Disclaimer

(Alexander Anderson): "The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT and their respective franchises are the property of Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Koura Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Dragon Ball Z Abridged and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged are the property of TeamFourStar and Takahata101. Please support the official and unofficial release, ya Protestant fuckbucket."

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Chapter 3: My Bloody Valentines

Headquarters of the Hellsing Organization

Planet Earth, Hellsing Universe, 2006

"Hello, Alucard," Integra said over the phone. "How was your mission in Japan?"

"Eh, I'd say ninety-nine… point-nine… percent done," Alucard replied casually. "'Sup, bitch?"

Vegeta smirked, remembering that the vampire had elected to leave one ghoul alive just for the fun of it.

Of course, Vegeta's blowing up half a dozen blocks of Tokyo real estate, both as a way to eliminate the ghouls and "relieve tension", had also been irresponsible, and a tad extreme... which was why their team had made a collective decision to pass it off as a gas leak.

"I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today," Integra continued.

"Are they hookers?" Alucard asked immediately.

"No."

"And like that, you've lost me."

"They're our financial suppliers," she explained.

Alucard grinned. "Oh, man, they have to hate us."

"They do," Integra confirmed. "That's why they cancelled our budget."

"Oh, great," Vegeta muttered.

"Oooh, that's bad," Alucard observed. "We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right?"

"Yes, very important," Walter replied promptly.

"Thank you, Walter."

"Of course, sir."

"Over the last couple of years," Integra continued, "we've had some… expensive claims."

Alucard raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"First off, property damage."

Vegeta raised an eyebrow in Piccolo's direction, reminding the Namekian of the time a couple of weeks ago when he'd blown up a sizable portion of Paris to take out a swarm of zombies. Piccolo made a point of looking away.

"Good times," Alucard reflected.

"Dozens of noise complaints."

Alucard grinned, pressing a button on the boombox next to him and filling the air with blasting metal music. Trunks and Piccolo flinched, clapping their hands over their ears.

"Sorry, I can't hear you!" Alucard called over the music. He nodded to Seras, who switched off the music.

"Killing at least a dozen innocent people."

"Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it," Alucard shot back. This time, he actually sounded irritated.

"And…" Integra paused. "All of the sexual harassment."

All eyes turned to Alucard.

"…I'm not apologizing."

"Listen," Integra continued, "I know this is asking a lot, but…"

"Buuuut?" Alucard trailed off meaningfully, grinning.

"I need you to keep yourself and your friends locked in the basement until all of them are gone."

He frowned. "I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me."

"Alucard…"

"I'm gonna go with no."

"This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene!"

"I don't have to take this: I'm going for a walk."

Vegeta burst out laughing.

"No, you don't!" Integra snapped.

Alucard raised an eyebrow. "Oh, what are you gonna do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael Mc-Doesn'tExist?"

After a moment, she sighed. "What do you want?"

"What?" Alucard smirked, acknowledging his victory.

"What... do I need to give you... to keep you down here for the evening?"

The vampire considered for a moment, tapping one index finger against his chin. "I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the Police Girl."

"But I already have a gun," Seras protested.

"Get that bitch a cannon. Bitches love cannons."

Vegeta grinned. "Agreed."

"Anything else?" Integra asked sarcastically.

"A seventy-inch plasma widescreen TV."

"Really?"

"With Netflix."

"Should it also be 3D?"

"No, that's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!" Alucard snapped, and slammed down the phone. He glanced up, seeing the startled expressions on the others' faces, and shrugged. "What? It totally is."

.

"Hello, gentlemen," Integra greeted the circle of businessmen gathered around the round conference table. "Thank you very much for accepting my invitation."

"Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do," Sir Penward, vice admiral of the British Security Council, replied.

Integra nodded. "Now, before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the queen."

"Oh, it is," another man, this one wearing gloves, answered. "But we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses."

"Most of them under the name... Alucard?" Penward added.

She inhaled deeply. "...Continue."

"For example," the second speaker continued, "some of them were frankly labeled 'entertainment'."

"Entertainment."

"Quite." One of the younger council members raised an eyebrow as he scanned his notes. "Like, in my report, twenty thousand for a... candy?"

"That's Candi with an I, by the way," an older man added.

"I see." Integra really didn't have anything to say to that.

"Not to mention the priceless antique car," the man wearing gloves said. "I believe the note on the claim was, 'I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it.'"

She blinked. "So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen."

"And then there's also the Dairy Queen," Penward spoke up, "sitting at about ninety-five thousand..."

Integra's only thought was, I would give fucking anything right now to get out of this.

.

"And halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!" Jan Valentine exclaimed.

"I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you," his older brother Luke muttered as they walked down the long, tree-lined driveway leading towards the Hellsing estate.

"I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?"

"For God's sakes, Jan, think of Mother!" Luke pleaded.

Jan paused for a moment. "I ain't jerkin' off right now," he replied casually.

"Oi, you two!" one of the two security guards outside the front gate called out. "The grounds are currently closed!"

"Aw, man, that totally sucks!" Jan pouted. "And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!" He pointed back over his shoulder, just as a large blue tour bus pulled up behind them, side-on to the gate.

"Where from?" the guard inquired.

As Jan grinned, the barrels of dozens of assault rifles emerged from open slits in the sides of the bus.

"Texas." With that, Jan snapped his fingers, and all of the rifles opened fire simultaneously. The hail of bullets practically shredded the two guards, as well as the gate behind them.

After about ten seconds of firing, the smoke cleared, and the Valentine brothers surveyed the wrecked gates with satisfaction.

"Ah, shit," Jan remarked with a grin. "Looks like we need more prayer in schools."

"If you're quite finished," Luke interrupted, "ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion."

"Alrighty!" Jan chuckled. "Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order!" At his command, the bus's doors exploded outwards, and a column of men with body armor and glowing purple eyes, carrying assault rifles and large metal riot shields, filed out through the empty spaces where they'd been.

Then, on the heels of the army of ghouls, five hooded figures exited the bus. One was short, no more than four feet tall: the others were all at least six feet in height.

"Are we prepared?" the short figure asked, in a high-pitched, grating voice.

"Yep," Jan replied carelessly. "All systems are go!"

Luke glanced over at their "partners" for this mission. "You understand your mission?"

"Of course I do," the leader snapped. "Do you take me for a fool, creature? I understand my part in this plan perfectly well. Now, let us get on with this."

"Sounds good to me!" Jan commented. "I'm gettin' tired of standing around." Grinning, he was handed a pair of large sniper rifles by two of the ghouls, and hoisted them into the air. "Now listen up! I've got a class assignment for all y'all."

.

"...and while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again!" one of the council members was saying.

Integra sighed, leaning on the palm of her hand. She lifted her head when the lights in the conference room flickered.

The council members noticed as well. "That's funny," Penward observed. "We weren't cutting the power just yet."

"Oh, shit," Integra muttered, reaching for the phone and pressing a button to call up the front desk. "Front desk, report. What's going on?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, hold on," a bored-sounding male voice answered. "Just gimme a second." The sounds of footsteps reached her ears, first growing fainter, then louder again. Then he added, "Oh, yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely, definitely ghou... OHMYGOD!"

There was a snarl, and the line went dead.

Sir Penward's eyes widened in horror. "Sir Integra, do something!"

"Calm down!" Integra ordered. "We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have everything under control."

A dulled explosion reached their ears: the lights flickered again, and some dust fell from the ceiling.

One of the councilors blinked. "What was that?"

"That was probably the escape chopper exploding," Integra said flatly. "As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update." She pressed another button on her computer. "Communications, come in. We need a full report..." The sound of crying cut her off.

"Read the fuckin' paper," a male voice ordered.

Oh, shit, Integra thought.

"H-Hey there... Integra..."

"Read it fuckin' right, cockhole!" There was the sound of a slap.

"H-Hey there, you... fat... English whore..." More crying.

"That's more like it. Now keep going."

"Me... and my big brother Luke... are killing... all of your men, and turning them... into ghouls. So... I hope you've... made peace... with yourself... 'cause when... I find you... I'm gonna... Oh, god..."

"Keep reading, or I shoot the other testicle!"

"CausewhenIfindyou I'm gonna fuck every hole you've goooot!" the man sobbed. "And then I'm just gonna keep making more holes to fuck... until there's nothing left but your ruined corpse full of blood... and semen..." He kept crying. "Oh, god, this is horrible..."

"You ain't finished yet!"

"So... prepare... your dried-up pussy... for my huge vampire cock!" He paused. "Now... pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO–" The sound of a gunshot cut him off.

"Hahahaha! Oh, his fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Hehehehe! Oh, that shit is priceless!" With a click, the other guy hung up the phone.

The only thought that entered Integra's mind at that moment, laced with absolute hatred, was, I am going to personally kill this God-forsaken son of a bitch. And I will make it slow and painful.

She obviously didn't say that, of course: she had to keep up appearances. Instead, she immediately switched over to the line connected to Alucard's telephone. "Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor–"

"See, I'm gonna have to stop you riiight there," Alucard interrupted her. "You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss – who is a total bitch, by the way – that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that."

Integra glared venomously at the phone. "Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will–"

"Sounds great. But I'm gonna have to go now: I just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Bye!"

"I love this show!" Vegeta commented in the background.

Music played. "Adventure Time: c'mon, grab your friends–"

With a click and a beep, the phone went dead.

Integra's eyes narrowed, and she switched over to another line. "WALTER!"

.

Luke Valentine, followed by the short hooded figure, strolled nonchalantly down the long stone corridor. A group of Hellsing guards were arranged in formation around the secret entrance to Alucard's lair, under orders to keep anyone from entering.

"Allow me," the hooded figure said calmly, brushing past Luke.

"Whatever you say," Luke replied, drawing a long silver blade from his sleeve just in case.

The hooded figure walked forward, coming into sight of the guards. They hurriedly raised their guns, but before they could fire, the hooded figure pulled both arms back and swung them forward, unleashing an invisible wave of force. The telekinetic blast slammed into the guards, catapulting them backwards and crushing their bones and internal organs. Blood spurted from their eyes, ears, noses and mouths, and they tumbled to a halt, dead.

"Impressive," Luke commented.

"Compliments will get you nowhere with me, vampire," the hooded figure said. "Now let us continue: we have a vampire and a Saiyan to kill."

Abruptly, Luke's phone rang. He answered it. "Hello?"

"So, how's my favorite big brother doin'?" Jan inquired.

"Oh, you know: we just killed a group of guards."

"Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at?" The younger vampire paused. "Nah, don't tell me. I'm winnin'."

"They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs," Luke explained. He raised an eyebrow. "Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it."

"Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys! Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! C'mere, ghoul!"

There was a rasping groan from one of the ghouls, and the phone cut off.

"Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." Luke smiled thinly, pushing on a section of the rock wall where the guards had been standing. The rock moved, revealing a doorway set into the wall, leading to a long downward flight of stone stairs.

"After you," the hooded figure said casually, waving one hand towards the stairs. Somewhat reluctantly, Luke led the way down the stairs, into darkness.

.

"All right," Integra said, having regained some of her composure. "Walter and his assistant should be here any second now."

"But if there's no way upstairs, how are they going to–" Penward was cut off as an air vent cover hit him on the top of his head, followed quickly by Seras. The impact toppled his chair over backwards, as Walter also dropped through the open vent. He landed lightly on the palms of his hands with a cheery "Tally-ho!" and hopped off the table, landing nimbly on his feet.

"Good to see you, Walter," Integra greeted him casually, as Piccolo and Trunks also dropped feetfirst through the vent one by one, landing on their feet.

"Of course, sir." Noticing that she was taking out a fresh cigar, Walter promptly held out a lighter.

"The first two floors have been entirely overrun," Integra explained as she lit her cigar. "Communications with the outside have been cut off, we've lost all our men, and Alucard is being…"

"Alucard?"

"A total ass, yes. Now, tell me…" She raised an eyebrow. "Do you have any plans?"

"Of course, sir," Walter replied matter-of-factly. "I shall do exactly as the butler does…" He raised one hand, revealing that gleaming blue wires were hanging from the fingertips of his gloves. "…and tidy up."

.

"I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck," Jan Valentine chanted as he led his army of ghouls through the mansion's corridors. "I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. Now if I gave a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a–"

There was a flash of movement, a gleam of blue and silver, and the first row of ghouls behind him were instantly sliced apart with so much speed and force that they practically exploded in gouts of blood.

Jan blinked. "…Fuck was that?"

"Hello." Walter, who had been standing at the other end of the corridor, strode forward towards the vampires, showing absolutely no fear. The garrote wires trailing from his gloves flicked about around him, glinting whenever one of them caught the light. "My name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler for the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash." He adjusted one of his gloves. "And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself."

"I like him," Piccolo commented from around the corner at the end of the hall.

"Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy?" Jan shot back. "But guess what, Jeeves?" He snapped his fingers, and another row of ghouls marched forward, passing on either side of him and placing their oversized shields together to form a barrier. "That garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? How thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick. So, thick enough that you'd need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it! And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass."

Walter smiled faintly. "Police Girl, if you may?"

Seras, who was lying on the floor at the end of the hallway, grinned, propping herself up on her elbows as she gazed down the barrel of the massive gun that Alucard had requisitioned for her. "Bitches love cannons!"

The gun fired, a deafening thunderclap filling the hallway, as a massive projectile shot out of the barrel and smashed through the mass of ghouls like a hammer.

"Oh, fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle," Jan observed, before repeating, "Oh, fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle!"

Seras's only response was to fire again, taking out a dozen more ghouls.

Simultaneously, Piccolo and Trunks leaped out from around the corner, streaking past Walter and cannoning into the mass of ghouls. Trunks drew the glowing blue sword he'd taken from Anderson, carving through the throng and hacking the zombies' bodies apart with ease. Piccolo, by contrast, didn't seem to want any of the ghouls to touch him, so he simply kept leaping around the hallway, jumping from wall to ceiling to wall again as he kept firing energy blasts at the ghouls, blowing them apart.

In total, it took about thirty seconds for Trunks and Piccolo to turn the entire army of armored ghouls into a mass of shredded corpses.

Walter stared in shock at the carnage as both fighters landed lightly in front of him. "Who the hell are you people?" he managed, still in his normal tone.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Piccolo replied casually.

.

Alucard and Vegeta sat in two armchairs, watching the latest episode of Adventure Time on Alucard's new TV. Having never seen this show before, Vegeta was actually enjoying himself quite a lot. They were both laughing uproariously while they traded stories about their various exploits.

"So, let me get this straight," Alucard asked with a chuckle. "You saved the planet from an evil dictatorship… and then you blew the whole planet up?"

"Yep," Vegeta confirmed with his patented smirk.

"Classic." The vampire grinned.

"While we're on the subject," Vegeta replied, "you did what to a mime in Paris?"

Alucard's attention, however, had shifted to the TV. "Shhh! The next episode's starting!"

A few minutes later, the pair were laughing at the top of their lungs, thoroughly enjoying the show.

At least, up until the TV and the wall behind it abruptly exploded with a deafening thunderclap.

"Oh, what the shit?!" Vegeta yelled, jumping to his feet as two figures stepped through the gaping hole in the wall. "You do know the door is literally right over there, right?!"

Alucard's reaction was much more restrained. His eyes, glowing red behind his sunglasses, fixed on the two intruders. "That... was a seventy-inch... plasma widescreen TV," he said slowly, before taking a deep breath and grinning. "So, how can I help you?"

"You must be the great Alucard," said the taller of the new arrivals, a pale man with bright green eyes, long blonde hair, and a white trenchcoat.

Alucard nodded. "Suuuup?"

The other man nodded. "I've heard quite a lot about you."

The reclining vampire raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Inwardly, Alucard's first thought was, Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. A fanboy.

The blonde man smiled. "The Nightwalker, who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself-"

"Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!" Alucard cut him off.

The other man frowned. "Ex...cuse you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Alucard chuckled. "I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick."

The blonde sighed. "Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine."

"And I'm Carmen Sandiego," Alucard replied promptly. "Guess where I am!"

Vegeta, meanwhile, had been trying to sense the ki of the short hooded figure that had entered the room behind Luke. He couldn't sense much, but it was already apparent that this one was much stronger than he looked.

"So, who's your friend?" he asked casually, before Luke could continue his argument with Alucard.

"I require no introduction from this pathetic worm," the short, hooded figure replied in a high-pitched, grating voice. "I shall introduce myself in my own fashion." He chuckled, throwing his hood back to reveal a demonic-looking visage with pale blue skin, pointed ears, oversized eyes, pointed teeth, and a crazed grin.

Vegeta frowned. "And what the hell are you supposed to be?"

"Oh, I am no mere mortal, you fool," the short man cackled. "I am an immortal demon, returned from the wretched void known as the Dead Zone to claim my vengeance on this world! And I will start by destroying you!" He sneered. "I am the destroyer of your world, filthy Saiyan! I am the terrible, the invincible, the monstrous... Garlic Junior!"

Vegeta stared at the little man for a long moment.

And then he burst out laughing, almost doubling over in hysterics. "Ahahahahahaha! Oh, that is priceless!"

Garlic Junior's eyes narrowed. "I see a demonstration is in order... very well. Behold my power!" With a snarl that rapidly became a deep-toned roar, his body burst outwards, growing from a four-foot-tall, pale blue midget into a muscular giant with dark green skin and bulging muscles. His cloak was discarded, no longer necessary.

Rubbing the tears of laughter out of his eyes, Vegeta grinned, taking in his opponent. "Well, this should be fun."

Garlic snarled. "Are you mocking-" He was interrupted as Vegeta's fist connected with his face, launching him backwards across the room. Both fighters raced off into the far reaches of the immense room, continuing their battle elsewhere.

Left behind, Alucard and Luke stared after them for a moment, before turning back to each other.

"Twenty bucks on Vegeta," Alucard commented.

"Do you mind?!" Luke snapped. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here!"

"Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated." Alucard's smile faded. "Because this blonde little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my seventy-inch, plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father."

In a blur of movement, Luke drew a gun and held it to Alucard's forehead, only to find that the other vampire had placed his own gun against Luke's forehead as well.

Alucard's eyes narrowed. "Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?"

Both guns fired simultaneously.

.

Seras tackled Jan, pinning him to the floor with his left arm pinned behind his back. "Armbars everywhere!" she shouted, holding him firmly.

"That's quite impressive," Walter complimented her. "Where did you learn that hold?" He was standing over her, gazing down coolly at Jan: Piccolo and Trunks were leaning against the wall behind him, trying to avoid all the blood from the ghouls they had killed.

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a Police Girl or something!"

"Sarcasm is unbecoming of you."

Jan chose that moment to speak up. "Wow, gee willikers, mister, I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all of your guards and tearin' up your mansion! I promise, I've learned my less–" Walter promptly stomped on his hand, eliciting a strangled gasp of pain. "Ah, fuck, take a joke, asshole!"

"And everything you say just pisses me off!" Walter snapped. "Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know."

"All right, all right!" Jan replied. "What you do is, you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra... and it'll help you go fuck yourself!"

A growl rumbled in Walter's throat, and his fingers flexed, the shining threads of the razor wire glinting in the light as they moved.

Suddenly, a chorus of snarls ripped through the hallway, and Walter's eyes widened. Seras hesitated, and Jan seized the opportunity, kicking her and knocking her far enough away that he was able to twist out of her hold. He backflipped away from them, landing about thirty feet back down the hall, just as the darkened hallway behind him filled with shambling shapes, all of them with the glowing purple eyes of ghouls.

"And now for the upcoming company picnic!" Jan announced, bowing. "Unfortunately, all your douchebag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad, if you ask me. And, for the spice on top..." He snapped his fingers, and four tall, hooded figures emerged from among the mass of newly turned ghouls. They threw off their cloaks, revealing brightly colored outfits, pointed teeth and claws, and completely ridiculous hairstyles. More importantly, all four of them had a significant level of ki.

"No way," Piccolo muttered under his breath.

Trunks frowned. "What? Who are those guys?"

"Not sure: but if I'm right, we've got a problem."

Oh, great, Kami's voice commented in Piccolo's mind. This can't be Garlic Junior: it's not possible!

Well, if they are linked to him, we should probably deal with them just to be safe, Piccolo reasoned.

I hear that, Nail added, also in Piccolo's mind.

"Trunks," Piccolo ordered, "you're with me. We'll take those four." He glanced to Walter. "Can you two handle the rest?"

Walter smiled fractionally. "Of course, sir."

"Great." With that, Piccolo and Trunks vanished in a blur of super speed, clashing with the four demons at the other end of the hallway with a resounding series of impacts. Trunks kicked one of the demons through a wall and leapt after it, with a second one in pursuit, while Piccolo grabbed the other two by their throats and smashed straight through the ceiling, taking their battle elsewhere.

"Well, at least those two're out of the way," Jan commented. He grinned. "Now, if'n you don't mind, I'mma go eat that Hellsing bitch!" He charged, leaping into the air and flipping over Walter's head, heading toward the doors to the conference room.

However, Walter reacted fast enough to intercept him, lashing out with his deadly garrote wires and whipping several of them around Jan's right arm. "I've got your arm!" he snapped, yanking on the wires to pull the vampire back.

"So shove it up your ass! Ahahahahaha!" Jan exclaimed gleefully, yanking against the wires with so much force that his entire arm was torn off at the elbow, blood spraying from the stump but not slowing him down. He reached the other end of the corridor within seconds and burst through the doors… only to skid to a halt at the sight of Integra and the entire council, each with a pistol trained on him.

"Well, that's not fair at all," he muttered.

"I'm sorry," Integra shot back. "We don't give a fuck."

And, as he was riddled with bullets, Jan Valentine cut loose with the longest and most disgusting string of curse words that Integra had ever heard. He didn't stop yelling until about twenty seconds later, after about a hundred bullets had torn into him and he finally staggered back into the hall before collapsing.

"…Fuck," he managed, spitting blood. "Where the fuck did my ghouls go?"

"Oh, they've been dealt with," Walter informed him coolly. He glanced back down the hallway to where Seras was viciously tearing through the mass of ghouls, her eyes blazing red and a wicked grin on her face as she fought.

Abruptly, with a resounding crash, one of the weirdly-attired demons crashed through the wall into the corridor. It was followed by Trunks, who landed a jump-kick that sent it tumbling down the hallway towards the conference room doors. The creature snarled, rolling over and preparing to attack. At the same time, the second demon burst through the wall next to its compatriot and lunged at Trunks.

Trunks's eyes narrowed, and he leapt forwards to meet them. There was a flash of blue light, and the three of them landed on their feet, facing away from each other.

For a long moment, nobody moved.

"Very impressive," Walter remarked – he was the only one of the group in the conference room with fast enough reflexes to have caught a glimpse of what had just happened.

Integra frowned. "What… what just happened?"

"Give it a second," Trunks replied, wiping a smear of blood off the glowing blue blade of his sword. He sheathed the sword: as the weapon's hilt clicked against the scabbard slung over his back, both demons collapsed, dead.

Integra's eyes widened in shock. Oh, we are definitely keeping this lot on the payroll, she thought.

A series of loud crashes echoed from above, and Piccolo smashed down through the ceiling into the hallway, accompanied by the body of one of the two demons he had been fighting. Even as he landed in the corridor, he fired a ki blast from one hand, blasting the demon through the adjacent wall. It didn't try to get up.

"Well, that was easy," he commented.

"Uh… what happened to the other one you were fighting?" Trunks inquired.

"It died," Piccolo answered offhandedly.

Jan, meanwhile, had been staring in shock as his most powerful allies were tossed around like rag dolls. "Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner," he muttered to himself as he slumped against the wall of the corridor.

"All right, shit-for-brains," Integra snapped, refocusing her attention on him, "you're going to spill every single thing you know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana."

Even Piccolo winced upon hearing that (which was unusual, as he didn't have one, and therefore had no reason to worry).

Jan chuckled, grinning harshly through the pain. "I don't know what's fuckin' funnier," he wheezed, struggling to his feet. "The fact that you think your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did!" Abruptly, blue fire erupted from within his body, engulfing him. "And now I'm on fuckin' fire! So now it's free game! The one who sent me… was… Naziiiiis!" With that, the flames consumed him, and his body collapsed to the floor, one middle finger still raised, before he disintegrated into ash.

Integra blinked. "I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?"

"I heard Miami Heat," Walter remarked.

"I heard Michael J. Fox," Trunks added.

"I heard Neil Armstrong," Piccolo commented.

"I heard The Motley Crew with my vampire hearing," Seras put in.

"Wait a second," Integra muttered, glancing around. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Where's the big brother?"

.

Downstairs, in Alucard's lair…

Vegeta and Garlic Junior clashed repeatedly, exchanging a whirlwind of kicks and punches. While the Saiyan prince was much stronger and faster than his opponent, it was becoming irritatingly apparent that Garlic Junior was nearly impossible to kill. Every time Vegeta inflicted an injury, it would simply heal without a scratch.

"Okay, how the hell do you keep doing that?!" Vegeta snapped, smashing Garlic into the floor with a double-fisted hammer. "I'm pretty sure I've broken every bone in your body at least once by now, so how are you not dead?!"

Garlic chuckled, picking himself up as his body repaired itself again. "Foolish insect. You have no concept of who you're dealing with. In our old world, before I was banished to the Dead Zone, I used the Dragon Balls to grant myself immortality! As you can tell, this means you would have no chance whatsoever of defeating me: whatever you do to me, I will instantly recover from it! This is a battle you cannot win!"

Vegeta gritted his teeth. "You did what?!" Inwardly, he seethed. Unbelievable! This little idiot actually managed to wish for immortality on the Dragon Balls, when neither Frieza nor myself could manage it?! Ridiculous! Well, one thing's for sure: I'm done taking it easy on him!

"Well, then," he said coolly, his blue aura flaring to life around him. "I suppose playtime's over, then. Allow me to show you what real power looks like!" With a yell, he threw his head back, and his aura exploded out around him, shifting from blue to gold. A shockwave shook the entire mansion.

.

Upstairs, Piccolo and Trunks exchanged a glance, eyes wide, as they sensed Vegeta's power skyrocketing below them.

"Oh, hell," Integra muttered. "Alucard, I swear to God…" She whirled and marched back into the conference room, heading for the phone.

.

Vegeta's hair was spiked up vertically, and had changed from black to a bright, glowing gold. His blazing golden aura crackled around him, and his muscles bulged with new power.

"What the hell is this?" Garlic snapped, gazing wide-eyed at Vegeta. Whatever had happened to his opponent, he wasn't sure he liked it.

On the other side of the immense room, Alucard glanced over at the brilliant light emanating from his friend. "Interesting," he observed, a moment before a bullet from Luke hit him in the chest, returning his attention to his own fight.

Vegeta's eyes, which were now a bright, vivid green, focused on Garlic, narrowing. The demon's own eyes widened, and he took a wary step back.

"This," Vegeta explained, "is a Super Saiyan." He smirked. "Now, what was that you were saying before? Something about a battle I couldn't win?"

With that, Vegeta reappeared directly behind Garlic and punched straight through his torso, then whirled, kicking completely through his waist and cutting him in half. Blasting the lower half of the demon's body into ashes, he whirled, hammering Garlic's remaining upper torso with a vicious series of punches, crushing bones into powder and pulverizing the demon's body under the onslaught.

Finishing off his combination with an energy blast that shredded Garlic's torso, he stepped back, watching as a cloud of smoke billowed up from the stone floor.

Sure enough, however, Garlic quickly began to reform, the blue smoke drifting back together, gradually forming into his full body again. He was literally shaking with rage. "I am two hundred percent done!" he snarled, before letting out a roar of rage that shook the entire room. The air above him began to warp and ripple, a multicolored red-and-yellow vortex forming.

"This is the Dead Zone," Garlic hissed. "The same dimension that I was imprisoned in for all those years. No matter how powerful you are, you cannot escape! You will be trapped in a state of horrific torment for the rest of eternity!"

"Oh, really?" Vegeta retorted. He smirked. "And what if I throw you in instead?"

"Well, then I–" Garlic's eyes widened in realization. "Oh, shi–" He was interrupted as Vegeta cannoned into him, grabbing him by one leg and spinning him around in circles, faster and faster.

"LET GO OF ME!" Garlic screamed.

Vegeta laughed. "Whatever you say!"

Too late, Garlic realized his mistake. "NOOO–" He was abruptly cut off as Vegeta let go, hurling him directly into the open portal.

Garlic's last thought before he vanished back into the Dead Zone was, In retrospect, summoning the only thing that could defeat me – again – was probably a bad idea.

He vanished through the portal, which promptly shattered like glass and dissolved.

Vegeta dropped to the floor, relaxing and reverting to his normal state. His golden hair darkened back to its usual black, and he glanced up at the place where the portal had been. "Well, that was weird."

.

Meanwhile, Alucard and Luke Valentine were still fully engaged in battle. While both vampires were firing at the other with everything they had, Luke was using his super-speed to dodge most of Alucard's bullets, while the red-clad vampire hadn't bothered with dodging and was taking hit after hit, blood pouring from his injuries.

"You can't touch me!" Luke boasted as he continued to dodge the incoming fire. "I was hand-crafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival, nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demigod!"

Alucard was silent for a moment, his head hanging low as he stopped firing for a moment. Then he sighed. "Really? Really?"

"Really," Luke shot back.

"Really?"

"Really!"

"Really?!" Alucard's head snapped up, his eyes blazing red.

"Really!"

Okay, I've had enough of this, Alucard thought to himself. He abruptly straightened up, holding his hands in an odd position. "Release restraint to Level One." A hundred glowing eyes appeared in the shadows cast by his trenchcoat.

Luke frowned. "Level what?"

As Luke watched in shock, Alucard's body appeared to disintegrate, ripping itself apart, and then reformed into a seething mass of darkness and red light. A dozen monstrous faces appeared and dissolved as quickly as they had come.

Vegeta watched from a few yards away, his eyes wide in shock. "What the fuck is that?!" he muttered to himself.

The monstrous head of something vaguely resembling a dog emerged where Alucard's right arm had been: the barrel of one of his oversized pistols protruded from its mouth and fired, sending a bullet ripping through Luke Valentine's left knee and blasting his leg completely off.

Luke screamed, clutching at the stump of his leg and hopping away from the monster that Alucard had transformed into.

"You know," Alucard rumbled, his voice deep, twisted and rasping, as he snatched up Luke's severed leg with one hand, "they say that watching TV makes you violent: but I'd say not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!" He fired again, blasting off Luke's other leg.

"Well, he's dead," Vegeta muttered.

Luke screamed as he hit the floor, clutching at the stumps of his legs as he dragged himself across the stone floor. "I'm near the stairs," he gasped. "Gotta get to the stairs. If I can just get up the stairs, I…" He trailed off, looking up at the stairs… which extended for at least several hundred steps above him. "Awwww, fuck."

"Come on!" Alucard growled, advancing on him. "You were talking all that good shit a second ago! Then I blew your fucking legs off!"

"Wha… you… whathefuck?!" Luke gasped, staring up at the monstrous vampire with terror in his eyes.

"What's wrong, demigod?!" Alucard snarled. "Just grow back your legs!" He crushed Luke's severed leg in his hand. "Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me!" He paused, and then smirked. "Give me a hug."

Luke's eyes widened. "R…Really?"

Then Alucard lunged, and a hundred fang-filled maws descended on him.

"OhgodNO–"

And then there was just screaming.

Vegeta, who had been watching, actually felt nauseated for a moment: but, considering that he had wiped out entire planets before and then eaten the corpses of the inhabitants, he didn't feel as repulsed as a normal person would have.

Still, he thought to himself, that is disturbing on so many levels.

.

"Hey, we're here on Epic Meal Time!" Alucard's distorted voice echoed over the phone, mixed with the sounds of ripping flesh, crunching bones, and Luke Valentine's screaming. "I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blonde little wannabe demigod bitch!"

The entire council was gazing in horror at the phone. "Who… is that, exactly?" Penward asked.

"Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier," Integra commented casually. "This is what happens when he has to entertain himself." She smirked. "So, what was that issue with our funding?"

Four Council members, including Penward, spoke up simultaneously.

"Issue?"

"What issue?"

"I don't see an issue!"

"Shut up and take our money!"

.

So, any idea why Garlic Junior was here? Piccolo questioned inwardly.

Not a clue, Kami replied. But there must be some explanation. If we were able to come here, and so was Garlic Junior, then it's highly possible that other beings from our world could have come through as well.

Which means we might have more than vampires and zombies to worry about, Nail mused.

"Ah, and just like that, everything turned out all right in the end," Alucard stated into the phone, drawing Piccolo's attention back to the conversation at hand.

Integra sighed. "Yes, everything turned out just fine. Except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a blood rage."

Seras blinked. "Um… what's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?"

Vegeta raised an eyebrow. I have to admit, she'd make a good Saiyan.

"Oh, that reminds me, for whatever reason," Alucard inquired. "Did we ever find out who sent them?"

There was a long pause.

"It was the Nazis, wasn't it?" Alucard asked.

"No," Integra replied flatly.

"Bet you I'm right."

"Bet you you're wrong."

"Bet you you're a skank."

"Bet you you're an asshole."

"BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!"

"Okay, who the hell are the Nazis, anyway?" Vegeta demanded.

.

And here we are again. So sorry it's been such a long time since I've updated this story: hopefully this chapter makes up for it!

And yes, I will be explaining how the hell Garlic Junior got here in later chapters. For the record, the four demons who are with him in this chapter (and get their asses handed to them by Trunks and Piccolo) are the same four that showed up on the Lookout with him during Episode 31 of DBZ Abridged (when the five of them were promptly devoured by Mr. Popo).

Shoutouts to HeavyJ15, jhud, rgss, superfanman217, Cf96, kwak73, SuperSOULEATERLOVER, CrazyAwesomeFanGirl, Kung-fu Blaziken, Alucard, and Hedgehog of Time for reviewing: I really appreciate it!

As always, I greatly appreciate feedback on my work, so if anyone has any questions or comments regarding this chapter or the story as a whole, please review!

Next chapter, the gang take a trip to South America, and Vegeta comes face-to-face with an unexpected enemy from his past… stay tuned!

See you all next time!

Review Q&A:

Q: This... is... AWESOME!

Sorry had to get that of my chest. I love not only the Idea but also the story so far. I can only congratulate you to this fine project.

To my question: Will you put some more things from the tfs dbz universe in the story? Like the Krillin owned counter and some jokes about Yamcha or even Nappa (because we all know how hilarious he is)

A: Well, we'll have to see about the other Z-Fighters, but there will definitely be some other elements and characters from the TFS DBZ universe included in this story.

Q: Haha! I couldn't believe my eyes when I found this. I thought it to good to be true, you sir are genius for thinking of this and I can't wait to see more!

A: Well, thanks, I appreciate the compliment! Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter! :)

Q: PARTY PARTY PARTY!

I WANNA HAVE A PARTY!

I NEED TA HAVE A PARTY!

YA BETTER HAVE A PARTY!

OH PARTY PARTY PARTY!

YA GOTTA PARTY HARDY!

I'M GONNA HAVE A PARTY!

OR ELSE YA WILL BE SORRY!

Vegeta and Alucard are in the same room. SO AWESOME!

Go on...

A: Yes, as we can see in this chapter, Vegeta and Alucard are quickly becoming good friends. And yes, it will be awesome.

Q: Well, while I do understand the sheer awesomeness of my story, what was the point of importing all of this weird shmucks? I mean this shorty with spiky hair would totally go in to punch him in the face and his son has a sword. None of them seem like run away type of guys to me.

hmmm... Need to find a reason to fight with them by the way.

Follow me on Twitter CrimsonFuckr

-Sincerely, Alucard

A: Well, if you're referring to the scene with Anderson, Vegeta and Piccolo left because, frankly, Anderson probably just plain creeps them the f*ck out, especially in that environment. Normally, Vegeta would have no problem taking him on, but in that situation he decided that leaving would be a better idea than sticking around. And Trunks would just go along with the two of them. Regarding the whole "Trunks' sword" thing, just to clarify, he didn't have a sword to begin with: he took one of the holy swords that Anderson left behind at the end of last chapter, to replace the one that the androids broke before the start of this story.

Q: So Vegeta and Alucard will go on a jolly good rampage, Trunks and Seras will hook up, and Piccolo will hang with Integra. Much fun and slaughter will be had by all!

A: Well, we'll have to see if all of that will happen, but it will definitely be fun!