Just so you guys know, this is just a funny little idea I had a few days ago. I'll continue it if you guys want, It all depends on your opinions.

Once upon a time, in the map known as Derpenburg, a beast rises from the premium shops... Yeah, definitely not the sea, I mean, this isn't World of Warships people. (If that game would just come out already...)

She is the pride of the Royal Navy, a TOG II* class land battleship known among her valiant crew as "The HMS Togtanic." Little does her inexperienced crew know, premium does not equal victory...

Commander: "Steady as she goes helmsman, steady as she goes."

Driver: "Aye aye captain, erm, commander. Say, where exactly are we going sir?"

Commander: "Wherever the targets are, young helmsman! This vessel is the pride of the land fleet, and we must test her fighting capabilities!"

The great machine steams on, when suddenly a shape appears on the horizon.

Commander: "Smoke on the horizon! Change course to intercept! Bring her to course 280!"

Driver: "Course 280 aye, sir!"

Commander: "Flank speed! Boilers at full steam! Gunner, identify the target!"

The gunner flips through his identification charts, and identifies the enemy tank as a Panzer IV Schmalturm. The engines increase to maximum pressure, bringing the Togtanic to an "impressive" speed of 15 kilometers per hour.

Gunner: "Target identified as a Panzer IV Schmallturm, sir! A tier six premium like us!"

Commander: "A dirty Hun? BATTLE STATIONS!"

The crew scrambles to their positions, the loader loads a 77mm AP round, and the commander battens down the hatches. The Pz IV S. spots the TOG coming towards her, and takes action.

Panzer Commander: "Is zhat a TOG II? HA! I laugh at you, Tommie swine!"

Panzer Radioman: "Sir, should I call for assistance?"

Panzer Commander: "No! Ve shall fight ze cowards alone! Loader, ready an AP round. Driver, put us onto an intercept course."

Panzer Driver: "Jawhol!"

Panzer Gunner: "Distance from target, 200 meters! May I suggest long range fire?"

Panzer Commander: "Nien! We will engage the pathetic Brit at close range!"

The German tank closes the range, heading straight towards the Togtanic. Meanwhile, our valiant heroes prepare for combat.

Commander: "Gunner, fire a warning shot across her bow!"

Gunner: "Aye sir! Warning shot leaving the barrel!"

A shell flies out of the barrel, landing just in front of the enemy tank. The Panzer continues on, not phased by the TOG's impressive display.

Gunner: "Sir, the Hun is not responding! In fact, he's getting closer!

Commander: "Driver, hard to starboard! Give us a narrow profile!"

Driver: "Aye sir!"

The great vessel heels to starboard, displaying less of a target for the German tank. But will it work?

Panzer Commander: "Gunner, open fire on ze Tommie!"

The Panzer stops in it's tracks (pun intended), and fires a shell at the TOG. The shell penetrates her fronal armor, but does little damage.

Commander: "AGH! Damage control get up here!"

A scrawny little man crawls out of the back of the tank, and rushes up to the location of the impact. He then takes a roll of duct tape out of his back pocket, and tapes the hole closed.

Damage Control: "The damage is repaired sir! We are back in action!"

Commander: "Excellent! Gunner, permission to rapid fire is granted!"

The 77mm gun shoots five shots in rapid succession, slamming the Panzer four times in the hull. The enemy tank stops dead, and the crew face chaos inside.

Panzer Commander: "Damage report!"

Panzer Loader: "Ze tracks are destroyed, ze driver is wounded, and ze fuel tank is hit!"

Panzer Commander: "Then heal ze driver, and repair ze tracks!"

Panzer Radioman: "Nien! I said you should pick some consumables, but nooooo, you said zhat Wargaming made zhem too expensive!"

Panzer Commander: "Zhen set ze scuttling charges! Ve shall not go down by his means!"

The Panzer crew races to set the self destruct mechanism, and finish in record time. The TOG comes closer, and comes to a full stop about 20 meters from the Panzer.

Commander: "Radioman, send the Huns a message inviting them to surrender. Prepare a killshot in case they try anything funny."

Radioman: "Aye sir! Ahem, ATTENTION DIRTY ROTTEN HUNS, WE ARE GIVING YOU THE OPTION TO SURRENDER. COME OUT WITH YOUR HAND UP, OR WE WILL KILL YOU. THEN AGAIN, WHEN WE BRING YOU TO THE POW CAMP, YOU WILL STILL PROBABLY DIE. WELL, YOUR CHOICE!"

The Panzer crew hears the message, and makes up their mind.

Panzer Commander: "Radioman, put me on the channel with zhem!"

Panzer Radioman: "Yes sir! Here you are."

Panzer Commander: "NEVER TOMMIES! I HAVE SET ZE SCUTTLING CHARGES! YOU SHALL NEVER HAVE US!"

Meanwhile on the marvelous HMS TOG…

Commander: "Gunner, permission to fire granted. Let's blow the Hun!"

The gunner repeatedly fires, and reduces the Panzer to a burning wreck before the Germans have the chance to scuttle.

Commander: "Jolly good show everyone! Helmsman, make steam to the garage for repairs."

Driver: "Aye sir! All ahead standard, bringing us onto course 170!"

The day has been won, and our valiant heroes return to their garage, so they can get ready for whatever adventures they shall encounter.

Now, back to compulsively checking the World of Warships News page…