List Letters

A round robin extravaganza by the Penumbra_fic yahoo group! Come support the Assassins in Pajamas at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/penumbra_fic.

Characters were played by the following...

Albus Dumbledore.................................Lone Astronomer
Blaise Zabini..........................................Kali Ma
Charlie Weasley.....................................Adora
Draco Malfoy........................................Wicky
Ginny Weasley......................................Aurora de la Noche
Harry Potter..........................................Lone Astronomer
Hermione Granger.................................Chupa
Lavender Brown....................................Skitch
Minerva McGonagall............................Skitch
Oliver Wood.........................................Chupa
Pansy Parkinson...................................Mana
Peeves...................................................Mana
Percy Weasley......................................Skitch
Remus J. Lupin....................................Mistaria Wildflower
Ron Weasley........................................Aurora
Severus Snape......................................Adora
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington.....Kali Ma
Sirius Black..........................................Aurora de la Noche

Various and sundry other characters played by whoever felt like writing them.

Disclaimer: We own nothing but the madness behind the "plot"- enjoy.

***

To: My Dear Staff Members, Head Students
From: Albus D.
CC: SNDMP, Prefects

Salutations!

As most of you will recall, this Halloween is Sir Nick's 503rd Deathday. In honour of this event, Hogwarts is hosting a Halloween Costume Ball to be held in the Great Hall on All Hallow's Eve. Each Head of House should submit to me by the end of the day the costume theme their House has drawn from the Sorting Hat. These should be kept top-secret from members of any other House. If I discover that someone has been indiscriminate, I will assign such themes as "Goats of the 1st Century AD." All first, second, and third year students must be out of the Great Hall before eight o'clock.

There will be a Hogsmeade visit for fourth through eighth year tomorrow so that they may obtain the necessary supplies. As supervising staff, I expect proper spirit in the form of costumes. Those of you who are not Head of House may choose your own costume or adopt that of one of the Houses.

Also, would someone supervising the Hogsmeade visit kindly purchase a box of Sugarquills? The supply in the staff room is, I fear, dangerously low.

Oddment and Tweak,
Albus Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

***

To: Harry Potter; Ron Weasley
CC: All Gryffindors
From: Hermione Granger, The Perfect Prefect
Subject: Life and its subsequent overness.

Boys,
It's really not that bad! I mean, you can really deal with it if you try. All though, and this goes out to every single one of you, Griffindor: if I ever and I do mean EVER, find out who stuck that suggestion in the MagicHat, I will do something that I may regret... but only after a very long time. Revenge will be sweet. Fred and George, I'm glancing in your direction.

May Merlin save us.

Hermione.

P.S. F&G: I'm watching you!

***

To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Subject: What now?

Hermione,
I'm afraid I've been in the library working on a nasty four scroll essay for Binns all day, and I feel a bit out of the loop. I just now got to check my Mmail (finally!), but now I'm lost. What did my brilliant brothers do this time? Should I be afraid? And if so, how much? Anyway, I'm just on break, as I needed more ink, so I'm back to those horrifically dull Wand Core History reportings. Mmail me back when you get a chance, please. I'll check as soon as I can; believe me, I need a break!

Dying of ennui,
Gin

***

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger, The Perfect Prefect
Re: What Now?

Ginny Dear,
You, uh, wouldn't happen to know anything about a certain Hallowe'en Theme Submission with uh, quite a lot to do with er, sexually promiscuous females, would you? Because on second glance, this writing really looks quite a lot like... yours.
Oh. My. Good. Goddess.

But you were in the Library, weren't you? WEREN'T YOU?!

Hermione

P.S. If you're innocent, which you ARE, McGonagall pulled Wenches and Rogues out of the MagicHat as our Hallowe'en Costume Ball Theme. I don't think Ron will ever recover. He just sobs and sobs, and then sits up and yells something garbled about what Malfoy will say, and then collapses again. Please tell me this was just the work of a Cursive Copying charm, or something else we can attribute to your brothers... Please.

***

To: Hermione Granger
CC: all with the surname Weasley currently attending Hogwarts
From: Gin
Subject: Wenches and Rogues??

Fred! George!
Dear goodness...
Hermione, you wouldn't think I'd ever do that, would you? Wenches and rogues... Honestly. I was in the library! ...Pity Binns is already dead... And Ron, grow up, I'm not 11 any more, so stop treating me like a First Year.

So, Hermione, dear prefect friend of mine, would you happen to be privy to what is in the Hat, then, as suggestions? I'd like to get started on my costume soon, and ideas would be wonderful. (And, out of pure curiosity, what would Malfoy say?)

Yay! Only one more scroll to go! Anyone know a good book to find out about phoenix feathers as wand cores?

Love, the ambiguously innocent
Ginny!

***

To: All Gryffindors
From: Harry
Subject: Trouble

Okay. My first- only- question is: Whose idea was this? The responsible party had best come forward and face the music. Otherwise, it will be so much worse for you when I do find out who
it was. Rest assured, I will find out. And whatever Hermione may do to you will pale in comparison to what you will experience if I have to dig through all of Gryffindor Tower to find you.

You've been warned.

Harry

***

To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles
Subject: Re: Trouble

Harry,
Pleased as I was to hear from you, keep in mind to limit exactly what Gryffindors you Mmail to- all Gryffindors means all Gryffindors, even those of us out of school since- that's not important.

You know, there is a quick spell that'll not read anything you didn't intend into things you say/send. Say it once over your Mmail before you send it, and if you say All Gryffindors, it will be sent to All Gryffindors At Hogwarts, like you meant it. I'll leave it to you to find it- it's in a book that proved to be most helpful in those Maurading days.

Anyway, whatever it is that has you peeved, I'll take the fall for it. I did it, I confess. See? And you don't even have to dig through the Tower to find me. Not like you'll find me where I am now, but that's not something we'll go into in an easily intercepted Mmail.
Suffice it to say I'll be seeing you soon, Harry.

#Snuffles

***

To: Ginny Weasley
CC: Harry Potter
From: Hermione, TPP

Gin, darling,
I don't know why you're asking about the other suggestions; we've drawn one, so the rest have all burned to very fine little gray ashes (I'm having happy thoughts about subjecting your idiot twin brothers to this). That's how the MagicHat works, whatever theme we draw out of the MagicHat, we have to use. This means that joke or not, we are going to be dressing according to said theme.

As to your request for ideas, how does one dress as a Wench?

Oh dear, how I hate being a prefect at times. Stupid setting examples.

Hermione

P.S. Harry, perhaps we could compare notes as to the main suspects at this point?

P.P.S. Ginny, the book you're looking for is "Five Hundred and Three Uses for Phoenix Feather (And Not That You Naughty Wizard!)"

***

To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Woops.

Yikes! Hermione, when you said McG'd pulled that out of the Hat, I thought you meant pulled it out, like out of the running. We have to dress as- oh, dear.

As to how to dress as a wench? I may have something in your size.

Gin


P.S.-- thanks for the title! It helped a great lot! (Although, the sequel, "Five Hundred and Four Uses for Phoenix Feather, Yes That, You Naughty, Naughty Wizard, You", is a tad worrisome. If you need more costume ideas, check that book. Honestly, I needed three more inches, and so I checked the sequel... My eyes will never be the same again.)

***

To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Subject: Re: Trouble? What trouble?

Hey Harry?
What's this about hunting and digging and pain and such? I'm afraid I've no idea what's going on. Wait, does this have something to do with that Costume Ball? I'm going to be coming back for that, did you know? Katie Bell kind of asked me as her date, so technically I'm supposed to be dressed under your theme. Have you guys drawn one? Care to clue me in?

Thanks,
Oliver Wood,
Keeper, Puddlemere United.

P.S. Have you been keeping your Firebolt properly polished? You must show me when I come by. If you haven't been taking care of that wonderful, wonderful broom... Ahhh... Firebolt...

***

To: Albus Dumbledore
From: Minerva McGonagall
CC: Gryffindor's house theme, and the subsequent problems.

Albus, despite the genius of the idea that the students should be allowed to choose their house theme, I find that it poses... Something of a problem. As requested, the house theme will not be mentioned, but suffice it to say... It is rather... racy. (My personal suspicions as to the origins of said topic would be nothing but suspicions. But would it be amiss if one suggested Messrs. Weasley and Weasley?) Perhaps if other houses have not chosen yet, it could be... avoided in the future.

Sincerely,
Minerva.

***

To: All Gryffindor girls!
From: Lavender Brown
CC: Hogsmeade shopping trip!!

Obviously speaking here girls, this... Rogues and Wenches costume deal isn't something we all just have hanging around in our closets. Unless somebody needs to talk... But anyway, I propose we all go to Hogsmeade at the soonest available time, and check out Gladrags.

I'll also talk to my mum, and see if she can get us their latest catalogue for Halloween, and all that rubbish. If I do get my hands on that catalogue, I'll make copies for the 1st and 2nd years who can't go, and everything. Anyway, Mmail me ASAP girls as to when's the best time to go to Hogsmeade!!

Love,
Lav.

PS- I heard the Hufflepuffs were thinking about the topic of famous wizards. Can we all say "Blah!"

***

To: Snuffles, Know-It-All
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Wenches and Rogues

Padfoot:
You won't believe it. We are having a costume ball on Halloween and have to dress as "Wenches" and "Rogues." I very much doubt you're the one who has done this, but if it was you, you can expect a little something in return...

I don't even want to think about what would happen if the Slytherins have got a theme like this one. Gross.

Anyway, how does a rogue dress? Maybe I just won't go...

Hermione:
He didn't do it. I don't believe it for a second. The usual suspects, I'd say. Fred. George. Lee. Oh, Katie invited Oliver. That automatically puts her on the suspect list, I'd say. Last I heard
she had declared "open season" on the poor bloke.

Harry

***

To: Minnie
From: Fawkes' office
Subject: Re: Gryffindor's House Theme

You forget, my dear, I was once a Gryffindor myself. Wenches and Rogues? This should be most interesting.

You know very well that the other Houses chose on the same day that you did. Their selections are no less... amusing, I assure you.

Might I inquire as to what specifically a wench wears?

Albus

***

To: All current members of the Superior House, although I wonder about some
of you. (Slytherin)
From: Draco
Subject: The hell???

Really, kids... I expected more from you. Who the hell put that in the Hat? You expect me to wear that? I'm am suave. I do not do that style. There has to be a way to fix this.

Really. Come clean, and no one will get hurt.... very badly.
~Draco

***

To: Draco 'the stinking, lying, cheating little ferret' Malfoy
From: Zabini
Subject: Action and Reaction


Malfoy, you are a filthy little cheater! There is absolutely no way I am paying up, bet or no bet.

We agreed the task would be completed individually, with no help, remember?! Rigging the Gryffindor theme is beyond even your limits to do alone. The only way you could have pulled it off was with help from the inside!

I can't believe you still expect me to pay up- you cheated ferret boy!

Honestly. You think you know a guy and they go and pull a 'you' on you.

And did you really think I would sit by and let you play me as a fool?

While you were running around cheating me of my hard-earned galleons, I took it upon myself to submit a theme for the upcoming ball, and I got the impression for your Mmail that you weren't impressed.

I think you'd look good in fairy wings, Malfoy. Really, I do.

Perhaps you'll think twice before trying to cheat me next time, hmmm?

-Zabini

P.S: I really must congratulate you on the theme you stuck the Gryffindors with, though.

***

To: Malfoy Jr.
From: Snape, Severus, Potion Master extraordinaire
Subject: I'd better help

I was shocked to find out the theme for the contest. Since I really don't fancy seeing Gryffindor win, I will try to make this as dignified as possible for you. Tell me what you've come up with so
far, and I'll see what I can do to help. But not a word to anyone, not even Slytherins. This is just for a select 'few'.

***

To: Blaise, the little...
From: Draco
Subject: Fairy wings, my ass.

'Ickle Little Fairies'? You think that's a good theme? I mean, really, Blaise, there are some of us who will have to defend our masculinity at this party. I can't very well do that with wings and sparkles, now can I?

In other news: I know that I am a genius. I know that Gryffindor's rigged theme is a good one. I thought of it myself. And no, I did not have any 'inside help' as you call it. You really think that I would associate with those loser Gryffindors? Think again, Blaise dearest.

We're going to look almost as stupid as those Gryffindors at the ball, though. Fairies! Honestly.
~Draco

***

To: The best potions professor in the history of Hogwarts (Snape)
From: Your best student (Draco)
Subject: Fairies!

Is there any way that we can change the theme? Honestly... Blaise submitted 'Ickle Little Fairies'. That is the exact theme that she put in. You expect me to go out in wings? In front of the whole school? There has to be something we can do...

~Draco

***

To: Heads of Houses
From: Albus Dumbledore
Subject: No Laughing Matter

It has come to my attention that there has been illegal gambling taking place in the Slytherin dungeons. More than this, however, the betting is based on the theme of one of the other Houses. You have been warned- if you cannot keep your students' noses clean, you will all experience a theme of my choice- costumes provided, of course.

Do not trifle with me.

Albus

***

To: Lavender Brown
CC : All current Gryffindor girls
From: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Hogsmeade Shopping

Lav,

This weekend is a Hogsmeade one. I'd suggest we go then. Gladrags may have some, erm, wenchy things, but might I suggest Rogue's Corner for anything really in character? How handy is that, really, them having such a shop in the town. It's up on the hill, and waaaaay behind Honeydukes. (See? Brothers can be handy for some things.) We'll have to watch, though, that the other Houses don't see us coming from there. Not only will that give away our theme, but, well, you know rumours at Hogwarts! What would it look like, the lot of us coming grinning out with bags from Rogue's Corner? So, girls, what say we meet at noon in the Common Room on Saturday for our little trip?

Gin

***

To: Harry Potter
From: Paddy
Subject: You rogue, you!

Harry

A rogue? Hm.
Remember that book I mentioned? You'll find it more useful than just for petite charms. If you want to be a rogue, I'd suggest a trip to the library. And, of course, you have to go to the thing. Not only is it a DeathDay party for the good Sir Nick-- he's a help in many scenarios, mind you-- but it's in costume. I can almost taste the mayhem from here. Anyway, does House pride count for nothing? Show up as a Gryffindor Rogue!

As to the 'culprit,' this time it wasn't me. Blast. I almost wish it had been.

All my best,
#Snuffles

P.S.-- if you need anything, Harry, Mmail me.
P.P.S.-- don't forget, if your scar hurts, GO TO DUMBLEDORE immediately!
P.P.P.S.-- I fully expect to hear all about this costume.

***

To: Snape
From: A chum
Subject: I knew it.

Snape,
I have it on very good authority that your House will be sporting faerie wings soon. As Head of, you'll have to show some support, of course. Best of luck keeping your great grease-trap afloat if you decide to try out a faerie-like Levitation. Know that I wouldn't miss this for the world. Let's just say-- I'd break out of Azkaban to see this.

#B.

***

To: Remus J Lupin, former Professor of DADA, Hogwarts School
From: Some Marauding Beast
Subject: Hallowe'en

Moony,
Have you heard about Harry's Hallowe'en plans yet? If not, Mmail him-- I wouldn't want to spoil it for you! I'm sure that, as former professor, you're entitled to visit the school every now and then-- say, for special occasions like your House's ghost's DeathDay? And, of course, Professor, you'd need some kind of escort to ensure your safety during the dangerous journey from Hogsmeade's Apparition point to the school. Canine, perhaps?

(We'll put this in the pot, too: Snape will finally prove that he's a faerie!)

#Padfoot

***

To: Ablus Dumbledore
From: Severus Snape, Potions Master
Subject: Favour

Dear Albus,

On behalf of the students of my house, I ask your help. You know the theme they got stuck with. Several of the students have asked if it is possible to expand the subject a little. I will not go behind your back on this, so that is why I write this Mmail. Is it alright with you if the Slytherins take 'creatures of legends and faerietales' as a subject?

I feel I need to clarify how important this is. Just think of misters Crabbe and Goyle in pink costumes and wings, and you'll understand the seriousness of the issue. Anyone, even someone who has seen a lot of gruesome things, would get nightmares over that. Are we supposed to expose all our students to that?

S.S.

***

To: Draco Malfoy
From: Severus Snape, your guardian angel
Subject: Glimmer of hope

Dear Draco,

I may have found a way out of this. I m-mailed the Headmaster to ask for an alteration of subject, or rather an 'expansion' to be exact. If the Headmaster allows this expansion, the Slytherin pride is saved.

Keep your fingers crossed.

S.S.

***

To: "Chum"
From: Severus Snape, Potions Master Extraordinaire
Subject: Oh, really...

I know who you are. Don't you dare come NEAR the castle on All Hallow's Eve. If you do show up, Cornelius Fudge will be notified and you will feel the blessings of the Dementor's Kiss.

Apart from that, you are very wrong as to the costume-subject of my house. Wings are not an issue.

Good luck de-fleaing yourself,

S.S.

***

To: Charlie Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Hallowe'en Ball

Charlie,
Hi! You haven't written lately; have the dragons scorched all the parchment again?
As you may or may not know by now, depending on which Weasley you actually do talk to, Hogwarts is having a costume ball for Nearly Headless Nick's DeathDay party. Themes were chosen by House, as far as costuming goes. Here's where you come in, brother dear: Gryffindor's theme is, um, wenchesandrogues.

The girls from the House are going to Hogsmeade on Saturday, I think, to get some costumes. I know you've been to Rogue's Corner before, so if you could come up with any specific ideas, that would help a lot. I'm sure that most of what I'd say would get us all kicked out faster than that Bludger you hit at Bill that time he-- nevermind. I don't think I'm supposed to know about that.

Any help, dearest brother, would be greatly appreciated.

Your favourite little sister,
Gin

P.S.-- about dragons scorching all the parchment-- I stopped believing that when I was 9, so your reason for not writing better be good... Or else Mum may find out just how I know about Rogue's Corner...

***

To: Albus Dumbledore
From: Min McGonagall
CC: Recent rumors

Albus, the rumors I've been hearing are getting perhaps a bit too out of hand? First I hear that the Gryffindor girls are going to... well, a rather disreputable shop in Hogsmeade for their costumes, then... Well, I did hear a rumor as to Slytherin's theme. And I must say, for the sake of the preserved mental abilities of the entire school... I cannot help but wonder as to the surety of this idea. Also... I did hear that... House Heads are supposed to dress to their themes as well... Which led me to ask, could possibly the teachers have their own theme?

Sincerely,

Min

***

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Subject: This weekend

Gin, that's fantastic! We can get a major head start on our costumes, you know, just buying the basic... wenchy clothes at Rogues' corner, and then individually finishing our costumes- that
way everyone's unique! And to solve the question and problem of what to do with the Rogues' Corner bags, we'll just charm them to read "Gladrags", and ask them to wrap them in paper at the store. Taa daa! Why don't you ask your fantastic (cough-not!) brothers who manage oh so amazingly to get places so quickly, and secretly, if they could manage to provide us with a way of not being seen leaving?

Love,
Lav

PS- Did you hear? Slytherin's supposed to be FAIRIES! I heard Pansy muttering about it after class- Hey Gin- Draco Malfoy- AS A FAIRY!! Oh, god... This party will rock! (Even if we do have to be... wenches. I wonder what a rogue has to dress like? Hm... Don't they wear leggings? There are quite a few Gryffindor men I'd like to see in tights!! Tell Colin to bring his camera!)


To: All current Gryffindor girls, years 1-7
From: Lav Brown, your sole salvation from making your wenchy costumes
from scratch!
Subject: This Hogsmeade weekend!

Okay, everybody, there's a store out in Hogsmeade called Rogue's Corner, which, is just peachy with a side of keen! Everyone 3rd year and up- Gin and I are leading an expedition out there to get basic wenchy clothes needs- 1st and 2nd years, give us approximate sizes, money, and tastes, and we'll pick up stuff for you. So, if you're free to go shopping this weekend, meet us in the common room at noon!

Love, Lav Brown

PS- Go Gryffindor next weekend against Ravenclaw!!

***

To: Lavender Brown
From: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Slyth Faeries!

Lav,
Draco Malfoy as a faerie? Of course I'll tell Colin to bring his camera, now! What a night this will be for us all-- Harry Potter in tights, and Draco Malfoy with wings! It's enough to convince a girl to invest in a camera of her own!

The Gladrags thing might work- I'll still ask my brothers about the actual getting to the store and away from it business, though. That could be tricky. But, hey, what are Weasleys for, anyway?
Ugh! I just had a thought! Heads of Houses-- do we have to see McG as a wench? And Snape as a faerie?? Remember what I said about cameras? I'm not sure if I should second that or wonder if the lens would crack!

Always,
Gin

***

To: All Weasleys from Bill through the twins
From: your favourite sister
Subject: Hallowe'en

Hey, guys. You know I love you all lots, right? So it's time to teach lil' sis a few tricks of the Weasley trade. I'm not sending this to Ron, because I don't think he could handle any thoughts of the 'baby' growing up-- and if I find out what I want to know, it could make a great prank against him.

Anyway, as I'm sure y'all know, we have this Hallowe'en costume ball thing. Gryffindor are wenches and rogues. Yes, yes, your little sister has to dress as a wench. All the Gryff girls are going to Rogue's Corner in Hogsmeade on Saturday to get our costumes. Thing is, we don't really want to be seen going or coming back from that particular store. D'you guys have anything that'd help us to not be seen? Lav suggested that we disguise the RC bags as Gladrags ones, so we're covered there. And if you don't want to help, think of this-- what would Mum say if she heard about her baby going to Rogue's Corner? You know well enough I wouldn't be blamed.

Love you boys,
Gin

***

To: Blaise Zabini
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Costume Shopping!

Oh Blaise, can you believe it? Fairies! Our house theme is fairies! I'm just so delighted! You sent it in, didn't you? I can't believe you had the guts to! I would have if I hadn't been so embarrassed! You're the bestest friend ever, doing something like this for me! I owe you one!

Meanwhile, you do know the theme the Gryffindors got, right? Wenches and Rogues. I wonder who the brilliant one who thought up that was. At least now we'll see all the Gryffindors dressed as they really are. This Ball will be a blast, I'm already brushing up on a few jinxes...

We really must go shopping soon! M-Mail me back. Want to go next Hogsmeade weekend, because one's coming up soon!?

P.P.

***

To: Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington
From: Peeves
Subject: Deathday Invitation

Why hellosie hellosie Nicky! My oh my, I would have completely forgotten your D-day party if I hadn't heard those ickle firsties complaining about how they'd miss the party! "Party?" I thought, but managed to learn more from the kind, gracious Gray Lady after a bit of persuasion.

Now, I'd hate to tell you this, but I didn't receive the invitation which is why I'm RSVPing so late. I know you must have been worrying so when you didn't receive my answer right away, but never fear, I never miss a good party! After my nice talk with the Ravenclaw Nun I realized that my invitation MUST have gotten lost on MMail. There's just no other explanation!

I'll be there bright and early to help with the decorations. And don't you worry your little sinewy neck, I'll make sure it doesn't get boring!

***

To: Heads of House
From: Bumblebee
BCC: Prefects and Head Students
Subject: Cheese with that whine

My dear Minerva; my esteemed Professor Snape,

The next person who complains about the theme of their House's costumes will be dancing solo at the Ball as a Muggle nudist. Do I make myself perfectly clear?

***

To: My dear little Bumblebee
From: Sweet innocent Minnie
BCC: Prefects and House heads
Re: Brie, please.

Albie-pie, excruciatingly, crystal clear. And do be sure to wear your best fuchsia leggings, rogue-y poo.

Minnie.

***

To: Ginny Weasley (The Best One)
From: Hermione Granger, TPP (The Perfect Prefect)
Re: Hogsmeade

Oh my Goodness!

Ginny! You're not serious about us going there are you? Rogue's Corner... actually... I'm rather curious. Er- Your brothers won't be telling Ron about our little trip now, will they? Because you know that I'd never live this down...

Hermione

P.S. Are there actually rogues there? That could be interesting...

***

To: Snuffles
CC: Remus Lupin
From: The Rogue Who Lived
Subject: You're Kidding

At first I thought, a trip to the library to learn how to be a rogue? Maybe that cake Hermione sent Sirius was laced with something.

Now I know the truth. "Macking, Marauding and Mayhem for Magical Mischief Makers." Sirius... I owe you. Any chance the two of you had any hand in writing this?

Anyway, the costume- we're about to leave for Hogsmeade to get costumes. Pretty much everyone is checking out the Rogue's Corner or somesuch thing... I might take the cloak, as I really don't need to be seen in there by members of the associated press.

Thanks a lot, anyway.
Harry

***

To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Hogsmeade

Hermione,
Don't worry. I won't tell Ron, and I doubt the others will, either. Even if he does find out, no worries-- I've got enough on him to last a long while, and your going into the Corner won't seem a big deal at all. Remember, O Perfect Prefect-- I'm a Weasley, too.

Gin

P.S.-- your post script-- tell me you're kidding?

***

To: Harry Potter
From: Ron Weasley
Subject: Where was I during all this??

Harry,

I reckon you and 'Mione are right, and I am losing it, or just completely daft. Wenches and rogues?? I have to be a rogue? What the bloody-- Harry, do I- have to wear tights?? Or, or- leather? Remember how mad Mum was when she called Hermione a 'scarlet woman?' We'll never hear the end of it after she hears about this Ball. Not about Hermione, I mean. About- well, you and me as rogues. That makes Hermione a wench. And- sweet Merlin, my little sister, a wench!? Harry, mate, there's something seriously wrong with this school. And where the bloody deuce am I going to get leather in October? I'm sure I can just waltz right up to... to Madam Rosmerta in the pub and ask about it, eh?

Hey- judging by what I've heard, we should ask your godfather. I've heard a *lot* about him and leather. Maybe you won't have to buy a costume at all. (If he has a spare, mind you, I'd be grateful. More grateful, even, if you wouldn't ever mention to anyone that I'm asking for a convict's leather outfit. Or any leather outfit. Or--) Dumbledore's lost it, to allow something like this to happen. But. Hermione will be a wench. Don't they wear really, really lowcut things, and highcut skirts, and...? Oy. I think it'd be best if I returned from that foggy place where I guess I was.

Ron

***

To: Ron
BCC: Hermione
From: Harry
Subject: Gryffindor Wenches (sorry)

Ron,

You have to wear tights. Or leather. Might I suggest the latter, being somewhat less transparent. Plus, I hear the Slytherins have got to go as faeries, which means leotard for them as well, I'm
afraid. Let's not think about it.

Your mother does not need to know that we are dressing as Rogues and Wenches. Especially that Hermione and Ginny will be dressing that way. You definitely should lighten up about Ginny growing up, because she's the same age as we were last year, when you finally realized that Hermione was a girl.

You could always M-mail Sirius about the leather. You might have better luck with Professor Lupin, though.

Are you ready to go yet? You've been in the shower for close to an hour! The water isn't going to drown you. You might as well get your arse ready and get it over with.

Harry.

***

To: Hermione Granger, TPP
CC: Ginny Weasley, Parvati Patil, All Gryffindor girls (and I mean
all!!)
From: Lavender Brown, fast-talking, photo-magic mama

Girls- I have a once in a lifetime opportunity for all of you- I just managed to get my hands on a set of pictures Colin took. And, no these aren't just any pictures- they're the boys (Seamus, Dean, Harry, Neville, Ron, all other Gryffy guys) expressions when the house theme was called out- and I assure you, they're priceless.

Now, I ...relieved Colin of these (after being perfectly sure that there were no similar photos of us girls in a comparable state. And all that took was a little... creative negotiating.) and I'm running a special deal- for all you lovely Gryffindor girls out there, only 3 Knuts for a copy- and no, I've enchanted them to not be able to copy outside of my facilities, so don't even think about it, and for all non Gryffindors, well, an extra fee of 5. Anybody interested in a copy, Mmail me, or come and chat me up!

Love,

Lav

PS- If anyone's interested in my... creative negotiation... Well, let's just say, we never knew Hufflepuffs were daring enough... And who'd have guessed Colin...

***

To: Fae Boy Snape
CC: Current Slytherins
From: Fae Boy Draco
Subject: Oh shit.

To put it crudely... we're fucked. We'll just have to do as well with this as we can. Anyone know where to get some manly wings? We're stuck with our faerie theme.

~Draco

***

To: Albus Dumbledore
From: Severus Snape
Subject: I don't like cheese

Dear Headmaster,

Crystal clear.

S.S.

***

To: Ginny Weasley, my dearest sister
From: Charlie Weasley, her (dearest?) brother
Subject: Wenches and Rogues? Oo, you saucy... *clears throat*

Dear Gin,

No, the dragons didn't scorch the parchment. The Flobberworms ate it. True story!

But to get to the matter at hand. Wenches and rogues? Wow, I wish I could see that! Mind you, best not to tell mum about it. She'd have a fit.

As for help... let's see... I know for a fact that there are books on how to magic your clothes into something else. So if you really don't want to be seen going in or coming out of Rogue's Corner, I suggest you make a trip to the library instead. The book is called "Wizarding Wardrobes, a do-it-yourself handbook for every occasion!" I do think you should go and check it out. Rogue's Corner is hardly a place for a respectable young lady (and yes, I mean YOU) to go. Keep me posted and good luck. If you ever need any help, you'll know where to find me!

Love,

Charlie

***

To: Faerie Malfoy
From: Your Head of House
Subject: Faeries it is, then


It seems like we'll have to make the most of it. I'm thinking of a solution as we speak. I will not let the male Slytherins go to the party wearing faerie-clothing. There may be a loophole, so keep your fingers crossed. All I have to do is check something with your father...

S.S.

***

To: All current Slytherins
From: Your Head of House
Subject: WARNING

Dear students,

The Headmaster has informed me of illegal gambling in my House. Stop this immediately, or you'll get a different theme, made up by the Headmaster himself. And as you all know, that is something we should wish to avoid at all cost.

Be careful, and be warned.

Severus Snape

***

To: Draco the Fairie
From: Blaise
Subject: someone's pants are on fire...

I don't know why you're making such a fuss about my theme, Draco darling. It's the perfect opportunity for you to embrace your inner Tinkerbell! (You should be thankful, I almost entered 'gallant Gryffindors' as the theme... but even I'm not that cruel...)

And as for the matter of the Gryffindor theme. I know you're good Draco, but even you're not that good. Do you mean to tell me that you managed to sneak into the Gryffindor common room in order to submit the theme? Besides, I spoke to Padma Patil, and she says she saw you talking to one of the Weasel twins down the charms corridor...

Are you trying to make me angry, Sugarplum?

--Blaise.

***

To: Pansy
From: Blaise
Subject: Re: Costume shopping

I'm not sure I share your enthusiasm for our theme, Pansy, but it was worth it just to see the look on Draco's face when the theme was announced! Malfoy in tights. That'll teach him to try and pull one over me!

And yes, of course I've heard the Gryffindor theme. I also hear they're buying their costumes from Rouges Corner this Hogsmeade weekend. As you know, my brother works there, and I'm sure we could arrange with him to have some nasty surprises waiting for the 'ickle Gryffindors...

Would you mind filling the erstwhile Malfoy in of this plan? I would, but I know you're simply dying for a chance to talk to him.

--Blaise

***

To: Albus Dumbledore, headmaster
From: Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington
Subject: Peeves

Headmaster,

You know I am most appreciative of the trouble you are going to for my Deathday party. But young Peeves has gotten wind of the event
and invited himself!

I feel I must object to his inclusion, good sir, and not just for my own benefit. The safety of the students could be at risk!

Are you aware of the trouble he caused at the Halloween Ball held in the honour of The Fat Friar a few hundred years ago? Headmaster
Bobbin was almost sacked over the whole affair!

Perhaps you could have a word with Peeves? I would be most grateful, as heaven knows he refuses to listen to me!

Sincerely,
Sir Nicholas.

***

To: Harry Potter, Gryffindor
From: Remus Lupin
Subject: Re:Hallowe'en

Dear Harry,

Since Gryffindor's house ghost's 503rd Deathday is coming closer and closer I wondered if Gryffindor is planning something to not let this pass by unnoticed. Has your House, or the school for that matter, already come up with something for Hallowe'en's Eve? If so, I would be delighted to be part of the celebration, possibly even in the company of a certain stray dog who would very much like to see you again one of these days...

Please let me know all about it -

~Remus

***

To: Blaise the Mad Bobbysocker
From: Draco, who is not your sugarplum
Subject: Nothing's flaming here, including my pants.

Blaise, I almost wish that you would have put 'Gallant Gryffindors' in our themes. At least we'd have an excuse to look flaming gay then! You just wait until my father hears of this theme. He'll be pissed off, and you know that it's not good to be on the receiving end of that from experience, eh Blaise?

And as for the Gryffindors' theme... Maybe, maybe not. I'll never tell.

~Draco, who is not gay.

***

To: Drakie

CC: Blaise

From: Pansy

Subject: --

You know how Blaise's brother is working at Rogue's Corner in Hogsmeade? Well, she was planning on arranging something with him to get the Gryffindorks. We want to get word to him before Hogsmeade Weekend. Care to join in on the fun?

***

To: Sir Patty *

From: Nearly Headless Nicky - Poo! **

Subject: Invitation Why Patty dearest!

I'm having my 503rd Deathday party on Halloween and it would be delightful if you could just drop in! Bring the entire Headless Hunt if they'd care to join, after all, it was such fun on my 500th! No need to repondez! I do insist you come and dazzle us with your game!

* Sir Patrick of the Headless Hunt (page 104 UK Version of CoS)

** From Nearly Headless Nick - plagiarism courtesy of Peeves

***

To: Peeves the Poltergeist

BCC: Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington

From: The Headmaster

Subject: All Hallow's

Dear sir,

It is with some degree of reluctance that I must inform you of your mission. On the eve of the thirty-first of October you are required to renew your Poltergeisting Permit at the Ministry of Magic. As you are well aware, this will take several hours. Your appointment is at 8:30 PM exactly; please arrive early to err on the side of caution. Failure to comply will, of course, result in immediate eviction from school grounds.

Yours sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

***

To: Moony

CC: Padfoot, Ron, Hermione

From: The Junior Marauder

Moony,

We haven't got anything planned as yet, but we do have the means and are open to suggestions. Should everyone's favourite Prefect see Dumbledore about a night's accommodations? After all, it's nowhere near that time of the month. Besides, we do have other Gryffindor Graduates attending as dates... maybe you can go with Hermione.

Harry, the Youngest Marauder

***

To: Albus

From: Minerva

Re: Peeves

Albus,

Today many of the students have been complaining about ... increased efforts from Peeves to harass them. Would you have any idea as to why he was just so ... Peeves today?

Min

PS- Sorry about the... er, previous mmail. I didn't mean most of it.

***

To: Ron

BCC: Harry

Subject: Leather?

Oh Ron!

Dear Ron, I have it on good authority that you may be wearing leather as part of your *cough* costume for the ball. May I suggest a pair of tight leather pants?

Hahahahha.

Love,

Hermione.

***

To: Lav Brown (The Best Gryffindor Wench Around)

From: Hermione Granger, TPP

Re: Photos

Lav,

Can I order 10? And if my order gets around, I'll know who to hex, get me?

Really dear, what did you do to poor Colin? He's been walking rather strangely lately...

Oh dear.

Hermione.

***

To: Headmaster Dumbledore

From: Hermione Granger, TPP

Subject: Peeves

Sir,

I was wondering if you could -er- speak to Peeves about how he treats the Prefects. I wouldn't ask you to reinforce our authority, but he has gone completely mad! I tried to stop him from drenching a third year today in the dungeons, and he drenched me instead! When tried to tell him to stop, he cursed at me in quite a disturbing manner and then tied hundreds of little knots in my already drenched hair. It took me 'til about ten minutes ago to get them out! This is the last straw, I'm now behind in potions as I had no time to write out the essay Professor Snape assigned! I can't believe his nerve! Please sir, make him pay.

Thank you,

Hermione Granger.

***

To: Mione Granger, TPP

From: Lav Brown, the Best Gryffindor Wench

Re: Your Order, madam!

Sure thing- hop by and see me, and I'll get you account all straightened out- and it'll be strictly confidential! *wink* And as for the Colin answer, take it from me that the reason he's walking funny has nothing to do with me. As to why... well, lets just say that the reason that cute Hufflepuff Seeker's off the market isn't a doe-eyed Hufflepuff girl, if you get my drift.

Love, Lav

I blackmailed Colin Creevey! Ask him why!

***

To: All Current Gryffindors

From: Oliver Wood

Subject: Rogue's Corner plot.

Hi Everyone.

I'm sorry to bother you, but I came across some rather disturbing information on my trip to Rogue's Corner for my costume, today. It turns out that a certain Senior Saleswizard at the Hogsmeade location has a rather familiar surname. Geoff Zabini was a fifth year when I came to Hogwarts, and as I recall, was rather a typical Slytherin. I happened to be passing behind him as he was typing on his PalmOwl and glimpsed a fragment of his message to his sister, who I am aware is now at Hogwarts. The Gryffindor girls wouldn't be planning to go to Rogue's corner this Saturday, would they? Because he was planning something rather horrible I'm afraid. If you all do go... Be very, very careful. Under no circumstances accept any clothes that he's picked out. And do not take the change rooms on the left side. In fact, try to use Samantha Johnson if you have any questions. She's really quite informative. And no, Katie, I am not interested in her.

Merlin.

No need to thank me; once a Gryffindor, always a Gryffindor.

Oliver.

***

To: Gin Weasley

From: Lav Brown, the BGW

CC: All current Gryffie girls

Dammit! How could this've happened... Anyone have any good ideas, or will we just have to go on and be super duper uber careful? And come to think of it...

Love,

Lav, who is now plotting...

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: All Current Gryffindor Girls

CC: Fred Weasley, George Weasley, (Weasley's Wizard Wheezes)

From: Hermione Granger, TPP

Re: Rogue's Corner Plot.

Listen up all of you,

I've just come from the Prefects meeting, where the 5th year Slytherin Prefects were looking awfully smug. We have got to get them back. What shall we do? I've already talked to Gred and Forge. They're ready and willing to help. Has anyone got any ideas to aid in their plans?

Hermione.

***

To: Oliver Wood, Puddlemere United player extraordinare

From: Lavender Brown, currently Best Gryffindor wench

Re: Rogues Corner

So, I can assume you're coming Oliver, because that would explain the costume buying. If so, let us know- I'm sure Fred and George would value your help- last I heard they were planning a prankapalooza on the Slimy Slytheretards (who are to be fairies) and want all the help they can get- also, I'll fix you up with all the latest gossip! If not, Oliver, you have quite a bit of explaining to do!

Love, Lav

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: Mione Granger, TPP

From: Lav Brown, the BGW

CC: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom, The not-so-dynamic duo, Gin Weasley, Charlie and Bill Weasley, Parvati Patil.

Subject: Re: Slytheretards.

Too true, Mione!! I say we beat 'em at their own game! If you were a Slytherin, and may God save your poor sorry (expletive deleted) soul, what would you do with your costume? If you answered hide it with unhuman shame unless you're Pansy Parkinson, you're right, and you win a cookie! (And maybe the story about my lack of scruples.) Now, once our dear Slytheretards have hidden their precious little costumes, I say we have Gryffindor's sneakiest, bravest and best go say.... sabotage, anyone? We'll make up a team of crack commando pranksters headed up by our wonderful, wacky Weasley twins, and send them on a mission to Slytherin's dorm themselves- and I suggest blinders to miss what must be Draco's lingerie, whoever has the bad luck to go in that sod's room, and change their costumes... creatively? That's my best bet on a revenge served hi-frickin'-lariously.

Love,

Lav Brown, the Best Gryffindor Wench

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: Harry bloody Potter

From: Ron.

Subject: -

Harry you great prat,

We. don't. mention. Leather. to Hermione. Especially when I'm to be wearing it!

And about my realizing Hermione's a girl, and your comment about Ginny in the same sentence-- she's not a girl, she's a sister, and a little sister, and above all, my little sister. Got it, Potter?

Ok. Slyth faeries. I can live with that.

Ron

PS- what's this about Prof Lupin and leather??

***

To: Lav Brown

From: Gin Wealsey

Subject: Photos

Lav,

Is there one of the whole lot of them together? I spent all but 5 knuts of my spare allowance last week on sweets (the rest I'm saving for costuming purposes), so there's a problem there. If there's one of all of them, I'd very much like to order it, of course.

Love,

Gin

P.S.-- you did what to Colin to get these?

***

To: Charlie Weasley

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Flobberworms?

Charlie,

Flobberworms? Honestly. You're such a boy sometimes. Thanks so much for the info about the book! That should be really handy- I'll be sure to tell all the girls about it, as I've just heard about a plot against Gryffs at Rogue's Corner. I'll tell you in another letter (I am in school, you know, I do have work I should be doing) all about it.

And, obviously I won't tell Mum about this. (-:

Love always,

Gin

***

To: Hermione-can-stuff-it Granger

From: Ron.

Subject: --

HERM,

Just because you want to see me in tight leather trousers doesn't mean I'll show up in them. I don't know where you'd even come up with such utter nonsense. Really. Um. Up for a game of chess later, maybe? (No mention of leather, though, or I'll hex you! You know I've improved on my Tarantangella, and you know I know how you don't like to dance!)

L-

Ron.

PS-- I won't call you "Herm" if you don't talk about leather!

***

To: Lavender Brown

CC: All current Gryffindor girls

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Wenching!

Lav,

You know my brother, Charlie. I wrote to him after we found out about this wench business, and he sent me the title of a book at the library. I just borrowed it, and it's great. Wizarding Wardrobes, A do-it-Yourself Handbook for Every Occasion. Wow. They do mean every. Lav, they have wenching things in there! All we need are some old robes we don't really care much for anymore, add a little magic, and we're set! We don't need to go to Rogue's Corner at all! Maybe for one or two smaller items, if we can figure out what's not cursed against us, for accessories, though. There's only one copy, though, so might I suggest that rather than going to Hogsmeade, all us gals get together in one of the larger female dorms and make our costumes together? After all, we don't want the boys to see... the process. Right. The process. This is great!

Love,

Gin

***

To: Gin Weasley

From: Lav Brown, the BGW

CC: Gryffie current girls

Re: Costuming

God bless you Ginny Weasley. And tell Charlie if he ever needs one (And I doubt it, with his looks) he has a big, fat, wet, smack on each cheek from me. That'll work perfectly- why don't we do it this weekend in the fifth year girls' dorm?

Love,

Lav

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: Gin Weasley, my personal savior

From: Lav Brown, the BGW

BCC: Mione Granger, TPP

Re: Blackmail

The story with that it well... touchy. Literally. Let's just say my eyes'll never be the same, and that the cute Hufflepuff Seeker isn't sighing over some doe-eyed girl. If you catch my meaning. Well, if that's all, catch you later Gin!

Love,

Lav

I blackmailed Colin Creevey! You asked me why!

PS- If you ask real nicely, I'll tell you the story about my almost complete lack of scruples!

***

To: Pansy

From: Dragon-Boy.

Subject: Too late.

Hey kid-

The Gryffindors already have it figured out. Don't even ask how I know that. I won't tell. So the plan's no good. Tell Blaise's brother to be on the lookout anyway. We'll just have to find another way to embarrass those turds. In other news: Has anyone noticed that Colin's been walking a little funny lately? I mean, not that I've been staring at his ass or anything.... Erm... Best end it here.

~Draco

***

To: Lav Brown, BGW

From: The Wood, Puddlemere United

Re: Plot

Yes.

I was buying a costume. Honestly Lavender, you're almost as bad as my female Quidditch fans. I'm going with Katie, she asked me and I had nothing else to do... Oh goddess, don't tell her I said that, ok? I love her. I really do. Please Lav, I'll do something for you if you just keep your mouth shut, I will! And how did you blackmail Colin Creevy?

Groveling,

Oliver

***

To: Mr. Grovelling

From: The kind, and nice BGW

Re: Your secret's safe with me

Me?

I wouldn't dream of telling her- but Oliver, honestly, you need to stop letting your mouth run away with you- then perhaps you wouldn't have to worry about me telling people things. But certainly speaking, you do need to get caught up on everything, and you most certainly need to talk to Gred and Forge.

Love,

Lav

PS- Let's just say I now know how he butters his toast.

***

To: The great sulking blind one

From: his exasperated friend

Subject: Get over it

Ron,

You know you want her. So does the rest of Gryffindor Tower, with the possible exception of Her Perfect Prefectness. Get over yourself and ask her to the ball already. And Ginny, who is most definitely a girl, whether she is a sister, a younger sister, or your little sister, is still a girl, and quite the girl at that. You have to realize that, just like you realized Hermione is a girl. Well, maybe not quite the same way.

Don't ask about Lupin and Leather. Some things were not meant to be common knowledge.

Harry

***

To: Hermione Granger, TPP

CC: All current Prefects, PRJL

From: Headmaster Dumbledore

Subject: Peeves

My dear Miss Granger,

I cannot, unfortunately, take much action against a licensed poltergeist such as Peeves. I suggest you direct your inquiries towards a onetime Professor who might have some interesting views on how to discourage him from bothering you further. You might know him and his four-legged companion as Moony and Padfoot...

Your Headmaster,

Albus Dumbledore

***

To: Virginia Weasley

From: Gryffindor's Favourite Seeker

Subject: Wenchwear

So, Gin,

I heard you found a book on costuming... Want to share the wealth? I really have nothing to wear, although the book a friend recommended is enlightening. I'll share if you will.

Harry

***

To: Lavvie Poo, BGW

From: Ollie

Subject: Colin!?

Wow.

Who would have thought? Hmmm... So that alluded-to Hufflepuff is... Oh my. Justin does get around, doesn't he? I seem to remember him being known as quite the flirt even by the erm- Swingers, in my year. *grin* And I am helping. Apparently a certain Slytherin female is a huge fan... Oh lord. I don't know how I let the twins talk me into this. Or how they knew. How did they know, anyhow? They seem quite caught up on the Slytherin gossip for "normal" Gryffindor pranksters... Curiouser and curiouser.

Oliver

P.S. Sorry about the addressing... The Gryffindor Disgraces somehow charmed my Mmail to change the names in the To and From fields by just sending me a message (!), resulting in some very strange misnomers. I am so going to get them somehow.

***

To: Harry I'm-famous-so-I-can-bloody-say-whatever-I-want Potter

From: Ron I'm-going-to-kick-my-famous-friend's-arse--ask-me-how

Subject: I *what??*

H,

What, Hermione? I want her?? Mate, you're out of your bleedin' mind. I- Wait, the rest of the Tower? And me get over myself? You're the one not only telling my that I want Hermione, you're talking about my LITTLE SISTER like she's. Not my little sister, but some- some wench who'll just- I can't continue with that train of thought. She- she's just a baby! I won't have this discussion any more! Lupin and leather-- you're the one who brought it up! Maybe I'll just ask Sirius- or Lupin himself! Hmpf. Maybe I really don't want to know, though.

Out to get you,

Ron

***

To: Hermione Granger

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Nice day

Hermione,

Isn't it a nice day today? I think it is. The Tower's really nice. You can see outside, and all. Through the windows. Unless you cast a spell to- nevermind. Of course you'd already know that, you being Hermione, and all. I mean that in a good way! I like that you know everything! Maybe not everything, but more than I know. Nights are nice, too, don't you think? With the moon, and everything? It's a lot darker than day, but that's because it's. Night. So, Hallowe'en's soon. That night is Nick's DeathDay party, y'know? Isn't it weird that our House got stuck with wenches and rogues for a theme? Um. Areyougoingwithanyone? If you're not, we could maybe, y'know, walk in together, or. something. So we don't look daft, walking in alone and all leathery or whatnot. If you want. I. It was a stupid thing, wasn't it? Just forget it, if you want. Yeah. That. I'm going to go. Enjoy the day. Because it's nice. I said that.

Nice day,

Ron

***

To: Ron

From: HERMIONE Granger, TPP.

Re: Chess.

Yes, let's. And you are such a git. Hmph.

Love, Hermione.

***

To: Ollie-pork-chop

From: Lavvie-snuggles

Re: Slytheretards

Why,

Oliver, if we didn't stay abreast of the rumors, why, we'd still be in danger of cursed wenchy costumes! So, I'll be looking forward to seeing you- also, I'll definitely be waiting for what ever it is Gred and Forge have you doing!

Love,

Lav, the BGW

PS- Swingers, Oliver? You wouldn't have happened to be one of those "swingers", hmmm?

I blackmailed Colin Creevey and you know why!

***

To: Ron

From: Hermione, TPP

Re: Your suggestion

Oops, sorry Ron. I sent that last message before I'd gotten your um... Yeah. Alright, here goes... Yes. I would love to go to the ball with you. Thank you for asking me. And that leathery comment... So you are going to take my suggestion? Tee. Hee.

Love,

Hermione

***

To: Gryffindor's *Only* Seeker

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Re: Wenchwear

Harry,

First off, I can't believe you put 'wenchwear' in the subject line! I was in the Common Room when I got that Mmail, and Ron was next to me, like he has been the last few days- d'you know why he's suddenly so overprotective towards me? Anyway, as soon as he saw your subject line, he about scampered out growling about something- it's the first time in three days I've been rid of him! I took that time to make my escape (I'm in the Astronomy Tower now- there's usually no one here, as it's technically out of bounds, but I've never been caught. And it's about the last place Ron would look for me.) And yes, I have a very handy book. If yours is anywhere near the level of this one, I'd be delighted to share. If you want to look it over now-ish, I'm free. I'll be in this Tower for another few hours, or until Ron finds me. I've got the book with me, too, so that's not a problem. I can help you pick something out, too, for your costume- guys have abysmal taste in fashion. No offence, just something I've picked up over the last lifetime of living with Bill. And Charlie. And Percy, Fred, George, and Ron.

I'll see you later, then,

Gin

***

To: Hermione

From: Ron

Subject: You will?

Hermione,

Great! I'll see you then, then! Um. We'll meet in the Common Room before the ball thing?

Ron

PS- never mind

***

To: Harry

From: Hermione Granger, TPP

Subject: Ball

He FINALLY asked me. Harry, you wouldn't be going with anyone yet, would you? Because I think you and Ginny seem to be erm- a good match... you know? Oh Merlin. So, I'm bad with this Match Making stuff. I'm just trying to make things good. I mean, gooder than before, I mean... I don't know what I mean! Somebody stop me please! I'm losing my grasp of grammar.

Woo!

Hermione.

***

To: Moony

From: Padfoot

Subject: All Hallow's

Moonster,

Are we on for Hallowe'en at Hogwarts? Today's my last day on this Order mission, and my next isn't until 14 November, so I'm set there. I know you're on that one with me, so you should also be free for the- festivities. Also- once a Gryff, always a Gryff, right? Let's break out our old leather and go all the roguish way, Moony! We'll show up those schoolchildren- show them what rogues really are. (Thanks to that fantastic new disguise spell we finally managed to merge together, we both can!) Just like them good ol' days, eh?

#Padfoot

***

To: Lav Brown

CC: All current Gryffs

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Slyth

Lav et al,

The Slytherin password is Never Caught. Don't ask how I know this, just be very, very proud of me, and extremely thankful. Anyone not know where their Common Room is? Ask. Who's up for a... visit?

Gin

***

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: the ball

Hermione,

I've a few questions for you, if you don't mind. :) First off, d'you have any idea why Ron's being so overbearing lately? It seems every time I turn around, there he is, blocking me or just wanting to do some 'sibling bonding.' He's been bent lately on calling me "Baby Sis," too, which bothers me to no end. Anyway, I've finally managed to throw him off my trail (actually, Harry did, inadvertently- I got an Mmail from him with the word 'wench' in the subject line, and then Ron positively scampered away! I didn't stick around to see where he went, just so long as I could get to where I am now), and I can breathe now. Gah! Which brings me to my next two points: Is it true? Are you going to the ball with Ron?? Wow. I don't know whether to say 'congratulations/it's about time' or wish you luck along with my condolences! Um. D'you know if Harry has a date yet? I'm just going to go back to looking at costume ideas (I have the book with me). I found one that would look really good on you! We'll try it out on Saturday, when we all get together to make them.

Love,

Gin

***

To: My favorite Potions professor in Hogwarts.

From: Your star pupil

Re: An idea...

Professor-

I was just thinking about the fairy dilemma, and thought of this- the themes are just guidelines, right? So we don't really have to even dress as the theme. Are you thinking along the same lines I am?

~Draco

***

To: Mafloy
From: Zabini
Subject: Stinky little Gryffindors and stinky little ferrets...


D.

This morning at breakfast a first year told me she heard a second year boy telling the Weasley girl our password in return for a first edition 'The Incredible Hippogriff' magazine. Now, you and I both know that you have informants Gryffindor, so perhaps you'd like to take a moment and ask them what the hell that house is planning.

Hmm, I have a nifty idea! How about, you tell me where in all of hell your information is coming from, and I'll tell you exactly how to get around this pesky little faerie theme. Sounds fair, no?

I'll give you some time to ponder that...

Z.

***

To: Miss Brown
From: a customer
Subject: happy snaps.

Brown,

Rumor has it you have some rather interesting photo's in your possession. I might just be interested in taking a few off of your hands, regardless of the price...

Mmail me back, and we might me able to work something out.

x.

***

To: the prat
From: his exasperated best friend
subject: Halloween Ball

Ron,
You flobberworm. You're so completely blind. Congratulations on asking Hermione to the ball at last, however. Took you bloody well long enough.

Good. Ask Lupin and Sirius about leather. Don't hold me responsible for whatever images they plant in your brain.

As for GINNY, your sister, who can take care of herself, there was a lineup this morning to ask her to the ball. I think there's a pool going to see who you're going to deck first. You might want to get in on it.

Harry

***

To: Ginny Weasley, Gryffindor Sneak and *more* than just "Ron's *little sister*"
From: One of many seekers
Subject: Resources

Gin,

Worry not about Ron. I've found a way to keep him occupied. Maybe you know her; her name is Hermione.

The book I've got is called "Macking, Marauding and Mayhem for Magical Mischief Makers" and includes not only ways to sabotage the wardrobe of others, but several simple leather Transfiguration tricks and a complete handdrawn map of the school. Very useful for finding unoccupied classrooms.

But since you're in the Astronomy Tower, that's irrelevant. I'll be there in two minutes.

Harry

***

To: Draco Malfoy
CC: Severus Snape
From: Lucius Malfoy
Subject: Hallowe'en costume theme

Dear son, Dear Severus,

Let me make one thing entirely clear: try to find a way around this. If this can't be done: make sure you look good. Who says Faeries can't wear leather pants?

Son, make me proud.

Your father

PS: your mother says hello and also some more embarrassing things that I will not tell you here, because Severus can read it as well.

***

To: Draco Malfoy
From: Severus Snape
Subject: --

Draco,

You read what your father said. Get to it.

And in case your mission to get around the subject fails: might I suggest tight white leather pants and no shirt with wings made of real feathers?

Good luck.

Professor Snape

PS: Motherly love. How... touching

***

To: Gin Weasley, bad, bad, girl extraordinare!

From: Lav, the BGW.

Re: You're a bloody genius!

CC: Gryff. tower- 1- 7th year

Gin-

Have I told you recently that you're a fantastic, fantastic example of a human being today? Well, now you know. And think you deserve my title of Best Gryffindor Wench, but see, I've gotten really attached to it, so I get to be the Best Gryffindor Evil Wench. (Of course, evil in a purely tricky and Slytherin-y hate way, not evil as in You-Know-Who evil.) In any case, Mr. and Mr. Weasley have informed me that in order to have the least allowance of time to possibly fix their costumes, we'll have to do it rather close to dance time- plus, a brilliant little idea of my own- why don't we charm them so that our dear Slytherin friends THINK they're still in their nice little costumes (not) and yet, everyone else sees them for what they truly are? I think that would work smashingly. How about, the night before, we have a little recon, and then pull the switcheroo on the Slyther-pies? I think that'll work quite well, hmm?

Love,

Lav, the BGEW

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: Mione Granger, TPP

From: Lav Brown, the BGEW

Re: Oh.My.GOD!!!

BCC: Harry Potter, Gin Weasley

Mione-

I heard from an unnamed source that you'll be going with RON!! If this is true, CONGRATS!! (and thank God you two'll stop tripping around each other like love sick flobberworms!!) If not, go ask the sodding idiotic bugger RIGHT AWAY!! (I also heard quite a bit of sighing and giggling as he passed by from QUITE a few underclassmen!)

Love, and best wishes!

Lav, the BGEW

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: Harry Potter, the Boy who lived, but also the Boy who's rather daft!!

From: Lav Brown, the BGEW, and possibly your voice of reason!

Re: A certain Red head you need to talk to!

BCC: Mione Granger, TPP

Harry,

I realize you've vanquished evil overlords time and again, but wake up!! Everyone's noticed the looks you've been giving Ginny, and you need to do something before a certain arch-nemesis of yours does! As you should honestly know by now, you aren't the only one who's fallen for Gin, bless the poor stalked girl, but you are the one she wants! And you'd better do something right quick before she agrees to go with some... sap who asks her in the hall! For the love of God, and yours and her sakes ASK HER TO THE BLEEDING BALL!

Love,

Lav, the BGEW

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: Blaise Zabini

From: Your supplier of merriment!

Re: Photographic funnies

Blaise,

If you didn't think I could trace your mmail, well, now you know. And as to your request, I'd like to think I'm a fair person. If you can convince me that these photographs are to be used for strictly personal enjoyment, we can meet and discuss pricing.

Yours sincerely,

The BGEW.

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Ask him why!

***

To: Gin Weasley, the BGW

From: Lav Brown, the BGEW

Re: The boy who's daft

BCC: Mione Granger, TPP

Gin-

It may be possible that I sent a certain fellow who I've noticed you had an eye on a... pep letter to ask a certain red haired Grffindor something, regardless of that red head's overprotective brothers, so if he suddenly... pops a question on you, I expect you to answer him positively.

Best Luck and wishes,

Lav, the BGEW

PS- Your first girl's name better be Lavender.

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

You know why!

***

To: Lavender Brown, BGEW

From: The boy who's rather annoyed

Subject: Re: redhead

Well Miss BGEW...

I understand your concern. Rest assured the issue is taken care of. Did you have to interrupt us for that? I knew I should have left my PalmOwl in the dormitory.

Harry

PS- a word of this to anyone and the Slytherins' costumes won't be the only ones sabotaged.

***

To: Lavender Brown, BGEW

From: Hermione Granger, TPP

Re: Your "congratulatory note"

Lav,

I am somewhat bemused. What on EARTH do you mean? "Flobberworms"! Now that's just disgusting. *sigh* But thank you for your best wishes, dear. I can't believe I didn't just give up on that brain-dead sweetheart. On to more pressing matters, I'm so glad you've joined my plot to get Harry and Ginny together before a certain blonde-haired ferret can try to corner her. *Shudder* He's such a dirty boy. I think I saw Harry run out of here a little while ago (I'm in the common room). Muttering something about the Astronomy Tower. Strange, no? Maybe we shouldn't have bothered him.

Thinking about where Ginny could be... (Astronomy Tower, anyone?)

Hermione

***

To: The boy who should be doing a happy dance!

From: The BGEW

Subject: Oh, keep your knickers on.

BCC: Mione

Yeesh, Harry,

Calm down, and be happy. Sorry to have interrupted (although I must profess, now you've led me to wonder what I interrupted...) and congratulations!!

Lav, The BGEW

PS- If Gin's there- took you two long enough!!

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

Gin knows why!

***

To: Mione Weasley (I mean Granger!), TPP

From: Lav Brown, BGEW

Re: Red head fever!

Mione-

Congrats! Finally snagged the red headed ijit! And by the way, love sick flobberworms are rather cute! You can even see old flobberworm couples... flob in flob, flobbing around! Okay, maybe not. But in any case, it does rather seem as though red head fever's going around... And we'll see if I can't manage to keep that rodent-man of the snakes away from Gin. I feel honestly sorry for her, despite the fact that she does have the Boy Who Lived wrapped around her finger. Of course, I could say that about other people I know as well...

Lav, the inherently mischievous.

PS- Astronomy tower? Harry saying I interrupted them? Hmmm!

I blackmailed Colin Creevey!

It's really funny!

***

To: A young, white, ferret man

From: Potentially his worst nightmare

Re: Your taste in women

BCC: Slytherin dungeons, Ravenclaw dormitories, Hufflepuff dormitories, and Gryffindor tower (sans all Weasleys and Harry Potter), all years- present and not.

Mr. Malfoy.

It has come to my attention that you, one evil Slytherin ferret- hole, have laid your stinking little beady eyes on a Ms. Virginia Weasley. First, I have to say, Ms. Parkinson MUST be crushed. Secondly, you are toast the very second you try anything with her- and no, you aren't worrying here about a letter from one of her brothers, or Mr. Potter, or any Gryffindor male. They'd punch first, and not bother to ask questions at all. So I suggest that you find some not really nice Slytherin girl rather quickly and manage to convince yourself and her you like her. Or, there always is the option of buttering your toast to the other side, to which I could give you the names of quite a few like-minded individuals out there. In any case, this was your honestly not so friendly warning to kindly remove your presence firmly from any areas that Ms. Weasley may reside or occupy.

Have an awful day,

An unhelpful informant

***

To: All Concerned Gryffindors, Years 3-7

From: Fred Weasley, Prankster Extraordinaire.

Subject: Diabolical Hogsmeade trip

Dear Ickle thirdsies, fourthsies, fifthsies, somewhat older sixths, and sexy sevenths ('specially you Angelina!).

As you are all aware tomorrow is Saturday, and our wonderfully thought-out theme for the Halloween ball requires us to procure some rather risqué items. Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes has plan to set up a costume-creating booth right here in Gryffindor's very own common room! Come one, come all! And be amazed by your creatively Wenchy and Rogue-esque costumes! Also, the you-know-what on October 30th is going on as planned. Those of you who have been specifically chosen for your stealth and accuracy at charms will be notified by Mmail. So remember to check often. That is all.

-Gred

P.S. Angie you darling, come with me to the ball? You won't soon be forgetting it if you do... *waggling eyebrows suggestively*

***

To: Fred Weasley

From: Lav Brown, the BGEW

Re: a severe dose of TMI

CC: Gryffindors years 3-7

Fred,

I say this for everyone, except perhaps Angie- that was a severe overdose of too much information.

Lav, the BGEW

I blackmailed Colin Creevey and threatened/taunted Draco Malfoy!

And isn't it funny?

***

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Hermione Granger, TPP

Subject: EEEEE!

Gin!

Rumor has it you and Harry have FINALLY hooked up! Congrats! I'm so happy for you. And I will try to control Ron. Speaking of, do you know where he is? He asked me to meet him to play chess and didn't show. I'm getting rather worried.

Oh, and Harry, if you're reading this. Remember who gave you this happiness. Oh yes. You OWE me Mr. Potter!

Hermione

***

To: Lavender, BGEW

From: Hermione, TPP

Re: Your ingenious little message

Lav,

You Go Girl! I knew it was you, but what a wonderful idea, putting a misdirecting charm on the address you used! Can you teach me how to do that? And you may want to stay out of Ginny's way if she finds out though. She will be horrified and/or disgusted, and very, very unstable.

Hermione

***

To: Mione Weasley (Oops!)

From: Lav, the BGEW

Re: Unstable Weasleys

She wouldn't be the only one... hmm... if they found out-

Scenario:

A very bloodied and probably dead: Draco Malfoy

In detention for the rest of their lives, perhaps even expelled: Harry, Ron, Fred, George

Furious: Percy

Possibly involved in the aforementioned death of Mr. Malfoy: Bill and Charlie

In doodie for starting it all: Me

Crying somewhere: You and Gin

Yelling "they killed my precious future death eater!": Voldemort

Trying to kill us all: Lucius Malfoy

Yes, perhaps it's well if no one finds out. Note, that's why I used the charm.

Love, Lav

I blackmailed Colin Creevey and taunted/threatened Draco Malfoy!

And it was fun!

***

To: H.P.

From: A violent R. W.

Subject: A certain little sister

"As for GINNY, your sister, who can take care of herself, there was a lineup this morning to ask her to the ball. I think there's a pool going to see who you're going to deck first. You might want to get in on it." Potter, all I have to say is this: YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN IN THAT LINE. If you were, a pool won't bloody be needed.

***

To: Lav, BGEW

From: Gin, BGW

Subject: Slyth recon

Lav,

I'm in. What say... 4 am? No one is ever awake then. I've got some great spells and lovely hexes that will be super handy. (Harry showed me a book that had some wicked ideas in it. We put our heads together and... improved several of them.)

Gin

***

To: Lav

From: Gin

Subject: Explain

Lav--

Gin-

It may be possible that I sent a certain fellow who I've noticed you had an eye on a... pep letter to ask a certain red haired Grffindor something, regardless of that red head's overprotective brothers, so if he suddenly... pops a question on you, I expect you to answer him positively.

Best Luck and wishes,

Lav, the BGEW

PS- Your first girl's name better be Lavender.

If you're saying what I think you're saying... Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Love,

Gin

P.S.-- "our first girl"!?

***

To: Hermione Granger

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Re: EEEEEEEE!!

Hermione,

What rumor? I haven't heard any- or, um, "hooked up" in such a way as to give rise to a rumor. Harry and I were in the Astronomy Tower, where I escaped Ron, but all we did was go over costume ideas and such things. I helped him pick out a very dashing rogue ensemble. That's really all. Anyway, I think I had something in my teeth, or maybe my hair was mussed up or something- every time I looked up from one of the books we had out, Harry was looking at me really strangely. I suggested he get some Pepper Up, and I think he may have. I hope he did, as he looked kind of ill, the way he does before a big Quidditch match.

Ernie McMillan asked me to the ball today. He pretty much cornered me on my way down from that Tower. I told him that I didn't know yet, and I'd get back to him. Right after I got away from him, Dean asked me. Is there some kind of weird bet thing going around to ask me? Honestly, even Draco Malfoy was looking at me today. He rushed away in a huff right after I returned the glance, so I'm actually hoping he just wanted to hex my robes, or something. That was just freaky. Anyway, I think I'm just going to hide out in my dorm for the rest of the afternoon. I'll be in yours in a little while, though, so we girls can all work out our costuming; I'll bring my book.

See you then,

a vaguely scared Ginny

***

To: Hermione Granger, Lav Brown (BGEW)

From: Gin, the afraid

Subject: Um.

My plan had been to hide out in my room to avoid the scary folk who seem to have made a pastime of disturbing me, but then I realized I'd left my book in the Astronomy Tower. Girls, I went back there, but as I passed the library on the way back to Gryff Tower, Draco Malfoy stopped me. He pulled me into an alcove and told me that he's planning to wear leather to the ball. Right after that, he let go my arms and looked at me like he expected something. I kneed him in the groin and ran back to my room. I'm in here now, hiding. I'm going to be here for a long, long while, I think. Unfortunately, I left my book in the hall after I was assaulted. D'you think either of you could grab it for me? I don't think I want to get out of the covers right now. Or ever again.

Staying in the dark,

Gin

***

To: Virginia Weasley

From: Harry

Subject: Halloween Ball

Gin,

I've got your book- found it on the floor on the way back from the Hospital Wing. I passed Draco Malfoy on the way back. He looked a little green; it was great. Anyway, um... see you in the morning.

Harry

I'm a big prat!

Ask me why!

***

To: Harry

From: Gin

Subject: Great!

Harry,

Great, you've got my book? Lovely. I'm hiding in my room right now, so you can either sneak up here to give it to me (Ron'd love that!), or just give it to Hermione or Lav to pass on. Are you feeling any better? Did you get any Pepper Up? I do hope you're all right, especially with Hallowe'en coming up and everything. Oh, and Malfoy- he's the whole reason I'm hiding up here! He basically assaulted me in the hall on the way back from the Tower, but I kneed him in the groin and ran away once he gave me half a chance. Good thing he's looking green!

Always,

Gin

P.S.-- Harry, why are you a big prat?

***

To: Gin

From: Harry

Subject: Hiding

Malfoy touched you? He's dead. I'll be back in ten minutes, can I deliver your book then? Are you alone in your dorm by any chance?

Harry

PS- I can't tell you like this. See you in a few.

***

To: Harry

From: Gin

Subject: Re: Hiding

Oh, honestly, he only grabbed my arms and told me he wants to wear leather to the ball. And no, there's no one else in my dorm right now. I guess I'll see you when you get here, then...

Gin

***

To: Gin

From: Harry

Subject: Resolution

No more worries about Malfoy. Let's just say he won't be coming near you anytime soon. He hasn't, er, got the balls. Be there soon.

H

***

To: Bill Weasley

From: Twin Terrors

Subject: The Ball and the Baby

Hey big brother,

There's no chance you can sic an Egyptian curse on Draco Malfoy, is there? He's been getting a little too close to our little sister. Lucky for her we taught her how to take care of herself. Cho Chang mentioned something about you in Arithmancy today. She is way too young for you. And vulnerable. Lay off.

Fred and George (mostly George)

***

To: Gin Weasley, BGW, you poor baby

From: Lav Brown, BGEW, apparently the ignored

Re: Meeting

BCC: Mione Granger, TPP

Sure,

Be there in a few- I ran into Harry in the hall, and he looked UBER pissed, love- muttering something about Malfoy- I can only assume he heard about your unfortunate run in with the king of slimy Slytherin-y ferretness? Well, in any case, what I meant previously, and don't be silly my girl, you know exactly what I meant. Putting your heads together? Harry telling me I was interrupting? Don't be shy!! Tell Auntie Lav and your sister in law (did I say that? Bad, bad Lavender.) Mione all about it when we get there. I have a few errands to run so I'll see you in about 10 minutes?

In a hurry,

Lav, the BGEW

PS- Yes, your first girl will be named Lavender. Lavender Hermione Potter-Weasley... Sounds nice, hmm? Remember!

***

To: Blaise

From: Draco

Subject: I fart in your general direction.

Blaise, darling.

I've already got a way around the theme. Guess what... I'm not telling my way around it or who the informant is... not that there is an informant.

Bwahaha. Ha.

~Draco

***

To: Father

From: Draco

Subject: Thank you.

Dear Father-

Thank you for the suggestion of leather. I may need a bag of galleons to get a new pair, along with the rest of my costume. I may have found a way around the theme, but I'm not sure yet. Still- the galleons will be needed.

Thanks for your help.

~Draco

***

To: Father

From: Draco

Subject: Ps...

Father-

I remembered this bit just after I sent that last Mmail. Tell mother that I love her as well, and that I'm running out of underwear. Green silk would be nice, and some black too.

Getting desperate-

~Draco

***

To: Snape, who I'm not quite sure about at the moment.

From: Draco

Re: ...

Snape-

Leather pants- maybe. Wings- maybe. Shirtless- probably not. The flamingness of that last MMail almost scorched me, Severus. You really should remember that it's looked down upon for professors to lust after students. Even if the student in question is a sexy beast.

~Draco

P.S.- What did you say about my mother? Careful, I may just have to give you the smackdown. Although you'd probably enjoy it, you sick freak.

***

To: the boy who smells like a ferret

From: Blaise

Subject: *censored*

Found your own way around the theme? Well, aren't we a clever boy then? Wait, did I just say clever? What I meant was, UNBELIEVABLY STUPID! What is this I hear about you lusting after a Weasley? A Weasely, Draco?! Are you trying to destroy your reputation? And what is your father going to say when I tell him? Of course, if you tell me which of those Gryffindor nerds is passing you information, I might just keep my mouth shut, and your father won't have to kill you. (Which he will if he finds out. Weasleys are only one step above Mudbloods and Muggles, you know that!) And do you know what the Gryffindors are planning? Because they are definitely up to something, the smiley little worms.

A Weasley.

Honestly, Princess, have you no shame?

--Blaise

***

To: Lavender Brown

From: Blaise Zabini

Subject: Are you sure you should be proud of being a wench?

B,

Hmm, perhaps I should be giving more credit to Gryffindor brain power? Then again, perhaps not. And on the topic of the photo's... How about, you give me the photos, and I'll tell you exactly who entered your theme and which of the members of your house helped them do it.

Think on it.

B.

***

To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Subject: Lost Marbles...

Paddy...

What are you talking about? Off course this Marauder is coming to wreak havoc over the HW festivities. Just one thing: WE WILL NOT MERGE TOGETHER.

At least not at the beginning of the evening... *Roguish Grin* Oh - that might not be what you meant. Well, I'll just go find the leather trousers, then?!

~Moony

***

To: Blaise Zambini
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Wenchness.

Well, I guess so. It's better than being a fairy.

In any case, I suppose that would be a perfectly acceptable form of payment. How many copies would you like, and I'll decide if it's reasonable. And naturally speaking, you somehow got the pictures in some nefarious, unhanded way, and I in no way supplied you. Fair?

Brown.

PS- Never underestimate Gryffindor intelligence. We have Hermione on our side.

I blackmailed Colin Creevey and threatened/taunted Draco Malfoy!
I'm sure you approve!

***

To: Blaise
From: The boy who smells quite nice, thank you.
Subject: -

Blaise-
You really think that I'm in love, or even lusting after a Weasley? My, my. You are even more gullible than I thought. I hate Weasleys, remember? Keep that in mind next time you spread gossip about me.

On the subject of Gryffindors... They are planning many things. You'll have to be more specific on that.
~D, who is not a princess. Or a ferret.

I was a ferret!
Ask me and I'll kill you!

***

To: Gin

From: Harry

Subject: NOT what I had planned

Suffice it to say that wasn't exactly what I'd planned... and the fact that Lav walked in did not help matters. Good thing she's susceptible to bribes. Anyway, the point was originally going to be: I know I'm daft, but will you go to the ball with me?

Harry

***

To: Lav Finnegan (Oh, I'm sorry... Did I BCC him this?)

From: Hermione the Vengeful

BCC: Seamus Finnegan

Subject: Re: Unstable Weasleys

You idiot.

Just because no one knows it was you doesn't mean that no one will get hurt. *sigh* Sometimes I wonder about you, Lavender. Oh, and by the by, Seamus really should get a move on if he wants to get you for his date for the ball, don't you think? Muahaha. That's what you get. No Weasley for this Hermione! Granger is just fine, thank you very much.

Hermione.

P.S. Though, Hermione Granger-Weasley does have a nice ring to it...

***

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Hermione, The Vengeful, But Perfect, Prefect.

Subject: Re: EEEEEEEE!!

You mean, he didn't ask you?!? Oh Merlin. Harry J. Potter, you are SO in for it! And Ginny, I hope it isn't too late. STAY AWAY FROM THAT SCUM MALFOY!

Hermione.

***

To: Harry James Potter

From: Hermione Granger, The Vengeful, But Perfect, Prefect.

Subject: Ginny.

I thought you asked her! You silly boy! Go, now! Ask her! Before someone else does, you great, big, coward! Yes, that's right. I don't care how many times you've beaten back ol' Voldie, you, Harry Potter, are a coward! JUST TELL HER YOU GIT!

Love,

Hermione.

***

To: Harry

From: Gin

Subject: (-:

Harry,

Hm. I don't know. I mean, Malfoy is going to wear leather to the ball... Of course I'll go with you, you silly creature!

Gin

P.S.- About Malfoy? Just kidding. Although I'd be more than glad to hear your thoughts on leather...

***

To: Hermione, Lav

From: Gin

Subject: Yes

Indeed, ladies, Harry's asked me to the ball.

Love,

Gin

***

To: Hermione Granger-Weasley, TVPP

From: Lavender Brown, Seamus's BGEW

CC: Seamus Finnegan, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, Gin Weasley

Subject: Why thank you!

As a matter of fact, I was wondering when he'd get around to it. He asked me to the ball, and we're now dating. Thanks, Mione! Plus, I'm glad that you think Granger-Weasley's a nice last name. It'll probably be yours. But I dunno if Ginny Weasley-Potter'll work. She may just have to settle for taking his last name. (And no one will mention the hideousness that would be Ginny Malfoy. Because that's just gross.) In any case, why must you worry about me? I can handle myself and any and all death threats that come my way! Harry, I'm taking over your job! I'll vanquish the Dark Lord. And he can just eat my merry little shorts.

Anyway, as the happy news of the day, Draco Malfoy had to go to the infirmary because of me! Aren't you all proud? And I might have misheard it, but I think I heard over Pansy's screaming of, "DRACO MY HUNNY BUN!! WHAT DID THAT (expletive deleted) DO TO YOU!?!" Blaise Zabini was laughing. I rather think she's in a bit of as spat with Draco dear. Not that I blame her or anything. The ijit's a complete narky diddle, but somehow I was less surprised than I ought. I may have to resort to dealing with Slytherins and see if I can get an inside source out of her. In any case, don't forget me when planning your weddings, Mrs. Granger-Weasley, and Mrs. Potter!!

Love,

Lav, Seamus's BGEW.

PS- Seamus? Smoochies.

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

Isn't everyone proud!

(And I didn't get caught!!)

***

To: Gin Potter, Harry's (Better be!) BGW

From: Lav (Hopefully Finnegan) Brown, SBGEW

CC: Mione Granger-Weasley, TVPP

Tell me you said yes you git!!!!!

Lav

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

Isn't everyone proud?

(And I didn't get caught!!)

***

To: Gin

From: Hermione

Re: Yes, indeed.

Oh. Good. Wait, what am I saying? YES! Congratulations Dear! This is wonderful!! I knew he'd do it. He just needed a bit of coaxing.

Muahah.

Hermione.

P.S. Evil laughing is quite a lot of fun. You should try it sometime.

***

To: Lav

From: Gin

Subject: Me, too!

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

Isn't everyone proud!

(And I didn't get caught!!)

Well, Lav, that'll have two of us, then. He's in the hospital wing? Maybe we should send some get-well-soon acid pops his way.

Or not.

Love,

Gin

***

To: Lav

From: Gin

Subject: "Tell me you said yes you git!!!!!"

Lav,

C'mon, Harry in leather as my escort to the ball? Of course I said yes, you daft little wench.

Gin

P.S.-- if you Mrs. Potter me again, I'll be sure to hex you. Or else it'll be a Cheering Charm so you can feel the same way I do right now!!

P.P.S.-- Congrats on the Seamus front

***

To: Gin Potter, HGBW

From: Lav Finnegan, SBGEW

Re: Bits!

Hmm...

Acid pops with a carefully formed shrinking charm? Please??!?

Lav

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

You're proud!

(And they were tiny before I'm sure!!)

***

To: Hermione

From: Gin

Subject: Coaxing?

Hermione, What kind of coaxing? Please tell me you didn't somehow blackmail Harry into asking me.

Gin

***

To: Mrs. Gin POTTER!!! HBGW

From: Mrs. Lav Finnegan, SBGEW

Re: Happiness

Too late-

I feel like I've got twenty cheering charms on me already. Seamus is just too cute to feel otherwise- and you'd best not hex the person your first girl's GOING to be named after!!

Lav Finnegan, Evil Taken Wench

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

You did too!!

***

To: Lav

From: Gin

Subject: Re: bits

Lav,

D'you think he really needs a shrinking charm? An Engorgio-- that'd startle him more, I think. Hm. Never mind size- any thoughts as to colour or...? Hee.

Gin

***

To: Gin

From: Hermione, TVPP

Re: Coaxing?

Oh dear! Of course not! All I did was give him a stern talking to because he was too scared to say more than a muddled bit of splutter to you! He really does like you, Gin. I mean it.

Hermione.

***

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: You think?

Hermione,

D'you really think he likes me?

Gin

***

To: Gin Potter, HBGW

From: Lav Finnegan, ETW

Re: Poor Malfoy sickie poo!!

Hmmm..

They must be purple by now, due to "Draco Malfoy crotch- kicking" season being open. I'm surprisd more people haven't taken advantage of it by now. (cough, your boyfriend who's madly irritated Malfoy tried to force his leather pantsness on you, cough) In any case, I say we send a little "care" package courtesy of "Pansy" to Draco dear, with a few of your brothers' "treats", specially flavored of course, with "interesting" side effects, hmm? Draco's bitty bits should be made to turn purple-blue with pink polka dots and shrivel... d'you think Gred and Forge can handle it? In any case, this should be vast fun... especially when Draco reams out Pansy... hopefully in the Great Hall.....

Love,

Lav Finnegan, ETW

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

You're proud!

***

To: Lav Finnegan, with whatever new acronym she's cooked up for herself

CC: Messrs Gred 'n Forge

From: Gin

Subject: Ferret baiting

Lav,

Fred and George can handle it (boys: order for care package, via "Pansy," to Malfoy in the hospital wing containing treats to make his bits turn purple-blue with pink polka dots. And shrivel.) . Great idea. Anything else we can do, mebbe a bit more... public? *vbeg*

Love,

Gin

***

To: Gin Potter, HBGW

From: Lav Finnegan, Evil Taken Wench (see? ETW.)

CC: Messrs. Weasley and Weasley

Re: Visible side effects? My evil specialty.

Oh, you want visible? (Evil laughter) In that case, Messrs. Weasley, We'll need some more permanent Canary Creams... But I was wondering.... could you make them Ferret Creams? It'd be nice if they had a delay charm on them, so I can trigger them, too. Also... I think we need some of those hair dye charms I saw in Witch Weekly put into food form- guys, I'll give you the charm, and you handle the foodness. I think pink, or... hmm? Lavender, maybe? (more E. laughs) I also thought it'd be cool if we could use a slime potion in food so that he drips slime for a day. A BO potion could aslo be nice- I find that if you leave out the mugwort in a BO prevention potion (an unforeseen accident involving a favor for Dean) it has quite the opposite effect. And that's just in addition to some non-visible stuff I want in there too....

the aforementioned bits changingness, If you guys (Gred and Forge) could possibly tell me the likelihood of a chest hair growing charm or potions available for use, I'd be much obliged. Perhaps if we used enough, it'd be visible too? Hmmm... (even more E. laughs) In any case, Seamus is looking at me funny for all my evil laughing, and suggesting I take Voldemort up against Lucius and Draco in an evil beauty pageant, I think I should stop.

Love,

Lav, the devious, underhanded, and decidedly cute, (that was Seamus!) ETW

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

You should be proud!

***

To: Lav

From: Gin

Subject: BO

Lav,

I was pressed up against a wall by this ferretty fellow. Believe me, we don't need a BO Charm for him. Really.

Gin

***

To: Gin Potter, HBGW

From: Lav Finnegan, ETW

Re: Re: BO

Hmm....

How 'bout a Weight Gain Charm then? No leather pants for that blimpie then.

Love,

Lav Finnegan, ETW

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

You're proud!

***

To: Lav

From: Gin

Subject: "blimpie"

Lav,

Let's keep this just between us, but I kind of was looking forward to seeing him in leather. Revenge is all well and good, but let's face it, he is a hottie. When he's not bouncing about in various corridors, shoving innocent girls against walls, or being an overall git, that is. Maybe just a week-long Silencing Spell? That takes off number three of his unattractive list. *vbeg* Ah, how I love Hallowe'en-- men in leather!

Love,

Gin

***

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: I've got my eye on you

Word around is that you've asked wee little Gin-Gin to a certain ball. Every swaying step you take, Potter, I'll be watching you. Now, where the buggering bugger are you? I can't find you or wee little Gin-Gin right now, and this worries me. If she has anything that looks any bit bigger than a freckle on her skin, anywhere, you're dead.

Ron.

***

To: Hermione

From: Ron

Subject: Gin and Potter

Hermione, I know that a certain Potter asked Ginny to the ball, and I'm pretty sure that you had something to do with this. I've no way to prove this now, but you're on my list, Granger. D'you know where either of them is right now? I can't find them, and if they're together...

Want to play chess or Exploding Snap or anything? If I'm not beating a certain Boy-Who-Lived-the-once-But-May-Not-Be-up-to-a-Repeat-Performance, that is. If you're working on something, let me know, and I'll come pry you away from it with my patented Weasley Charm, so we can

***

To: Hermione

From: Ron

Subject: Not what it looked like!!

Hermione,

Darn Pig to a place where little gits of owls go! That last bit of my last Mmail-- it's not what it looked like! I wasn't suggesting we go hole up in a closet, or anything. Pig just managed to step on "send" at the wrong moment. Um.

Ron

P.S.-- although we could, if you wanted

***

To: Gin Potter

From: Lav Finnegan, whose boyfriend is trying to read her mmails over her shoulder!

CC: Gryffindor tower, current, 5- 7th year, Remus Lupin, Hagrid, and Sirius Black if he's out there.

Subject: Ferrety men, and their doom... (evil laughter)

Gin,

Much as I hate to say it, yeah... (For those of you uninformed, Gin and I, with the able assistance of Messrs. Gred and Forge Weasley, are planning on sending a basket of "goodies" to the ill Mr. Malfoy. We sincerely don't like him. If anyone wants the FULL details of what's in there (Harry and co., I strongly suspect you do) just mmail me.) This is one of the items in there.

How bout.... Instead of a silencing charm on a toffee or something, he HAS to say either,

"I wish I was sorted into Gryffindor," "Is it just me or do I look like a girl?" "Hermione Granger's so smart. I wish I was smart like her." "Lavender Brown's so cool. Why couldn't she be my friend?" "Ginny Weasley's so pretty. I wish I was a Weasley, so I could have red hair, freckles, and a great sense of humor." "I'm head over heels in love with Pansy Parkinson." "Harry Potter's just so dreamy. I wish I had his body." "Ron Weasley's such a good chess player. I wish I could ever be half as good as he is at anything." "I feel so... ugly! And fat!! And stupid!!" "Colin Crevey's a sex god!" "Seamus Finnegan's an uber-hunk!" "Dean Thomas draws so well. I wish I could be a model for him. Privately." "Proffessor Snape looks like a giant, greasy, albatross with a speech impediment" "Headmaster Dumbledore's my hero!" "I want to grow up to be just like Hagrid!" "Sirius Black's my homie!" "Remus Lupin is the best DADA teacher I've ever had in my life!" "I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout." (sung) "Percy Weasley needs to be worshiped as a paragon of all things studly." "I wanna little pony!" "I feel the need to become a transvestite..." "Neville Longbottom is the bravest man in creation, and if I was gay, which I may just be, I would want to marry him." "Why couldn't I have been a woman?" "I'm an evil rat (expletive deleted)" "Harry Potter is my bestest friend ever! We're going to live next door to each other, wear identical pajamas, and get matching broomsticks!" and the CROWNING GLORY, "Lord Voldemort, also known as Tommy-Riddle-poo, shall from this day on, be my chiefest enemy. I will devote my life to hunting him down, beating him to the depths of his cottony socks, and then beating his remains into the ground with a snow shovel. And after him, I'll get all his death eaters the same way, and for my father, the most heinous of all, I'll make him ingest acid pops until he has no mouth, throat, stomach, bowels, etc, beat him with a plunger and then flush him down the toilet. Good day."

And only those 26 phrases. Aren't I just the baddest thing ALIVE!

Lav Finnegan.

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bits!

You all should be proud!

Plus, Seamus was reading this over my shoulder, and now he's hyperventilating. Gotta go- love you all!

***

To: Lav

From: Gin

Subject: Ferretty men, and their doom

Lav,

Wicked.

***

To: Miss Lavender... Finnegan

From: A friend

Subject: Ferretty men, and their doom

Miss Finnegan (nee Brown, I assume),

Wicked.

#S.B. (who is, in point of fact, 'out there.')

***

To: Lavender Brown, Finnegan, or whatever

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Re: Ferretty men, and their doom

Lavender,

Wicked!

Ron.

***

To: Lavender Finnegan/Brown

From: A friend

Subject: Re: Re: Ferretty men, and their doom

Miss Finnegan,

Any chance of acquiring full details?

#S.B.

***

To: Lavender

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Re: Ferretty men, and their doom

Lavender,

Well, let's hear it then!

Ron.

***

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: WHERE ARE YOU??

Gin,

Dearest little sister of mine, WHERE ARE YOU?

Ron, big brother extraordinaire

***

To: Ronald Weasley

From: Virginia Weasley

Subject: Bugger off

Ron,

I'm hiding from you.

Love,

Gin

***

To: Virginia

From: Ronald

Subject: If I don't see you—

Virginia,

If I don't see you in 5 minutes in the Common Room, I'm telling Mum you were reproducing in a broom cupboard with Harry, the traitorous rabbit!

Ronald

***

To: Ronald

From: Virginia

Subject: Re: If I don't see you—

Ronald,

And you don't think Mum'd be happy about that? She adores Harry, and you know how badly she wants grandchildren. I'm putting a block on your Mmails tonight.

Bugger off,

Virginia

***

To: Ron

From: The boy who snogged. I mean lived.

Subject: Take it like a man

Ron,

Your sister is mine. Rest assured there will be no children in the near future. Marks on her skin do not concern you. In fact I would rather you didn't think about them. What makes you think you'd be able to see them anyway? There're spells to cover up things like that. Go snog Hermione.

Harry

***

To: Gin

From: Harry

Subject: Matrimony

Gin,

You don't mind if I wait for a while to propose, do you? I mean, we're a little young to be married.

Yours,

Harry

***

To: Lavender, who is too young to be married

From: Harry, who is also NOT MARRIED do you hear?

Subject: Ferrets and doom

Lavender,

Seek immediate psychological help.

Harry

P.S. If I ever hear Draco say anything about my "dreamy body" you will know what it is like to be on the receiving end of my wrath. Gross, Lavender. Gross. Also, the idea of him in pajamas is nauseating. Especially ones that match mine. And I wouldn't trade my Firebolt for a Nimbus 2001 in a million years. Mass-produced pieces of shite.

***

To: Harry

From: Gin

Subject: Re: Matrimony

Harry,

Guess that means I should take us off those Owl Post Registries, then, eh? But for making me wait, the proposal better be good. *snerk*

Always,

Gin

P.S.— I'm assuming this topic was brought on by one Lavender 'Finnegan?'

***

To: The boy who better NOT have snogged MY SISTER

From: Ron.

Subject: Pretty much the 'to' line, repeated.

H-

My sister is yours???? And as to not being able to see the marks on her skin-- I haven't seen her skin at all for a good three hours now. Another five minutes, and I'm going round to check all of the broom closets around. You're really asking for it. At least there will be no children. And if there's ever a question about that...

Ron

***

To: All interested parties (i.e., Ron and "a friend")

From: Lavender Brown, eventually Finnegan

Re: Ferrety men, their doom, and your laughter.

Here goes-

Draco's bitty bits should be made to turn purple-blue with pink polka dots and shrivel. Ferret Creams? With a triggerable delay charm. By me...in the great Hall. (smirk) Pink (or... hmm? Lavender, maybe?) hair dye charm- permanent. slime potion in food so that he drips slime for a day. chest hair growing charm or potion. Perhaps if we used enough, it'd be visible too? charm on a toffee or something, he now HAS to say either, "I wish I was sorted into Gryffindor," "Is it just me or do I look like a girl?" "Hermione Granger's so smart. I wish I was smart like her." "Lavender Brown's so cool. Why couldn't she be my friend?" "Ginny Weasley's so pretty. I wish I was a Weasley, so I could have red hair, freckles, and a great sense of humor." "I'm head over heels in love with Pansy Parkinson." "Harry Potter's just so dreamy. I wish I had his body." "Ron Weasley's such a good chess player. I wish I could ever be half as good as he is at anything." "I feel so... ugly! And fat!! And stupid!!" "Colin Crevey's a sex god!" "Seamus Finnegan's an uber hunk!" "Dean Thomas draws so well. I wish I could be a model for him. Privately." "Proffessor Snape looks like a giant, greasy, albatross with a speech impediment" "Headmaster Dumbledore's my hero!" "I want to grow up to be just like Hagrid!" "Sirius Black's my homie!" "Remus Lupin is the best DADA teacher I've ever had in my life!" "I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout." (sung) "Percy Weasley needs to be worshiped as a paragon of all things studly." "I wanna little pony!" "I feel the need to become a transvestite..." "Neville Longbottom is the bravest man in creation, and if I was gay, which I may just be, I would want to marry him." "Why couldn't I have been a woman?" "I'm an evil rat (expletive deleted)" "Harry Potter is my bestest friend ever! We're going to live next door to each other, wear identical pajamas, and get matching broomsticks!" and the CROWNING GLORY, "Lord Voldemort, also known as Tommy-Riddle-poo, shall from this day on, be my chiefest enemy. I will devote my life to hunting him down, beating him to the depths of his cottony socks, and then beating his remains into the ground with a snow shovel. And after him, I'll get all his death eaters the same way, and for my father, the most heinous of all, I'll make him ingest acid pops until he has no mouth, throat, stomach, bowels, etc, beat him with a plunger and then flush him down the toilet. Good day."

And only those 26 phrases. That's what we have so far for Mr. Malfoy Jr.'s basket, although, suggestions are welcome!

Love, cookies, and pain for Mr. Malfoy,

Lavender Brown, the Evil Taken Wench

I kneed Draco Malfoy in his bitty bits!

Aren't you proud?

***

To: Our esteemed Headmaster, Professor Dumbledore

From: Ronald Weasley

Subject: Harry Potter

Professor,

I think you should be aware that one Harry Potter is heavily suspected of being up to dubious acts with my sister, Virginia Weasley. It should also be pointed out that she is underage. Just so you're aware, sir. I wouldn't want the integrity of our school to be challenged by a miscreant.

Respectfully,

Ronald Weasley

***

To: Ronald Weasley

From: Your Esteemed Headmaster

Subject: Re: Harry Potter

Dear Ronald,

I appreciate your concern for your sister. Rest assured there are charms around the entire perimeter of the school to prevent unfortunate circumstances where being underage could be a problem. However, I am alarmed by your seeming willingness to turn in a friend. Surely loyalty to a school is not worth more than loyalty to a friend? Especially one who is a much better match for a sister than, say, someone in a rival House.

Your Esteemed Headmaster,

Albus Dumbledore

***

To: Ron

From: Harry

Subject: Timing

Ron,

Relax. You know as well as I do that Gin can take care of herself.

H

PS- Was that six minutes ago that you sent me this Mmail? Must mean we're not in a closet.

***

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Re: Timing

H,

That may just mean I haven't got there yet! And how well do you know that Gin can take care of herself? And she'd better be VIRGINia to you!

R.

***

To: Harry Potter, the boy who will be married. Eventually.

From: Lavender Finnegan. Eventually.

BCC: Gin Weasley (Potter?)

Re: Your wrath.

C'mon.

You laughed at the albatross part. Admit it. And by the way, while neither of us may be old enough to marry- you know you want to marry her. And remember, all dreamyness and matching pajamas is purely for the embarrassment of said Mr. Malfoy. Isn't it a noble pursuit that you should give your all to?

Lav, ETW

I kneed Draco Malfoy in the balls!

for touching your girlfriend!

Be grateful.

***

To: Ron, you idiot

From: virginIA

Subject: Seriously

Ron,

Seriously, go snog Hermione. It'll keep you out of trouble and out of empty closets- alone, anyway. Just reading over Harry's PalmOwl is making me sick of you.

Gin

***

To: Virginia Weasley, c/o Harry Potter

From: Ron the Irate

Subject: Harry's PalmOwl

Aha!

So you two are together! Just so you know, I've Mmailed Dumbledore about you two being somewhere doing something together! He said there are charms around the castle! Mind what you do- not only will you have me, you'll have Snape after you!

Oh. Idea.

Ron.

P.S.- Virginia Weasley, I do not want you near enough to H. Potter to be able to read his PalmOwl at the same time he does!

***

To: Professor Snape

From: A helpful student

Subject: Harry Potter

Professor,

It has come to my attention, and now to yours, that H. Potter may be involved in illicit trysts with an underaged student.

Yours,

Helpful

***

To: Ron "Irritating git!" Weasley

From: Lavender, taking her life into her hands

Re: Harry and Gin (Potter?)

Dorkus,

They're in the common room, laughing their (expletive deleted) off at you. Sitting on the same couch- on OPPOSITE SIDES! Stop being a git, and leave them alone. And if you come downstairs and bother them, I'll hex you to next Saturday. And bet that they're nasty. What I'm doing to Malfoy is nothing compared to what I could to do you if you cross me.

Lav the scary.

I kneed Draco Malfoy in the crotch.

Is it worth it to you to escape his fate?

***

To: Ron

From: Harry

Subject: Pathetic

You are the scum of the earth.

H.

I kissed your sister!

She hit me!

***

To: H. Potter

From: R. Weasley

Subject: Re: Pathetic

She hit you? Splendid.

R (puffing with big-brotherly pride)

***

To: Lavender Brown

From: Ronald Weasley

Subject: Stuff it!

Brown,

Mind your own bloody business. I don't see any famous Quidditch/Dark Lord fighting git trying to make out with your little sister, so you've nothing to say here.

R. Weasley.

***

To: Ron "unspeakable ijit" Weasley

From: Lavender, the obviously frightening

Re: Irritation

Obviously I am scary, because you're staying upstairs. Harry kissed Ginny by the way, (there was MUCH cheering in the common room. Did you hear it?) and then she swatted him on the shoulder. It was so cute. And secondly, I don't have a little sister, and I don't think my little brother would appreciate Harry's romantic attention. And Harry's not a git- watch yourself, or I'll tell your Dark Lord vanquisher/Quidditch player -adoring sister, and she'll beat you with Fred's bat, not me. So nyah.

Lav.

I kneed Draco Malfoy.

I just realized I think he liked it.

***

To: Lavender Brown, the pest

From: Ronald Weasley

Subject: Re: Irritation

Miss Brown,

I know you don't have a little sister. It was an example, not me saying that that Potter git would look good with your little brother. Also, you don't scare me- I wasn't upstairs, I was checking broom closets that my little sister and former best friend had insinuated they'd be in. Go ahead and tell Ginny what I've said- she does have 5 other older, protective brothers. (Go on and pass that along to one H. Potter, too, whilst you're at it! Got that? Six of us!)

-Mr R. Weasley

***

To: Hermione

From: Ron

Subject: Aye

Hermione,

I've a headache after this whole Harry/Ginny business. D'you know of anything that'd cure it? I still want that game of chess, by the by. I know you've been practicing against Crookshanks, too. That won't help. I can give you a few pointers, though. Meet me later?

Ron

***

To: Ron

From: Hermione

Re: Aye

I've got just the thing. I'm rather busy at the moment though. Meet me in the Charms corridor at eight. Oh, and if you even so much as touch a hair on Harry's messy little head, causing any sort of problem with his blossoming relationship with Ginny, You are DEAD. Got it Mr.? D. E. A. D.

Hermione.

P.S. How would you feel if I had six older brothers that came after you for just a simple pure-minded invitation to a little ball? I thought so.

***

To: Ron Weasley, the REAL pest

From: Lavender, who you owe

Re: You're a git

As to the Re:, Harry wrote that. I let it stand, mostly because he's right.

He wasn't laughing at the little brother line, although I may have seen Gin almost smile. I had to convince her not to kill you for being a prat. You owe me. It was hard- Harry was egging her on. Harry maintains he's not in any way shape or form scared of you, OR your five elder brothers. "They happen to like me." And I quote directly. Mr. Weasley, if you have any sense of self-preservation, you SHOULD be scared of me.

Lav Brown, hopefully Finnegan, Evil Taken Wench

I kneed Draco Malfoy in the crotch!

If you aren't careful, you're next!

***

To: Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, and Bill

From: Ron

Subject: Ginny

Hey guys,

You know that Harry was putting the moves on our little sister in the Common Room, right? There's a roomful of witnesses to attest to this. Thought you might want to know.

Ron

P.S.- I've also got half the House out for my flesh because I'm trying to protect our baby sister's virtue.

***

To: Hermione

From: Ron

Subject: Pure-minded

Hermione,

If you've heard half the same stories I have about Harry's move-putting on Ginny, you'd know that a pure-minded invitation to the ball is about the last thing on his mind. She needs her six older brothers. You, though, don't. I'm in the Charms corridor and waiting.

Ron

***

To: Ron, the imbecile

From: Hermione, the girl who dates the imbecile.

Re: Pure-minded.

You bloody great hypocrite! You're lucky I'm still going to show up!

Exasperated,

Hermione.

***

To: Hermione

From: Ron

Subject: What'd I do?

You bloody great hypocrite!

What'd I do?

Ron

P.S.-- Never thought I'd see the day when you'd swear. 'specially at me.

***

To: Ron
From: Hermione
Re: What'd I do?

You, my dear freckled friend, know exactly what you did.

Care to do it again? The Charms corridor is waiting...

Love,
Hermione

P.S. You're so frustrating sometimes.

***

To: Harry Potter, Ronniekins, Hermione (Know-It-All Extraordinaire), Lavie-poo Finnegan, Gin, Ollie Wood, Katie Wood née Bell (Oopsies!), Angelina, Alicia, Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, Colin Creevy (and his camera).
From: Gred and Forge
Subject: Today's the day, children!

Good Morning you ickle trickies, you!

As you all are aware, today is the day before the Ball, and the last day of the Slytherins' innocence (relatively speaking, of course). Now, you all know what you're doing, we meet in the common room at 01:00 hours, so bring everything you've prepared.

Mmail us if you need something clarified.

This is going to be our legacy. Onward Gryffindor!

F&G

***

To: Lavander Brown
From: Blaise Zabini

Brown,

One copy of each photo will be enough, as I only want them for my own personal enjoyment. (Nothing like stunned mullet Gryffindors to perk up one's day.)

As for your infamous theme...

I happen to know for a fact that Draco Malfoy somehow entered it on a bet. The bet was with me, but I refused to pay as he had inside help. From your esteemed Weasley twins, I believe.

Have a nice day!

Zabini

***

To: My son
From: Your Father
Subject: money, the Ball and ... other matters

Dear son,

The money is yours of course. It should have arrived this morning by owl, together with the other items you requested.

Did you work something out for that Ball? Leather really is a good choice.

Whatever you do, remember you're a Malfoy and stay away from Potter and his horrible friends. I wouldn't be surprised if they were up to
something.

Take care,

Father

***

To: Mr. Malfoy Jr.
From: Severus Snape
Subject: I seriously hope you know that by now

Mr. Malfoy,

First off: I am NOT lusting after you, you silly boy!

Second: You're NOT a sexy beast.

Third: I said that it was touching to see the way she cares for you.

Fourth: Get off your high horse.

Fifth: You'd better have a good costume by now.

Sixth: There's no way it's going to be better than mine

Seventh: The Gryffindors are planning something. I don't know what, but they are way too cheerful. They don't even flinch at my snide remarks anymore. Be afraid. In fact, maybe you should put some guards by your door. Guards with brains, so not C&G. I have a very peculiar feeling about tonight. Somehow I feel that if something is happening, it will be tonight, and that you will be the one on the receiving end. Did you get into any trouble with Gryffindors lately?

Remember: Moody may not be your favourite teacher, but he is right about at least one thing: CONSTANT VIGILENCE!

Severus

***

To: Ginny Weasley
From: BBC (Big Brother Charlie)
Subject: How's it going?

Hi Gin!

I was wondering, with the Ball coming up so soon already: how are the preparations going? If you need any help, just Mmail me. I took a day off to write letters and pay bills and so on, but I couldn't start doing anything before I had Mmailed you. Please let me know how you're doing.

Love,

Charlie

PS: Be sure to take loads of pictures tonight, and be careful with your fingers. I expect a minute by minute account of the Ball the morning after! I can't wait to hear about Slytherin's defeat against Gryffindor's Wenches and Rogues...

***

To: Charlie

From: Gin

Subject: Preparations

Charlie,

Glad to see you've found your quill. As to the ball, have I told you? Harry asked me! Sorry I didn't tell you sooner. F&G have some elaborate prank planned for the Slytherins. I'm in on it, of course. I'll not include any details, just in case anyone manages to see this Mmail. Not one of your dragons- someone in Hogwarts. I doubt Romanian dragons would care much about Mmail. Hum. Never know, I guess. Could be a great experiment, Char. I'll be sure to Mmail you later.

Love,

Gin

***

To: Lav

CC: all current Gryffindors except Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger

Subject: Ron and Hermione

From: Gin

Lav et al,

I'm sure you're at least generally aware of how Ron's been acting lately. Just thought I'd take this opportunity to say that I saw him and Hermione snogging in Flitwick's room between classes. Bloody hypocrite. All the same, though... Hee.

Love,

Gin

PS.- The room was empty, aside from them. They're not detention hounds.

***

To: Virginia Weasley

From: Hermione, TPP who is rather put-out

Subject: Looks.

Um Gin,

You wouldn't have any idea why everyone's been looking at me oddly today, would you? It's just that there have been some interesting reactions to me walking into a room that weren't quite... normal. Snickers, Grins, Licked lips(!), wolf-whistles (!!), etc. Now, I know that this is commonplace for you but I happen to find it rather distressing... What the bloody HELL is going on?!

Hermione.

P.S. Have you got the Transparency Potion for tonight? I've managed to perfect the charm.

***

To: Hermione

From: Gin

Subject: Re: Looks.

Hermoine,

Haven't the foggiest. And what do you mean, commonlplace for me? *grin*

Love,

Gin

P.S.-- all set!

***

To: Gryffindor Tower 3-7th

From: Laven Finnegan, ETW

Re: We so very very bad!

Lads and ladies,

Friendly reminder that we have 4 hours and counting til we rendezvous in the common room at one. I expect you all to be in your blacks and ready to roll- Operation to Grandmother's house we go is under way!!

Love, Laven, WTW

I kneed Draco Malfoy in the balls!

I think he needs another dose!

***

To: Ron, Lav, Gin, Harry, Fred, George, Oliver Wood, Katie, Angelina, Alicia, Seamus, Dean, and Colin Creevy's Camera.
From: Hermione
Subject: Last Night

All of you.
Very good work team, I should think. Too bad we couldn't find anything of Draco's. I mean, what an un-Slytherin thing to do! Waiting until the DAY OF the ball to buy his costume. Honestly. Very bad planning...

Anyway, I can't wait to see the look on Pansy's face when she walks into the ball and her precious, expensive and revolting robes turn Gryffindor colours and start reciting personalized sonnets to anyone who comes near. *Grin* Ooooooh. Revenge is SWEET.

Off in a blissful daydream, (Oh Draco dear, I must admit, I love you so, you ugly twit.)

Hermione

P.S. Hee.

***

To: Hermione
From: Ron
Subject: The Ball

Hermione,
It's almost 6.30 now, and near's I can tell, you're still getting ready. I guess that's just something girls do, taking ages. Luckily, it's always worth it.

Anyway, I figured Mmail might be the easiest way to let you know I'm waiting down here (the Common Room). Yeah, the Great Prat has asked that I tell you he's waiting for Gin down here, too.
I, uh, guess we'll see you girls when you get down here.

Ron

p.s.- Hermione, I'm sure you'll look beautiful.

***

To: Snapie- Pie
From: Draco Dearest
Subject: Bwah.

Snape-
You'll have to wait until tonight to see my costume, and there is no way in hell that yours will be superior. If you wear leather, I don't know what I'll do. Probably pass out. Gross.

And you know that you're lusting after my sexy body. Everyone is.

Onto slightly more important matters: Indeed. The Gryffindors did invade the dormitories last night. They left subtle hints like lipstick messages saying things like 'Go Lions, Gryffindor RULZ!' And even if it were another house, impersonating our dearest Gryffindors, they should know that no-one is that stupid, to use the word 'rulz' anywhere outside of the U.S. Of course, Gryffindors would not know this. Vulgar Americans. And Gryffindors.

Anyway, other than the sweet nothings left in our dressing rooms, there was no damage done, or so it appears. We'll see...
~Draco

***

To: Father
From: Draco
Subject: Thanks

Father-
Thank you for the money, and various other things. Please thank mother- these underwear are quite exquisite. The gift of the sweets was quite nice as well.

I haven't purchased my costume yet, but have it all planned out. I only need to pick the items up in a few minutes, as soon as I am finished with this Mmail. Would you like to hear what it is?
I've got low-rise black leather pants, and a black mesh tank top. To fit in with the fairies bit, an artist from Scribbulus is drawing these grand wings on my back as I write. Rest assured, they are quite manly. I'm not going to wear any shoes- I've always disliked them anyway. Sound good?

Thanks for the warning about Potter and his gang... it's all under control.

Your son,
~Draco

***

To: Ron
From: Hermione
Subject: Here we come.

Yes Ron, I am aware that you are waiting. Honestly, you boys are so impatient!

We're on our way.

Love,
Hermione

P.S. Thank you. And Ginny says that you should tell Harry she's coming.

***

To: Draco Malfoy
From: Severus Snape
Subject: read and weep

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

You may have had a few hints and tips from me, but don't think for one moment that I gave away my most original ideas. Since the Ball is about to start, I feel it is safe for me to tell you what I am going to wear. I will be wearing tight black leather pants with black leather robes. I will be sporting wings of 1.5 meters diameter, made of live ravens. To finish it all off, I have used a spell to make my hair ass-length.

Try and beat that, you little twit.

Severus Snape

P.S.: yes Malfoy, I said 'ass length'.

***

To: Snape
From: Draco
Subject: Eesh.

Fine, I admit it... you've got me beat....
IN THE FLAMINGLY GAY sense. *sigh* When will you learn that the students do not want to see their fifty-something TEACHER in leather and ass-length hair? Get a grip. Not even Creevey (admit it, the notion crossed your mind) wants to see that monstrosity.

And you have live ravens in your wings? How... quaint.
~D

***

To: Gin!!!
From: Laven
Re: OH.MY.GOD.

Gin!!! Avert your eyes my child, and warn every Gryffindor you see!! I'll admit it's disturbing to see Dumbledore in tights, but that's NOTHING compared to what I just saw. Even myself in a corset and low cut peasant blouse and sashay-y skirts is nowhere NEAR as whorish as what I just saw from the Slytherin dungeons.

Draco is wearing leather pants, hardly any shirt and wings, and unfortunately, does look rather dashing in a fairy-boy sort of way, but NOTHING I have ever seen, including Goyle's toes, has ever been as whorish in a extremely evil, ugly, foul, and gross way like Snape with no shirt on and ass-length hair. (He had leather robes with him as well.) I'm running away to vomit, along with Seamus, who saw it too- get yourself and Harry and any other Gryffindors you can out- QUICKLY!! Time is of the essence!!!

Laven, the vomiting

"I saw Severus Snape half nude!
I'm scarred for life!"

***

To: Ginny, Lavender
From: Hermione
Subject: Success!

Oh my sweet Merlin.

Could you BELIEVE the looks on their faces? Not only at our entrance, but at the Slytherins' transformations?!

I mean, I didn't think I looked that good. Really, how classy can you look dressed as a wench? Right. Not at all. Even if you're a Hermione!Wench in a short black miniskirt with thigh-high leather boots and a black lace corset... and I wasn't even the worst one! *Ahem* Ginny. You really let your inner Wench shine tonight!

Regardless of our lack of class, I noticed that us Gryffindor girls were getting quite a lot of attention from the other houses. (Can you believe the Hufflepuff theme? Really, "Muggle Stars" had so much potential! I've never seen so many Marilyn Monroes in my life.)

The moment Ron left to get me a drink, I had at least 10 other boys on me like "flies on honey" as my gran would say, and I wasn't the only one!

Ginny, dearest, I'm looking at you.

And oh my goddess. Snape?! In leather?! I am incredibly nauseous just remembering...

Hermione.

P.S. Did anyone else feel a teensy sense of relief when they realized that Draco's costume wasn't going to change? Even I noticed how much his sexy factor had gone up... and I wasn't the only one! Ginny! I'm looking at you again! Even though I know you only had eyes for Harry. Hah. That's one male I won't regret seeing in leather pants. (Along with Ron and Draco of course. Down girl! I'm not after your man!)

***

To: Gin, Mione, Dead Sexy Wench ladies extraordinare!
From: Laven (definitely now- think the corset did it) Finnegan
Re: This goes NO further!

Goddess yes! I hate to say it, and this will never, ever be said again, Draco looked like a drop dead sexy monkey last night. And by the way, Seamus proposed last night, said he was going to marry me, I said okay, so now I can bite my thumb at Harry and go "Nyah!" I honestly think the French whore motif to my wenchy-ness got him to do it.

In any case, despite yucky Snape sightings, and basically all teacher sightings (disregarding Professor Lupin, and his friend! For people over 30, they were extremely attractive in leather. And that doesn't get told to my future hubby either) the night was peachy with a side of keen! And seriously, could the Hufflepuffs been less imaginative? Every girl practically was Marilyn Munroe, traditional Muggle American tart, or Britney what's-her-face, new American Muggle tart, and every boy was James Dean, old Muggle sex symbol, or one of those relentless teeny boppers... N'Stink, or something. In any case, yes, that was depressing. Ravenclaw was also of the much boring, with their whole Famous Wizards in British History. I swear, there were at least twenty Dumbledores, and more fake Harrys than I'd ever like to count. (Must have been confusing for you, Gin.)

I must admit, I was vastly pleased with our success with the Slytherins. Pansy Parkinson's cow costume was both amusing and fitting. And I did nearly die of asphyxiation when one of the udders shot Draco in the eye. Did you guys see it? I think Colin may have caught a picture... I'll have to use some more "creative persuasion" to get a hold of some pix I saw being snapped last night. Although it was cute in an old people kind of way when the fuchsia-tighted Dumbledore asked the scarily accurate Wench!McGonagall to dance. And there is no doubt that the second Ron went off, there were girls all over him, like the guys were all over you, 'Mione- the boy does look good in leather. And Gin, you should make Harry wear leather pants more often. I think even Malfoy was drooling.

I also have serious thoughts towards Snape being gay. He was paying WAY too much attention to Mr. Malfoy, and your fellas in their spandy-nice pants- and did I sent him a glare when I caught him in what I think was him checking out my fine fiancé's ass in HIS leather pants. I think Seamus looked rather dashing. But I'd think he'd look hot in a brown sack, so perhaps I'm a bit biased. (By the way, yes, Seamus is my FIANCé. He said he's going to buy the ring when he goes home for break, and wants me to come back with him to meet his mum. Isn't he just a sweet little puppy?)

I am however disappointed that Blaise's costume didn't get messed with. I hold a great amount of professional respect for her, but she's still a Slytherin. But as an interesting tidbit of gossip, I did think I caught her looking rather jealous when Harry was goggling at your "gypsy wench" theme, Gin. But then again, find me a guy who's not related to you who wasn't. (I don't mind that Seamus ogled slightly. I did stare at a few other guys a bit.) The same goes to you Mione- I think some major hearts were broken out there by you guys last night! In any case, Seamus is getting suspicious as to why I'm writing you all such a long letter when you're all about a holler away, and since I don't feel like explaining that said letter involves me saying Draco Malfoy's a "sexy monkey" and implies you both said so as well (which I KNOW would not sit well with your boyfriends, (which also leads to the question of which hates Malfoy more- Ron or Harry? Oooh... toughie. I may have to just stoop to asking.)) so I best go- talk to you guys later!!

Love, Laven (gonna get the ring!) Finnegan!

I nearly vomited at Severus Snape's ass length greasy hair!
Didn't you?

***

To: Minerva
From: Severus
Subject: Evaluation of the party

Dear Minerva,

First off, congratulations on carrying out the theme of your House so well. I think it's no secret that we both would rather have had other costume-subjects for our houses (preferably NOT made up by the Headmaster), but you did a fantastic job. I've never seen a wench so... dignified.

On the whole, I think the party was rather amusing. I especially like that dance we did together. I hope I'm not out of line when I say that I hope there will be many more dances like that...?

Love,

Severus

***

To: Ginny
From: Charlie
Subject: your report

Dear Gin,

Tell me all, tell me now. I can't wait to hear every detail!

Love,

Charlie

***

To: Hermoine, Lavender, Charlie
From: Gin
Subject: Re: Success/Char's report

Hermione,
Ah, yes, my inner wench, as you put it, had an absolutely lovely time at the ball. Can we say fun with leather? Harry in leather. Yum. He and I danced every dance together- except when Gred 'n Forge were doing that ridiculous mackaroonie Muggle thing to that strange music-- then we scampered away for our dear lives.

Char, you may not want to read this next bit; girls, you definately will.

Wenchin' it up! As to the 'flies on honey' bit, as our dear Perfect Prefect put it-- yowza. Dear me. I was half-ready to conjure up a double to act as a decoy so Harry and I could make our... escape. Harry, lucky duckling, had at least 20 doubles floating around (thanks, Ravenclaw!)-- although, none of them was in leather trousers. Hmm... Ravenclaw's theme next year: Famous Wizards in Leather. Hopefully there'd be a few less Dumbledores, then. Anyway, what is it with guys and stomachs? They see one and just about jump whatever's attached. Ok... maybe it wasn't how high the bottom hem was as how low my top hem was, but that's irrelevant. Girls, you were right about corseting it up! Lovely fun. Although, today some Hufflepuff girls were following me, and catcalling: "Wench! Stealing our dates!" As though it's that difficult to get some Dean James fellows (who's he, again?) to follow. I could've done it blindfolded. For a while there, I had to- when Malfoy walked by, Harry covered my eyes! (And Lav, "sexy monkey" doesn't do it justice. Let's just say that if I hadn't had a Harry-in-leather all around me, I would've melted into a little Ginny-goo and later asked for a reSorting! [Char, if you read that and open your mouth about it once, Mum'll find out about those lovely, mysterious teeth marks in her counter- and that's just for starters!])

And there was Snape. Oh. Dear. Goodness. (Char, you wanted to know everything, so we'll just say this: Snape. In. Leather. I think he tied birds to himself, too. Poor things.) Oh no! I have Potions first thing Monday! How will I keep a straight face? Right after breakfast, too... Maybe I won't eat breakfast that day. Ew.

Lav!! Congratulations, if you two are really that serious! I want your first girl named after me. What goes around comes around, remember. Also, I'd like you not to forget who it was that nicely blocked a certain path so a certain someone would have to walk that much closer to a certain you last month. Yay Lav Finnegan!

And was I the only one mortally afraid when McG came round in her wench wear? Did you see her dancing with Snape?? Agh. I think I'm going to go huddle up in bed now. Maybe Harry's.

Winks,
Gin

***

To: Ginny Weasley, Wench extraordinaire and *my* sister
From: Charlie Weasley
Subject: Snape in leather? Ew....

Hi Gin,

I'm glad to hear that you had a wonderful time. And no, I won't tell mum about anything. I heard that Ron has been giving you a hard time, but he'll learn in time, like I have, that girls will be women and sometimes even wenches... Besides, I'm sure mum would be thrilled to hear that you had a good time. Don't forget to Mmail her with some party-info, preferably before Ron does. (You'd better take my advice on this. Ron can... exaggerate a 'little' sometimes.)

Like I said, I'm glad you had fun and that you and Harry do so well together, but er.... Snape in leather? With birds tied to him? I can imagine that you could have done without seeing that. And him dancing with McGonagall? That's certainly something new...

Love,

Charlie

***

To: A rather anxious Potions Master
From: Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Re: Dancing

Maybe. My, my, we are frisky, hmm? The birds were rather nice last night if I forgot to mention.


Minnie

***

To: Gin, Mione, BGWS
From: Laven Finnegan
Re: Happy day, children, happy days!

As to your congratulations, I think Virginia Hermione Finnegan sounds beautiful, and shall be observed if I have to break my husband's arm. In any case, I really do think he's serious, and to be perfectly honest, I love him. He makes me melt into ooey-gooey girl-shaped puddles, even without leather pants. (As to the Mr. Malfoy comment- Gin, tell me about it!)

In any case, I think you should write your mum home before Ron does- He'll probably say that you went stark nude... Which would be an exaggeration, albeit, by not too much. Also- snuggling in Harry's bed!! That leads to unclean thoughts m'dear- will he be in it? And about Snape and McGonagall- YUCK. It deserves to have one of those little green Muggle stickers they call Mr. Yuck, with the barfy face on it!!!! In any case, I have to go find my erstwhile fiancé, and make sure he's not off killing some of the fellows who decided they swung the Gryffindor French Wench way last night- ta ta!!

Love, Laven Finnegan

"I saw Snape and McGonagall nearly necking on the dance floor!
I wanna PUKE!"

***

To: Minnie
From: Severus
Subject: Re: Re: dancing

Dear Minnie,

Thank you for the compliment on my wings. You'll be happy to know that I released the birds again (after making sure they were all alright of course).

Maybe we could go out to Hogsmeade sometime soon? Or maybe catch one of those Muggle movies. I have heard there's one about a boy who finds out he's a wizard that's about to come out. Could be nice to see how Muggles imagine wizarding-folk to be. If anything, it'll make a good laugh.

So what do you say?

Love,

Severus

***

To: Draco Malfoy
From: Severus Snape
Subject: My age

Dear Draco,

I'm not "50-something" as you call it. I know some people have trouble guessing ages, but you're more than 10 years off. I'm only 39 for Heaven's sake!

Severus Snape

***

To: Sevy
From: Minnie
Re: movies

I actually think a Muggle movie would be absolutely hilarious to see, hmmm... next weekend perhaps?

Love,

Minnie

PS- I'm glad to hear all the birds were all right.

***

To: All Current Gryffindors, Remus Lupin, Snuffles, Oliver Wood, Mrs. Weasley, et al.
From: Hermione Granger, The Perfect Prefect.
Subject: Gryffindor Forever!

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to bring you up to date on our house's status after the ball (it being my Prefectly duty and all). The general consensus is that we were the best-dressed, most attractive, and altogether most spirited house at the ball. I'm pleased to announce the results of the votes you all made last night.

First up: The Best Costumes.

In the male category:
Third place - was a 3-way tie between Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin's Mysterious Friend (Ahem. Snuffles.) and Oliver Wood!
Second place - Ronald Weasley. (I voted for you, darling!)
And FIRST PLACE - Another tie! With Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy each earning 25 points towards their respective houses.

In the female category:
Third place went to a very deserving - Lavender Fin- er- Brown (soon to be Finnegan!)
Second place - Hermione Granger (I still cannot believe this.)
First Place - ensuring a sweep of all 50 points for Gryffindor, Ginny Weasley in her very authentic Wench costume. (Love you Gin, dear.)

Also, A special aside was added for Worst Dressed. Guess who won that? I'll give you a hint. Leather, and bum-length hair. This was not announced, of course, just privately voted on by many who handed in their ballots.

Overall, a resounding victory for our house. Go Gryffs!

Hermione.

P.S. Molly, see? Ginny's costume was all done in the name of Gryffindor Pride! We're very proud of her.
***

To: Wonderwench
From: Gryffindor's Rogue Seeker
Subject: Congratulations

First place and not a competitor in sight- not that I expected anything less. You were wonderful. Up for a private celebration? Costumes optional...

Harry
***

To: Current Prefects and Head Students, Heads of Houses
From: Headmaster Dumbledore
Subject: Lost and found

If anyone has any information regarding the owner of a pair of rather exceptional leather pants with "DM" embroidered on the bum, please do let me know. It would seem they were left on the floor of the Great Hall after last night's festivities.

On a similar note, I think we can all agree that the Halloween Costume Ball was an unprecedented success. Now, does anyone have any ideas for a Christmas celebration?

Albus
***

To: Mione Granger (Weasley?) and the lovely (and now school approved!) Gin Weasley (Definitely Potter- you should have seen the claiming/protective/MINE! look Harry had on!!!!)
From: Laven Finnegan, nee Brown
Re: Christmas

Thing is, I heard Dumbledore was shopping around for an idea for Christmas... And I think we need not a costume party, not a ball, but a FAIRY TALE ball. Each person has to go with a date and they have to be a pair from fairy tale- for instance... Um... if Professor Lupin brought a date, they could be Little Red Riding Hood and the big bad wolf (tee-hee!).

Harry and Gin would be an excellent Cinderella and Prince Charming, and Mione and Ron could be... hmmm.... Snow White and Prince Charming the other? Myself and Seamus
would be Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming the other other. (Naturally speaking, if Draco goes with Pansy again, they'd be Beauty and the Beast. Can you guess who's who?) Get it? I think it would be magnificent!!!

Love,

Laven Finnegan

"Snape's an ugly git!
Ya'll should know!"

***

To: Harry Potter- Mr. Possesive puffed up manly man!
From: Laven *Finnegan*
Re: Ms. Weasley

Well Mr. Potter, how does it feel

a) to be the half most wanted man in Hogwarts,

b) to share that with Draco Malfoy,

c) to be the snugglebunny of the most wanted girl in Hogwarts?

And by the way, as soon as we turn 18, I am Lavender Marie Finnegan. So nyah. If he hasn't told you, he proposed last night. And he's buying me the ring on break when (assuming mama says yes to my owl) I go to meet his family. So there goes your theory that I'm not going to get married to Seamus. And by the way, especially considering that she's now officially the most wanted girl in Hogwarts, I think you might wanna make with the asking of a certain Ms. Weasley a certain question? Not to mention the other most wanted man in Hogwarts also has his eyes (his nasty, beady little ferret-y eyes) on YOUR girl. And he's an underhanded, sly, and a right conniving bastard. It's not like she wouldn't say yes in a heartbeat- probably even a half heartbeat. And perhaps warn your nice little friend Mr. Weasley to get a move on with the second most desired girl, a.k.a. your best friend, perhaps? In any case, just wanted to properly say:

"Nannie-Nannie BOO BOO!!"

Love, Laven Finnegan

"Severus Snape's got a crush on Minerva McGonagall!
Isn't it fantastically gross!!!"

***

To: Minnie
From: Sevvy
Subject: re: Movies

Dear Minnie,

Next weekend sounds delightful! And how about dinner in my dungeons beforehand? I'll cook us something really nice. I can't wait.

Love,

Severus,

PS: if you're allergic to anything or don't like certain types of food, please let me know.

PPS: I ordered the tickets for that Muggle movie. I can't wait! (oh, did I say that already? Doesn't matter, it's still true.)

***

To: Lav Brown
CC: Gin
From: Mr. Possessive Puffed-Up Manly Man
Subject: the controversial topic of marriage

Lavender,

You may be engaged, however (un)officially, but you are still Not Married.

Just a little reminder: I've been the "most wanted" man in Hogwarts since I was eleven- the only problem is, everyone seems to want me out of Hogwarts. Snape, Death Eaters, Voldemort... It's no big change. Anyway, pretty much everyone else wants Malfoy out of Hogwarts. I can deal with that.

But.

If you ever call me a snugglebunny again, I promise I will vomit all over your wedding robes.

As for my girl- she's just that. My. Girl. Plenty of time for getting married later on. As for right now that's a monumental decision I'm not prepared to make. At least not until I've
vanquished all evil and had a Memory Charm done on me so I forget the horrible things I saw at the Ball. Yikes.

That's about it.

Harry

PS- so, anyone want to take bets on how long our dear Head of House will lead Snape on for?

***

To: Lav
From: Hermione G-W, TPP
Re: Harry's panic, and now, mine too.

Uh, Lav, dear.

You do know that I'm in no way ready or willing to marry Ron yet, right? I mean, it's what... 5th year?! I'm 16 in exactly 3 months. I am also terribly frightened. The whole Granger-Weasley thing is just girlish indulgence. Okay?

Please. PLEASE don't plant that idea in Ron's little adorable brain. I'm much too rational to say yes... Even if I am in love with the great prat.

Oh, and to conclude, you and Seamus must be out of your minds. Happy, and in love, and very, very quick decision-makers, but still out of your minds. (And I'd love to be your bride's maid, thank you.)

Smirking,
Hermione.

***

To: Lav
From: Gin
Subject: Re: Ms Weasley

Lav,
You called Harry a snugglebunny?
I love it.

Love,
Gin

P.S.-- You do know I'm fully expecting to be a certain someone's Maid of Honour, yes?

***

To: Gryffindor's Rogue Seeker
From: Wonderwench
Subject: Re: Congratulations

Harry,
Private celebration? Ready and waiting. Come on and find me, Hogwarts' Most Wanted.
Gin

***

To: Snape
From: Draco
Re: Your age.

Snapie- Poo~
39? I'd have never guessed! Please, make use of this gift of wrinkle-preventing and vanishing cream. I would recommend a spell, but those Muggles sure know what they're talking about with skin care. Plus- it's specifically made for oily skin- I'm looking in your direction.

Potter may be the Boy Who Lived, but I'm the Boy Who Is Damn Sexy! And I told you that no one wanted to see your costume. Allow me this one comment:
Neener neener poo poo.
Pointing and laughing right at you~
~Draco

***

To: All Current Slytherins
From: Your Prefect, Draco Malfoy
Re: Important

My dearest Slytherins....

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PANTS?
~Draco

***

To: *all* Gryffindors
From: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Thanks, Char!

Hello Gryffs past and present! I think we should all be aware of something: the second of Hogwarts' most desirable males, Draco Malfoy, has lost his trousers. His leather trousers.

Now, it's not often I'll simply 'toot my own horn,' so I'll have to inform everyone of the heroics of another party to this... happening. Charles Weasley, we love you. For those of you not in the know, my darling brother suggested a book when we Gryffs were looking for wench/rogue-wear. Now, we all made use of this, but as principle holder of the aforementioned book, I had much alone time with the thing. So I read it- hey, it's a book, right? There were some mighty useful spells in there.

I'll leave that thought there for now. For the less faint of heart, Mmail me back if you want details.

Evilly yours,
Gin
(#1 costume! Also, says Harry, second to none without)

***

To: Gin, the girl who's apparently too young to get married
From: Lav *Finnegan* and suck on that, Harry Potter!
Re: You wicked, wonderful, way cool Gryffindor Pants stealing Mama!

Gin, you awful, awful girl! TELL ME THIS INSTANT!!! (and tell your boyfriend he's a commitment-phobe. I refuse to talk to him anymore on this subject as he's being a poo-poo head about the whole thing. It's the principle of the thing.) I need to know all the evil little details. I just laughed evilly, and I think my fiancé's worried I've gone over to the dark side... I'd best convince him I'm not really evil, and just bad....

Love, Laven

PS- Maid of honor, you got it honey.

***

To: Hermione Granger (for the time being)
From: Laven Finnegan
Re: Insanity, eh?

Well, despite the fact that everyone should be beating Harry for being a commitment phobe, and Seamus is nearly convinced I should have been sorted in to Slytherin, and have dragged Gin down into my sordid evilness, (he still loves me though. And I love him.) I don't think anything's particularly crazy round here. Taking into account that we live in a world where Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall date (by the way, despite your perfect Prefectness, was wondering if you want in on the pool I have running on their relationship?) of course.

And don't worry, I won't badger Ron about proposing. The daft git'd probably go about it all wrong. Not cause he doesn't love you, or anything, but he's just Ron. In any case, pray that your actual proposal one day will be nice, come to me if either of the boys in your life are being gits, I'll deal with them my way, and have a good day love!

Love, and in a cheery mood (Seamus brought me flowers!)
Laven

PS- Gin already snaffled Maid of Honor, but you have uber dibs on bridesmaid. (Pavarti'll probably be the other one.)

***

To: The boy who's afraid of commitment!
From: The really going to get married soon (heard it's 16 for the legal marriage age in Scotland!) Laven, who's no longer any type of wench! (Kinda miss it, though)
Re: Marriage, and you being a commitment phobe!

Dear Mr. Potter,

It has come to my attention that you are suffering from a fear of commitment. Also, in my previous Mmail, I was merely asserting the fact that it would be in both yours and Ms. Weasley's best interests that you make your intentions to her known, not that you go out and buy her a bloody ring! (Although, it's really quite working for Seamus and I.)

Also, the legal age for marriage in Scotland is 16. That is considerably sooner that you had assumed, hmm, Mr. Potter? And you know what they say about people who ass-u-me. In any case, I have made that perfectly clear and will speak no more on that subject.

But on the other other hand!!

Harry, you daft git, you know what I meant. Hogwarts' most desirable not really bachelor, not Hogwarts' most "gee-I'd really-like-to-knock-off-that-shit-brained-little-nancy-twat!" list! (If so, polling the school, Malfoy would be in first, with a whopping about 600 votes- not including faculty- and you'd be in second with an odd 200 or so. (Also not including faculty- *cough*Snape!*cough*!!) ie- Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff vs. Slytherin. It's not like you don't remember the crowd split during the Third Year Quidditch Cup, hmm?)

Now, taken outside of Hogwarts, well, it'll split between Death Eaters, and their buds, and not. So I'm saying (hoping too!) we'd win out. Plus I'm sure even some Death Eaters'd rather knock off Malfoy, Jr. (Not a lot of people don't want to kill Malfoy, his mother excluded. But then again...) than you, Mr. Potter.

In any case, vanquishing all evil? Watch out for that damn Muggle Mr. Rogers, hmm? He's a right bastard. And I'd be more than happy to supply you with a very selective Memory Charm, leaving you with your desired memories from the night, and ridding you of such heinous eyesores as Mr. Snape, hmm? By the way, I'm opening a pool on
Minnie and Sevvy's relationship. You in? (Hint- Special advance opening for you!)

And Harry, I promise you if you vomit on my robes, of any kind, wedding especially, I will hex you into a bed next to Mr. Malfoy in the infirmary. (For I'll have kneed him again by then, I'm sure. If not, maybe yourself (I did hear about that, quite proud, Harry, dear.) or your feisty girlfriend will have done it. Or any number of people.) And you may have to get used to snugglebunny- Gin seems to like it- plus, it's true! I did hear on multiple occasions that you two were all snuggly-wuggly, hmm?! So nyah. In any case- good luck on that match against Slytherin! Kick Malfoy and Slytherin ass! I will most definetely be there in Gryffie colors, cheering on my team, next to your biggest fan! (and we know who that is)

Love, Laven

PS- You are in our wedding. Gin's the maid of honor, and Mione and Parvati are bridesmaids. So I'm guessing (as I'm not Seamus, I'm only in love with him) that it'll be you, Dean and Ron up with him. So be doubly careful with your threats of projectile vomiting, mister.

***

To: Gryffindor Tower, current, Bill and Charlie Weasley, Remus Lupin, and a certain person who I'm aware is now out there (wink!), Hufflepuff Dormitories, current, Ravenclaw dormitories, current, and Slytherin dungeons, current
From: Laven Finnegan (Yes, Finnegan, Harry!)
Re: Awww!! It's gross, and worng, but yes, it's teacherly love!

As it's come to my attention that a certain Gryffindor House Head (ie, Ms. Minerva McGonagall!) has been consorting, and perhaps, dare I to say it, fraternizing with our enemy # 1- a certain Slytherin House Head. (ie, a Mr. Severus Snape! Who all Gryffs present at the Halloween bash has the paralyzingly unfortunate luck to see with ass length hair) Now... undoubtedly, one wonders as to the nature of their relationship. So I'm opening a pool on it. Bets can range from either she's leading him on, they're in true love! (eyelash flutters galore), or they'll never make it past the Quidditch match this Saturday. (By the way, go Lions!)

In any case, reach me with a bet, and I'll take care of it for you. By no means is this to reach faculty ears, or all knowledge and evidence will be destroyed and there will be no admitting from this end that any such thing was being done. Let the betting begin!

Yours sincerely,
Lavendr Brown, at 16- Lavender Finnegan.

I'm engaged!
He's buying the ring and everything!

***

To: Sevvy
From: Minnie, his kitten
Re: This weekend

Severus darling, I'd love to have dinner with you and a movie. I'll see you on Friday evening at 7, is that all right? I can't wait either, and rest assured I'm counting the minutes before our date!

Love, Minnie

PS- No, anything you cook will be absolutely delicious I'm sure.

***

To: Lav
From: Gin
Subject: Re: Aww/eww, whatever- teachers in lurve

Lav-
6 sickles and a chocolate frog on McG's leading Snape on. Honestly- he's refereeing the next Quidditch match, and I think I heard that their... date is around there. And it's Gryffs playing, so... Maybe McG's got a bit of a Slyth in her too, Lav. (Here's looking at you, girl!)

That, and she'd have to be absolutely batty for it to work out. I mean, c'mon- ew.

Anyway, gotta run- Harry's taking me out for a picnic! He won't tell me where, though, but I like surprises. That, and I'll be missing Herbology for this.

Always,
Gin

***

To: Gin "going-on-a-picnic!"
From: Laven, "stuck-in-class-so-using-my-Palm-owl!"
Re: Your bet

Ginny Weasley, you bad, bad child, skiving off class to have a picnic with your snugglebunny. I can't believe I didn't think of it first. *sigh* In any case, I'm stuck in Binns' class with no hope of any kind of escape short of Dean's attempt to hang himself, which may or may not be successful... the noose is looking pretty good. I did notice Harry wasn't here, and Ron and Mione have just been making googly eyes at each other all class. I honestly don't think they'd notice if Voldemort came up and danced on their desks wearing a tea cozy. I gotta go, Binns is starting to notice the clacking of the keys on my Palm owl!

Love- Laven

PS- See me after dinner to get your bet put in!
***

To: Lav Finnegan, if she insists
From: Harry
Subject: Commitment (and everything that goes with it)

Dear Miss Brown, or Mrs. Finnegan if you prefer,

When everyone you love is wiped out by an evil wizard, you can talk to me about being a commitment phobe. Rest assured that Ginny has no doubts as to my intentions.

I will not be sixteen until July. Ginny is younger than I am. Any number of things could happen before then, including my death, Voldemort's takeover and a brief reign of flying pigs with crowns. Just because you and Seamus have decided to get married doesn't mean everyone should. You wouldn't want a slew of weddings to detract from the uniqueness of having a wedding so young, would you?

And you know what they say about people who ass-u-me.

What about your assumption that I haven't already proposed? Needless to say, Ginny does not tell you everything. Wouldn't certain things, given the extenuating circumstances, have to be secret?

Not to say that I've proposed. Just pointing out your ass-u-mption.

As for Minnie and Snape... Well. You know as well as I do that Snape, being love-starved, may possibly be distracted by our dear Head of House during the game. I have five galleons that say she's done with him by the end of December. You really ought to put a time constraint on these things, you know, or everyone might end up getting their money back.

I think that covers anything. I am purposely neglecting topics of wedding vomit and the Malfoy family jewels.

Gin's Snugglebunny

P.S. I heard they're thinking of holding a Winter formal. Are they nutters? I hope there's no costumes. Can anyone picture Snape as a snowflake?
***

To: Severus
From: Lucius Malfoy
Subject: gross...

Dear Severus,

Just a short M-mail to inform you that I saw you and Minerva McGonagall coming out of a Muggle cinema last Friday. What the hell were you thinking? She's the Head of Gryffindor House, by Merlin's beard!

And really, snogging in public is so passé.

Lucius Malfoy

***

To: Minnie
From: Severus
Subject: Last Friday

Dear Minnie,

I just wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time yesterday, and that I hope we can do this again soon. I just got a message in my inbox from Lucius Malfoy. Apparently he saw us and doesn't agree with our relationship. Well, too bad for him, I say. And according to him 'snogging in public' (his own words) is passé. Right. I think he's just jealous, because he's stuck with Narcissa.

Love,

Severus

***

The End (until the next RR)