Warning: Sarcasm, taunting, some crack, OOC Hinata (maybe? who knows what that girl is really thinking). Just a little flirting in this chapter, but there will be smut eventually, so please note this story is rated M. There will be sexual themes in this. Don't like don't read! THIS STORY WAS REPORTED, so explicit content has been removed to prevent it from being taken down. Full, unedited version is still available on AO3 (just type in AO3 dot com and search KizuKatana and all the unedited versions of all my stories will magically appear LOL).

Author's note: The first chapter of this fic is dedicated to Kiddo20, as she was the one who most encouraged me to write this from the other ideas I was kicking around. BriEva, ever my muse, helped me a lot with the structure of the chapter, and ideas around on what the columns should be about and who should write what. If you have never read The Onion (my favorite source of news), then the things Naruto and his crew write will seem a bit... extreme. But I assure you, even in the super up-tight, politically correct culture of the US right now, this type of humor still exists. Thank god. And Naruto's character has absolutely NOTHING to do with one of the writers at the Onion that I had a small (enormous) crush on when I was a wee lass. Scout's honor. ;-)

And before you ask, I have NO IDEA if this will be NaruSasu or SasuNaru or SasuNaruSasu. If that is the only thing that matters to you in a story, then you shouldn't read this fic, since sex will not be the main point here (though it will BE IN HERE, so if you don't like Boy x Boy then you also shouldn't read this).

-xXx-

The Daily Ramen, September 20

OUR DUMB WORLD - Tiresome things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

When a recent political poll in Japan revealed that voters are dissatisfied with the current tax rates in the light of excessive government spending, many politicians took note. Not one to ignore the needs of the public, our Prime Minister today took a courageous stand against 'unnecessary spending' by announcing a new policy that restricts the number of prostitutes public officials are allowed to expense each month to 'one go a week'. Senior level officials are still allowed unlimited 'servicing'. The House of Representatives and House of Councilors threatened to walk out if they were not declared 'senior level' under this new mandate. The classification is still pending. All progress on other issues ground to a halt until this matter is resolved.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this crap. Local news. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

Local artist claims to have X-ray vision as he insists I have no penis. Rumor has it he is trying to get in my pants to verify. When confronted directly with this rumor, said artist just smiled creepily and asked me to please remove my trousers. Judging by the number of nude male paintings hanging in his gallery, I am guessing that this approach tends to be fairly successful for him. He then applied to be a political cartoonist for The Daily Ramen. We are still waiting to see if he can draw anything other than pantless men, but his sketch of the Prime Minister receiving head from the House of Representatives really was quite convincing.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

Last night I found myself occupied out back of one of Konoha's more popular night clubs. A short way down the alley from me was another couple engaging in sexual intercourse, where the man was taking the girl from behind. Now normally, I would give this at least a 7 because of the brazen nature of the act, and I mean... who doesn't like to get fucked with their clothes on pinned up against a dirty alley wall? But the problem was with the man's technique. He was taking her from behind, but penetrating her vaginally. With absolutely no clitoral stimulation, and no chance of hitting this poor girl's G-spot. And the girl was clearly one where clitoral stimulation was required. Her robotic moans clearly translated into "could you just hurry the hell up and finish already so I can go back to the club and find someone who actually knows what they're doing?" In the end, I had to give this couple a 3. Good idea, but poor execution.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

In Tokyo this week, a successful attorney of one of the leading law firms was showing off his corner office on the top floor of his building to a bunch of interns from law school. Bragging about his view, he told them not to be afraid of the height because the windows were 'rock solid'. To prove his point, he hurled himself against the window... and plunged 32 stories to his death. And this dumb-ass had graduated top of his class from one of the leading law schools. WTF?

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - At least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

For all you 'year of the tiger' people, I hate to say it but you're going to be struck by a meteor. Why? Because you were born in the wrong year. The rest of us should be fine, but you Tiger folks should be sure that your wills are all in order. As usual, people born in the year of the rabbit are getting laid tonight. No news for the rest of you, sorry. Maybe next week.

SPORTS NEWS! - Sports are a celebration of endless youth! Join me in reveling in them! Weekly column by Rock Lee!

Our youthful Konoha Dragons led themselves to victory in the seventh inning by hitting a grand slam! It was very invigorating! But I don't understand why they refuse to wear the new green spandex uniforms I suggested! They would look even more invigorating! [sorry I have been told yet again that we have run out of space for my column this week. But next week! I will surely be given more space next week! And will share with you my enthusiastic love of sportsmanship at that time!]

Naruto pushed his cart through the narrow aisles of the local organic grocery store. He didn't shop here much because the prices were pretty high, but this weekend was his turn to host dinner for his friends and co-workers at The Dailey Ramen, the underground newspaper he had started with his best friend, Shikamaru. It had been six years since they had started writing tongue-in-cheek articles about local celebrities and current events in their dorm room freshman year. They had started out just printing copies for friends. Then leaving them some out on the coffee tables of the study area of their dorm. Word spread, and people asked for copies in other dorms and at campus restaurants. Then they were asked to post it online, which had been a relief because it was cheaper than printing it on paper which neither really had the extra money to keep doing. Eventually, circulation finally reached the point where local businesses were asking to buy space to advertise in their little underground paper, and people were willing to pay for copies and subscribe for e-mail alerts for 'important newsflashes'.

It didn't take Shikamaru long to figure out a business model, and now, six years later, they were making a pretty decent living basically just by being sarcastic and poking fun of people who needed it the most. It was the best fucking job ever. Naruto had never been able to keep from saying inappropriate things (just ask his friends and family). Now he was paid to do so. Much to his mother's dismay.

The paper was - in his humble opinion - a work of art. It balanced Naruto's over-the-top political incorrectness and general disdain of the rich and privileged with Shikamaru's dry, intellectual wit. As the paper had grown, they had hired a seemingly shy girl named Hinata who wrote a column that critiqued the various acts of PDA that she encountered around town. They also had brought on three of their college friends, Kiba, Lee, and Shino who had come up with ideas for their own columns. It wasn't any surprise that their friends had the same twisted sense of humor as Naruto and Shikamaru. Anyone with thinner skin pretty much would have been scared away. And while they'd never be rich, they were making enough that they all could live comfortably. And more importantly, have a shitload of fun going to 'work' every day.

It was brilliant.

Naruto still couldn't believe people were willing to pay for it, especially since - when growing up - Naruto had gotten the sense that people would pay for him to not talk. In fact, he could vividly remember his mother paying him ten bucks to keep his mouth closed a few times when his dad had to have people from work over for dinner. It had happened more than once.

But all that had changed now. The business just kept growing. People were asking them to make a compendium of their most successful stories to sell as a book. And then there was the merchandise. Just for fun, Hinata had made some T-shirts for a small charity fundraiser they had attended and they had sold out in less than five minutes. So they had added a section on their website called "Daily Ramen: Crap you can buy" where people could purchase mugs, T-shirts, and bags sporting the paper's motto:

"Fuck off - I'm reading the Daily Ramen".

Naruto was wearing his bright orange version of one of their T-Shirts as he shopped. Since the store was just across the street from his apartment building, he knew most of the people here, and as was his habit he stopped and joked with several.

"Chouji! What do you recommend for meat this week?"

The co-owner of the gourmet store looked up from behind the counter where he was arranging the packages of sushi and meat he had just finished preparing. "Wouldn't you like to know," he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I thought you were abstaining from sex these days."

Naruto rolled his eyes. He'd known Chouji since they were kids, and Naruto had never made a secret about his sexuality. Like everything else, he just joked about the fact that he couldn't make up his mind about what major to pick in college, so it shouldn't surprise people that he couldn't decide what gender he liked, either. Though he usually leaned pretty hard towards men.

But that had become irrelevant after his last break-up. It was the first time Naruto had actually been in love. Still probably was. But when the relationship had headed south, Naruto had called it quits. His ex had moved back Suna, and while it definitely helped that he didn't 'run into him' anymore, Naruto knew he wasn't ready to start anything along those lines yet. And if he were honest, there really hadn't been anyone he was even tempted by, male or female. It had been over a year, and his friends were starting to be concerned.

Naruto wasn't, though. He felt no pressing need to jump back into another relationship. The staff of "The Daily Ramen" was his family, and writing a weekly newspaper was a lot of work, even though it was fun. He laughed every day, and had great friends who knew and understood him. What more could he want? Not everyone needed to be in a relationship to be happy. And Naruto was happy. Much happier than when he'd been dating -

"Are you done?" a rather rude voice came from behind him.

"Excuse me?" Naruto asked, snapping himself out of his thoughts and turning to face the annoyed-looking stranger. Naruto's eyes widened fractionally at the sheer physical perfection of the man standing behind him. The guy had soft black hair, cut in a carefully haphazard style that framed his face and spiked out in back. A little like a duck's ass, Naruto thought automatically. But the man's face was... a work of art.

"I said are you done? You're blocking the counter. Some of us have better things to do than listen to strangers discuss their sex lives."

Work of art or not, the guy was an ass. Was the hair supposed to be foreshadowing of the guy's personality? 'Warning: I'm an ass. Even my hair thinks so." Naruto held back a snicker. The dark-eyed man was clearly aware of his own attractiveness... Naruto could feel the arrogance and sense of self-importance oozing off the stranger. Naruto narrowed his eyes and grinned. He loved guys like this. They were so much fun to make fun of.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. But you know, I think you are at the wrong counter," Naruto said, smirking at the man's annoyed expression.

"Wrong counter?"

"Yeah. The one that sell giant sticks to shove up your ass is at the other end of the store. Though I'm not sure they'd have your size. Not many can manage ones that large."

The man's eyes widened at the crudeness of the insult. Naruto could hear Chouji trying to hold back his laughter. Ignoring the now fuming man standing behind him, Naruto turned back to his friend.

"So, as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, what do you recommend today?"

. . .

After picking out the meat that he was going to grill for his friends that evening (making sure to spend a bit extra time visiting with Chouji to further annoy the man waiting not-so-patiently behind him), Naruto picked up some plain yoghurt for the cucumber sauce he was going to make. He wondered if he still had enough cumin, so he grabbed some of that as well. With Kiba bringing the drinks and Hinata bringing dessert this week, all that was left for Naruto to get as host were some vegetables for salad. He would not be one of the people eating them, of course, but he would play the gracious host and cater to his friends more healthful tastes.

As Naruto entered the produce section, he was slightly annoyed to see the stranger there again. The man was running his long, strong-looking fingers almost sensually over the tomatoes, testing their smoothness and firmness before selecting surely more than a grown man could possibly eat in a week and placing them into his basket.

Naruto couldn't resist poking at the guy just a little bit more. There was just something about him that set Naruto's teeth on edge.

"You're lucky that those tomatoes can't file sexual harassment charges against you. The way you were feeling them up must mean you haven't gotten laid in a while. Somehow, with your personality, that doesn't surprise me. I heard there's an alley off Main St. where the call girls hang out. Maybe it's time to pay for some service instead of assaulting innocent produce."

Sasuke looked at the cucumber Naruto was currently holding in his hand. "I see you were able to pick up a date for the evening," he said, his voice mocking.

Naruto actually laughed, and rubbed his hand along the shaft of the vegetable suggestively before tossing it carelessly into his cart. "Nah. Actually I have an entire apartment full of people I am spending the evening with. Unlike a bastard like you, I'm able to actually make friends."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "I could have my apartment full of people if I wanted. I just prefer not to be surrounded by annoying idiots."

"I said friends, not groupies. I have no doubt that you could get groupies. Having friends requires having an actual personality, not just a pretty face."

With that, Naruto grabbed a second cucumber and added it to his cart, then - grabbing a package of arugula - turned and walked over to the check-out counter.

Sasuke stood there for a moment, fuming. Who the fuck does that guy think he is?

It didn't escape him, though, that the guy had basically said he thought Sasuke was hot. Sasuke jerked his eyes up from where he was absolutely not checking out the annoying blond's ass.

It was his turn to cook dinner tonight. He would be sure not to mention the embarrassing grocery store encounter to his brother. God knows that the last thing Itachi needed was more ammunition against him.

-xXx-

As usual, Hinata had shown up early to help Naruto clean and set up. She always teased him that - since he was basically gay - he was never going to have a wife to do it for him, so as one of his best and only female friends, it was her duty to help with his shortcomings. Namely, the hygiene of his home.

Naruto went out onto his balcony and started up the grill. Though the apartment was fairly cramped, the balcony was spacious, allowing a grill and enough chairs to seat his friends outside. It was the main reason he had chosen the apartment in the first place. Plus the fact that it was walking distance to their small office.

"So..." Hinata began casually. Naruto almost winced. He knew where she was going whenever she took that tone. "Meet anyone interesting recently?"

Naruto knew that his friends worried about the fact that he hadn't even tried dating in well over a year. He was a naturally affectionate and out-going person, and to them it just felt unhealthy that he had chosen to remain 'alone'. But in his mind, he wasn't alone. He had great friends. It was enough. "Well, I met this total asshole down at the grocery store today. If I see him again, I might try to find out his name so I can pay homage to his awesome personality in my column sometime."

Hinata rolled her eyes. "I don't mean did you find yet another person to try to knock down a peg. I meant someone you might be interested in actually dating."

"Hinata... you've already tried to set me up with every single friend you have, male or female. You've done your part. I'm just not interested right now. And besides, you're one to talk, missy. I don't see you in a committed relationship yet. When are you going to finally give Kiba a break and go out with him?"

Hinata blushed, but looked at Naruto slyly. "When he mans up and earns it. In the meantime, I'm having too much fun hanging out with you and the guys."

The doorbell rang, cutting off their conversation. "It's open!" Naruto shouted.

Kiba and Shino came in, loaded down with booze. "Seriously?" Naruto asked, eyeing the large volume of alcohol. "Are we celebrating something other than another successful edition of the paper this week?"

Kiba shrugged. "It's been a while since we all cut loose. Besides, Lee had some triathlon or something he was training for today, so we don't have to worry about him going insane and trashing your place. Plus, if we go to a club, you and Hinata will do your dirty dancing thing again, which I don't need to see. I figured we could hang out and heckle the local news and get smashed."

Naruto and Hinata looked at each other, then shrugged. Seemed like a good time to them, too. They could always do their dirty dancing routine another day.

"Fine, but I'm not going to drink much until after I finish grilling."

Kiba laughed out loud at that. "Yeah. I remember the last time you tried drunk grilling. You caught your apron on fire, and couldn't figure out how to get it off. Luckily Hinata had kept her head and ripped it off before you got seriously burned."

Hinata smiled. "Lucky for Naruto I have experience ripping his clothes off."

Kiba looked uncertain, clearly not sure whether she was joking or not. Hinata smacked him on the back of the head. "Idiot. Naruto's basically gay, remember? It's been almost five years since he's dated a girl. And I'm definitely a girl."

Kiba tried and failed to keep his eyes from sliding down to her very well-endowed 'girlness' parts. But he snapped them up fast enough to see her raised eyebrow, amusement showing in her eyes. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something, but - as usual - he simply blushed and turned away, pretending to be busy arranging the alcohol. Hinata suppressed a sigh.

"But if I ever do go back to girls, Hina, I will totally date one like you. Pretty, funny, smart and perfect," Naruto said from the balcony, trying not to use too much lighter fluid and set the grill on fire. It had happened before.

Hinata blushed slightly at the compliment, wishing Kiba could be as direct. To her, Naruto was like the brother she never had. Unlike her asshole cousin, whom she wished she wasn't related to, Naruto supported her and looked out for her. Lots of people assumed they had dated, but they'd never liked each other that way. They'd clicked as friends, and that had been just that from the first time they'd met. She loved Naruto, and he loved her. But it wasn't sexual, and never would be. Sometimes she wished that they felt differently, but you couldn't help who you loved. Both she and Naruto had definitely fallen for the wrong people. She sent an annoyed glance at the man with the shaggy brown hair in front of her, and it took all her will-power to resist kicking him in the shin.

Shino opened a bottle of sake and poured four glasses. "You'd better hurry up and get grilling if you don't want to be the only sober person in the group," he said stoically.

"Nah. Shika will still be sober, too. He's always late."

"Not today," Shino said, his lips quirked up beneath the collar of his jacket. "Why? Because he'll be here on time this time."

Kiba laughed as he downed his drink. "Yeah, right. I could count on one hand the number of times Shika is ever on time with anything, including his own column. And he's the one who sets the damn deadlines!"

Just then, there was a lazy knock on the door. Not bothering to wait for a response after years of being welcome, Shikamaru walked in. "Hey," he said in general greeting to the group.

"Jesus, Shino. How do you do that shit?" Naruto asked. While mostly Shino's 'predictions' in the paper were just insane, he did have sort of an uncanny ability to predict minor, random miracles upon occasion. Like Shikamaru showing up on time.

Shino simply smiled, then went and lounged back on one of the sofas in Naruto's cramped (but now tidy, thanks to Hinata) living room. He flicked on the TV and turned it to the local news station. The staff of the Daily Ramen were active enough in the community that they generally didn't need to use 'second hand' news. But they often found inspiration - and sometimes just sadistic enjoyment - by making fun of the boring, conservative stuff that made some of the news channels.

"You guys see anything 'newsworthy' today?" Naruto asked. Of course, they all knew that by 'newsworthy' he meant 'good to make fun of'. It was their job, after all, and they took their humor seriously.

"I saw a really annoying couple wearing matching sweaters sharing an ice cream," Hinata shuddered. "It was like I was thrown back to the 1950's. You should have seen the vacuous expressions on their faces."

Kiba snickered. Most people thought that Hinata was a quiet, sweet girl, because she didn't talk much in front of strangers. But when she opened her mouth and let you know what was actually going on inside that head of hers... she was freaking amazing. Kiba had been in love with her since the moment she started finally talking around him. But - despite Naruto's constant prodding to the contrary - Kiba just felt intimidated by her. She was too perfect. Funny, pretty, interesting, sweet-but-not-boring. She also came from a seriously loaded family. They had basically disowned her, but he still felt unworthy.

So he settled on friendship. It was better than being shot down the way all the other guys who asked her out were. He didn't think he could handle that.

"I heard that some college kids trying to sneak into a rock concert without paying and climbed over a chain fence behind the stadium," Kiba said, trying to distract himself. "One of them fell and literally got a stick impaled up his ass. Had to go to the hospital to have it removed."

Naruto snickered. "I think I met that guy in the grocery store today. Looked like the surgery was not successful, because the stick was definitely still firmly lodged up his ass."

Everyone chuckled, except Shino, who looked at Naruto thoughtfully. "So you were looking at his ass?"

Naruto's mouth gaped open for a moment. And to everyone's amazement, he blushed. "N-No! The guy was a fucking asshole! And I was not looking at his ass!"

"So who is this hot asshole?" Shikamaru asked, his eyes looking slightly sleepy. It didn't fool anyone in the room who knew him better. The guy's mind was razor sharp, however bored he might appear.

"He's not hot. He's just an asshole. And I have no idea who he is. I did not want to get his name and number and hang out or anything," Naruto said defensively.

"Hm," Shikamaru said, glancing over at Shino speculatively. Naruto almost groaned.
His friends were so desperate to get Naruto dating again that they pounced on the smallest hints that he found someone interesting. Even when those hints were completely incorrect.

"ANYWAY," Naruto said in an unnecessarily loud voice. "Did anyone else hear something good we could use in next week's paper?"

Shikamaru shifted and spoke, "There's some big company that just moved its headquarters to Konoha. 'Uchiha Financial Holdings'. Supposedly run by two brothers who just took over from their father after he had a heart attack. Evidently it's a lot of high end jobs coming here. And a lot of money."

"Hmm," Naruto said noncommittally. There wasn't much funny about bringing jobs or taking over from a parent who had a heart attack.

"Most of the swirl has been around the fact that the brothers are fairly young and supposedly attractive. Or at least rich, which equals attractive in most people's eyes. All the local socialites are practically frothing at the mouth to try to get a date with them."

Now that was something Naruto could work with. "Ok. Then let's give these brothers a real Konoha welcome in the next edition. I'll look around and see what I can find out about them. Do you know if their dad died? If he did, I might hold off. It's no fun to poke at people when they're already down."

"No. He didn't die. Just had to retire for health reasons, then turned the business over to his sons. They're young, hot, and rich. Poke away," Shikamaru said, already sounding bored.

They continued to chat back and forth about annoying people they'd seen, funny mistakes that famous people had made. Naruto managed to finish grilling the food without burning it, a testament to the number of times they'd eaten at his place.

Their attention drifted to the news, where there was a discussion about an Italian porn star running for parliament. And apparently winning. "Looks like I've found my lead for next week, too," Shikamaru said while Kiba lamented the fact that there were not hot porn stars in Japan's government, and clearly he was living in the wrong country.

-xXx-

to be continued...

What do you think? Next chapter will show what Sasuke and Itachi are up to. And someone will show them the latest issue of the Daily Ramen, where they will be featured courtesy of Naruto.

Have ideas for 'The Daily Ramen'? Send them to me for any of our writers to take on (within the themes of their columns). I will give credit for all ideas used! Gweatherwax gave the great suggestion for having Sai apply to be a political cartoonist for the paper, which I definitely will use! Annoying neighbors or co-workers? Nominate them for Kiba's dumbass of the day award (does not need to involved actually dying, just being a dumbass). Seen any really gross or overly sappy PDA recently? Tell Hinata about it and she will make fun of it appropriately.

This story will be updated regularly, but not weekly since I am also writing Deception right now. But the plot is finally mapped out, so it will be finished, like all my other fics. Just more slowly.