Background

So, it's been a month since A has been gone. The girls were wrong about Ali, she was on the defense with them, acting somewhat shady to get the A targets off of their backs. She never stopped caring for them and trying to keep them safe, especially Emily. However, the girls are still hurt that Ali couldn't just trust them and tell them the truth. Although Spencer, Aria and Hanna are all trying slowly and with baby steps to steps to forgive Ali and let her back in, Emily has totally shut her out, ignoring phone calls and text messages and averts her eyes from the blonde even in public, but Ali is determined to win back her mermaid's heart, no matter what.

CHAPTER 1

February

Alison's POV

It's been a month since I got rid of A and the girls are still giving me the cold shoulder. They can't trust me so I've been going about things on my own. I never knew what they felt when they thought I was dead, but know I feel dead to them again and it hurts. I know I've lied to them, but it was all with good intention. The old me wouldn't have cared because the old them would come running back to me anyways. I was their queen b and now I'm practically nothing. It would've been near impossible to admit this to myself a few years ago, but the girls never needed me, I needed them, and I'm finally getting the pain I deserve for being that awful bitch to them and so many others a few years ago. But I'm no longer the girl I was 2 years ago, at least I'm trying my hardest not to be, and I'm trying to convince them of that too. In the 2 years that I've been gone, A has tortured my friends, and I know that they are no longer the same. Spencer isn't intimidated by me and has found someone who loves her, Aria has found someone to share her compassion with and is a woman, now longer the girl with the pink stripe in her hair, Hanna is beautiful, she always was, I was just too insecure about myself, so I made her feel like she wasn't beautiful, now she knows and then there's Emily, she's changed the most.

Emily Fields. I wish I could turn back the hands of time to that day I let her kiss me in the library. And that was just the thing, I let her believe I let her kiss me, but the truth is, I wanted her too, I wanted to feel her lips on mine, I wanted to kiss her back. I was just too confused and scared, too wrapped up in keeping up my reputation that I turned her away, harshly. I told her that her feelings were one sided, I told her I was only using her for practice and I laughed in her face. I teased her knowing how she felt, I played with her heart, the kindest of them all, I could see the hurt in her eyes and all I could do was… nothing. I regretted every lie I told her while I was gone. I had so much time to think about everyone I had hurt, so much time to feel guilty for the way I treated her. I kept thinking that if I died without telling her how I really felt, it was because I didn't even deserve closure for who I was. But she was the only thing pushing me to stay alive, when it was so easy to give up. I fought to live because of her, for her. I knew that I had to tell her how I felt, even if I said it with the last breaths I'd ever take again. I don't deserve her, but she should know. She should know I thought of her every day, and I still do. My thoughts are clouded with her, my dreams are filled with vivid images of her smile, and I can hear her laugh echoing in my head.

God, how I miss her. I miss everything about her. Her warm and inviting brown eyes, the feel of her strong arms wrapped around me, making me feel so safe and what I miss the most is the way she would look at me when she thought no one, especially me, was paying attention. But I always knew when Em was watching, I could feel her. I knew the night I got back that she had stayed up all night in bed watching me; depriving herself of much needed sleep to make sure I was ok. So protective, so caring, so Emily.

But everything is different now. It's harder.

Now she won't return any of my messages, she won't even look at me. She used to be so timid and shy and quiet. My sweet Emily. But now she's grown up. And I can still see the insecurity I have placed in her, in her eyes. If only she knew, has strong she was, how beautiful she was, especially when the sunlight would catch her hair, glimmer in her eyes and cast the most gorgeous shadows across her face, she could have anybody she wanted, she can be anyone she wanted. Even though A called her the weakest link, she never was, she was and still is the strongest girl I know; so strong that she's put up a barrier around her and her heart, a barrier to keep me out, when I so badly want to be let in. I think the others are starting to warm up to me but it'll never be enough. I have to win back Em's heart, no matter what. I'd spend the rest of my life, tearing her barrier down, brick by brick.