Kill Your Heroes

"Maybe I should cry for help,

Maybe I should kill myself."

After Coulson and May, you're the first one that goes to see Ward. You don't want to, but it's an order and you've always obeyed orders.

You find him sitting on his bed - it's not much of a bed, but it serves its purpose, you suppose - his face covered in blood and you're pretty sure at least one of his fingers is broken.

May can be brutal when she wants to, and you know that when it comes to Grant Ward, she definitely wants to.

You tend to his wounds without saying a word and avoiding eye-contact.

He speaks first. "How's Fitz?"

You stab his wound with the wash cloth a bit harder than needed and you barely catch the way his breath hitches in pain. You know he's good at faking. "Why would you care?", you're surprised at the calmness of your voice.

"I didn't think you'd sink."

You pause for just a moment, remembering something Fitz said. You've got the whole experience forever engraved in your memory and you remember every word, every breath you took.

(Every breath Fitz didn't.)

You remember that he spent an hour trying to figure out why you sank.

Still, you ignore Ward and finish cleaning his wounds as fast as you can. A few stitches here, a few there, and soon you're done.

You let out a sigh of relief as you pack your things and go to leave.

"Jemma-"

You flinch. "Don't call me that.", you say almost instantly.

"I didn't think you'd sink." is the last thing you hear him say as you leave the room.

Two weeks later, Ward tries to commit suicide.

Obviously, you're the first person they call to tend to his wounds because somehow you've got an M.D. without even going to medical school and you really want to laugh at that because you're far from a medical doctor. It takes some convincing on their part to make you go down there because you keep screaming "I am not a medical doctor!" at them as you stay by Fitz side. He's having a hard time remembering words and he just looks so broken and it's all your fault your fault /your fault/ and right now you really wish you were a medical doctor - a neurologist, to be precise - because then you'd be able to actually help Fitz and not just give him looks filled with pity which you just can't shake off.

Coulson manages to persuade you, though, because no matter how much you hate it you know that Ward has information on HYDRA which could help in rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D. and Coulson can't risk him being dead.

So you go and you help Grant Ward and you're not surprised to find out that you hate helping him because he definitely did not help neither you nor Fitz by dropping you in the middle of the ocean.

You know you shouldn't be feeling that much hate, that you should never wish anyone death because that's what old Jemma would never have done. But, you aren't the same Jemma you were before.

And this new Jemma is allowed to wish Grant Ward death.

"Next time,", you say bitterly. "think of something more creative."

Because you know he's going to try again. You know the look on his face.

You used to have that look when Fitz was in a coma and you thought he'd die because it was all your fault your fault your fault.

(Fitz woke up before you could do anything, though.)

Ward closes his eyes, the sedatives doing their jobs, and says nothing.

You're tending to his wounds again after another questioning and you're pretty sure he hasn't said a word to them because his face is even worse than last time.

Also, he didn't say anything or even flinch since you came and if you didn't know better you'd think he even stopped breathing for a second there.

Not like you'd care if he did, though. Not anymore.

You're stitching up the last cut on his shoulder when he speaks for the first time. His voice is hoarse and for the life of you you're not sure if it's from him not speaking for hours - maybe days, even - or if he just screamed so loud because they caused them more pain than he could handle.

You opt for the first reason, though, because you don't peg Ward as someone who'd break under the physical torture brought on him by others. By his own psychological torture, though? Definitely, because now, when he's looking you straight in the eyes (and no matter how much you want to look away, you just can't), Grant Ward has never looked more broken.

"Can you get me a piece of paper?", he asks and for a moment your eyes widen in surprise and your brows furrow because what could he possibly need a piece of paper for?

And then it hits you.

Sitting on the shabby jail bed in front of you is Grant Ward - the first S.H.I.E.L.D. specialist who has the best scores after Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow herself. Ward's training probably included things like how to kill a person with only a paperclip in eighteen different ways.

Only God knows what kind of damage he can do to others with just a piece of paper.

No, not to others. Himself.

"Ward, I-", you don't know what to say, or do. You really, honestly don't.

Helping someone to commit suicide has never been something you had ever thought of doing. Hating someone so much you want them dead is something you had never thought of doing, either. But, even though things change and people change and you've definitely changed, you still don't feel right by giving him what he wants.

A part of you wants to give him the paper and leave. Go far far away before he even tries anything because you don't want to be there once he does something. You know that'd mean leaving Fitz behind, but maybe that'd help him. It's been months and you've been with him every single step of the way, but you still couldn't help him and you believe that he's getting too attached to you, becoming too dependant on you to always be there helping him instead of having courage to do things on his own.

Maybe separation will help him.

Another part of you, though, wants to just tell Ward to fuck off because how selfish can a person get? He wants to kill himself. He wants an easy way out.

Fitz didn't get an easy way out. Fitz didn't wake up and just be okay. He didn't get out of the battle with just a broken larynx. He got out with a fucking brain injury. Something that will affect him for the rest of his life, and he'll never be completely okay. He'll never be able to fix himself completely.

He will never be the same Fitz he was before, and it makes your heart tighten in your chest.

He doesn't deserve the easy way out.

But, the opinion of the other part of your mind gets your train of thought back to Fitz and what Ward did to him.

"Fitz has brain damage.", you say, your voice cold and your glare deadly. "His brain was without oxygen for several minutes. His front lobe is.. He's got brain damage, and it's all your fault.", your voice starts to waver but you keep going. "He can't remember words. He gets lost in thought a lot. He can't even do his job properly at times and it's all. your. fault."

Ward stays silent and you feel like yelling but you don't because then the guards will hear and they'd probably escort you out. So, you take a deep breath as you tear out a piece of paper from your notebook that you always kept in your pocket, in which you wrote certain notes on Fitz and how he's progressing ever since he was discharged from the hospital. When you speak, your voice comes out as a whisper; cold and bitter and angry.

"You broke him, Ward.", you say. "You can have your fucking piece of paper."

You put the paper in his hand, careful not to touch him because even the sight of him disgusts you, and then you walk out, not looking back.

Coulson gives you the leave you asked for and you go as far away from The Playground as you can, careful not to take any technical equipment so Skye wouldn't be able to track you. You even check your bags for trackers and bugs twice.

And then, you disappear.

(You never find out if Ward ever gave suicide another try and you find yourself not even caring.)

A.N.: First of all I want to say that suicide is never the answer, no matter how lost and broken you feel. Secondly, the question that stuck with me after the premiere was "Who the fuck gives a highly trained specialist a piece of paper while in prison and after the first suicide attempt?" so I wrote this as a response. Jemma is probably completely out of character, but we haven't gotten a look at her and her emotions after the season one finale, so I didn't know how to portray her. Also, remember when we thought Fitz was gonna end up in a wheelchair? Fun times.