An alternated version of the Season 5 Finale from Elena's POV - for everyone who's still not devastated enough after the Season 6 Premier today.
I seriously didn't expect that you can put so much heartwrenching grief into 40 minutes in the form of extraordinary brilliant scenes and acting. TVD makes it possible. And TVD manages what nobody else manages - making me cry again and again for 40 minutes.

Devastating. Beautiful. Heartbreaking. Tragic.

I'll come back to you (Elena)

You may say you're walking
All by yourself
Have no one else
Your life is deadly like a loaded gun
and you're shaking love

Keep your bright eyes looking
Up to the sky now
Chin up, be proud
Walk strong like a soldier
Onto the battleground
Breathe in, breathe out

Don't shiver
Don't quiver
Don't give up
You're enough
You will be just fine
Tonight

You've been at the bottom
Only surviving
You decide who you are now
I'm with you through everything

Baby when it's cold outside
I will keep you warm
Save you from the storm
I will light a fire in the embers bright
Will guide you through the night
When it's cold outside

- Rachel Taylor; Light a Fire

I was staring down onto the candles that were lined up on the ground of the tomb. There were at least a dozen of them, the wax that had run down the sides was beginning to dry. A sign that the light of the candles had been blown out a while ago. And with that light the power that had been drawn from them. A power that had been capable to bring the dead back from the Other Side. Just this one time, just one try ...

"But what if something goes wrong?!"

My words still echoed in my mind, words that were not older than a couple of hours. I had known it by then, in that moment when I had been facing him, desperately pleading not to risk his life, not to go on that suicide mission from which he might not come back. I had known it would go wrong.
And yet, I had clung to that promise of him, the promise that he would return to me ...

I clenched my hands to fists until my knuckles shone white.

You promised me, damn Damon, you promised me!

I hadn't let him go on that mission alone. He had always been the hero, risking his life for the sake of others, all alone. I hadn't wanted him to be alone this time. I had wanted to be there with him, suffer with him, risk my life with him. Because I had known - rather we would both come back or we would both die. Either way I had been fine by it. Because I had never wanted to be in that life and death situation ever again in which I had to consider that I might never see him again. That a meaningless goodbye, a rushed kiss, even a fight might be the last exchange between him and me.

"I thought I was never going to see you again ... And I couldn't think of a worse way to die ..."

I had died. I had died with him. After I had seen him again, after I had kissed him again, after I had held him again, appreciating every single second of it to the fullest. I had died with him at my side, holding my hand as the car had hit the wall of the Grill, as it had broken through the massive stone, going up in flames in an instant. I had felt no pain, just his hand on mine. I had felt him beside me. The picture of his reassuring smile - a smile I had received so many times - was burned into the back of my eyes, it had been the last thing I had seen before I had closed them, before our car had hit the wall.

And then ... then I had come back ... and he hadn't.

That moment haunted me. That moment when I had returned to the graveyard just to find that he hadn't been there. I had turned around immediately, run through the forest, scanned every inch, every tree. I had returned to the graveyard without a sign - but with a feeling of foreboding.

"You go, I wait here."

"No, I am not leaving without him!"

"This place is falling apart!"

" No!"

Stefan had known that a few words, as urgently as they might have been, wouldn't be enough to change my mind. And if I wouldn't have been so distracted by my thoughts to find Damon, I might have seen the look he had shot at Bonnie. But I hadn't.

Maybe I hadn't deserved anything else, having taken away the choices of my friends so many times, when Bonnie had reached out to grab the sleeves of my jacket. As soon as her hands had been touching me I had felt that I had been drawn back, back into the earthly world, back to the living. I had fought against her, fought against the force that had drawn me back but it had been senseless. It hadn't been my choice.

I had felt all signs of 'living' returned to my body - blood flow, temperature, movement. Yet, I had still felt as if I would be beyond dead. Bloodless, cold, numb.
I had stumbled, turned furiously around to face Bonnie, tears glittering in my eyes.

"Bonnie, why did you do that? I can't leave without him!"

She hadn't replied and she hadn't needed to. Her pitiful eyes had shown me everything I had needed to know - that she didn't regret it, that she knew that she had done the right thing. And she hadn't just done the right thing, she had done what he had wanted her to do. Save my life. Just that both had forgotten one thing:

How can you save someone's life when your only reason to go on living might not come back?
How can you save someone when she can't live without him?
How is that saving someone's life?

It's not.
It's forcing me to go on with a life I know can never be the same, never can be whole again, never will be worth living again.

As soon as Bonnie had started to cough blood and Stefan had caught her before she would stumble to the ground, inevitably causing his return, I had known it. I had known I was never going to see him again, that it had been over. Yet, I hadn't wanted to believe it, not even for a second.

Tears had constantly been running down my face by that time while I had been trying to catch my breath and looking into the pitiful eyes of my friends, seeing them looking at me with sympathy had been beyond bearable.

I didn't want their damn pity, didn't want their sympathy. I wanted my Damon back.

Bonnie's words had only reached me through a thick fog and as in trance I had turned around to see her walking away to the meadow of the graveyard.
When she had returned a while later, all alone, I had to do everything I could not to let my knees give in.

"I touched him ... several times ... but the connection ..."

I hadn't even waited for her to finish her explanations. I had turned around and rushed over to the entrance of the tomb - to find the room behind it just the way I saw it now - entirely wrapped in darkness.

Lifting my eyes from the candles, unable to think straight, I turned around and around, trying to get a grip on my spiraling thoughts, my gaze always wandering back to the candles. Candles, that resembled a defeat I didn't want to accept. Candles, that resembled a lost hope that there still was a chance to get him back, a hope, even as unlikely as possible, that he wasn't lost in a world that would break apart every minute and disappear into nothingness.

When Bonnie entered the tomb behind me my head jerked up from my fixated gaze on the candles.

"Bonnie, we have to find them, we need to start the spell again!"

"We can't, Elena. That was our only shot."

I stared into her eyes, furiously. I knew how ridiculous this plead was. I knew that it was impossible. I didn't want to believe it. Not yet. I breathed heavily, my shaking hands clenched at my sides.

I knew there was a chance, I knew there must still be a chance, a way. Because it couldn't be over, because he couldn't be gone, because that would mean ...

"It's too late."

Bonnie's voice became nothing but a whisper. She remained immobile, kept focusing on me, afraid of my reaction. She knew that I needed to hear these words, she knew someone had to say them out loud. That otherwise I would never believe it to be true.

It's too late ... to bring him back.

As soon as these words sank into my mind, all the numbness started to dissolve. A numbness that had protected me from the brutal truth - and the brutal rain of emotions that was about to pour down on me. And I didn't know how to cope with them.

"Leave me alone", I pressed out between clenched teeth, my hands clenched to fists.

"Elena ...", Bonnie started and her voice full of pity and sympathy send me over the edge.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed, staring into her eyes with a hatefulness that even surprised me. It wasn't her I hated and it wasn't Stefan I hated for not keeping up to his promise nor the rest of the world. That hatred was entirely pointed at myself ... and Damon. I hated myself for being here, I hated myself for being alive and I hated him for having lied to me, for not keeping up to his promise.

I saw her shallow but she didn't say another word, just turned around to walk out of the tomb. When she reached the entrance, she turned around one last time.

"Elena ... he's here. You can say goodbye ..."

Then she was gone.

I stared after her, stared into the mocking emptiness of the tomb. I stumbled backwards, catching the wall behind me with my hands, letting my back rest against the cold stone. My eyes were desperately searching the room for a sign of life but there was nothing, just nothing. The trembling of my hands raised in intensity and I could barely keep my breathing under control. My chest was heaving heavily and rapidly up and down, my entire body trembling from suppressed sobs and unshed tears.

It was when my searching eyes came to rest on the candles on the ground again when I saw that one single candle among all the others, one candle that was different from all the other dozens of candles scattered around it. My eyes fixated on that one single candle. It's light hadn't died down completely, it was still gleaming in the dark of the tomb. Without a reason. It should have been as dark, as dead as the others. But there it was, fighting desperately to stay lit up, to keep the last flicker alive ... the last flicker of life ... and hope. That he wasn't gone, that he was still there. That he would not leave me ... alone ... here ... in the darkness. A darkness that was brutally spreading out around me. Not only in the tomb, but in my mind, my soul, my heart. It came along with a coldness that let shivers run all over my body. And there was nothing, no one to warm me except that little flicker of light ...

A sob escaped my throat. I pressed harder back against the wall, trying to steady myself, trying to prevent desperately to collapse to the ground. I knew I would not be able to ever get up again if I once fell ...

The pressure on my chest was so immense that I feared to suffocate. No air was able to reach my lungs under the constant silent sobs that were shaking my body. I felt like drowning ... drowning in darkness.

When the first tear started to slide down my face, my lungs were able to gather air again - for a desperate scream that hallowed from the walls. All the despair, the fury, the pain of having lost what had been most important to me crashed down on me at once. I slammed my fists against the wall behind me, again and again, to canalize all these emotions, emotions heightened to the extreme, until my hands felt numb from pain, until I smelled the blood and heard it dripping to the ground.

I recoiled deeply when I suddenly saw that my hair was gently being pulled aside. I gasped, standing still, completely immovable while shivers ran down my spine.

As soon as the meaning of that gesture sank in, I broke down. Not being able to hold myself up any longer, my knees gave in and I collapsed to the ground. Burying my face in my hands, I let one sob after another escape my throat.

"This is not fair! Damon, this is not fair at all!" I desperately screamed while my eyes searched the tomb. But the room remained empty. As hard as I looked there was nothing there. Just coldness, just darkness.

"This is it? This is all I got? This is how I shall say goodbye? Not being able to see you, not being able to hear you, not even able to feel you? How? How shall that be a goodbye, huh?!" I went on, still screaming.

"What shall I say now? What do you want to hear? That I love you? That I loved you from the very first moment we met? The moment you made me forget? When I had been walking along that road, in the darkness, all alone and you had appeared in front of me out of nowhere. You had called me Katherine, I had been able to see the astonishment in your eyes and I had seen the flicker of hope die when I had told you I wasn't Katherine, that I was Elena. But then we had talked ... I had told you about Matt ... about his plans for the future and my doubts, my uncertainty, I had told you I hadn't known what I wanted, probably a mysterious stranger who would know all the answers? You had smiled then and it had made me forget all my problems, all my serious thoughts in an instant. You had come closer, you had told me that all I wanted was passion and adventure and even a little danger. You were right ..."

"So if that's what you want me to say, if that's what you want to hear, fine. I love you, Damon! I love you more than anyone, more than everything I ever loved!" I went on, still screaming.

"Now there are no doubts, there is no uncertainty. You want to know what I want? YOU! I want you! All I ever wanted was - YOU!" I screamed into emptiness, my voice breaking at the end as a new wave of tears and sobs rushed over me.

"Please ... please Damon ... please don't leave me", I whispered, having lost all strength to scream. My hands that were clenched to fists now, trembled terribly and my lungs started to protest against the constant lack of oxygen, making me feel as if I would suffocate.

"I love you so much that it breaks my heart to lose you ...", I said, my voice barely a whisper now. I drew my knees as close to my body as possible and wrapped my arms around them, holding on tightly, as if to prevent myself from falling apart.

"I can't ... I can't let you go. Not now, not ever."

I had barely finished the words when I suddenly felt it. A hand, soft and warm, touching my face, a thumb striking gently across my cheekbone, erasing the track of tears.

I held my breath. Afraid to move, afraid to lose the feeling of his hand on my face, the connection to him, I remained immobile. With my eyes closed and fresh tears building up in my eyes, slowly starting to run down my cheeks again, I sat there. I still couldn't hear nor see him but this touch ... I simply reveled in the sensation of his touch on my skin. The warmness that was spreading out from him chased away the coldness that had unfurled in my entire body and suddenly there was light. Only a glimpse, a flicker, nothing more than a small candle that was still fighting with all her strength against the darkness.

He isn't dead. He isn't gone. He is still with me. He is still HERE.

Without a second thought I jumped up. But the warmness and the light remained, the connection remained. I wrenched the door of the tomb open, stumbling out.

Stefan's head jerked up. I met his eyes, so sad, so lost, so hopeless. But it wasn't hopeless. He was still here. There was still a chance ...

"He's here. He is still here", I breathed out, still staring into Stefan's eyes.

I didn't get the response I was hoping for. Stefan got up and I let my eyes wander towards Caroline, who was sitting on the bench next to him and I saw the pity in her eyes growing even stronger. I turned my gaze back to Stefan who was standing in front of me now.

"Elena ...", he whispered and wrapped his arms around me. I stood still, not giving in to his embrace. His hands were striking up and down my back, as if to calm me but they had the opposite effect. Slowly anger and fury started to build up inside me. They had given up. They had given up, just like this. It didn't matter ...

"He's gone", Stefan's voice, barely audible, whispered into me ear.

It was the final thing I needed, needed to explode.

"Stop lying!" I screamed, wanting to get out of his embrace. But as harder I fought as tighter his arms held me.

"Elena!"

"Let go of me! NOW!" I screamed furiously and with all my strength I wrenched myself out of his arms, sending him stumbling backwards.

"He's not gone! He -is-not-gone!" My voice cracked. I turned around and then I ran.

I ran straight into the darkness, letting it enfold around me. I saw trees and branches rush by me, let my legs carry me faster and faster. I didn't stop. Not for a single moment, following the light that was guiding me, that proved me he was still around me.

In the same speed I was rushing through the blackness of the forest, memories rushed by my inner eyes. Memories of me and him. Me and Damon.

Our first meeting at the graveyard.
His kiss on my hand in the Salvatore mansion.
'It was great meeting you, Elena.'
Slabs.
'Stay away from me!'
Screams.
'You did this, this is your fault!'
Fights.
'You are a self serving psychopath!'
A car ride.
'I saved your life.'
His arm on my back, his hand in mine while we danced.
'Don't make me regret being your friend.'
A snap. My brother sinking to the ground. Dead.
'I hate him Stefan!'
A staircase and two men waiting down there at the end for me.
Unshed tears in deep blue eyes. Tears for a lost friend.
'I am not human, Elena!'
'Be the better man, Damon.'
Dark veins under red eyes, feeding me vampire blood.
'I don't want to be a vampire!'
A king-size bed, Damon in my arms, dying.
'I know that you love Stefan and that it will always be Stefan but I love you. You should know that.'
A soft kiss.
'I like you now, just the way you are.'
A necklace being closed around my neck again.
'I am not Stefan, don't try to turn me into him!'
Arms picking me up, carrying me away from a nightmare.
'I promise you, I will never leave you again.'
A glass breaking at the wall of the firewall.
'We'll survive this. We always survive.'
A first returned kiss on the porch.
'It's not right.' - 'Just not right now.'
'I care too much, I am a liability. How ironic is that?'
'Damon just sort of snuck up on me. He got under my skin and not matter what I do I can't shake him.'
' Once you fall in love with someone I don't know if you can ever shake him.'
A roadtrip. A motel room. Shared looks. A hand touching mine gently. Giving in ...
' When I'm with him it just consumes me.'
A last phone call.
'Maybe if you and I had met first ...'
A last breath.
Lost memories
A kiss on the forehead, a tear sliding down a cheek.
A first meeting.
'You want a love that consumes you, you want passion and adventure and even a little danger.'
'I want you to get everything you're looking for.'
Arms wrapping around my body as we hit the water.
'You saved me.'
A staircase.
'You.'
Remembering a dance.
'I wanted to dance with you today.'
A slow dance. A turn. A kiss. Passion.
'Just one secret selfish day.'
'I don't hate him. I can't. I think I'm falling in love with him.'
'I'm happy.'
Placing a hand on my heart.
'Does this feel wrong.'
A look into deeply sad blue eyes.
'I'm not ready to let go of it.'
A mistletoe.
'I know how I feel so stop fighting it.'
A last soft kiss.
'When I'm with him it feels unpredictable, like I'm free.'
Another phone call.
'It's the most real thing I've ever felt in my entire life. I love you, Damon.'
A cure.
'That's what you do, Damon. You think you don't deserve something so you ruin it. I'm not gonna let you pull that this time.'
A brutal truth.
Arms catching me as I fall.
A lost self.
A decision.
'I'm not sorry that I met you. I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything, that in death you're the one that made me feel most alive. I'm not sorry that I'm in love with you.'
The summer of my life.
'You are my life.'
A break up.
'I won't change who I am. I can't.'
Embraced by saving arms.
'The last thing I remember, I was running into your arms. I felt so save.'
A fight.
'We are toxic. It has to end.'
Electricity.
'You need to let me go.'
A kiss on the forehead.
'You and I ... we are real.'
Waking up to an open window.
A desperate kiss.
'I'm holding it together the best I can - for you.'
A last look into my deep blue eyes.
'Elena, I've seen it since the second I laid eyes on you.'

The memories stopped abruptly. Surprised, shocked, I stumbled and unable to outbalance my body weight my knees hit the ground. I wanted to get up again right away when chills suddenly ran down my spine. I felt the warmness being withdrawn, felt the presence I had felt since that moment in the tomb a few minutes ago slowly starting to fade away. I panicked. Still remaining on the ground, I looked around wildly. I was on a small meadow that was surrounded by enormous trees, making it impossible to see more than a glimpse of dark sky. That same sky that was clear, filled with stars the entire night, slowly started to cloud. All that remained was a glimpse of light shining through the high thick branches of the trees. A light that was shining unnaturally bright. I tried to make out a shape, a shadow, anything that would proof me he was there. But there was nothing, nothing but that single light.

My hands dig into the ground, curled to fists that started trembling terribly again, my breath came ragged out of my lungs, swallow, fast; my body was shaking all over again as the tears ran anew down my cheeks.

I screamed in agony. Wrapping my arms around my body, slowly rocking back and forth.

"You lied to me, Damon! You lied to me! You promised to never leave me again! You promised me to return, to come back to me! So where are you, Damon?! Where are you?!" I screamed out under constant tears.

"I can't ... I can't do this! I can't do this again! I can't move on! And I don't want to! If that makes me weak, then fine I'm weak! But I can't handle it, not this time, Damon, not without you! I can't handle you ... I can't handle you being gone!" I sobbed as I saw the clouds covering that last stray of light.

As it diminished, the warmth that had spread out from the presence, Damon's presence, was gone. I shivered even harder as the coldness wrapped around me again, as it lay itself around my heart. The meadow that had been illuminated by the soft but constant stray of light shining through the tree branches laid in complete darkness now. A darkness that was even spreading out inside me.

As the first raindrop hit the ground, I broke. My heart broke.

He was gone. He was really gone.

Numb, incapable of anything, I simply let my body drop to the side and pulled up my knees as close to my chest as possible. With my fingertips I touched my cheek where Damon's hand had grazed it only a short while ago, where I had felt his skin, his touch.
I let the tears freely run down may face, letting them mingle with the rain that was now constantly pouring down on me. I welcomed the darkness that had spread all around me as I closed my eyes. All I wished for was to die.

I didn't know how long I had laid there like this when a hand softly touched my shoulder.
I recoiled and was up to sitting within a second. The flicker of hope died as fast as it had appeared and the brutal truth crashed down on me once again when the eyes I was staring into weren't deep blue but soft grey instead. They looked at me in sympathy and heartbreak as he saw my reaction, knowing very well who I had expected to see. His own grief was clearly visible in these eyes as well as the hurt in the wet tracks on his cheeks. I stared into these eyes while I spoke out for the first time what I hadn't wanted to admit to myself.

"He's gone", I brought out, despair audible in my voice.

"I know", was all he replied in a whisper, his voice shaking dangerously.

It needed no more than hearing this heartbrokenness to fling my arms around him. He returned the embrace, wrapping his arms around my body, pulling me very close.
We remained like this for a long while, the rain pouring harder and harder down on us both but none of us cared. We wept together, sitting on the meadow, arms wrapped around each other as if the other person was the only thing keeping us together.

I had lost my love while he had lost his best friend.

After a while he lifted me up into his arms without another word. He held me close the entire way and I didn't look up. I didn't want to. I couldn't. Looking into his eyes that reflected the same grief that held mine would destroy the last bit of sanity that was still in me. Instead, I pressed my eyes close, clung to the wet fabric of his shirt as if it would save me from drowning. I let myself carry like this through the darkness by my former teacher, my coach, my friend, my family, by Ric.

Hot water was pouring down on me, warming my ice cold skin, my aching muscles, but it didn't, it couldn't, reach my soul and my heart. They remained ice cold, frozen. I was pressing my hands against the wall, supporting my body, fighting against the power that was forcing me to the ground. My forehead was leaning against the cold wet marble as broken pieces of the last hours rushed through my mind. I let it all rain down on me, just like the water that was pouring down, dripping from the tips of my hair to the ground, washing away my tears. My hair was a curtain around my face, shielding me from the outside world. It resembled the wall I had build up around me as soon as Ric had appeared back at the tomb with me in his arms and I had been faced with the pity and heartbreak of the others. I had been surprised to see Jeremy among them, wondering why he had been standing there all alone, his shoulders slumped, his eyes fixed on the ground. As Ric had let me down, she had pulled him aside, carefully whispering into his ear. Clumsy, sweet Caroline, believing I wouldn't hear a word, wanting to protect me - from even more pain, more loss. It didn't matter. Bonnie hadn't returned either. With her being the anchor and the Other Side breaking apart, she had diminished with it. She was gone. Just as him.

It didn't matter to me.

There is only so much hurt you can take. Until you shut it all out. I didn't turn my emotions off. That only leaves you with complete ignorance, feeling completely free of everything. I didn't want to be detached. I wanted to remain ... me. Yet I couldn't bear the pain. I had learned very well from the master, raising up walls so high that I was incapable of looking above them. All I saw was blankness, darkness, nothingness in front of me. I felt attached, I felt like me, yet I felt numb.

But it helped. Now I knew why you always behaved like this, shutting it all out, creating these massive stone walls around you and your heart. It was a good protection, a protection from your own feelings. Feelings that would crush you under its weight, its impact.

I was there. I was alive. My body keeping its functions up. Yet, I never felt more like a vampire than I did in this moment as the water ran down my body. A vampire doesn't have a heartbeat, yet you feel it. You feel it in your body, in your chest, feel it reacting to emotions - love, anger, sadness. I didn't feel it at all. Not since the moment I was laying there on the ground in the darkness, in the rain, realizing the brutal truth that he was undeniably gone. I felt nothing.

I turned the water off, wrapping myself in a towel as I left the shower and over to the bedroom the bathroom was attached to. I went straight to the king size bed, sitting down on the soft sheets. I watched how my hands that laid in my lab were slowly being covered with wet drops. I realized only after a while that my wet hair falling loosely around my shoulders wasn't the cause. It weren't water drops that covered the skin of the back of my hands but tear drops. My hands clenched to fists around the soft white fabric of the towel as I lifted my face from the inevitable sign of my pain.

As I did so my gaze fall onto the armchair standing in the corner at the window. Damon was never the tidy one. How many times had I dig through mounts of clothes on the search of that one single top I had placed on the chair? How many times had I yelled at him for this? Oh what would I give to yell at him for this nonsense just one more time ...

I slowly got up from the bed, walking over to the armchair and picking up the piece of clothes that was laying on top. His favorite shirt. Black of course. Holding it in both hands, I remembered how I had touched it, touched him wearing it just yesterday. Gently I lifted it up, covering my nose in the soft fabric. It wore his unmistakable scent.

Still inhaling the comforting smell I walked back to the bed, laying it on top of the sheets. I dried my skin, put on my underwear and then got into his shirt. I lifted the blanket and crawled into bed. Laying on my back, I stared to the ceiling.

I cursed Damon for choosing this bed. I had always told him that it was enormous, too huge, that you feel lost in it. Laying alone here now, I felt more lost than ever. When I had cursed him for being a show-off, I had cradled up close to him, wrapping my legs around his and laying my head on his chest. I still remembered his smile and the mischief in his eyes when he had answered that he chose the bed exactly out of this reason - that I would feel cold and would cradle up against the side of his body. Today I knew I had to endure it, the cold, the loneliness. There was no one there to cradle up against, no one to warm me, no one to banish that feeling of being all alone.

Laying in the darkness with Damon's smell surrounding me, a scene played over and over in my mind - its pictures like a movie in front of my eyes and the words filling every corner of the room.

Standing right in front of him, I had starred up into his deep blue eyes as he had told me about his plan to blow up the Grill with the Traveller's inside and that someone would have to act as the trigger - and that he would be that person, he would do it.
For a moment I had been lost for words, then I snapped.

'No, absolutely not!' I had burst out.

In that moment I hadn't cared about anything. Not about my hometown, the travelers, my friends or the spell that would bring my loved ones back. All I cared about in that moment was the person right in front of me and my terrible fear of losing him. In that moment I had only one scene in front of my eyes: me kneeling down in front of another grave.
Sure, I had gone through a lot, I had attended more funerals in the past years than people ever attend in their entire life, I should be used to it, know how to react, how to behave, how to compensate the pain. But in the moment that scene flashed up in front of my eyes I knew that this funeral would be one I wouldn't be able to handle. Even seeing the possibility in front of my eyes was beyond bearable, imagining a life, a future without him was unbearable.

Fresh tears started running down my cheeks as I remembered how I had lifted my hands to cup his face, as I had drawn him closer to me.

'Damon, do you see a future with me? Because that's all I see.'

I had meant it in that moment as I mean it now. All I had seen was a future with him by my side. All I still did see is a future with him by my side, there was no other possibility for me. I couldn't imagine a life where he was not a part of. Who would make me laugh? Who would make me scream? Who would make me smile? Who would make me cry? Who would make me, even as a vampire, feel all these human emotions? I had lost the life I had dreamed of when that car had driven off Wickery Bridge and I had drowned in the water - just to get a second chance and a life I had never wanted to live had turned into an afterlife I had started to love more than my human life. As a human I had barely lived, being filled by fears, doubts, questions, uncertainties. A life as a vampire had always appeared to me as a punishment. To live, but not really live at all, filled by nothing but the hunger for blood and a constant fight for control. It had needed one person, it had needed Damon to show me that being a vampire was a life I had never imagined to be possible. And I believe I had shown him the same. While I had given him something he had never experienced - being loved for who he was - he had shown me all the possibilities the life as a vampire offered. Being free of fears, doubts and uncertainties, I had learned to really live my life. To enjoy the moment. To enjoy being alive. I had experienced human emotions in an intensity and variety, I would never have been able to experience as an ordinary human. I had felt love, rage, grief, happiness and sadness deeper than ever, I had felt more human than ever. And he had let me feel all these emotions intensely, he had pushed me to become the person I had always wanted to be - strong and self confident, a person who stands up and fights for her dreams. The human Elena would have let Damon drive alone, the vampire Elena had fought for her dream and had stood up for her decision, so she had gotten into that car to rather live the life he had painted for her with him or die along with him - because he had become her life. And without him, it wasn't a life any longer.

A last tear was running down my cheeks as I closed my eyes. The last image I had in mind before I drifted off to sleep from exhaustion were his deep blue eyes staring right into mine before I laid my lips on his to kiss him ... one last time ... and his voice ...

'I promise you.'

Slowly the darkness that was closing all around me disappeared, yet I couldn't see clearly. My surroundings were nothing but a blur, the only light coming through what seemed to be an entrance. It was no artificial light, it was soft but cold. I could feel coldness in my back. I was leaning against something, maybe a wall. I was trembling. From the cold? I didn't know. I tried looking around the place I was in and very slowly my vision sharpened. I could make out objects, the light I had seen before, appeared to be the light of the moon, shining in through an open entrance. The whole room was made of stone and so was the wall I was leaning against. As I turned my eyes to the floor, I could make out objects on the ground. There were several of them scattered on the floor, white objects in a room that appeared to be only made of darkness ...

As clearer the objects on the ground became, the more realization began to hit me. I knew where I was. I had been here, only a few hours ago. In this room, in this tomb. I had stood here just like I stood here now, with my back leaning against the wall as tears streamed down my face and my entire body was shaken by my sobs. This was the place Damon had said goodbye to me ...

I wanted to escape. I wanted to get out of here, run away, as far away as possible. I didn't want to have to endure this a second time but I had to. Because as hard as I fought to lift my feet from the ground, I couldn't. I had no control over my body. I felt how the despair started to overwhelm me again, how my lungs began to ache and how the tears began to stream down my face. I prepared myself for that inevitable scream that would tear me apart, once again, when I recognized a movement in the entrance. I held my breath as a dark figure started walking up to me. When he was standing right in front of me, I didn't feel the impact of the scream nor the pain as I smashed my fists against that wall again and they started bleeding. I didn't feel numb. All I could do was staring at the person standing right in front of me, into his piercing blue eyes, filled with sympathy. I saw how he slowly lifted his hand, how he gently pulled my hair aside, just as he had done so many times. I felt the same shivers running down my spine again, I felt how my knees gave in and I sank to the ground but above all - I felt, I really felt him. I felt the warmth radiating from his hand, felt it touch my hair and my cheek lightly as he pulled the lose strays aside.
Unlike the last time when my eyes had searched the empty room, I could see him kneeling down in front of me now. He didn't say a word but he kept his gaze fixated on me.
I could hear the words leaving my mouth, I heard my screams echoing from the walls and I saw him break right there in front of me. He had understood, he had heard every single word I had said. I saw how a slight smile appeared on his face when I mentioned the first time we met and I saw it disappear when I screamed that I loved him, that I loved him more than anyone, everything I ever loved. I saw the tears building up in his eyes when my voice broke at the sentence that all I ever wanted was him and I saw the tear running down his cheek when I begged him not to leave me.

I knew I wouldn't say anything for a whole while, just sitting there on the ground, trying not to fall apart. I was surprised when the silence was suddenly broken - not by my voice but by his. It was soft, gentle, yet stroked with an endless sadness.

'I don't have a choice babe. And even if you can't hear me right now, I want you to know that you are by far the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my 173 years on this earth. The fact that I get to die knowing that I was loved, loved for who I am, and not just by anyone but by you, Elena Gilbert, is the epitome of a fulfilled life. It's never getting any better than this. I got everything I ever wanted. I peaked.'

His voice broke at the end of the sentence as well as my heart. He smiled under tears, a sad but yet happy smile at the same time. Leaving me was unbearable for him, I saw it in his eyes. Yet he was leaving in peace, with all his dreams having come true, with his only dream having come true. Being loved ... by me. I knew I couldn't control my body, I couldn't act in free will because this was a replica of the past. No matter what I wanted to do, wanted to change, I wouldn't get the chance. Therefore in my mind, as my heart was breaking and tears were streaming down my face, this time from a different reason, I lifted my hands to touch his face, to draw him near to me and lay my lips on his, letting our tears mingle.

"I love you so much that it breaks my heart to lose you ...", I heard my past self whispering. And his reply.

'I love you, too ... Elena.'

"I can't ... I can't let you go. Not now, not ever."

Just like the last time, I felt his hand touch my face after having spoken out these words. Yet I experienced it differently. I cherished every moment, knowing it was the last contact I would ever have with him, the last chance to feel him touch me.

'Bye', he whispered, just as I was jumping up from the ground.

Gasping for air, I sat upright in my bed, my hand pressed down over my heart.
Shaking violently and gasping for air I threw the blanket back, got out of bed, into my gown and jerked the balcony doors open. Supporting myself with my hands on the balustrade, eyes closed, I took deep breaths, trying to gain control over my racked breathing. Thoughts, emotions, pictures were swirling in my mind, so fast that I felt dizzy.

With an abrupt halt they suddenly stopped. I slowly opened my eyes and lifting my gaze from the ground, I laid my head back and stared up into the sky. The clouds had diminished again and a million stars were sparkling in an endless black sky.

I promise you.

His words echoed in my mind as my gaze fell onto a star that was sparkling unnaturally bright. It outshone all other stars and it seemed as if it would fight the darkness that was surrounding it.

I lifted one hand from the balustrade of the balcony to reach up to his shirt. I grabbed the soft fabric, closing my fingers around it. Bowing my head, I buried my nose in it, inhaling his scent.
As I lifted my gaze again, up to the sky, a slight smile appeared on my face.

'Thank you, Damon', I whispered as a last tear was running down my cheek.