strange sense of déjà vu at the sight of him and wandered over to the TARDIS.

"And just where are we running off to this time?"

"Well … it's really interesting and I knew you'd want to come and see because you did so well last time… you know with Will Shakespeare, although I know what you mean about his breath, but seriously though, you managed to deal with the whole medieval thing, and not that this is really the same, but it almost is and you should meet Alexandre Dumas and those musketeers of his are just amazing and …"

"Doctor! Hold up a minute. You do know the three musketeers are characters in a book, right?"

"Oh Martha, clearly you need a close up view. They are not just characters in a book. They are real flesh and blood."

The Doctor tugged at his sleeve as if checking a watch. "And right now, they need me. I mean, they need us!"

Martha rolled her eyes at him, but found herself stepping into the TARDIS anyway. The feeling of coming home never ceased to amaze her and she smiled to herself.

"Hello, old girl."

Before she knew it, the Doctor had spun a few dials and flicked a couple of things and the time vortex sucked them in.

"So, why do the three musketeers need our help?"

"Well, actually there's four of them, well, five if you count their captain, well there's a whole lot more than that, but it's the five we need to go and find. You know, I've told you before there are some points that are fixed in time and can't be moved, well they can be, but they really can't be, or more like they really shouldn't be, but you of all people understand the whole timey-wimey thing and how time sometimes gets caught up in itself and that causes problems and then …"

"Doctor! What do we need to do?"

The Doctor sighed at her as he noted her serious face. Just because she was a doctor, did not mean she understood all things Doctor! To be fair, she'd kept up with most of the things he'd thrown at her and he continued on.

"There's a crack in the timeline. And something has bled through from somewhere else that shouldn't be there. If we don't fix it, it will only get bigger and consume the timeline."

"So it's serious then and not just a trip so you can go and play swords?"

"Martha! I don't play with swords! Well, there was this one time … but that was to save the planet! I had no choice." He looked down at his hand and smiled. "It's a fightin' hand!"

"Now, we have one more place to stop before we get there."

Suddenly the Doctor pulled a lever and the TARDIS came to a stop. The Doctor wandered over to the door and pulled it open. Standing on the other side was a man with a really bad mullet. Martha watched as he stared at the thing that had just materialised in front of him and seemed not to be fazed by it. He ran a hand over the door and took a peek inside. Apparently curiosity seemed to override fear because he quickly walked inside.

"Waaaaait for it." Martha muttered to herself. There was always some variation of the same comment. It's bigger on the inside. How did you do that? What is this thing? When it didn't come, she took a closer look at the guy who had just walked in. He seemed intent on examining the interior of the box he had just entered and was not in the least bit confused by it. He didn't seem to notice when the TARDIS took off again.

The Doctor walked over and stuck out a hand. "I've always wanted to meet you. I'm the Doctor."

Mullet-boy stuck out a hand in response. "Ah, the name's MacGyver, or most people call me Mac."

"I know. That's brilliant!" The Doctor grinned at him and turned to Martha. "I've got MacGyver in my TARDIS. This guy doesn't need a sonic screwdriver. Although I'm pretty sure he could build one of his own."

Martha stared at the man in front of her. She knew he looked familiar, but suddenly realised why. "You're Richard Dean Anderson! I've seen you on Stargate! But … older."

Mac frowned at her. "Ahh, you must have me mixed up with someone else. The name's Mac."

"Martha, this guy can build a nuclear bomb out of paperclips. He can design a water treatment plant out of paddlepop sticks. They test out his stuff all the time on Mythbusters! He can … "

Suddenly the Doctor spun back towards him. "You did bring your duct tape didn't you? Because we are going to need duct tape. Humpty Dumpty needs to be put back together."

Both of them stared at him as if he were crazy, although Martha at least knew that somewhere in there was some semblance of reality. She just hadn't figured out which bit yet.

"Please tell me you have your duct tape and we don't have to go back for it?"

MacGyver reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of tape. "Don't leave home without it. But what are you …"

"Excellent! I knew you wouldn't let us down. Now we are almost there." He pulled at a long brown lever and each of them noted the TARDIS pulled to a stop. The Doctor strode across and pulled open the door. Martha simply pointed towards the door.

"He expects us to follow."

Mac shook his head and figured he might as well see what was going on. The two of them walked out into bright sunshine and noted a man standing staring at them. He was wearing black leather and looked very angry.

"You cannot leave that thing there! It's blocking the King's roadway."

Martha looked behind and noted a carriage was stopped in the middle of the road. The cranky man was gesturing towards the TARDIS.

"You do know who I am, don't you?" he demanded when the Doctor didn't seem in a hurry to respond.

"Not really. Although you do look familiar. Now that I look at you, there is a certain something about you, but I can't quite put my finger on it." The Doctor squinted at the man glaring back at him.

"Move your contraption out of the way! Now!" The Cardinal glared at him before summoning two red guards. They had swords drawn and pointed at the strange man in front of him.

"Move it!"

The Doctor turned and frowned at Martha. "I was sure this was the right road. They should be along at any time now."

Suddenly they all heard the unmistakable sound of horses coming towards them. The Doctor turned on his heel with a broad grin. "We were a smidge early."

Each of them watched as the strangest thing rode into a sight. There was no mistaking the musketeer uniform. Four men rode alongside a fifth who looked decidedly … well … wrong!

As they got closer, Martha found herself wanting to laugh. It was an egg! There was an egg riding a horse! The egg had multiple cracks through its shell and looked miserable. The others were doing their best not to laugh. As they drew closer, the Doctor nudged MacGyver forward.

"This is why you are here. Humpty needs putting back together and what better thing to do it with than duct tape?"

Mac looked at the strange man and frowned. He didn't drink so he was convinced he was dreaming. The strangest dream he'd had in a while, but hey, why not?

"Athos, you know that you need to be put back together. Before you go spilling your yoke all over the road." Aramis pulled alongside his friend and grinned.

Athos glared at them all while trying not to crack his face any further. Bits of shell were already flaking off like dandruff.

D'Artagnan climbed down off his horse and headed for the man standing in the road, staring at Athos. He had to admit, his friend looked pretty funny. He noted the man had some kind of silver thing in his hands and he nodded towards it.

"What's that?"

"The most useful thing on the planet."

The Doctor coughed lightly behind him. "I wouldn't go that far, but it is pretty handy. Now you need to get to work on him because we've got another problem to take care of. And Martha here needs to get back to … what was it you needed to get back for exactly?"

Martha wasn't paying any attention any more. She was too busy eyeing off the gorgeous man still sitting on his horse. For his part, Porthos was staring right back.

"Oh puleeze! You got Will Shakespeare drooling all over you and writing sonnets and now it's a musketeer! Martha, you do know this isn't a romance novel. Right?"

"Of course. This is all so real." Martha didn't shift her eyes from where she was staring.

"Just checking that you hadn't gotten lost on me."

Meanwhile the Cardinal had given up that the strange group was ever going to pay attention and he ordered his guards to ease his carriage around them. By the time the Doctor noticed he had gone, he was still shaking his head. Nobody seemed to notice that the man had disappeared from inside his carriage until it reached Paris. The scriptwriters were very peeved at having to find a viable excuse for his absence from the second season. Personally, he blamed the strange man in the blue box!

The Doctor nodded as he considered the man he had only briefly met. "Interesting man. Rather handsome fellow. Although that tuft of fluff on his chin needs to go."

Mac was standing beside Athos' horse, wondering if this dream was ever going to come to an end. The youngest of the group of friends reached over and grabbed a roll of duct tape out of his hand. He pulled out a section and felt the strength in it. He stuck a piece against Athos and laughed as he pulled it away, along with a whole lot of hair. Eggs weren't supposed to have hair!

Before he knew what was happening, both d'Artagnan and MacGyver had wrapped oodles of duct tape around him and over his head, reaching down to his saddle and holding him securely onto his horse. They stood back to admire their work and Mac raised a hand in the air. When he got no response, he pointed to his hand with his other one.

"You are supposed to raise your hand and slap mine."

"Why?" d'Artagnan frowned at him.

"Because it's the cool thing to do. Don't leave me hanging here."

Athos sucked in a breath at the comment. Well, he would have if it were not for the duct tape over his mouth. D'Artagnan raised his hand and Mac high-fived him.

"See? Now that's cool."

As d'Artagnan lowered his hand, he felt that his hand was now warm, not cool.

Suddenly the Doctor came dancing over towards them. Maybe it was the strange boots he was wearing that made his feet react strangely. He pointed towards Aramis.

"I heard that you are pretty handy with a musket."

"Handy? He's the best marksman in the regiment!" The pride in d'Artagnan's voice made the Doctor smile.

"Well you'd best get that thing loaded. You've got some hunting to do and it will be here any minute now."

Treville looked at the strange man who was now ordering his men around. He was about to object when they all noticed something coming along the road towards them. It was still well in the distance, but it was definitely moving towards them.

The Doctor moved closer to Aramis. "You are going to want to load that weapon, rather quickly. And get him to load his too, in case you miss." He pointed towards Porthos who was currently staring doe-eyed at Martha. He snapped his fingers towards them.

"Oi! You two. Time for that later. Not now. Saving the day kind of thing needed instead."

Martha glared at him. "How original. No time for romance because there is always something more important to do. Like save the world. Unless of course it's you and Rose saving the world together. In which case, by all means, stare longingly into each other's eyes. And lean up against a wall and cry."

The Doctor looked at her, utterly clueless.

"I saw the DVD, remember?"

He raised an eyebrow at her, but turned back towards Aramis. " Loaded yet? Running out of time! Zombie coming!"

"What is a zombie?" Porthos didn't like this man who had made his love-interest upset. He spoke funny. And dressed funny. And walked funny. And what was the problem with his hair?

"That … is a zombie!" He pointed towards the thing shuffling slowly towards them. It looked a little like the woman they had buried a few days ago. Except that was impossible.

"When it gets close enough, shoot it. In the head!"

Athos tried to fidget on his horse, but the strange rope he had been trussed up with made it impossible to move.

"You didn't answer. What is a zombie?" Treville stared at the strange man while trying to keep an eye on the even stranger apparition coming down the road.

"Well, according to Wikipedia, a zombie is an animated corpse that has been raised by magical means such as witchcraft. Alternatively, zombies are fictional creatures, typically depicted as mindless, re-animated human corpses, sometimes animals, with a hunger for human flesh, regularly encountered in horror and fantasy themed works."

Martha rolled her eyes and she noted that Athos simultaneously did the same thing. It was the only part of him still able to move.

"In other words… shoot it!"

Aramis already had his musket raised and was aiming it at the vile creature shuffling towards them. He had shot Milady once already and had no problem shooting her again. In fact, he was enjoying himself. Not that he would tell Athos that or he would really crack it.

He sighted along the length of the musket and waited until the thing coming closer was almost staring him in the eyes. He still wasn't sure what it was, but it needed to die. The script said so and he knew there was no arguing with the script. He'd learned early on that if he did that, d'Artagnan got more air time. The kid might be young and somewhat good-looking, but really? He could speak multiple languages, although strangely, French wasn't one of them. He'd been trying out that weird Scottish dialect lately and had decided to give it up since he got slapped in the face a lot. But seriously, what did d'Artagnan have that he didn't? Why did the kid get the focus of the stories? He frowned a little until he remembered something else. The kid got beaten up more. Those crazy fanfic writers seemed to like hurting him! Maybe Porthos was right and they weren't right in the head.

He suddenly heard the others shouting his name and he realised the thing, the zombie, whatever it was, was almost on top of him. He could smell its breath and he gagged. If nothing else, it was enough to throw off any kind of romantic thoughts Athos may have been hiding towards his newly-dead wife. He squeezed the trigger and watched as his musket ball smashed into what remained of its head. Grey stuff splattered towards him and he looked annoyed. His uniform had been clean and now it would need dry-cleaning!

The Doctor looked around at the group and nodded, satisfied that his job was done. The breach in the timeline had been healed and there would be no more zombies running rampant across 17th century France. Of course, the vampires and clockwork monsters were a whole other issue, but zombies just did not belong there. He still wasn't sure how she came to be zombified, but he had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with insane fans. There was no dealing with them. They scared him! He'd seen what they did to him in their stories and he had enough trouble dealing with them in his own fandom, let alone somebody else's wading pool.

He grabbed MacGyver by the arm and pulled him towards the TARDIS.

"Time to go, Wonderboy. They need you back at Stargate Command. But first, you need a haircut!"

Martha smothered a laugh, before looking back wistfully at Porthos. She found herself whistling a tune as she slowly walked towards the TARDIS. She realised she was never going to get the chance to do it again and she turned around towards the group and burst into song.

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day.
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

The Doctor came sprinting towards her and clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Martha! That song was outlawed across the entire universe. I think it was instigated by the Parents' Union after most of their members went crazy from the never-ending repetition of it. It was on the charts for a hundred and seventy two years before finally being banned. I intentionally skipped most of that part of Earth history because of it. Please, don't ever do that to me again!"

Treville rounded up his men and pointed them back in the direction of Paris. He needed a drink. Or six! He watched as the very strange trio climbed into a blue box and it suddenly disappeared from view.

He looked at his men. "I am not reporting any of this. Agreed?"

Each of them nodded in agreement. "As if anyone would believe a word of it anyway."

Aramis looked across at where Athos was still duct-taped to his horse.

"At least they put you back together. Sort of."

D'Artagnan turned towards the camera and winked. "You do know this isn't the end don't you? Zombies don't die easily!"

My sincerest apologies to the BBC, Disney and anybody else I have forgotten. If you got this far, I promise to behave from now on. Thank you for indulging a silly idea shared by those who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty!