A/N

This was a prompt request (see end notes) from my dear friend Summer who is completely evil because I never imagined my first Who fic would be a crack fic. So blame her, pain and lack of sleep for whatever this is. Thanks Summer for beta-ing my punctuation-ally challenged fic. Decided to keep it rated mature as while it is very adult its not explicit, imo.

Will be adding cover art tomorrow. This is published on AO3 as FWvidChick.

See the end of the work for more notes

- How to Blush a Time Lord -

He should have known running into Jack while River was with him would result in this; really, he should have. At first, River being there had smoothed over the whole new regeneration and 'why haven't I seen you in so long' thing. Then it had begun to spiral into a nightmare.

They sat drinking at a back booth in the 'Tumble and Ripe', a seedy space bar in the 54th Century; which was just as bad as the 51st, in the Doctor's opinion.

All types of species and genders mingled around them. Obnoxious smells permeated the air, strange substances littered the floor and he purposely hadn't bothered to pay too much attention to what some of the bars patrons were doing. It wasn't as if he never been anywhere questionable, heck questionable often meant adventure, but this ?

It was deplorable, depraved and most importantly, dull. If only the latter could be said somewhat for his two companions who were getting on like tea and biscuits.

Why was it that his friends getting along always spelled trouble for him?

So, of course, they managed to talk him into going there. He had no chance of winning against her enchanting green eyes, Jack's baby blues and their pair of charming smiles. Why that place, he wasn't certain; not that it mattered when River, whom the TARDIS unfairly favoured, could just take them there anyway.

Now as a consequence he found himself surrounded, or more accurately outnumbered, in a century of walking innuendo's and come-on's. Two of which sat with him, determined to make him blush, turning it into a contest.

With neither having any shame, it had escalated from dirty jokes (it was quite shocking how many River knew) to now true stories. Stories he knew he could never tell a grand kid, anyone's grandkids, or her parents.

He thanked all the deities and would be deities of every pantheon that his in-laws were not there.

"So that's when he gets the clever idea of hiding in the broiler room. And it was hot – " Jack was saying with a waggle of his brows, causing the Doctor to inwardly groan and resist the urge to cover his face. He was not going to react.

He really wasn't.

River bit her bottom lip as she glanced over at him. "Just the two of you?" She asked, evidently having a magical gift for making innocent questions seem really naughty.

"Yep." Jack grinned wickedly back. "Rose had managed to make it back to the TARDIS with the scepter, good thing, too. Anyway, like I was saying, hot boiler room and after about five minutes of sitting and sweating in the heat, what does he do? Starts stripping! There goes the leather jacket, his jumper, and can I just say I thought he was hot before he took them off but all that sweat on glisten -"

The Doctor coughed, cutting him off; ignoring the way two sets of eyes raked over him, checking the flush of his skin.

Cheekily, his friend went on. "So yeah, he strips them off, revealing such pretty glistening skin and then he turns to me and says?" Jack paused before adopting the deadpanned tone of his twice removed former self, "Take off your shirt."

River cackled. "Oh how romantic!" She clapped her hands together and looked back and forth between the two men, settling her gaze on Jack with a wickedly gleeful gleam in her eyes. "Please, please, please tell me you got a snog out of the whole thing."

The Doctor pressed his lips together, resisting the usual "Riiiver " he'd have hissed in response. Instead, he stared at his drink, knowing and dreading the rest of Jack's story. He also worried about what would then come out of River's mouth after.

He was not going to give either of them the satisfaction. He really wasn't.

Jack giggled before continuing his tale, his blue eyes flickering across the table at the awkwardly stiff Time lord. "Oh love, even better. Even better!"

He leaned forward conspiratorially, River following suit. The Doctor allowed himself an eye roll. "I stripped off my shirt and I start to undo my pants, because well, why not? He has his back turned, poking his big stick here and there, of course." River giggled and earned herself a light jab in the ribs.

"A stick? I wouldn't call it a stick and it wasn't all that big either. No! Wait... I mean!" Their burst of laughter ruined his defense so he glared at his drink instead. "Forget it!"

River rubbed a hand up and down his back soothingly. "Don't worry, dear, I can defend the size of your … log any day."

"And I can say with the most intimate knowledge you definitely can be proud of its size," River offered up a second later, causing Jack to practically snort into his Screaming Score vodka.

Though River sounded completely sincere the Doctor pointedly ignored her. It wasn't really all that comforting at the moment; more like a nausea inducing attempt not to look embarrassed at this current topic while slumping in his seat.

She turned back to look at Jack who gave one last hearty chuckle before continuing his treasonous tale.

"Like I was saying, he's poking his log around and I am about to pull my pants down when suddenly the door opens on the other side of the room. I had to think quickly, not sure which political party these guards were on, so I pulled him into my arms, one hand on his arse -"

"Oh. You. Didn't! Did you?" River practically squealed, her eyes casting back over to the Doctor as if appraising him in a whole new light.

He swallowed hard before throwing Jack a murderous glare.

"We did!" Jack nodded, looking pleased with himself. "I figured if we were going to die..."

River leaned across their seat to walk her fingers up his chest before tweaking his bowtie. "Sweetie," she purred, clearly enjoying his battle not to blush and Jack's approving stares. "I think this is going to open up a whole new level of fun." The Doctor gulped at her, working overtime on controlling the flush of his skin and barely succeeding.

Oh, how he hated Jack at that moment. Giving this mad woman an ounce of ammo was treason, friendship treason!

What kind of friend did this!?

"Picture Rory naked. Picture her FATHER naked with a sword!" was the mental chant he made as he tried to clear his mind of blush inducing images and relieve his torment. Stuttering despite himself, the Doctor corrected what he knew Jack was allowing River's imagination run off with. "We didn't! It... it was not even, barely even , ten seconds. "

Jack nodded, "And a glorious ten seconds it was! And we did Doctor, we did! You know you taste of..." He tilted his head as if trying to find the perfect description. "Sweet tea and…"

That earned him another glare. "Well, yes. I drink a lot of it. Tea is good!" He cut Jack off loudly, not wanting to hear any more comparisons to himself and aphrodisiacs.

Jack just laughed at him while River gave his bowtie one last lingering caress before she leaned back into her seat. The Doctor did not like the look in her shining green eyes.

He really wished at that moment that he could get drunk more quickly. He felt a little out of it but it wasn't nearly enough. He knew this wasn't going to be pretty, not with the stories River could tell. If it wasn't for the fact he loved and adored her so much he'd most definitely would regret marrying her in that moment. Way too much ammunition for anyone to have over him.

"So, gorgeous, give the juicy details. You have to have a particularly dirty story or two, something more than my quick kiss and cop a feel. " Jack asked before signaling for another couple round of drinks.

River laughed as her hand ran slowly from the top of the Doctor's leg towards the inside of his thigh. At the warning look he gave her, she grinned back shamelessly, hand unremoved but blessedly still before she answered Jack. "Only two? Captain, let me make one thing very clear. "

Her hand was suddenly higher, fingers briefly brushing against his groin. The Doctor had knocked back the rest of his third glass of Three Moons Shine and choked in reaction to her hand. It burned his throat twice as much.

"And what would that be Doctor Song?" Jack replied, clearly not missing his situation but playing along while all the Doctor could do was blink back tears and gulp down water. He hadn't just choked but swallowed wrong.

Infernal woman!

"This man, with his eternal twelve year old face-" River took his face between her hands. And while her words weren't exactly meant to be complimentary, her touch was gentle. Her tone had a seductive quality to it, one he didn't care for her using in front of Jack. "And prudish sensibilities has... "

With a scowl on his face as it was squished a bit between her palms, the Doctor narrowed his eyes as he tried to figure out where she was going with this and then it hit him. His eyes snapped wide as she finished with. "A nudity fetish."

"It's not a fetish!" The Doctor protested loudly, pulling his face from her hands abruptly, far too annoyed in that moment to blush. The scandalized indignation written on his face intrigued Jack more than the word fetish, which also intrigued him quite a bit, too.

River simply raised a brow at him. "You don't, sweetie? Are you certain?" Oh, he knew that tone and what it brought but he really didn't care. She wasn't going to spin this so it seemed he got some sort of... kinky enjoyment out of being nude.

"No, I don't and you know it!" He huffed, feeling just enough of the alien moonshine in his system to continue to not heed the subtle warnings that he was walking into a well-laid verbal trap.

Completely sober, he'd have simply blushed ages ago when his companions had first started the dirty jokes contest, ending the whole thing before it really got started. But not now! Oh no! He was the Doctor with superior skills in controlling biological functions and holding his liquor. He would not blush.

No curvy, magic-haired, gun-toting woman or snickering, traitorous friend who couldn't be conveniently murdered was going to out-do him tonight!

"Sweetie," she responded with far too much patience than he liked. "You do remember changing in front of my parents, don't you?"

"Yes! But that isn't proof River."

"You stripped all the way down, dear."

The Doctor sniffed and jutted out his chin. "I did tell your dad to turn around if it embarrassed him."

River nodded taking her drinks as they arrived. "Yes, you did. Which he did, but my mother enjoyed the full Monty."

Jack grinned as he set The Doctor's next couple of drinks in front of him. "I think I love your mom already."

"Oh, she'd love you, too."

"Really?" Jack leaned forward, eager to hear more, resting his chin on the palm of his hand.

River copied him, free hand stirring the straw around in her Afternoon Delight lazily. "Mmmhmm. She's all fiery red hair and ballsy passion, and so very Scottish. But it's a package deal …"

"What is?"

"My parents come as a pair."

The frown that had been growing on the Doctor's face turned into a canyon. "Riiveer… They are your parents! You can't be ser -"

Jack held up a hand. "No, no... I can do package deals!"

"Jack!" the Doctor growled warningly, sounding very much like he was channeling his previous incarnation.

"My father was a Roman soldier and is very good with a sword," River added with a cheeky smile. The Doctor wasn't sure if her addition was meant to entice or warn off Jack.

"A Roman soldier? Please tell me more!"

"Well -"

"No, no no no no! " The Doctor practically yelled in frustration, not at all amused. Yeah, he knew they were joking, or he at least hoped they were, but hearing them talk like that about his Ponds, never mind her parents, made him far more uncomfortable than if he got caught making out with their daughter. Not to mention he had no desire to picture Jack with them. Just no.

"They are not going within twenty light years of Jack! Not now, not ever!" He said while shaking his hands emphatically in front of him in an attempt to stress how serious he was.

River watched him casually, glancing briefly at Jack. The Doctor didn't miss the half smile exchange and glowered further at her. "They are your parents, not prospective partners in Jack's..." He waved an arm wildly over the table, forcing Jack to lean back as he tried to find an appropriate word. "In Jack's latest tryst. "

"I like that word tryst," Jack commented, causing the Doctor's head to whip towards him with flared nostrils.

River laughed softly and put a hand on his arm. "I wasn't suggesting anything of the sort. Not for them anyway." She waggled her brows while the Doctor furrowed his own.

"What?"

"Sweetie." Was all she said as she pointedly stared at him, then Jack, then back to him.

It only took another 5 seconds before his confused brain started imagining what she possibly meant and picturing things. It had that unfortunate habit. The Doctor felt his skin start to grow warm and took a deep breath, managing to control it just in time.

He wasn't going to let either of them win.

"Uhmm…" He sniffed loudly as River suddenly smiled saucily at him.

"Well, sweetie, my birthday is coming up and there is three of us."

While he wasn't sure how she got to this topic by talking about her parents suggestively, he was just grateful that it had changed at all.

"Your birthday?" Also not immediately making that connection. What was she thinking?

River lifted an eyebrow at him, "You have done Pritorian 5, right? I swore we established -"

The Doctor started shaking his head, "Yes, yes... Wait. Oh!" Eyes going wide as it hit him what she was getting at. "Three… You meant three...Riiiver!"

She grinned while Jack tried not to spit out his drink from laughing. "See… Just like that." She blinked all prettily at him, her voice taking on the bedroom tone that tended to give him problems. "On my birthday."

With as much dignity as he could muster and an awful lot of blush control, the Doctor cleared his throat while tugging at the lapels of jacket. "Well... erm. River that isn't quite- I don't think-" He felt ever so warm and Jack staring at him like that wasn't really helping. "It's just… No offense, not really... me. I mean, I want you to enjoy -"

He was grateful when she cut off his rambling with a quick kiss. "Don't worry, dear. I know you're not ready...Yet. "

"Yet?"

"Honestly, sweetie, it's fine."

He was sputtering now. "Wait… Yet… I don't. What?" Unable to form a coherent thought as he wasn't sure if he should be relieved or bothered. He didn't usually struggle with manhood and all that malarkey but in that moment it briefly crossed his mind that something about his might just be in question. Which was ridiculous but it was there just the same.

River gave a slight shake of her head before placing a hand on his cheek to placate him. "Shh, I'm sure you can think of something equally as fun for my birthday."

"While I love the idea of being a gift, I think we got lost on the topic." The Doctor turned to Jack, who was grinning at them like a Cheshire cat, eyeing him wearily as his friend continued. "I want to know more about this fetissssh."

From the way Jack drew out the word the Doctor knew his suffering was far from resolved. The venue may have changed but he was still on the menu.

With a great sigh, he hung his head a moment before looking back up at the partners in delivering his current torment. "It. Is. Not. A. Fetish!" He stressed each word, taking turns scowling at them both.

River sighed. "Sweetie, what else would you call it?"

"Not a fetish!"

"So, dressing in front of my parents; the time at nudist beach; the planet of tree huts; the holographic clothing incident." She ticked off each time on a finger. "And last but not least…" She held up her thumb now. "Your attempt to implement nude day are all not signs of a fetish?"

"Sounds like a problem to me," Jack piped up as the Doctor's face took on a distinct look of someone who had swallowed a tart lemon whole.

"River Song, Mel-o-dy Pond -" The Doctor began, showing the enormity of his annoyance by saying both her names. The way he enunciated the syllables of her birth name was a clear sign he was about to go into defensive lecture mode.

River turned to give him her full attention and he could see that familiar smirk she always wore when she got him riled up like this.

"A: the nudist beach wasn't my idea!"

"No, but you didn't have a problem with it, if memory serves."

"I don't mind nudity, River; it doesn't mean it's a fetish."

Jack raised a brow at his 'don't mind' declaration. "So nude day?" He asked receiving another death glare.

Quickly knocking back the rest of his drink The Doctor continued. "B: the nudist beach wasn't my idea and - " He stared pointedly at River. "And we were in our own little area. It wasn't as if I was watching..." He punctuated with a momentary lapse of flailing arms.

River snickered and looked at Jack. "It's true. He faced the 'private' area while I enjoyed the view. "

Jack gave an approving nod and they clinked glasses. The Doctor ignored them as he tried to remember where he left off and worked to not let his mind wander to the nudity he did get to appreciate that day.

It took him a moment. For some reason, likely the pair of them with their distracting comments, his thoughts just weren't moving as quickly as they usually did.

"Ah! F."

"You mean C?" Jack asked with an amused smile while the Doctor frowned at him.

"I can hardly go to the Mitiria Market with real clothes," He reminded them both. "I'd be arrested in seconds for weapon concealment!"

Crossing her arms River leaned back. "That doesn't explain you without clothes for 3 days with my parents around." Of course she had to go and remind him of that. "I don't think my dad could have coped if he had known your clothes were holographic-"

"Never mind, I'm sure, he'd have preferred you did conceal your weapon." He scowled at Jack for his unhelpful remark.

"Especially with the way you dance around the TARDIS console," River finished.

The Doctor opened his mouth to explain the three day nudity and decided with one quick glance at Jack's smart ass face it would only open up another can of worms. River smirked knowingly.

"G! AND the only way to enjoy the tree hut vacation is nudity!" He exclaimed a bit louder than he had intended. "You weren't complaining!"

Jack looked from The Doctor to River and pointed a finger over his glass at her. "He has you there."

"Oh, he really did, all over," River agreed with a bite of her lower lip that had the Doctor not only fighting the flush of his skin but the urge to lean over and kiss her. She was evil, had to be.

"Bet he did." Jack nodded understandingly. "So that counts as perfectly acceptable terms of nudity."

Clearing his throat and adjusting his bowtie, the Doctor felt bolstered by the momentary support so continued. "And – and – River, it's not fair to bring up nude day when you very well know I was suffering hallucinations from that spider bite. "

Jack raised a brow in question. River shrugged. "Very large species of Agrestis spider. There was a colony plagued by them and we were hit with a surprise attack." She raised her eyebrows and gave a slight thoughtful nod as she finished. "One of the symptoms of a bite is delusions and hallucinations brought on by unconscious desires."

They both turned to look at him in wait of an explanation.

The Doctor stared back at them, eyes wide, mouth opening and shutting several times, doing a very good goldfish impression. He tried frantically to find words to defend himself with that they couldn't twist on him.

"It not a fetish! I just like that… It's freeing!" He exclaimed a moment later, annoyed at his choice of words and sluggish mind. Before either of them could say anything further he added, "A fetish implies I get some sort of…" He cleared his throat and almost went pink by the words that had been about to jump from his mouth.

Jack leaned his face on his hand and did his own version of blinking prettily at him. "Sort of...what?"

The Doctor scowled again at the other man and straightened himself up. "Sort of physical –" This was completely unfair. He could see how they both waited patiently for him to have to say it, or find a way around it. And he couldn't even blush! "Enjoyment! I enjoy being free but I don't get a –"

"Rise?" Jack offered.

"Yes, a rise." The Doctor nodded and then blinked as he realized what he just agreed too. "Wait NO! I mean. Oh forget it, I like to be nude. ME just ME!" He ended in a huff.

While Jack was laughing, River leaned towards him and whispered into his ear, her breath warm against the side of his face making him shiver. "So, you don't like it when I am nude?"

Half torn between turning to kiss her senseless for making him feel crazy and scowling at her for the same reason, the Doctor took a deep calming breath instead.

He could do this; he wasn't going to blush or run away. These two were going to have to accept they couldn't win no matter what they said.

"River," he whispered back. "Do you really need to ask that? Or have you forgotten?" Feeling like he had regained some control.

She leaned her chin on his shoulder, looking up at him, eyes a deeper green from desire, merriment and drink. "No, I've not forgotten. Mmm, I think it's deliciously seared into my memory. I just thought you might need the reminder."

The only reply she received in return was him humming low in the back of his throat and a quick bop to her nose. He then picked up his untouched drink and took a swallow. When his gaze found hers once more he knew she could see the determination in it to not be reminded. At least not at that moment.

She sat back with a soft smile but it was her eyes that seemed to say she was answering some sort of dare. One he had most definitely not intended to give.

A frown played at his mouth in wonder to what she was thinking. Just because he liked her unpredictability didn't mean it never worried or down right alarmed him.

Jack had been quietly watching them for almost a full 30 seconds once his laughter had died. He cleared his throat to catch the married couple's attention.

"Damn, aren't you two... Adorable." An eyebrow rose in question to what their little moment was all about.

River sweetly smiled at The Doctor, the sort of smile that sent many of those alarm bells ringing, before she turned to Jack.

"I owe you a story, don't I?"

"I wouldn't necessarily say that. The whole nudity fetish issue of our dear Doctor will fuel me for days but by all means don't let me stop you."

The Doctor growled, "It is not a fetish."

Jack grinned at him over his glass. "I kind of think it is. No worries, I don't judge." He winked and the Doctor sighed, wishing River would just spit out whatever tale she was going to embarrass him with.

Laughing merrily, River leaned forward. "I think I can fuel you up for… A dozen life times with this story."

"Oh really? What can top nude day or this sexy Time Lord dancing with his weapon out?" Jack asked with a wicked smiled.

That was it! Somehow that man was dying. Properly!

Crossing his arms, the Doctor glowered at his drink. Feeling a flutter in his stomach, determined not to let them get a …ri... reaction out of him.

Which story was she going to tell? Some of their adventures were definitely well designed weapons just for a moment like this and a good number of them had ended with one or both of them naked. For various reasons, not all of them adult, not that that mattered where she was concerned.

"Oh, it definitely tops nude day," River responded and held a hand out to her husband. "Psychic paper, please." The sudden sweet tone should have been a warning but being caught off guard as he was, the Doctor found himself fishing it out of his jacket and handing it over without question.

"Ever heard of Casitanian?" She grinned as she slapped the paper against the palm of her hand, ignoring the Doctor's sharp stare her direction.

Jack nodded. "Never been but I've heard. Apparently, amazing once in a life time, planet wide feasts in tribute to their god. Wanted to go but mister…" He looked over at The Doctor . "Kill joy here said it wasn't a suitable location."

River giggled. "Evidently, it is when you are in need of a honeymoon."

"It was an accident!"

"Sometimes, sweetie, I think your accidents are more of those subconscious desires."

"Hardly," He grunted. " It wasn't fun, River."

"Oh, I don't know. You seemed to be having quite a bit of fun to me." She grinned at him over her drink "There was dancing. You love dancing. Not to mention all that nudity. " She received a definite scowl for that.

Jack turned to him with raised brows. "Dancing and nudity?" He looked back to River. "Please tell me there was dancing while people were nude." He paused and then waggled his brows provocatively. "Unless it's a clever euphemism in which please give me due warning as that sort of dancing in relation to the Doctor should come with one."

River leaned on her hand. "No euphemism love, sorry!" Sounding positively contrite much to The Doctor's chagrin.

The two of them were possibly the worst pair to put together and let drink in the history of the universe. At least for his sanity.

"Pity. So, dancing while nude? Shame it's not the other."

"Yes, just that." The grin that sprang across her face sent a shiver down The Doctor's spine. "I promise it is very worth it."

"I'm sure." The Doctor's insides turned at Jack's wistful tone.

"It is, has to be when a certain someone landed us far enough in the past to set themselves up for worship."

"What else was I to do? Tell them we were just passing through in our space and time ship?!" The Doctor exclaimed.

"It might have worked." River shrugged with a teasing smile.

Jack looked back and forth between them. "Hey! Don't keep a man waiting. So… Where does this nude dancing and worship come in?"

"It is not like it sounds!" The Doctor insisted glaring at River.

"Yes, it is!" She slapped his shoulder lightly. "Now let me tell the story. "

River turned back to Jack. "See, we had been married, well, roughly six months for me anyway, and my love here, after enduring a lecture from my mother for disappearing and for not being husbandly, decided it was time we had honeymoon. "

"I was always planning on giving you one -"

"Eventually, I know dear." She patted his leg. "Now, when he drives we generally don't end up where he intends. Bless."

"Oi!"

"We don't!"

"Where were you supposed to go?"

"Planet of the tree huts," The Doctor supplied with a grumble.

Jack nodded. "So, that holiday of nudity was a second honeymoon."

River grinned. "If you like." She ate the cherry from her drink before continuing. "Obviously we not only ended up on Casitanian but so far in the past that they didn't have the unified religion yet."

"And you say I've a problem messing with history. " Jack remarked snarkily at him.

With a giggle, River shook her head causing her luscious blonde curls to bounce across her shoulders; an action that The Doctor found his eyes drawn to. He loved it when her hair was long like this, long enough to touch her elbows: a lion's mane. Free, wild soft ringlets like when he had seen her in the garden at Amy and Rory's wedding.

"We don't land, we crash," she continues on. "On the altar built for the Sky Man, of all things. It breaks right down the middle and we come stumbling out. The poor dears weren't expecting the answer to their prophecy quite like that. "

"Sky Man?"

"Yes, the Sky Man." She glanced at the Doctor. "You see, they had five main gods at this point and believed one day a man from the sky would come and tell them which god was the one to unite under. They had been apparently waiting centuries, when we… Made our entrance."

"So with the Doctor as the Sky Man what did that make you?" Jack asked while the Doctor sniffed, pretending he wasn't paying all that much attention, which was obviously a lie considering how many quick peeks over his glass he kept giving River.

The most seductive combination of a smirk and a smile found its way across Rivers face. The Doctor groaned. "Oh, I love this bit. I was assuming that I was going to be some sort of consort or concubine to the 'Sky Man' but apparently they believe that those who are married are truly of one flesh. So the 'Sky Man' was easily adapted to being the both of us." She threw an amused glance his way. "Which didn't take long considering the Doctor felt the need to stake claim to me."

"It was either that or let them carry you off!"

"I'm not complaining, sweetie, I thought it was very manly and sexy of you. Would have ravished you right there if it hadn't been for the crowd."

"Somehow, I don't believe a crowd would have made a difference for you," Jack snorted.

The Doctor gave a scandalized scowl before sniffing again and focusing on his drink. River laughed, "Someday remind me to tell you about the ball room incident."

The Doctor's head flew up in panic. "No no no!"

"I won't now, only because I think you dancing naked is far more interesting to Jack then a quickie in the hall outside the ball."

He managed to avoid the blush by slumping a bit in his seat and groaning slightly, unable to look at either of them. The things that woman could talk him in to.

"I could definitely do with the tale of the Doctor being naughty." Jack grinned devilishly. "But you are right pretty lady; him naked is far more appealing."

"Thought so." With one of his glances the Doctor noted the way River slipped from her hell on high heels mode to her archaeologist and explorer one. "In order to truly appreciate how special what I am about to tell you is, you need to understand that the Casitanian's see dancing as a window to the soul. And the soul is everything. So much so that if they believe your soul is tarnished, especially when you've come in posing as a messenger of the one god, they will execute you. "

"In other words, he was to dance for your lives?"

"Yes. Their whole culture is steeped in this belief about the soul and that a blemished one will result in chaos and death. All five faiths even shared the belief. So we had to, in order to establish we weren't going to throw their world order in chaos, prove our position as Sky Man. One of us had to dance around the other, who had to hold this sacred black stone which would reflect our soul by turning gold if we're worthy and transparent if we were tainted. "

"Don't you just love the 'test' mentality?" Jack asked ruefully. The Doctor snorted, wondering a bit snobbishly how many such tests Jack had been forced to run from and how many the man would actually pass if he stayed.

River rolled her eyes at him as if she had heard his unspoken catty thoughts and continued. "Love them usually. Life is so much more fun when you have to snog, dance or perform morally questionable acts to get out of peril," she said with a wink before elbowing him. "Right, sweetie?"

The Doctor frowned at her. "Morally questionable? What does that mean?"

"Depends on what you are referring to?"

"Riiver..."

"Oh hush, you can lecture me later He-who-brings-life and-fruit-of-his-loins-to -all."

Jack coughed, eyes wide in disbelief. "Sorry? What...? Fruit of his what?"

If there was ever a moment to blush that whole evening up to that point, it was that exact moment. With great deep breaths in and out, the Doctor managed to get some control before turning to River and insisting defensively, "I did not do it! I promise!"

With no mercy for his friend, Jack looked back and forth between the two. "What did you not do?"

River wore the expressions husbands from anywhere would recognize as the answer carefully face. "You were in there for three hours and when the two of you came out she pronounced you 'He-who-brings-life and-fruit-of-his-loins-to -all.' " She gave him a tight smile that had even Jack swallowing with a grimace. "What else am I supposed to think?"

There was no way he knew of to answer that question without it sounding so much worse than it was. He honestly hadn't done anything . For the life of him, he could never figure out what he could have said or did to earn the title; only had been grateful at the time because it had secured their lives. But seriously… Fruit of his loins? It was if the women had planned out a way to keep him permanently embarrassed and equally apologetic for the rest of his long life.

"I… We just… All I said was… But we…" He stuttered out, unable to keep to a single explanation as her face went through a myriad of expressions, most which did not bode well for him.

"I see," she said, tone devoid of any emotional tell. Jack sat frozen in his seat obviously as uncertain as the Doctor as to what to do.

Without a single warning, she suddenly smiled and gave her attention all to Jack. "Where was I? Oh yes, dancing. He was magnificent!. " And with that, apparently all was forgiven.

For now.

"The ceremony didn't just call for dancing but, as you've probably figured, for him to be naked," River continued, her eyes migrating from Jack back to him, growing dark as she seemed to be remembering every detail. "Completely naked, oiled, all painted with sacred symbols and dancing to prove our worthiness."

From the expression on her face the Doctor figured if they hadn't been in a bar he'd be stripped of his clothes right then and there. The woman was insatiable; especially it seemed for his gangly, uncoordinated body.

"Must have danced for hours." She tore her lust filled gaze from him to glance at Jack. "And you should see the statues. Better than the ones on Easter Island. They captured every bit of him with complete accuracy. "

"Every bit?" Jack asked almost giddily.

"Every last detail. After all, he was their god of fertility for a while."

Jack's mouth dropped open. "Fertility god? You're kidding!"

"Nope. Nearly three hundred of their years and even now his depiction represent the one god they are united under, though it's not actually the same god."

"Wow, talk about dancing to impress."

River nodded with a sigh looking back at the Doctor with an expression of pure want. "I don't know why he gets so worried about the size of his stick."

"Log," Jack corrected with an unabashed grin in the Doctors direction.

It was really hard not to grow warm, between the looks on their faces, the size talk, and the undeniable fact that all three of them knew he had enjoyed the whole Sky Man experience. The godhood was just an unfortunate consequence to an adventure he most definitely enjoyed: all that freedom and expression, dancing under an alien sun; River's eyes unashamedly tracking every movement of his body while the natives had cheered with delight. Never mind passing the test and turning the stone to a shiny gold. It was like being young again, running down red grassed hillsides stark naked with friends and hollering for all they were worth.

With a deep breath and extreme effort in concentration he only just managed to save himself.

No blushing. NO BLUSHING!

He picked up his drink, pretending to feel far steadier then he felt, forgetting the weapon he had handed over without question not all that long ago.

It was why he practically choked again when River announced with glee, "I can show you. I have an excellent memory. Want to see?"

Wait! NO! She wouldn't dare?!

"You mean him or the fertility statues?" Jack was leaning forward and the Doctor watched as if in slow motion as River beamed and began to pass the psychic paper over to him.

"Which ever way you like."

Slow motion be damned. With speed that surprised even him, he sprang forward to snatch it out of her hand before Jack's could remotely touch it. He was half successful.

Jack was blocked but River's grip was iron. The steel look in his wife's dark green hazy eyes told him she wasn't going to let go of it for anything.

Physically, he was the stronger of the two, but River had been drinking and fought dirty. River would enjoy it and River was River; trained in the art of getting her way with him, one way or the other.

He wasn't entirely sure Venusian aikido would help him in this situation given they were in such a tight spot. Not that he planned to use it on her, or probably could in this body but he had the passing desperate thought.

"River! No, don't ... That isn't-"

"Doctor," she said through gritted teeth. "Sweetie, let's not be rude."

"Rude?!" He exclaimed in disbelief. Forgetting himself for a second, he almost let go of the psychic paper, held firmly by two sets of hands. Neither wanted to damage it any more then they planned to let go of it.

"Yes! Rude. Jack shouldn't be deprived of the privilege to marvel at your... Form. "

He was too caught up in musing about her remarkable strength to entirely compute what she had said or how Jack sat there transfixed by the show they were providing.

With that strength and quick reflexes he usually appreciated from her, he watched one of her hands let go to grab one of his wrists. With just enough pressure and know how, she hit a nerve and forced him to let go with that hand.

Realizing what she was intending to do, he had shifted to position them both away from Jack so she couldn't suddenly pass it off to him. Stuck between the booth seat and the table there wasn't much room for maneuvering, forcing the two of them to fall to the side while they clung to their prize. Their free hands grappled each other; at first more in an effort to subconsciously reduce the discomfort of falling into the booth seat and then to purchase some hold over the other. Meanwhile, neither was relenting in their grip on the leather wallet that held the psychic paper. It wasn't the sort of fight that would inflict damage on the other but more than anything looked frankly ridiculous.

After about forty seconds of this struggle of mostly wills, the Doctor found himself in situation he'd later upon reflection knew he should have seen coming. For one, he was a man and River had no problems using that to her advantage. On a second note, she loved learning things she could later show him, either for their mutual enjoyment or to embarrass or fluster him. So in all actuality he really (really) should have known better.

She gripped him. It drew out every last bit of breath from his body sharply but not in an unpleasantly painful way. Oh no. That would have probably been more acceptable really. Nope, this grip was designed for one purpose and that purpose it achieved beyond measure.

He let out a most undignified pleasure filled moan. He could hear it stream out of him and couldn't stop it.

"Sorry, sweetie. Just enjoy it," he heard her say in his ear, hot breath teasing the skin of his neck below his ear. Her hand still maintained its hold on him in a way he had never ever been able to fathom could have this effect.

Sparks flew behind his eye lids while his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Before reality around him faded into a blue endorphin filled haze, he heard Jack coughing and snorting at his predicament, and felt his tenacious hold on the psychic paper release.

That WOMAN!

He wasn't entirely certain how much time had passed or exactly how he had managed to be positioned properly in his seat; noticing as he sat up fully that his jacket wasn't on but instead slung over the back of their seat. He frowned trying for recall. One second that inappropriately bliss filled grip and the next he was blinking while Jack giggled in delight with his wife over whatever image she had called up on the psychic paper.

He was The Doctor, the oncoming storm, whole armies feared him. But did any of that matter with these two? Quite clearly, no. He was just someone to ogle and torment.

He huffed to himself, or more accurately, made a strangled harrumphing sound that was likely the most old man sounding noise he had made in his entire life.

"Someone's back with us," announced the cleverly observant ex friend.

When River turned to look at him, not a single shred of remorse could be found on her face. Not that he was expecting any. He knew her well enough to know that all was fair in love and ludicrous battles. His fault really. Rule 21.

"Feeling better , sweetie?"

"Hmmph." The Doctor pointedly looked away from her to pout and down the rest of his drink, already wishing he had another.
"I hate you!" He announced a moment later.

"No, you don't." He could hear the smile in her voice. "Otherwise you wouldn't let me get away with so much, therefore you obviously adore me."

Jack pushed a glass of water in front of him. "Drink. I think you could use it after the energy you just spent."

The Doctor took it, glowering at him, not at all clueless to what Jack was getting at. He was half tempted to point out that he didn't do any of that to himself, especially not in front of people in a bar of all places. The last thought had him sending a glare River's way, who only smiled at him sweetly.

"Well, Doctor, I got quite the 'slide show' while you recovered. I have to agree with your gorgeous wife; you were magnificent and the statues… Perfection. " Jack apparently didn't care that his permanent death was being plotted with every word he spoke.

"It's just a pity he can't 'wear' my favorite of his wardrobe every day. Well, I suppose he could with holographic clothing," River said thoughtfully.

Despite himself the Doctor responded, "I thought my suspenders and bow tie were your favorites."

"Oh yes, them too!"

Jack grinned at River. "Ah, now I know why you've been so drawn to me. " He winked, fingering his own suspenders in a very sensuous manner.

"Nothing says hot like a man in suspenders," River giggled but the Doctor knew she completely meant it. Which considering the fact he was often criticized for his wardrobe choices, it made him wonder about what it said for her sense of taste. Not that he had a problem with her wardrobe or her liking his, just that it was a bit confusing.

"Of course, I agree, but I do have to say I love a skinny man in a pinstripe suit." Jack's eyes fell to the Doctor and River cocked a brow.

"Pinstripe? Well, that is by far more promising than the fez."

"Oi!"

"Fez? He wore a fez? When?" Jack laughed.

River waved her hand. "No, he tried to add the fez to his wardrobe. Tried being the operative word."

"And you killed it!" The Doctor didn't mean to outburst , especially over head wear but he did happen to love the fez. And admittedly he still felt annoyed she was determined to prevent him from wearing anything on his head.

Jack howled with laughter. "He once admitted to me that he use to wear a stick of celery."

The Doctor frowned trying to remember when he had ever admitted to that. River chuckled. "Oh yes... have you been in the wardrobe? "

"Yes!" Jack gave an enthusiastic nod. "There was this clown thing, have you seen it?"

"Oh goodness yes!"

"And all those scarves!"

"I know!"

"Hey, I'm right here you know! Stop disparaging my wardrobe!"

River looked at him with sly amusement. "Oh, so you admit the clown suit was yours?"

He shook his head, perhaps a bit to vehemently. "No, that's not what I said."

Jack chuckled. "How could we be disparaging your wardrobe if the clown suit wasn't yours?"

"I meant my actual wardrobe," he huffed.

"Like the celery stick?" River asked.

He ignored that question. But apparently neither of them needed his involvement to continue.

River suddenly leaned towards Jack with excitement. "Oh, I had forgotten!"

"What?"

"Another disgraceful tale of nudity," she said with a quick raise of her eyebrows.

Jack leaned back with a long and indecent survey over the Doctor. "Please do tell! I have a lot of nights to get through."

River snickered. "This one involves a clothes thief and my mother."

"Riiver!" He didn't think he could handle getting through that story. Him dancing naked was one thing but anything involving Amelia?

"It's good, sweetie!"

He scowled at her. The entertainment value was not the point.

"Well," she began, clearly ignoring his protesting stare. "Traveling with my parents, we left the TARDIS to go shopping at this new out door mall on Bernie Prime. My father decided to do a little side shopping for my mother. So we had split, couldn't have been more than a few shops away from each other. "

Jack nodded. "Okay, so how did your clothes get stolen? I'm not detecting a skinny dipping element to this."

"Sorry Captain, when I said thief I should have said a mugger. "

"A mugging for clothes?" Jack asked incredulously. Glancing over at the Doctor for some sort of confirmation, he got his answer in the slump of the Time Lords shoulders.

"Yes and we weren't even there for more then 20 minutes. Some of the tiny shops go down smaller alleys and one caught Amy's attention. So she was a bit ahead of us and when we caught up to her it was to find a mugging already in progress. I could have shot the man right off and been done with it all but it was insisted I leave my blaster in the TARDIS." She said the last while giving him a dirty look.

"Sorry! I didn't trust we wouldn't end up in a cell again."

"That wasn't my fault."

"And how was I supposed to know they'd been having a string of muggings? "

Jack shook his head interrupting them. "Wait so... Why clothes?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Because you can't steal a riddle."

River elbowed him. "Be nice," she admonished. "Currency there is based on the riddle system."

"Riddles?"

"Yes, riddles. The harder the riddle the more value it has. For some reason this Jugarian decided our clothes were more appealing. Quite frankly none of it was going to fit him so I really don't know why but I suppose that's besides the point. " River shrugged. "So there we are forced to strip . It was amusing how my dearest love was trying to be ever so thoughtful of my mother. "

"You'd rather I hadn't?"

"Of course not but she had been a kiss-o-gram. Where do you think I get some of my personality from, dear? Amy is far from prudish."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have to deal with your father if I had seen her-" He waved his hand up and down before River wildly to indicate Amy. "Bits!"

Jack chuckled but kept quiet allowing this exchange to go on uninterrupted.

"True. You were in enough trouble for kissing her," she admitted.

"She kissed me!"

"And you kissed my father."

While Jack looked positively intrigued by the kiss-a-thon the Doctor was confused. "What? When?!"

"When you decided to romance Queen Nefertiti, apparently."

"If that's what Amy told you... That was not what happened! Took her on a trip that was all! And I don't remember - " He stopped as it hit him that he had kissed Rory in his excitement. "Oh."

River smirked at him in response before turning back to Jack. "So there we are with him insisting Amy strip behind him, which she really didn't mind with the view to be honest, and he refused to face either of us. "

"No, I refused to face your mother. You wouldn't leave her side. " The Doctor just wanted to curl into a ball, not at all wanting to remember with any detail the whole event. But one look at River and he knew she wasn't going to stop. She was too determined to get him to blush and bringing her mother into it was a really evil and effective way to do so.

River seemed to be able to read his thoughts for she leaned into him and trailed a finger across his cheek, slipping one of her hands into his under the table. "Just give in, sweetie," she whispered in his mind. His eyes glanced over at Jack who had a brow raised in question but no obvious inkling to the private word being passed on.

Out loud for their friends benefit she teased, "I love how you couldn't keep our bodies off your mind for one."

"What?!"

"Everything you said as we made our way back to the TARDIS was a double entendre."

He pulled his face and hand away from her touch. " It was not! You and Amy kept making everything I said out to mean something entirely different."

"That was all you. I can hardly be responsible for you saying things like 'Hold tight to my knob' or 'it will release when you rub it back and forth'!" She pointed out to his horror .

Jack finally did snort into his drink while the Doctor sputtered, "Now now! That's what it was called, it's a Knohb." He looked at Jack pleadingly. "I swiped this decorative cloth to cover us. It's called a knohb. K-N-O-H-B." He spelled it out which didn't make a dent in stopping Jack's laughter.

The Doctor turned back to River breathing in and out of his nose, striving to maintain control because he could see it in the twinkle of her eyes that she wasn't done. "And.. I was referring to the release from the tree. When we were squeezing passed the Tivian oil trees!"

"What about," River began, brushing her fingers once again over the inside of his thigh and across the front of his trousers, resting her hand lightly right on his far too stimulated, thanks to her, manhood. It reminded him of 'the grip', forcing him to close his eyes in order to cope with it all. To his surprise the intimate touch allowed her to pass another thought on to him. "Give in...I promise to make it all up to you later. "

He swallowed hard as she finished her sentence out loud for Jack. "When you were staring straight at me and said it would be a most enjoyable second coming ."

Oh, how he wanted to point out that he hadn't really worded it that way, nor implied at all what she meant but he knew. She would keep them coming. Every single accidental slip of his tongue until he relented. And it occurred to him that there were a few just before they got to the TARDIS that were really quite bad. He could still hear the two women cackling in his head.

With a great sigh he made his choice. Not because of her promise, which he did intend on making her keep, but because he seriously could not endure any more of the looks Jack was giving him. If the man waggled his brows one more time or winked, the Doctor was sure he was going to be sick.

So it was then, while Jack laughed heartily and River gave him a light squeeze that he sputtered in protest and finally blushed; allowing his biological system to do what it had been wanting to do for well over an hour and quite a few drinks ago. His skin didn't just creep into a light shade of pink but a brilliant hue of red, as if it had to make sure everyone in the establishment would see him. A blushing Time Lord beacon of embarrassment and gods she was going to owe him.

What he didn't expect, after finally allowing his wife to win, was for Jack to let out a victory cheer and to exchange a triumphant look with her.

Wait a second. River won. She made him blush! Not Jack.

He blinked at them and held up a finger to say something but nothing came to mind.

They both looked at him with curiosity, but his mind was racing, reviewing the night. While it was a tad slower than usual from drinking, it all began to click into place.

The way in which they bounced the jokes off each other; the lack of real competition in the story telling; how River had nonsensically and suggestively included her parents into a conversation and the exchanged looks between them.

It all added up and not at all to what he had believed the entire evening.

"You!" He pointed at Jack. "And you!" He pointed at River.

"Yes?" She asked with a singularly raised brow.

"You didn't... It wasn't... You weren't competing!" He accused.

"Yes, we were."

"No, you weren't!

"Oh, we most definitely were, just not with each other," she said softly, eyes never leaving his face as his darted back and forth between them.

"Oh... You!" He huffed with a growl as it truly sunk in.

They hadn't been competing with each other but competing together against him. Him! He had let them bait him, play him , abuse him, grope him and all because he had been too stubborn to blush?

For the love of all of the stars.

With something resembling a half growl and a snort, mixed a touch with a huff, the Doctor flew up from his seat and pointed a finger at each of them in turn before attempting to spin around. He almost collided with the nearby support beam as he did, only just managing to miss it.

"Sweetie..."

He heard her but pretended he didn't as he fixed his bowtie and held his still slightly red face high. Doing his best to march for the exit, he only weaved a tiny bit not that he admit to weaving at all.

Jack leaned back in his seat as he lost sight of the Doctor's practically tripping form. "That was fun and perhaps a little mean."

"He deserved it, trust me!" River laughed.

"Care to explain?" Jack asked, watching the way her curls moved as she laughed; understanding why the Doctor seemed to have an ongoing fascination with them.

She shook her head. "Far too many long stories, Jack. Besides, the fact he is far from innocent, he let us have our fun." Though obviously he hadn't completely realized the exact nature of that fun, but that was neither here nor there.

Jack had to admit she had a point. The Time Lord was a complex mix of wisdom and gullibility, age and naivety. Not to mention the Doctor wouldn't have put up with any of it unless he really hadn't minded. His gaze fell first on the Doctor's forgotten tweed jacket and then on the empty glass where the Time Lord had sat. "He didn't have a clue, did he?"

River glanced over at him. "Sorry, clue?"

He nodded at the glass. "Those are worse than hyper vodkas. "

River shook her head an amused smile playing at her lips. "I did try and tell him, but it was all 'superior biology ' and 'centuries of experience so no need to worry River'." She shrugged before lifting one of The Doctor's abandoned glasses, eyeing it. Funny how he didn't mind (even enjoyed) whiskey but give him a glass of wine and he could barely swallow it.

Jack chuckled. "Superior constitution, I'll grant him that, I've seen men pass out after just one and he walked away from this table after five." He gave a long whistle.

"I'm sure all that work to not blush helped," River commented dryly, sniffing the inside of the glass. She picked up a strong whiff of alien moon shine along with an extremely strong and pleasantly sweet smell. The latter explained why he had had so many: his gigantic sweet tooth. Of course having to get through the evening with them probably had something to do with him knocking them back as well.

Bless.

"So, Doctor Gorgeous, how much trouble will you be in for all our fun at his expense tonight?"

River chuckled. "Depends if he remembers and -" She picked up her drink tilting it slightly as she winked, adding, "If I'm very lucky he'll recall every damn word and deed and then thoroughly punish me. "

Jack raised a brow. "Our prudish Doctor enjoys that?"

"You have no idea!" River gave with a breathless sigh. "Behind closed doors with handcuffs..." She trailed off, smiling while biting her lower lip .

"Mmm, love to be a fly on that wall."

"Sorry, Captain Beautiful, but your imagination will have to do."

"Good thing mine can imagine so much." He returned with a smirk, after a moment of watching some of the other bar patrons he added, "We weren't really as bad as we could've been."

"Good gracious, no! If we had been, the bet would have been for 'How long till he passes out from shock' and over far too soon." She finished her drink and scooted out of the booth to stretch beside the table. "That man has no idea how many filthy jokes I know and I'm not sure he'd survive knowing either."

Giggling, Jack shook his head. "It's a pity you're taken by the superior and experienced bio lord and he isn't willing to share." He waggled his brows invitingly.

"Oh Jack," River leaned down giving him ample view of her cleavage. "The pity is in the fact there is unfortunately not a drink I can think of that would get him to allow you in our bed." She licked her lips slowly as her eyes grazed him over, appreciating his jawline. "A serious shame."

Jack's jaw just about dropped. He had believed she had just been teasing all that time. After a beat he grinned. "Well now I have a new mission, don't I?"

River tilted her head, face still only a mere few inches from his own, voice husky. "Oh?"

"Yes, to find that drink"

With a brazen grin, River took Jack's drink from his hand and finished it off. "If anyone can..."

Before he could reply, there was a crash from a nearby table breaking the moment between them; a moment that undoubtedly would have caused the Doctor to faint.

River straightened, picking up the Doctor's jacket, slipping the psychic paper into the pocket before glancing around. "Well, if I am to ensure my husband remembers any of tonight I should find him and make sure he's not stumbled himself into a situation. Something," she grinned at Jack. "He's so very good at."

Jack cleared his throat. "Yeah, he's always been good at that."

"Coming?"

Shaking his head Jack nodded towards the bar and several good looking patrons glancing their way. "No, I believe I have plans tonight."

River followed his gaze and chuckled. "Enjoy, see you in a couple of days Captain." She saluted with a wink.

Jack raised his now empty glass in goodbye, watching the sway of her hips in her form fitting blue jeans as she began to walk away. A thought suddenly hitting him he stood. "Oh, Doctor Song..."

River stopped and turned with a raised brow and that smirk that warmed his insides. "Yes?"

"You two meet out of order, yeah?"

"Mhmm." She confirmed, her face giving nothing away as to her thoughts.

"I get the feeling that we've met already." Before she could say anything he came to stand before her. Taking her hand as his eyes never left hers. "Or more accurately, you've met me before. And I think that means…" He brought her hand up to his lips to give a chaste kiss to her knuckles. "I find that drink."

She hummed in response, making his pulse beat a little faster. Like the Doctor, he noted she smelled intoxicating; of something he could only describe as time itself.

Her green eyes sparkled at him while a corner of her lips lifted slightly. She leaned forward, placing a hand on his chest, fingers tracing some sort of pattern into his shirt. Jack found his eyes unable to leave her face or help that his hands found their way to settle at her hips as she stood on her tip toes to whisper into his ear.

"Spoilers, Captain Beautiful." Pressing a soft electric kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Spoilers."

Comments are cookies. Love feedback!

(*¯︶¯*)

End Notes

At the time I wrote this Summer hadn't actually watched s5 and beyond so anything in this about River is what she already knew (got spoiled for her) anything else I just didn't touch. Referenced stuff she either already knew or i didn't feel gave to much away on anything non River related. I avoid serious issues on purpose. Her prompt was River and Jack having a contest to see who could make the Doctor blush, while he attempts not too. And thus this monster was born. I simply couldn't resist it and I have to say it helped distract from pain. Disclaimer - Character's behavior does not necessarily reflect my own or my actual view of them. As it is crack... and just naughty silliness. Besides you can't write Jack and River and not go there :p

at AO3 this is work - /1959069 by FWvidChick