How is my heart suppose to beat
How am i going to make it through
How is my heart suppose to beat
Without you

Robin woke up and looked at Barney. This had always been one of her favorite things in the world – watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful, so vulnerable, so fragile. Even back in his womanizing days, Barney's true inner self showed when he was asleep. She noticed the changes in his face since the last time they had shared a bed. His hair was a little bit longer and even fairer than before. There were some wrinkles here and there. But he was still her Barney. The same man whom she once thought she would spend her life with.

She felt him stir a little as he was waking up. He opened his eyes and uttered 'Good morning' with the little smile he used only when he was waking up. God, how she had missed it!

For a little while they just looked at each other, his hand still on her waist. Then Robin's phone rang and suddenly they were reminded that there was a whole world outside of that bed. And when Robin saw the name on the phone screen reality hit her hard.

"Hi!"

"Hey, honey! I called at home but you didn't pick up so I decided to try your cell. Where are you?"

She looked over at the now serious face of Barney and sighed.

"I'm at Barney's, Ted."

She could almost feel her husband's tension over the phone, feel his insecurities taking him over.

"At 8 AM? What are you doing there?"

"Look, I promise you we'll talk when you come back home, ok? But right now I really can't. Please, Ted, bear with me."

He stayed silent for some time, and then he sighed deeply.

"Robin, you do know I love you very much, right?"

"I do, Ted, of course I do. Tell Penny and Luke I said hi, okay?"

"Okay. We're coming home Sunday evening. But please, call me later today, ok?"

"Sure. Bye, Ted."

She hung up with a heavy heart. She knew she was hurting him. She knew how insecure he still was when it came down to Barney and her history with him; she knew how dependent her current husband was on her. But there was nothing she could've done, was there?

"You should go home, call him and assure him he has nothing to worry about."

Barney's voice was even, cold and somehow bitter. He was hurting, she could tell.

"No, Barney, I am not going anywhere. You and me are now going to get breakfast, you are gonna tell me everything and then we will talk about what this all means. Yes, I know the two of us have never been the talking, touchy-feely type, but damn it, we will talk now. And I am staying with you as long as possible."

"Robin, Ted is your husband and he…"

"Doesn't have a say in this. Neither do you. I am not leaving you."

At that moment he looked at her and his eyes were so intense she could barely breathe. It was like his eyes pierced through her and went right through her heart. But even that wasn't going to make her bend. And he knew it, to be honest. So he just sat up and asked her if she wanted cereal or pancakes.

They made breakfast and ate in silence. And then they finally talked. He told her that after his mother's death he had been crushed and terrified. He thought about the fact that Ellie only had him in the world and about what would happen to her if something was to happen to him. So he decided to take better care of himself. He went to see his doctor for what he thought would be only routine check – up. But the doctor found a suspicious mole and sent him for scans, tests, the whole 9 yards. Barney explained how surprised he was because he expected to get perhaps a vitamin prescription, but instead he ended up being sent to the best oncologist in New York.

"When I saw the way that man looked at my results and scans, I just knew, you know? I knew I was dying. But still, when I heard him say it, I said I needed to be sure. He recommended another oncologist in Minnesota. So I went to Mayo. And the doctor there had the very same look. With the same apologetic face he told me that this type of cancer is extremely aggressive and that it had already spread too far, that surgery is too high of a risk to take with very small chances of any positive result, that chemo will only give me a few more months. And I just laughed. He looked at me like he thought I was crazy. I probably really looked nuts, to be honest – they had just told me I have less than 6 months to live and there I sat, laughing hysterically. Because it was freaking ironic. When there was no real point of my existence on this Earth, because all I was doing was banging bimbos, lying and not carrying about anything, I was as healthy as a stud, despite the sleepless nights, the cigars, the alcohol, the reckless one night stands. And now when I have finally done something great in this world with creating and raising Ellie, when I have finally changed for real, when I drink a tiny glass of scotch 2-3 times a year, when I don't smoke, when I eat healthy, when I have a beautiful, amazing daughter to look after, a daughter who has no one else – now I am dying. So I laughed and laughed. But when I got on that plane back to New York and I saw a young engaged couple and the girl said 'I just wish my dad could walk me down the aisle, the wedding just won't be perfect without him' I realized I am leaving Ellie an orphan. She has no mother, she just lost her grandmother and now she is going to lose me and she is left all alone in this world. Sure, there is James, but he and Tom have their own life, their own kids, and Ellie, as much as they adore her, is their niece, not their daughter. They are her cool uncles. But a girl needs her parents. She needs her dad. And now, I will leave her an orphan. And I hate myself for that."

By the end his voice was shaking and Robin could tell this was wrecking him completely. And it made her own her heart break even more. So she made no effort to stop the tears.

"Barney, it is not your fault."

"I know that, Robin. I do. But I hate myself never less – for leaving her orphan, for not going to be there when she needs me. And… I am scared, Scherbatsky."

"What of?" she asked him softly.

"What comes after – whether there actually is something after, if there is, what it is. I know it is stupid but…"

"It isn't stupid, Barney. It's natural. But… It's too early! It's too damn early for you to have to think about this! Barney, you have to see another doctor, you have to do chemo…"

He put his hands on her face to interrupt her, looked in her teary eyes and smiled slightly.

"You have to accept it, Robin."

"What if I don't want to, Barney? What if I can't?"

"Robin, you are married to Ted."

"Don't make this about Ted…"

"But it is, Robin! After so many years, the two of you ended up together. You both went through hell – breaking up, him dating the wrong one again and again, you being disappointer or hurt so many times, him pinning for you for years, us being on-again off-again in that time, then us getting married, Ted meeting Tracy, then we getting divorced and him losing the mother of kids, his wife… And after all that crap, you two got together again and you built a life. And that does matter, Robin."

"I am not saying it doesn't, Barney! But don't say what is happening to you doesn't concern me, Barney. Because divorced or not, me married to Ted or not, you are still YOU and I am still ME!"

"Yes, but it doesn't mean we are US. We can't be!"

"Barney, please, drop it. Right now is about you. And I want you to fight, Stinson. Please."

"Robin…"

"No, please, hear me out. I do know why you've made that choice. I know you, Barney. I know that living a poor life for you is worse than not living. I know that you want Ellie to remember you smiling and strong instead of half-awake and tied to machines. I know that you don't want to burden those around you with seeing you so sick you don't seem like yourself."

"Then why are we having this conversation, Scherbatsky?" Barney asked raising his voice.

"Because I am selfish, Barney! Because I want each and every extra moment I can spend with you! Because your friends will want the same. Because your brother, your daughter will want the same. And because you owe it to all the people who care about you to try. If it doesn't work, it doesn't – at least you tried. But what if it does work?"

"It WON'T work, Robin! Not this time. It is too late. Don't you think I want to have hope? Damn right, I wish there was at least a glimpse of light in the end of the runnel. But there isn't Scherbatsky. And I owe it to Ellie, to my brother, to all of you, to myself, to at least go with dignity, and not peeing myself and having some of you change my diapers because I am too weak from puking to do it. Come on, Robin, you know me. You do realize what that kind of life will be for me, right? "

And she did. She knew that the moment someone would have had to take care of him in such a way, he'd already be dead. Because he was Barney Stinson. God, how much she hated him for those stuff! Almost as much as she loved him for those very same things.

"I… I don't know how I will live knowing you are gone. How I will go on in a world where you don't exist. How the gang will get together, knowing you are never gonna show up again. How I will go to sleep knowing I will only ever be seeing you in my dreams."

He sighed and tenderly wiped the tears from her cheeks. Then he pulled her in a hug and whispered in her year:

"You guys will still be as awesome as ever, maybe even more. You will miss me, but every time you get together it will be easier. At first you won't know how to talk about me, then you will start making jokes or saying 'Imagine what Barney would say if he was here'. It will get easier."

Robin slightly pulled away from his arms, looked him in the eyes, then laid her head on his shoulder.

"Maybe for them, Barney. But not for me. And you know it. And you also know why, you idiot."

"I love you too, Robin."