The Only Way to Survive High School is with Your Fists Blazing

Cover Photo Source: : strawberry-milk-anime . blogspot / 2011 / 07 / blatant-fan-service-in-gintama . html

Author's Note: This is a long A/N, but please stick with me! If you really want to skip it, though, look for the big line break.

Warnings for This Chapter: The rating will vary, but this one is T for some foul language and sexual innuendos.

This is an AU: I've been itching for a high school AU love story of everyone's favorite yaoi Gintama pairing, but I can't seem to find one! Does anyone know of any fics like that? If so, please drop a line!

Anyway, after a while, I couldn't stand it, so I started writing this fic. I'm a long-time lover of Gintama, but it's my first time writing about these beloved clowns, so please let me know how I'm doing. Forgive me for what will undoubtedly be lots of terrible attempts at humor.

Length/Content: Right now I'm just flailing around in a word processing page, but I want to make this a nice ongoing story. There will most definitely be tasty lemons to come (which will be sectioned off in case you want to skip them), but I want to do a somewhat slow build up to it and really take advantage of the AU setting to get some fun, playful fluff, sexual tension, the nerves of young romance, and the feeling of danger and hesitation in pursuing a homosexual relationship in a society that still largely resists the idea.

Japanese Phrases: Please forgive me, I'm a huge fan of a lot of the catch phrases and speech patterns that get tossed around in Gintama. I'll try not to sound too touristy about it, but I want to incorporate lots of bits of common Japanese words and phrases, like 'yorozuya,' honorifics, and one of my favorites, "Zura jya nai. Katsura desu," when the time comes. For those who aren't familiar with or don't immediately recognize these little things, I'll include a list with explanations in each chapter.

My Romaji: For those of you studying Japanese, a note on my romaji: I like to make my romaji as complete as possible, because I found this helped me a lot when I was first learning the hiragana characters. It helps a lot with spelling and understanding stress, I think. So I use 'ou, ei, jya' etc. instead of 'oo, ee, ja' etc. Sometimes that makes things look a little clunky, so please forgive me! Also, I haven't had occasion to use romaji in a while, so I apologize for any little mistakes I make.

Words and Phrases in This Chapter

Yoroshiku: Used here as the closing to an introduction, like 'Nice to meet you' (not a literal translation).

-san: General honorific. Polite suffix used for any gender.

Oi: 'Hey'

Sensei: 'Teacher.'

Temee: Literally, 'you.' It is extremely informal (in fact, this is the slang spelling) and usually rude. It's often translated as 'bastard.'

Sumimasen: 'Excuse me, I'm sorry,' or 'thank you,' depending on the context. (Super useful word!)

Hai: 'Yes.' Polite.

Shitsureshimasu: 'Excuse me,' used when excusing yourself to leave in a formal situation.

Gaki: 'Kid, brat.'

Okaa-san: 'Mother.'

Bentou: 'Lunch box.'

Baba: 'Old lady, hag.'

Baka: 'Idiot.'

Itekimasu: Literally, 'I will go and come back,' a phrase used when leaving the house.

Iterashai: Literally, 'please go and come back,' the response to 'itekimasu' when someone leaves.

Danna: 'Mister,' used often by Sougo when addressing Gin. It's often translated as 'boss.'

-kun: Honorific suffix primarily used for males in the same age group.

Yorozuya: 'Odd jobs, jack-of-all-trades.' This is the title Gin gives himself and his shop. It has really interesting origins that you can read about on the wiki page. (gintama . wikia wiki / yorozuya _ Gin-chan)

Banjiya: 'Odd jobs,' the typical word used for this concept in Japanese. Kagura points this out in episode 164 (gintama . wikia wiki / yorozuya _ Gin-chan)

A'iight, on to the story!

Day One

The seventeen-year-old boy stood at the front of his new class with a bored look on his face. He introduced himself at the teacher's prompting.

"Yo. Sakata Gintoki. Sweets are the most important thing in life, and if any of you ever makes a pass at one of my parfaits, I'll throttle you. Yoroshiku." He looked back at his teacher with a raised eyebrow that silently asked, am I done now?

The teacher, Isao Kondou let out a sigh. He knew this kid would turn out to be a pain in the ass. Everything about him from his lazy appearance (scuffed sneakers, plain jeans, and a jacket that he only wore by one sleeve, letting the other dangle carelessly at his side) to his punk-ass silver hair exuded trouble waiting to happen.

"Fantastic, Sakata-san," Kondou said, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. "Okay, everyone give him a warm welcome."

The kids gave a half-assed round of applause, and Kondou was just thinking he might manage to move on without a hitch when one of the girls shouted from the back of the class. "Oi, sensei! What's up with his hair? Principle said I can't dye mine blue, but he gets to cosplay as an old man?"

Kondou sighed again. "Believe it or not, Sakata-san's hair is naturally that color. And naturally wavy," he added without thinking.

Gintoki rolled his eyes. "One of Gin-san's many talents," he said. Then he turned toward the kid who'd spoken out. "You! Don't look down on the elderly! Our generation planted the trees!"

"What are you even saying?" The girl called back. "You're obviously no older than 12!"

"Alright, alright, you're done. Just go take a seat Sakata-san. Catherine, you're staying for detention again today." She scoffed and mumbled profanities under her breath, but otherwise shut up.

Gin picked his nose as he strolled toward the only empty seat near the back of the room. He plopped into the chair and took a glance at his neighbors. There was a girl with bright orange hair in front of him doodling lazy patterns on her desk. The kid on his left had black hair that was way too long and was engrossed in making a weird white penguin doll do some crazy dance. To his right sat a boy dressed in all black with an almost comically grumpy look on his face.

"Oi, oi," Gin whispered to him. "I think there's something stuck up your ass. You'll feel better if you pull it out."

"Tch!" He hissed, glaring at him. "Shut the fuck up, new kid."

"Hmm, yeah, definitely something big up there. They have a nurse here you know. It'll probably take a professional to yank that out."

"You got a hearing problem asshole?" he growled, leaning toward him in an aggressive stance.

"Your asshole is what's got a problem," Gin said lazily. "Your friend Gin-san is helping you out here. You're welcome."

"Hah?" He grunted. "Who the hell called you friend? I'm gonna beat some respect into you soon as—"

"Hijikata-san!" Kondou shouted from the front of the room. "Quiet back there. Raise your hand if you want to say something."

Hijikata, huh? Gin thought. What an annoying name. Still, he looked forward to continuing to piss the guy off. Gin smirked and leaned back in his chair which made rather obnoxious creaking sounds. Maybe he wouldn't die of boredom here.

The rest of the day went by quickly. Gin had transferred to this school two weeks after the start of the semester, so he had to slog his way through a lot of extra meetings with his teachers to pick up far too many packets of extra homework to catch up on. Only vaguely did he notice how bizarre all of his classmates were. There was no such thing as quiet in that building.

He let out a sigh when school was finally over. He couldn't wait to cram all the stupid books and homework that had accumulated in his locker throughout the day into his backpack and get home. He didn't even care that he'd be coming home to his crazy old bat of a guardian yelling at him to do chores he'd inevitably manage to sneak out of doing.

As far as he was concerned, nothing could ruin this wonderful relief of being done for the day.

Hijikata slammed Gin against his locker. The kid was foolish enough to stick around after most people had left, giving Hijikata the perfect chance to get some payback. He smirked as he bent one of Gin's arms behind his back. To his surprise, Gin immediately responded by jabbing him in the stomach with his free elbow. He whirled around and kicked Hijikata away from him the moment his grip loosened on his arm.

"I see you didn't go to the nurse. I bet you have hemorrhoids by now," Gin said, totally unfazed by the assault.

Hijikata growled and rushed forward. This time he grabbed the boy by his collar and lifted him off the ground. "Temee! I told you to shut the fuck up."

"That was hours ago. Or are you in so much pain that your sense of time is warped?" Hijikata felt himself getting even angrier when the other boy continued to show no emotion. His body was relaxed, and his eyes were totally blank. Kind of glazed over. Like dead fish eyes, Hijikata thought with disgust.

"I don't think you get it, kid. I call the shots around here, and you pissed me off. I can make your life hell," he rumbled from the back of his throat.

"Tsk, tsk," Gin taunted. "Rude one, aren't you? This is a lot of trouble for a few cheeky comments. You got a crush on me or something?" He smirked devilishly.

Hijikata tried to punch him in the face, but Gin caught his fist just before it landed. "Listen, I'm flattered, but we just met," he teased.

Hijikata was about to pull out all the stops and just kick this boy in the balls and then beat him until he was begging for mercy when he heard footsteps. Reluctantly, he released Gin, but continued to glare at him.

"Oh? Hijikata-san? And you, Sakata-san, was it?" A beautiful young woman asked as she rounded the corner. "What are you still doing here? School's been out for a half an hour."

"Sumimasen, Shimura-sensei," Hijikata said with a bow. Gin raised his eyebrows at his sudden polite behavior. "I was just helping out Sakata-kun since he's new. Making sure he understands how things work around here," he continued. There was just a hint of bite behind his words.

Otae smiled brightly. "Ah, how nice! Well you can show him around more tomorrow. You should be heading home now."

"Hai," Hijikata responded. "Shitsureshimasu," he said with another bow. As he walked down the hall, he looked over his shoulder to shoot one more glare at Gin before heading toward the exit.

Day Two

"Oi, oi! Gintoki! You're going to be late!" the old woman shouted outside Gin's bedroom door. He groaned at the sound of her raspy voice and buried his face in his pillow. Maybe if he stayed quiet she'd forget about him. "Oi, Gaki! Get your lazy ass out of bed!"

"Okaa-san, that's no way to talk to your son!" Gin yelled back, the sound muffled by his pillow.

"Who's okaa-san? Get up and go to school so you can hurry up and move out on your own!"

Gin let out an enormous groan. "Fiiiiine! I'm up! Go away you old bat!" He shouted, reluctantly rolling out of bed.

"Hm! That's no way to talk to okaa-san!"

"Oi! You just denied that! You can't be okaa-san now! You can't just go back on the joke!"

"It's my house, I'll do as I please!"

Suddenly they heard a pounding sound from the floor below them. "Worthless gaki!" the old woman yelled, a little quieter, through the door. "You're pissin' off the neighbors."

Gin, now fully dressed, opened the door and rolled his eyes at her. "Who's the one yelling here?"

Otose gave him a light bop on the head. "You're about to be yelling if you don't get out of here. It's 7:30."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled. "I'm going, I'm going."

While Gin sleepily shoved his books into his backpack, Otose disappeared into the kitchen. She came back a minute later with a wrapped bentou and a carton of strawberry milk. Gin beamed at her. "You're a saint, baba."

She handed him the items and then gave him another whack on the head. "Don't compliment and insult people in the same sentence, baka."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled. He slid his shoes on and moved to the door. "Itekimasu," he said with a yawn and a wave over his shoulder.

Now that his back was turned, Otose smiled. "Iterashai," she called back.

This was a typical morning for them, but in spite of all the yelling, she loved it. Her house had been lonely and boring before she'd taken this kid in at the beginning of the summer, and she was grateful to have someone around to argue with. Like hell was she going to age like society expected her to, living out her days calmly and slowly, drinking tea alone while she read the paper. She'd make sure her neighbors had a broom on hand to pound on their ceiling until the day she died.

Snickering at the thought, Otose left the foyer to start getting ready for her day of work at the shop.

Gin was exhausted because he'd had to stay up late doing the first round of his damn make-up work. The only reason he did it was because Otose had sat vigilantly by his desk reading a newspaper, whacking him roughly the second he stopped working. Thankfully, he managed to mostly sleep his way through class all the way until lunch time. He jolted awake a minute before the bell rang as if he'd set an internal alarm clock.

"Finally awake, eh asshole?" Hijikata whispered.

Gin smirked. "You were watching me sleep?" He was delighted to see Hijikata's face contort with anger.

"Hell no! I was forced to listen to your obnoxious snoring! You're too loud!"

"You're the one shouting," Gin said happily. Nothing could dampen his high spirits at the moment; he had a bentou waiting, and he desperately hoped Otose had been kind enough to include his favorite pudding. He jumped out of his seat the second the bell rang. "See you later, Oogushi-kun!"

"What did you call me?" Hijikata roared. But Gin was already gone, already trotting off to the lunch room.

"Tch!" Hijikata glared at the air Gin had previously occupied and moved to head for the cafeteria as well. The fact that he'd be forced to eat in the same room with that asshole irritated him to no end, but he knew Kondou wouldn't allow him to stay in the classroom. The bastard sensei was too pitiful to enforce rules with intimidation, but Hijikata had a soft spot for him; that gorilla really did care about his students.

Too bad for Hijikata that he forgot about his roof spot. When he arrived in the lunch room, he realized with dismay that the only available seat was across from a certain silver-haired jerk. He stormed his way over, determined to eat his damn lunch, pest or no pest.

"Hey asshole," he greeted Gin as he sat down. "Before you make some jackass remark, this is the only seat open. I hate you with all my soul, and I can only hope I don't throw up from disgust with your presence."

However, Hijikata's brilliant entrance was completely ignored. Gin was enthralled by his lunch and half heartedly participating in a conversation with Kagura who sat to his left.

"Gin-chan!" she said, nudging him with her elbow. She'd instantly taken a liking to the boy and spoke to him familiarly from the start. "I heard you've got a job even though you're just a kid."

"Yep," Gin responded through bites of pudding. "Yorozuya Gin-chan, at your service."

Hijikata couldn't stand being ignored, especially not by this brat. "What the hell is a yorozuya?"

"Odd jobs," Gin said without looking up.

"Don't you mean banjiya?" Kagura asked.

"No, no, yorozuya," he said. "My shop is one of a kind, so it has a unique name."

Hijikata was getting increasingly pissed off by how focused the kid was on his food. "Odd jobs? So, what, you do anything for money?"

"I'm not sucking your dick if that's what you're asking," Gin said bluntly.

"What?" Hijikata shouted. The lightest hint of a blush touched his face. "Like hell would I ask you to do that!"

"Good, because I'm not doing it."

"Don't you listen? I said I'm not asking you to do it!"

"I might," the boy next to Hijikata interrupted. "How much, Danna?" he asked, leaning forward and resting his head on his hands.

"Sougo? What the hell?" Hijikata recoiled and stared at him in shock.

"What? I want to know my options."

Gin stroked his chin. "Hmm… Depends. How do you want to use your water hose? You want to spray the petals or soak the soil?"

Hijikata's mouth dropped. Kagura just watched the exchange obliviously while she munched on pickled sea weed.

"I want to mist the petals so I can see the water drops. I'll give you 300 yen," he said flatly.

"300 yen?" Gin repeated gruffly. "What flower's gonna let you spray on him for 300 yen?"

"Are you serious? Are you seriously going to have this guy pay you to suck his cock?" Hijikata stared at the two of them.

"Wow, Hijikata-kun, is that all you think about? Okita-kun and I are talking about gardening here. Gardening."

"Yes, you really should get your mind out of the gutter Hijikata-kun. Danna, I'll give you 400 yen," Sougo said as he turned back to Gin.

"Tch! Fucking faggots," Hijikata mumbled and stood to leave.

"Says the guy who thinks about cocks all day."

"Shut up new kid!" Hijikata stormed away to avoid hearing whatever retort the boy had planned. This wasn't funny. This wasn't funny at all. Only the second day of this bastard being here and Hijikata felt like he was ruining everything. He couldn't blow his nose without feeling those dead fish eyes on him and that stupid mouth ready to spout garbage.

"Yamazaki!"

"H-hai!" the boy appeared out of nowhere at the sound of his name.

"Got a job for you. Stake out the new kid. Find his weaknesses. I need some good dirt on that asshole." Giving orders, being in command, Hijikata felt better already. He could take care of this nuisance easily. He'd be nothing for a brilliant tactician like him.

"Hai!" Yamazaki gave a brisk salute and then ran off to buy anpan.

Hijikata smiled as he made his way to the roof. It was empty as usual—everyone knew this was Hijikata's private smoking spot, and no one dared to come up here for fear of his fists. He walked over to the edge of the building and leaned on the railing, then looked out at the city while he lit a cigarette. After a minute he kicked the railing, realizing he should have come up here in the first place. But then again, why should he have to? He was the boss here. The crowd of kids parted for him when he walked down the hall, and no one dared to even think about stepping on his toes. He had to deal with this worm before things got out of hand.

"You better prepare yourself, yorozuya. I'm gonna find something to use against you. Then I'm gonna beat some life into your eyes."

Ooo, scary! So, what do you think so far? Thanks for reading!