"At what time did you find out about this party?"

"I was the one that approved the request of Cadets Braun and Yeager, Sir. At the time, I had no quarrels with it as long as they cleaned up after themselves. I take full responsibility for the events that ensued."

"At ease, Levi. I don't think anyone could have expected this… 'Clusterfuck,' as you put it. We all know even I can't play the better man after this situation."

Reiner and Bertolt grunted, re-arranging the last table in the mess hall, where the Lance Corporal had ordered the party be restricted to. While most of the tables had been pushed to the sides of the rooms to serve as food stations or mingling areas, the center of the room held several tables for the main attractions.

"Reiner, are you sure this is a good idea?" Bertolt asked his old friend nervously, "I mean, we're supposed to act seriously, and I don't think a welcome party gives that message."

"Relax, Bertl." Reiner chided, "We got the permission from Levi. Given how- A little more to the right- the guy with a perpetual stick up his ass let us do this, I'd say we're in the clear." With one last adjustment, Reiner released his end of the table, cleaning his hands. "Now, let's start making The Punch."

Sighing, Bertolt followed Reiner to the storeroom to look for the ingredients as Eren and Jean carried in a gramophone, the latter of whom was still trying to understand the situation.

"So, let me get this straight: you and Reiner decided everyone was too tense after the whole trost incident, and a party was the first thing you came up with." Jean muttered, setting the gramophone on one of the tables in the corner.

"Jean, we've spent the past three years going through hell and back." Eren replied, "Don't you think we deserve a night of freedom?"

Jean clicked his tongue, "Oh no, it's a good idea." He admitted, "But what do you expect everyone to do? Sit around drinking tea and talking?"

Eren's smirk turned devious, "Didn't you see the kegs and bottles that Reiner and I brought in from the supply run?"

Jeans jaw dropped, "No…" He responded incredulously, "You didn't…"

"Not just vine, too." Eren continued, "We got whiskey, vodka, rum, everything."

Jean stared blankly at the suicidal maniac, before cracking a wide grin. "This is going to be perfect…"

"Now, about the alcohol…"

"It was a lack of foresight that I allowed them to buy any, let alone spend all of their earnings from the Trost mission."

Reiner set out the gigantic bowl of punch on the centermost table, using a ladle to take a small sample of his handiwork, the concoction giving a satisfying mix of fruit with the familiar burn of alcohol. "This is truly the work of a god…"

Annie rolled her eyes, moving some of the cups over to the punch table, "Don't flatter yourself."

Reiner chuckled, patting the cold blonde on the head, "You really should stick around for this, Annie. It'll be good for you to come out of your shell."

Before Annie could offer a retort, Reiner picked up the mugs she had set up by the punch bowl, "No, only use the glass ones. The Punch eats through these."

Annie's eye twitched as she peered into the liquid, "What's even in this, anyways?"

Reiner stopped walking towards the other tables, before giving a sidelong glance in Annie's direction.

"Victory."

"Hit me." Connie said, tapping his cards. Taking a look at his new hand, he let his head slump against the table. "Over…" He muttered, lifting up an empty shot glass.

Sasha flipped over the cards curiously as Reiner filled Connie's glass. Smirking, she turned to Connie, "You went over two cards ago."

"Ain't nobody talking to you!" Connie grumbled angrily, downing the shot.

Ymir shook her head, "We're only three rounds into the game. You can't be that much of a lightweight to be miscounting cards already…"

"Easy now," Reiner said, "We're just here to have a good time." A smirk crossed his face, "But next person to go over has to take a full glass of The Punch."

Sasha lifted up her cards, peering at the bottom one. "Stay." She told Reiner, before eyes turned to Ymir.

After a moment, Ymir tapped her cards, silently calling Reiner to throw another card down: A King.

"I hate you." Ymir muttered to Sasha, making her way over to the punch table.

Reiner chuckled, dropping a card on his own deck, landing an even 21. "House always wins." He told the group, collecting the chips they set out. As he began collecting the cards, Ymir came back to the table, a sizeable glass stein of Reiner's mystery mix.

"Cheers." She deadpanned, tilting her head back and beginning to down the drink as the others chanted for her to chug. After a few moments, Ymir slammed the empty glass back down on the table, wiping her mouth with the sleeve of her jacket.

"Alright," She began, slowly beginning to lose her inhibitions. "Let's get this shit going."

"And you thought nothing of the drinks at the time?"

"Admittedly, that should have been the first red flag."

"Indeed, but I take it you were preoccupied at the time."

"GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!" Siss, Mike and Ness chanted, forming a semicircle around Levi, watching in awe as the short man drained a large bottle of vine.

With the task done, Levi smashed the glass against the ground, cheeks tinted a bright red as he flung his arms into the air in a victorious boast. "WHO'S KILLER'S STRONGEST HUMANITY TITAN?!" He slurred, stumbling over to the pastry table.

"… You're joking."

"Then the cadets got some dice, a vine bottle and started a game of 'Spin the bottle.'"

"Alright, Annie!" Reiner boomed, the bottle slowly stopping at the tiny blonde, whose eyes widened as all attention in the circle turned to her. Hesitantly, she rolled the dice, landing two ones.

"Snake eyes… Snake eyes…" Sasha muttered, looking over the list they wrote out before the game, her eyes lighting up at the action. "Ha! Annie's gotta do a body shot!"

The thought struck a primal cord of horror in Annie's heart, causing her to freeze up. Seeing Annie wouldn't move any time soon, Sasha spun the bottle for her. Annie watched the bottle start slowing down its speed, until at last it came to a halt. Slowly lifting her gaze up to face the person she'd be doing the shot off of, her face grew a harsh red hue as she made eye contact with an equally embarrassed Eren.

"Alright, I'll get the stuff." Reiner said, patting Eren on the back as he made his way over to the drinks table. Before the two could try to squirm their way out of the task, Reiner returned to the group, shoving the lime wedge in Eren's mouth. "Come on, Eren. It's all in good fun." Reiner cooed, lifting up his squirming comrade's shirt.

Seeing no way out of this, Annie made her way over to Eren as Reiner drew a ring of salt across the petrified shifter's bellybutton. With a shot glass in her hand, Annie exhaled, drawing her head down to Eren's stomach.

"And this caused Mikasa and Annie to fight?"

"No. However, Annie wound up 'missing' the lime wedge, and the two wound up sitting out for the rest of the game in a drunken, aggressive make-out session."

"I see… Now then, about some of these stories the soldiers gave about your interactions with them."

"Ya know wh-*hic*-hy they made me captain?" Levi slurred, staring down a very scared Sasha. "I once took down a dozen titans BUTT-NAKED with a straight razor and a catapult! They don't teach you how ta does that in basic training, now do they?!"

"No sir!" Sasha whimpered, unsure of whether to run or stay put as her superior officer began detailing how he controlled the trajectory of his flight after being launched, and thus invented a new rotor system allowing the creation of vertical lift.

"I AM THE KING!" Levi shouted, riding on Hange's back with a mug of lager in hand, "THEY JUS' DON'T KNOW IT!"

"Ya know what, Jean?" Levi began, "You an' I. We sho-*hic*- we should jus' go an… Start a business…"

Reiner gave the inebriated captain an incredulous look for a moment, before giving his own drunken grin, "Hey, thasa GREAT idea!"

"I KNOW, right?" Levi shouted, "But don't tell Levi, okay? That guy's an ASSHOLE!"

"Hey Erwin," Levi called, "Your eyebrows look like the Wings of FRISBEE!"

"Physical evidence shows that the situation began degrading rapidly with the start of a 'Beer Pong' tournament."

"With respect, Sir, 'Degrading rapidly' is an understatement."

"Ya can't even STOP me, Jean!" Eren shouted, throwing the small ball across the table, missing the group of cups by at least a foot. Seeing the ball fly across the room and hit the wall, Eren gave an angry look in his opponent's direction, "I meant to do that!"

"Oh yeah? Lemme wipe that smile offa your face, Yeager-Bombastic." Jean retorted, throwing a ball, landing it into Eren's remaining cup, before striking a victorious pose, "BOOM!"

"At least I'm notta horse face!" Eren shouted, downing the last cup of Reiner's punch.

With that remark, Jean stumbled over to the drunken shifter, before grabbing onto him, "Whaddidya call me?"

Eren stared up Jean furiously, "I have no idea!" He yelled.

Unsure himself of what Eren had said, Jean grabbed the boy, flinging him over his shoulder and crashing him into the table. The last thing anybody could see before the flash of light was Jean give a stupidly triumphant grin, blissfully unaware of what was happening.

"How long was Cadet Yeager in his titan form?"

"Long enough for us to make an informed discovery on the effects of alcohol on titans."

"Which is?"

"Do NOT give titans alcohol."

A loud roar echoed through the crumbling mess hall, as Eren's titan form slowly stood up, breaking through the ceiling and opening the room to the night sky.

"Hey, erryone!" Hange slurred, "Eren turned the darkness off!"

Giving another roar, the rogue titan stumbled its way to the wall, crashing through it before landing on its stomach and slowly crawling away.

"Hey, waitta minute!" Annie called after the titan, "I still din't get my lime wedge!"

Before the blonde could start running after the titan that was slowly making its way towards the river, Mikasa stepped in the way.

"Gettaway from slut, you EREN." She muttered angrily.

"Or what?" Annie responded, raising her fists into a fighting stance.

"Yer too drunk to fight!" Mikasa shouted, getting into her own defensive stance.

"Nah, I can still kick you AND your twin's asses." Annie told the oriental girl proudly, before sweeping a foot her way, the momentum causing her to tumble over.

Mikasa's eyes widened in horror, "Damn, you're good." She admitted, stepping away defensively.

Grunting an affirmative, Annie lifted herself up to a nearby table, grabbing something from the table before stumbling after Eren, "DON' WORRY, EREN!" She shouted, "I CAN JUS' CUT YA OUT!"

"Eld, who somehow managed to remember a majority of the events throughout the night, claims that after ten minutes of stumbling around and punching thin air, Cadet Yeager's titan ripped off his own arm, using it as a makeshift club and proceeding to bash the ground with it until it atrophied beyond usability, at which point the titan slumped over, seemingly unconscious. Cadet Leonhardt then climbed onto its back and proceeded to try and cut Eren out of his titan form with a butter knife before he ejected out of the carcass. The two remained missing until they were found in the kitchen the morning after, with the former laying against the door to the meat locker wearing a female soldier's pants around his ankles, missing a single digit on his right hand for reasons unknown and explanation undesired, and several lime skins shoved into his mouth. Ms. Leonhardt was found sitting in the sink, somehow wearing a Military Police uniform with a tattoo across her belly reading "Titan Warrior", with all evidence at the scene pointing towards her making the tattoo herself. At the moment, neither one has any memory of the events that occurred; however, Ms. Leonhardt expressed slight discomfort in her abdomen when sitting down."

"… We're not done here."

"Somehow, this wasn't even the climax of the night."

"Krishhhh… TAH!" Ymir drew out the name, before giggling stupidly, "You look so funny when you're confused, Krista!"

Armin gave a mildly disturbed look as Ymir started pinching his cheeks, "Um, Ymir? It's me… Armin…"

"Armin?" Ymir blinked, before dragging the frightened teetotaler, "Ah wanna see if you'll fit inta Krishtah's dresses…"

"HANGE!" Moblit shrieked, shambling towards the blitzed squad leader, who had a bottle of whiskey in her hand, "THAT'TH MY BOTTLE!"

Hange hiccupped, staring back and forth between the bottle and her assistant, before downing the rest of it. "Ah dun't even have a bottle…" She denied, throwing the bottle to a passed out Siss.

Moblit choked back a sob as the bottle shattered beside the other Squad Leader, "Tha'was mah lasht whiskey…" He despaired, before gazing back at Hange with hatred in his eyes. Tearing off his shirt, he charged at Hange, "PREPARE TO BE MOBLITERATED!" He shouted, before leaping into action.

"Are ya sure about this, Mikatha?" Petra slurred, dipping a needle into a bottle of vine.

"Yer damn right I am!" She shouted, almost falling over, "Ah make my best choices when I'm drunk. Jus' pierce one-a them, though."

"Okie-dokie, then!" The elite soldier replied, leaning in and steadying the needle above the entry point.

"Huh?" Levi mumbled, slowly pulling himself up from his bed, looking around the room. "Somebody stop the room please, I'd like ta get off…"

Stumbling around, he thought for a moment, "Waitasec… This ain't the Ackerman-cave…" Before he could contemplate further, he felt a strong buildup in his stomach. Looking around, Levi set his sight on the bed he woke up in, rushing over and resting his arms on it for a moment to stop his head from spinning.

"Oh thank god…" He sighed, "Fer a secon' Ah thought ah was gunna-" The rest of his sentence was cut off as he violently spewed his guts out across the covers.

"Aw shit…" He muttered, "Now I've gotta clean this shit up…" Bundling up the bed sheets, the Lance Corporal shuffled to the door, before he noticed a flickering light out in the hallway. With a grin on his face, Levi dropped the puke covered sheets, making his way over to the torch.

"This'll do…" He said, smirking at his ingenuity.

"If the building weren't made of stone brick, you likely would've killed us all. Even then, we've been burning incense around the third floor quarters to alleviate some of the smell of burnt vomit."

"What happened to you during this?"

"…"

"Alright! E.S. is goin' for the record!" Ness shouted from the top of the stairs, pushing a mattress to the edge of the stairway with an unsteady commander holding onto the front with one hand, while the other hand held a mug of lager.

Erwin gave a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment while raising the cup to his mouth, "MOVE OUT!" He yelled, beginning his descent down the long stairway as he slammed the drink, expertly preventing any of the amber fluid from spilling out.

As he reached the bottom and slid to a halt, Erwin stumbled off the makeshift sled, holding the mug upside down, "WHO'S YOUR COMMANDER?!" He yelled, before collapsing back onto the mattress.

"Joining in was definitely not my brightest moment…"

"Now, who was to blame for the tattoos?"

Sasha winced in pain, "Can ya ease up a bit?" She whimpered, only to be greeted by a smack to the back of the head.

"Shaddup." Mikasa responded, "Ah'm almost done."

After a few more minutes of piercing, Mikasa leaned back, "There." She said, holding up a mirror behind Sasha.

"Most soldiers with any memories of the process have confirmed that Cadet Ackerman was the main soldier who gave the tattoos. However, she denies having any memories of doing so, and seems wholly unaware of how to perform the task despite executing it perfectly with medical needles and several dozen bottles of ink."

"How many tattoos were given?"

"At the moment, we have had Sasha Blouse, Jean Kirstein, Olou Bozado, Dita Ness, Hange Zoe, Mike Zacharius and Gunther Schultz come forward, and it is believed that Krista Lenz received one, however after the events of the previous night, she has been yet to found and restrained."

"Krista Lenz… Isn't that the goody two-shoe who was trying to start a vegetable garden in the castle courtyard?"

"SAY UNCLE!" Krista shrieked into Bertolt's ear, pinning the lanky man to the ground in a headlock.

"OH GOD, KRISTA, PLEASE!" Bertolt begged, "REINER, HELP ME!" Feeling the tiny girl's grip tighten around his throat, he squeaked out a quick "uncle" before she tried decapitating him.

"Yer goddamn right!" Krista said, releasing a whimpering Bertolt before slowly marching towards Reiner, "Imma make you my bottom bitch…"

"Cadet Braun was later found naked and unconscious, hogtied in the shower room with Cadet Lenz'... Wow… Cadet Hoover was forced to bear witness to the series of events, which include... Sweet Jesus no… *ahem* At present, Cadet Lenz has yet to be found and, presuming she is still inebriated, is to be approached with the same level of caution as the Colossal Titan armed with an Armored-Titan launching trebuchet, and depending on her mental state upon reaching sobriety, may be required to receive psychiatric help on a biweekly basis."

"It can't be that ba-Oh my god… With a watermelon?"

"Miraculously, he'll be able to recover, and seems to have no memory of the incident despite receiving a fractured scapula and pelvis. Moving on, Cadet Springer was found outside the castle grounds in a large crater surrounded by at least 10 meters of scorched earth. The few soldiers that were sober enough to retain some semblance of consciousness at that point in the night report that there was two deafening explosions coming from the launching and detonation of a firework of biblical proportions."

"How in the hell does somebody manage that during a drunken party?"

"Apparently the storeroom was raided sometime earlier in the evening. Background info at the moment isn't clear, but what we've gathered suggests Mr. Springer has more than a passing interest in pyrotechnic displays. While we cannot reprimand him for his actions due to a lack of restrictions for his actions, it would be wise to keep him away from the cannon supplies for the foreseeable future."

"I think I know the next course of action…"

"Indeed. Given the events of the previous night, I think it would be best that we place restrictions on alcohol within the Scouting Legion. By which I mean an absolute ban on all alcoholic beverages within a 60 meter radius of this base until such time that we can safely celebrate without causing an even bigger pandemonium than the fall of Wall Maria."

"How bad is moral?"

"Despite the high amount of collateral damage, crippling hangovers and injured personnel, moral has strangely enough never been higher."

"How many injuries?"

"A majority of soldiers currently assigned to this base, myself included, have reported severe hangovers. We have at present six soldiers with broken bones, eleven of soldiers with various cuts and bruises, three fatalities, four soldiers MIA, one previously balding soldier who mysteriously regrew his lost hair, seven soldiers with body piercings that they didn't have prior to the evening, one soldier who was previously reported as KIA during the previous expedition waking up on top of a pile of newspapers with no recollection of the past month, and the complete destruction of the roof and northern wall in the mess hall."

"…"

"In addition, for reasons I cannot explain or comprehend, a majority of the soldiers have woken up wearing clothes or uniforms of another soldier. Given the nature of these incidents, I believe it would be best to set up an anonymous drop box for those who have woken up with their comrades' belongings. Furthermore, I believe that we will need to have all able-bodied soldiers report for cleanup duty as soon as physical and mental injuries have been treated."

"Is there anything else, Sir?"

"One last thing: I will need you to spread the word to the rest of the Scouts. I'm going to go throw up..."

To Whom it may concern,

After the events of this past weekend, it is with great displeasure that I announce that Commander Smith has decided that all alcoholic beverages will hereby be banned from the premises. Despite my own misgivings, I fully support this decision considering the impromptu celebration for the incoming recruits turned into a drunken fiasco of which we are still recovering from. If, like many, you have awoken to find yourself wearing the clothes/uniform of someone else, a receptacle has been placed outside the mess hall as a makeshift Lost and Found (No questions will be asked, I'm not here to judge people.) Speaking of the mess hall, everyone is to report at dawn tomorrow for badly needed repairs from damage that occurred during the impromptu beer pong tournament that ended with Cadet Kirschtein suplexing Cadet Jaeger through a table and resulted in an in-door transformation (If you've ever wondered what the effect of alcohol are like on a titan, you now have your answer.)

A nurse will be on staff for the next 24 hours to aid in the managing of severe hang-overs, injuries, and basic care and maintenance of any piercings or tattoos that may have occurred while drunk. I would also like to announce that anything and everything I may have said while inebriated is to be ignored entirely; to my knowledge, I am not in fact the illegitimate heir to the throne, nor have I ever slayed a dozen titans naked with only the aid of a catapult system and a straight razor.

Also, to whomever's bed I woke up in, I apologize for immediately puking and then setting fire to your bed sheets in a drunken attempt to clean them.

That was a hell of a night.

Sincerely, Lance Corporal Levi