Japanifornia, Don't Mess with Brooklyn

by Cyberwulf

Rated: K

Summary: With the usual judges out of action, trials are heard before a visiting judge from Manhattan - Judge Judy. Written for the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme.

xxx

Apollo shifted nervously from foot to foot as he waited for the judge to enter the courtroom. With the usual judge and his Canadian brother out of action due to a beard-related mishap, all cases were being heard before a visiting judge from Manhattan. By all accounts, she ran a very different courtroom to the usual judges.

"Judge Sheindlin is super-strict, Apollo!" Athena had warned him. "She made Prosecutor Gavin button up his jacket because his necklace was distracting her, and then she told him to buy a shirt that covers his navel before he appears in court again. And later, she told me to put my Mood Matrix away because she's got a truth machine in the back of her head." His junior partner had put her head on one side at that, stroking her earring thoughtfully. "The weird thing is, I don't think she was making that up…"

"All rise!" the bailiff called. Apollo craned his neck to get a look at Judge Sheindlin as she entered the courtroom. She was short and thin, with red-blonde hair. Despite her age, there was a sharpness and strength about her. Apollo absolutely could picture her telling off Klavier for dressing like a rockstar, and was glad he'd taken Athena's advice to wear his sleeves rolled down for a change.

On the other side of the courtroom, Simon Blackquill seemed utterly unfazed by the new judge. He scratched Taka on the head as the bailiff read out the details of the case and the judge got settled in. Apollo took the time to review his own notes and evidence, thanking his lucky stars that for once he didn't have a murder case. His client, fishmonger Carmel Codd, was accused of selling lobster from a hijacked shipment that was destined for an upscale food store. He and Athena had uncovered some solid evidence that Codd had been duped by a salesman who was likely the real thief. With any luck, he would at least throw enough doubt on the prosecution's case to buy them another day to investigate.

After a few moments with no opening statement, Apollo realised the judge was staring over at the prosecution bench with a slightly bewildered look on her face. No change there.

"Prosecutor, is there some medical reason you have that hawk in the courtroom?"

Blackquill smirked. "Taka is here to aid me in my quest to shred the obfuscations of the defence, Your Fierceness."

"Your Honour," the judge corrected sharply. She fixed him with a steely stare. "So there's no reason for it to be here other than you thought it was Bring Your Pet to Work Day." She turned to the bailiff. "Byrd, would you take Prosecutor Blackquill's hawk outside, please?"

Apollo felt a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Blackquill looked slightly rattled, putting a protective hand around Taka as the bailiff moved towards the prosecution bench.

"Your Fi-Honour," he amended quickly, "surely this discussion of my feathered companion is a waste of your valuable time? Taka is familiar with courtroom decorum, I assure you."

"Are you trying to play Simon Says with me?" the judge snapped, leaning forward on the bench. "This is not your playpen, Prosecutor. This is my playpen. Here we play Judge Judy Says. And Judge Judy Says the only bird allowed in my courtroom is Officer Petri-Hawkins Byrd." She indicated the bailiff.

Blackquill slammed his hand on the bench, looking paler than usual, as the bailiff approached. Taka looked even less happy, puffing up his feathers at the hulking stranger approaching them.

"…Unacceptable!"

"Listen," the bailiff rumbled quietly, "just gimme the bird, okay? Then we can get on with your case. C'mon, help me out here."

Blackquill hesitated, then reluctantly lifted Taka from his shoulder.

"Should any harm befall my feathered companion," he warned, "you shall feel the wrath of my blade."

"Byrd, I've changed my mind," the judge announced suddenly. "Prosecutor Blackquill can take his pet and leave."

Blackquill stared at her in shock. "Your Honour –"

"OUT!" the judge barked, pointing to the double doors at the back of the courtroom. "The defense may find you intimidating, Mr. Blackquill, I do not. Now take your hawk, your attitude, your big fresh mouth, and leave. And if you can't see where I'm pointing, get your hair out of your eyes."

Apollo folded his arms, unable to keep from snickering as Blackquill reluctantly stepped out from behind the prosecution bench and headed for the exit. It was nice to see the prosecution get a hard time from the judge for a change. He wondered idly what Blackquill's ejection from the courtroom meant for his client.

"Mr. Justice?"

Apollo looked up to see Judge Sheindlin gazing at him with a ferocious grin.

"You too," she said sweetly, pointing to the doors. "Out. This is not a comedy club." She stood up, tapping her papers into a neat pile. "This case will be recalled when you both learn how to conduct yourselves in court. They must not teach that at law school anymore."

There was no point in arguing. Apollo slouched out of the courtroom, his face burning with embarrassment as the bailiff instructed all parties to step out.

He had been pacing the Defendant Lobby for a few minutes, trying to collect himself, when Blackquill entered.

"What do you want?" Apollo grumbled.

"Our new judge is quite formidable," Blackquill remarked.

"You got that right," Apollo sighed. He flopped down on the couch and rubbed a hand over his face. "Athena warned me she was strict, and I still blew it."

"Hmph." Simon sat next to him. "We have only ourselves to blame, Justice-dono. We have grown too used to His Baldness and his tolerance for our…eccentricities." He smirked. "Very well, Taka will have to remain outside. I can tear your argument asunder without his help."

Apollo scowled at him. "Thanks for coming to tell me that. Really."

"Actually…" Blackquill shifted and glanced away. Apollo sat up a little straighter, intrigued by Blackquill's sudden awkwardness. "…I must ask you a favour."

Apollo gazed at him for a few moments, wondering what the favour could be. "Shoot."

Blackquill pushed his shaggy fringe away from his face, letting it fall back in his eyes. "Justice-dono…may I borrow your hair gel?"