HOVA

Everything

I slept and woke in uneven increments. Once, upon my waking, I found that I had been moved to the abandoned clinic. Antonio was there, staring blankly at the second oxygen tank. I startled him out of his day dream by saying, "How much is left?" By the look on his face, I could tell that it wasn't very much. "Enough to get back home?"

"Yeah." He replied, unsure of his own answer.

"How long will that tank last me?"

His sympathetic smile grew sadder. "This one's empty, you've been on that tank for about forty minutes now."

"How close are we?"

"About four or five hours. Almost there." His voice was shaking more and I could tell that if I pressed him anymore, his charade of courage would fall. Both of us were aware that the oxygen tank would not last those four or five hours, neither of us said anything about it.

"Antonio…" I said, realizing how thin my voice had become. I still couldn't get enough air but I tried to ignore that. "I've been thinking about… what would happen if I got any sicker…" I was very careful not to use words that related to strongly to death.

"Rest, boy." He urged. "You should sleep more. Conserve your energy."

I ignored him. "If something bad were to happen and I maybe couldn't make it all the way home…"

"Don't talk about that, it won't happen."

"Of course not, I wouldn't let that happen, not to you, Toni." I assured him. "I won't leave you."

He came to lie beside me, wincing at the frigidness of my flesh and the bulging blue vein that ran up and down my arms as they weakly closed around him. He held me very tight and rubbed his palms against my prickled flesh. "Sure is cold in here, huh?" He said, pushing hair away from my pale face.

I gave a little nod and closed my heavy eyes. Antonio praised me, patting my head slowly and telling me to go to sleep. "Antonio…" I interrupted.

"Yeah?"

"Should that bad thing happen…"

"It won't."

"Of course it won't. I'm speaking metaphorically. If that bad thing were to happen…"

"Yeah?"

"Then, I would want you to remember that this trip was the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"I know, I know." I could hear the sobs rising in his throat.

"But, meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. The minutes I spent with you have become the best minutes of my life. I don't regret boarding this ship, nor would I be far too upset about dying on it. As long as it was here with you, it would be fine."

"You're not going to die." He countered, his voice choked with tears.

"I don't think I'm in a position to be making promises like that to you right now. All I can promise is that I will not part from you. Should that bad thing happen… I'll wait. I'll become a patient person for you. And when it is time, I'll do my best to become a very bright, warm star."

"Boys like you don't die." He answered. "Death is for the old and the wicked. You're still so young and kind, death would want nothing to do with you. Should you make your way to that waiting place, rather than asking to be a star, please just ask to be alive again. I promise, I will be a very good husband to you. I'll do all that you wish of me."

"It's not about that-"

But he cut me off, his burning hot arms becoming tighter. "I promise, if you came back and lived with me, you will be warm and happy . I'll always make you the food you want to eat and take you to nice places. I don't care if you need an oxygen tanks or IVs, I don't care, I'll take care of you, I promise! So don't leave… I'll do everything right… don't leave me." He was crying.

"Toni…" I whispered into his hair. "Toni… I know…"

I soon fell unconscious to the sound of his sobs and the sensation of scorching tears wetting my chest.

The next time my lids parted, Antonio was asleep with his body clasping mine protectively. His eyes looked tired of crying, his lips loosely parted, his hair messily falling atop his brow. I hated to imagine how that face would look if I were to die. "Try not to cry too much" I advised him in a breathy whisper. "Okay? And do not mourn for too long. You can lay out flowers for me but don't lay more before the old ones wilt. Don't water my grave with tears, I promise you, no matter how often you water the headstone, it will not grow. And… Toni… don't avoid the company of your friends in favor of isolation. Please, don't. When they want to hold and comfort you, run into their arms. Show kindness to my brother and make him something to eat. I bet he'll be skinny. Are you listening to me, Toni? You have such big ears, I'm sure they can hear this." My slight fingers gingerly brushed the rims of his warm ears. My face began to prickle and tears spilled over at the thought of loosing the attention of those beautiful ears. I still wanted to kiss them red and tell secrets to them. I wanted them to listen patiently as I forfeited my troubles. I wanted to push curly hair behind them, to lay my head beside them for a good night's rest. I pressed my lips to them one last time and whispered in the lowest voice I could, "Share those beautiful words you gave me with someone else. Give them that wide grin that brings them to safety, say, "I love you" in that sweet, honest, way to another set of ears. You are so capable of love, don't waste it all on me. Give it again, Antonio… Beautiful Idiot. Give someone else as much happiness as you gave me…"

My breathing slowed, the last tear that was running down my face soaked into the pillow and I said, "I love you" before drifting off into a world where I was free of thought.

A person must know when they are dying. You spend your whole life fearing that very moment and when it comes, the fear is gone. You love greater than you had before and you know that you are safe. I felt every moment of my slipping away. I was asleep, thankfully, and so was Antonio. God knows the boy needed some shut eye. He rarely slept and when he did, it was in a chair for a few fitful minutes between doctors visiting. I could feel it as the blood pooling in my lungs increased until the air hissing under my nose was not enough to support my weak veins. I choked very slowly, it didn't hurt at all. I could sense each degree that my body grew colder. My brain was too numb to respond, it allowed me to sleep.

Antonio woke up towards the end of it. That was a hideous sight, to be certain. He cried very much when I would not respond to his shaking. I was surprised that, after so much crying, he could still afford more tears. He checked the tank, which had run out two minutes before his waking. His palms pounded roughly on my chest in a rapid rhythm. I felt terrible. After all, he was still just a boy.

Tears dropped endlessly onto my unresponsive face. My name… he must have said it a hundred times. Maybe he thought that I'd forgotten it. He smashed his lips to mine and offered me the air right out of his lungs but little of it did I manage to use. The doctor pushed fingers into my neck and called me "hanging on". I wished he had said that I was dead, then Antonio wouldn't have repeated that silly sequence of pushing and breathing for the next hour. He wouldn't have said "Hang on, Lovi, please, hang on, please!" over and over again for the next hour. People offered to take over but he insisted on doing it all himself. I guess he thought that no one would push as hard and break as many ribs as he did. He sweat, he cried, he prayed. Repeat.

When the plane mounted earth again, I was the fifth stretcher rushed into the awaiting medical tent. Four others were in a more serious condition. They told Antonio to leave but his muscles had become stuck in the pattern of pushing and he would not stop. They dragged him off of me fighting. I listened to his cries. Many off them were too sob-choked to understand. "Don't! Please! He needs me! Stop!" He called out desperately from where they had him restrained. "Lovi! Lovi, please! Lovi!" His gravelly voice screamed, tears falling numb on his cheeks. "Lovi! Please, please! I need you! I need you, Lovi! Please, don't die!"

It is difficult to come back to life once you have decided that you are going to die. I was almost completely gone, I was collecting just the last clinging shards of my soul from the corpse when I heard his pitiful pleas. Memories of our happy times lived again in my memory. I saw us watching the stars and falling in love, I saw our first night together and the way he held me so passionately. I saw our brief moments of humor, our meeting in the boarding hallway, his arms lifting my injured frame from the bed, his sad, sad body grappling mine in a hospital cot as if that was enough to keep me with him. He watched me die… and he never stopped believing in a far-off fantasy.

"Why did they bother bringing this kid here?" The doctor thought. He walked away from my corpse and began changing his gloves so he could aid a more promising patient, one that might actually live. "They're just creating false hope. In a hospital, they wouldn't even bring him to a surgeon's table. At least he'll go in peace." And as he was thinking of the words of consolation to give Antonio, the nurse at my side perked up.

"Heart beat is picking up." The younger man announced, gaining the doctor's attention.

"Prepare the defibrillator. " He announced, hastily approaching my limp form as the nurse ran off. The man leaned down closer to my face, I could smell his coffee breath. "Do you want to live?" He asked me in a hushed voice.

Images of my childhood and the curly- headed optimist revived me.Yesthe beeping monitor answered. I wanted to run again, to touch rough brick walls, to smell a rainy country side, to drink bitter, bitter coffee again. I wanted to make that boy smile again. Yes! The rhythmic chirping of the monitor quickened. Yes, I want to live.

The man looked at the monitor and smiled. "Alright, let's do our best, then." He whispered to me.

The nurse returned with a big, plastic, briefcase. They changed up the humming paddles and declared "Clear!" It hurt like hell. More and more memories played across my closed eyes. I saw my parents, my friends, my brother, our childhood games. I saw hateful sex with strangers and meaningful nights with Antonio. I heard his loud, lively laugh. I heard his poetic voice convincing me to fall deeper in love with him.

"Clear!" I saw Nora, the little sheep of a girl, crying bitterly at her eminent doom. I saw Lue haunting the ship with parchment threats and callous demands. I was Julia rallying us in the cupboard when the news that we were stranded paralyzed us. I was the cold key linked around my neck. The twins and I and the children in masks. Doctor Jaro and his uncomfortable chair.

"Clear!" I saw men piled into a transmission closet, deciphering the riddles Lue used to tease us. I saw Becky, flustered and weak, fighting off the program that was draining her power. I saw The Ultimate Masterpiece and the many passionate kisses I exchanged under the watchful eye of Neptune. I saw the scared janitor who received me, bloodied and broken, at the bottom of the stairs. I felt Antonio's careful arms embrace me and thank me for living. I saw his smile of relief, his teary eyes, his kisses and promises of protection. I saw Antonio… "Come on, kid!" The doctor shouted and thrust his palms against my chest. "You want to live, don't you!?" I saw Antonio! His smile, the smile that swore that he loved me. I saw him cry over my crumpled body, I saw his face. The eyes that I had thanked god for, the grass green eyes that reminded me of life. I was him… Antonio! "You want to live, don't you!?"

"Clear!" With incredible force, I shoved my lungs into motion. I pushed and pushed, demanding that my heart beat. My chest rose and fell with great determination. The doctor praised me and clapped my shoulder but there was not much time to spare. They gave me a new oxygen tank and went to work on repairing the sad flesh pouches that I had the nerve to call lungs. Still, I lived. They drained and stitched and mended for three hours before Antonio was allowed to see my unconscious (but living) body.

By that time, the boy had no more tears left to cry. The doctor and nurse stepped left to deal with the others. Antonio pulled up a chair and smiled tiredly at me. He leaned in an whispered something gently into my ear. It wasn't Thank you or I love you or thank God. No, not any of those. Antonio smiled and called me "Asshole" instead.

"It's not easy to love you, you know. Not when you keep trying to die on me. You're so troublesome, Lovino. I suppose I knew that when I got myself into this mess. I knew I'd be putting myself up to a challenge. I just had to choose the stubborn one, the scared one, the one who will kick and scream till he turns blue. Here's a secret, Lovi. I'm not giving up on you. You can fight all you want, you can even try to die, I'm not letting you go. Never, Lovi, never. So gimme your best shot."

I tried to make my hand into a fist and give him a good one in the jaw but the best my blood deprived body could do was to slightly flex my fingers. He smiled wider, a true smile, and laced his fingers though mine. "Asshole", he said one more time before laying his head down on the cot and falling asleep.

In a world where our existences are a bit short of meaningless, we think ourselves perpetually lost. We look up into the raging sea of space and feel that we must be nothing, mean nothing. The truth is that that theory is mostly correct. Our lives and deaths are but a collision of atoms that will be washed over by the innumerable amount of collisions that are to follow. We can't even begin to imagine how short and futile our lives are. They're pretty damn close to meaningless but, to a couple of assholes made up of three working lungs and two beating hearts, they mean everything.

.

.

.

.

.

.

THE CONCLUSION