There has to be some way.
Lucy keeps her eyes focused on the cumulus clouds they're soaring above. The jet is twenty-two minutes from landing in New York and Lucy's itching to end this nightmare.
I can save her…
Lucy's stare hardens as she continues to overhear Natasha's thoughts.
Matt will never forgive me.
Will the woman ever learn? Lucy knows how stubborn Natasha can be, but this is getting ridiculous. "Please stop," she growls, turning her head in the redhead's direction.
Natasha's head is tilted downward and her body is still, aside from the gentle rise and fall of her chest. I can't lose her…
"Something wrong, Luc?" Clint wonders.
Lucy continues to observe her mother's unmoving lips. Is Natasha dreaming about her? Does she even dream about her?
"Lucy?" Clint worriedly watches as the girl longingly stares at her mother. "Let her rest. She hasn't-"
She shoots the archer a quick glare and he's suddenly out cold. "Clint." Her heart rate slows, but she can't process what it's like to feel afraid anymore. Her body is properly reacting to the scare with tensed muscles and wide eyes, but the raw emotions behind those reactions aren't there. "Clint." She just knocked out a man who's been like family to her with just one look…
Trevor Slatterly's eyes widen as Clint's head falls back against the seat. He then turns to Lucy and fears that he may not make it off this flight alive.
Clint's soon breathing normally and with a steady heart rate. Lucy watches him and sends a mental signal to the archer that urges him to awaken. She imagines his eyes start to open, and as she does, Clint cracks open his eyes as if Lucy is his puppet master.
"L…Luc..." His voice comes out gravely and he feels like he's just been awoken mid-nap.
"Lucy?" Now it's Natasha's turn to awaken.
The blonde turns to her mother and she wonders to herself just how far her body's power can take her. What if she accidentally sends a bad vibe in Natasha's direction and kills her? The drug is a curse. She's becoming the villain, and she can't allow for that to happen. "I need to use the bathroom." She unbuckles herself and hurries to lock herself in the tiny cubicle.
"What happened, Barton?" Natasha demands once Lucy is out of earshot.
Clint bows his head and runs his fingers through his hair. "I don't know."
"The girl's a witch," Trevor warns in a low whisper. His eyes dart towards the bathroom. "Knocked you out cold without even touching you," he informs Clint.
Natasha wants to roll her eyes and call the guy crazy, she can't help but worry about Lucy's overdose. She shifts in her seat and wonders if she should call Matt so they can meet somewhere. He should talk to his daughter one last time if this is really it.
"Sounds like a super soldier deal," Clint whispers under his breath.
Natasha lifts her head to find the archer staring at her. "Cap and I can't knock people out with our minds," she quietly reminds him. "We already know this is entirely cerebral… and it's now affecting how her whole system works." Shock treatment could be a possible option. She's had her own brain wiped countless times, but in return, she lost who she was before becoming the Black Widow. Natasha stands and moves towards the bathroom as she reflects on her options. Having Lucy forget who she is would be more bearable than losing her forever. "Lucy?" She waits by the door as she hears the faucet running. "Can we talk?" The sound of running water hitting porcelain continues. "Lucy?"
Inside, Lucy hears the woman loud and clear, but she doesn't make a peep. She keeps her back pressed against the locked door as she stares down at her left hand. Rather, what's left of it. Her last three fingers have disappeared down to her first knuckle. It started when she turned on the sink to splash some water on her face. The water's fast streaming took her digits, but there was no blood, let alone any remnants of the slopped off fingers. Lucy idly stares at her left hand as miniscule particles float up towards the ceiling. She feels the door budge against her back. Natasha wants in, and she'll break the door down if Lucy won't answer. "I'm okay," she murmurs.
"Then open the door!" Natasha snaps back.
"I need a minute." Lucy's afraid to open that door. Her body's unstable. The cells that compose her no longer wish to be a part of Lucy. They wish to be free.
"We're landing soon. Get out of there," Natasha warns using her sternest mothering tone.
"One se-" She stops mid-sentence as Natasha forcefully joggles the door handle. Lucy turns around and lets her right hand reaches for the lock. What if she can't even open it?
"Lucy…"
She senses the woman's blood pressure rising. Natasha would completely lose it if she sees her child missing fingers. She'll worry. The poor woman still has hope that her daughter can be saved. Lucy brings her left hand behind her back as she prepares to undo the lock. It clicks open with a ginger press on the handle. Her body seems to be more stable, so she adds a little more of her weight.
"Lucy!"
Natasha bangs on the door and Lucy is unexpectedly jerked forward. She can't regain her footing from her stumble and she falls face first into the door. As she falls in what feels like slow motion, her right hand and half of her arm burst into blue specks. Everything then fades to black as her head smacks the door and her mother shouts her name.
"Lucy!"
Her eyes flutter open and she finds herself staring up into her mother's green eyes.
"Thank God," she mutters for only Lucy to hear. Natasha notices her daughter's eyes begin to close, then open, revealing a pair of bright blue eyes that she wasn't born with. "Lucy?" she breathes. "Are you awake?"
Lucy's eyes slowly shut as she attempts to process what happened in the gap between the plane ride and now. She begins to replay the scenario in her mind.
After stumbling into the door, Lucy's body became completely undone. Everything that made up Lucy's physical body had dispersed into a mess of scattered cells. Though not physically present in the confines of the cramped bathroom, Lucy was everywhere for that brief moment. She remembers the door begin to creak open. Rather than give her mother the scare of a lifetime, Lucy knew that she couldn't remain a bodiless entity for the sake of her parents. She can't leave without bidding her father farewell. He'll be angry and mourn for months if he couldn't speak with her one last time. Keeping her parents in mind, the millions of pieces of Lucy scattered within that bathroom all came together to form a whole being.
Lucy knows she can't keep her current form forever, though. Much like her teenage self, her cells are rebelling. To remain as she is now, a human super computer, is too much of a burden. So what if she can now solve Pi and encrypt the human body to divulge the cure for cancer? An ordinary person alone shouldn't be able to carry the world on their shoulders. Lucy isn't human, nor can she identify as one. Pain is irrelevant, and her heart can't bring itself to ache for love. Lucy isn't the Lucy she was twenty-four hours ago. Clint can sense it, as can her own mother. She can never go back to being the Lucy who partied through the night and woke up with a splitting headache. She'd never be the girl who cried after a phone call with her dad, nor would she ever feel scorn when her mother leaves her a lackluster 'just checking in' voicemail.
"Lucy?" Natasha asks.
Is that who she still is?
"We're back home, Luc," she gently continues. "You're in the medical wing."
One glance is all Lucy needs to know that. She had only seen the medical floor once while touring with Clint years back. As large and secretive as S.H.I.E.L.D. is, Lucy now knows every floor, every corner… Their secrets are hers now, and all of that was learned just by staring up at obnoxiously bright fluorescent lights.
"You collapsed earlier," Natasha says. She sits back down in a chair close to the bed.
Natasha had been sitting in that chair for a solid two hours while Lucy remained unconscious. Though sleeping, she felt Natasha's presence. She feels everyone's presence. Like an advanced version of a dolphin's sonar, she can detect that the three rooms down from her currently occupy the victims of FuturePharm's drugs. The doctors are all preparing for surgery and all the patient's vitals are stable. "You've had a successful mission," she drones.
Natasha reaches for her daughter's pale hand. "It's only a success when we save you."
Which isn't happening.
"Why did you pass out?" she prods. "I thought you'd recover faster, but you were out for over two hours."
"I tried rewiring my system." She closes her eyes, but she can still see the room's sterile walls and Natasha on her left, giving her a puzzled look as she crosses her arms. "I killed every cell in my body, but the very second I did, thousands more were born," she drawls. "My brain refuses to let me die."
Natasha purses her lips. "Are you in any pain?"
"No." There's silence and Lucy's getting odd vibes from her mother. She's fighting back the urge to ask a question that's raising her stress levels.
Do you… You don't want to… Don't… Natasha can't even think of a coherent way to ask the question pressing on her mind.
"I do," Lucy states as she sits upright atop starched sheets. I do want to die… Death seems to be the only thing lurking on the Widow's brain. Lucy's answer doesn't help her grief in the slightest. Natasha delivers a smack so rough that Lucy's head is jerked to the side. Her hand leaves a mark across her cheek, but it quickly fades.
"Don't read my mind!" Natasha hisses. Her hands are now balled up into tight fists to hide their trembling.
"Your thoughts are as clear as spoken words. There is no shutting it off."
Natasha pivots on her heel and moves towards the door. "Can your father talk any sense into you?"
"There has been a change in my speech patterns, same for my heartbeat," Lucy begins. "He will pick up on these slight changes. You know he always does." What her father lacks in sight, he makes up for with his other senses.
Natasha keeps her back to Lucy and tries to keep her mind blank. It's incredibly difficult to do, especially when your only kid wants to die. She tries focusing on her breathing, but she keeps thinking of how heartbroken Matt will be, and how pathetic she'll feel for not being able to save her daughter. Is this her punishment for all the innocent lives she's taken over the years?
"I don't mean to anger you." Lucy stares at the woman, unblinking. "This is not your punishment," she calmly continues. "You are not-"
"Shut up!" Natasha whips her head around and storms towards the bed. "I have every right to be angry! I was such a shit mother and now I'm killing my own kid!" she shouts in the blonde's face.
"Aldrich Killian killed me. And he is being apprehended as we speak."
Natasha chooses to ignore the Killian nonsense. She knows the truth. "I should've saved you! If I wasn't such shit to you, you'd be alive!"
Natasha is right, but Lucy won't admit that. Given Natasha did make more time in her life for Lucy, she'd have lived happily with her mother and father until moving out of state for college. She would have met men both her parents would disapprove of, until she found the right guy to settle down with… Lucy contemplates attempting to travel back in time, but time is such a delicate thing. She refuses to interfere with the fragile flow. "You did everything you could for me," she says in a daze. One part of her brain is forcing cells to die while another is running through ideas of how to fix this. "I don't hate you."
"Just say you do." There's the slightest crack in her voice as she reaches for Lucy's hand.
Erasing the memories of everyone would be complex, but it could work. She would need her existence erased on a global scale what with her time spent overseas. How, though? Develop a serum and have it dispersed into the air?... The air… She thinks back to her short-lived moment of being thousands of microscopic pieces.
"There were times I wished I never had you," Natasha quietly comments. "But then I'd think of how much you depended on me… You needed a mom." Her hand reaches out to stroke Lucy's hair. "Growing up for me was hell. And I made growing up for you hell, too…" Between the divorce and her hardly being home, Lucy was forced into a miserable situation. "I ruined your life."
Lucy simply shakes her head. "The Black Widow wasn't meant to be tied down."
"That's not the point." Natasha tightly grabs her arms and can see her own reflection in Lucy's bright blue eyes. "You're my responsibility. I should've put you before my own needs."
"You may be selfish, but you provided me with shelter, clothes, food-"
"You deserved more…" Natasha loosens her grip.
"You could have easily gotten rid of me before my birth," Lucy points out.
"Matt and I wanted to settle down. He had always wanted a kid." Natasha lowers her gaze. "But I wasn't as prepared for what was coming."
Lucy reaches out to her mother and gently lifts her chin so their eyes are level. "Your decision to give birth to me is proof you love me." She reflects back on the very first moment she saw Natasha's tired but smiling face.
'Hi, Lucy,' she had whispered with a proud grin. Her voice was so warm and familiar, even though her face was something entirely new to a newborn Lucy.
"I've never seen you smile more than when I first saw you," Lucy continues. "Naturally, I loved you, especially your warmth."
Natasha gives her daughter an awkward stare.
"And as much as I frustrated you with the crying and dirty diapers, you always answered me when dad didn't." She manages the slightest smile. "You would hum me this song in Russian…" She pauses as a new-mother-Natasha's song begins to play in her memory. Natasha's voice was always soft and low, and Lucy does her best to honour the song with her own voice. "Калинка, калинка, калинка моя! В саду ягода малинка, малинка моя!"
Natasha tenses as the familiar melody brings back memories of holding Lucy in the middle of the night. She would always sit in an armchair by the window and the moonlight would always provide a gentle glow.
"Ах, под сосною, под зеленою, Спать положите вы меня!" Lucy sings.
"You remember that?" Natasha murmurs.
Lucy ceases her singing as realization flashes in her mother's eyes.
Natasha recalls Lucy always falling right to sleep before she made it halfway into the song. Then it was back to the crib where Lucy would sleep for a solid three or four hours. "You really liked that?" She swallows back the growing lump in her throat.
"I had a simple mind that was easy to please…" She wishes that she can convey some sarcasm, but she can't. The emotion has slipped, and she can't bring it back. "Your voice is the first I remember. Dad's is second, Nick is third…"
Natasha lowers her head and stifles a broken laugh.
So the humour came through after all. "Thank you." Lucy senses that the cells in her hand are beginning to disperse. Her physical form won't last much longer…
There's a long pause and Natasha continues to keep her head bowed.
"Mom."
She's still quiet, but before Lucy can speak again, Natasha lifts her head and smiles despite the tears that roll down her cheeks. "Ай-люли…" Her voice is shaky, but she needs to put up a strong front so her daughter won't see her have an extremely rare meltdown. "люли, ай-люли, люли, Спать положите вы меня." She feels Lucy's hand take hers. Their eyes refuse to look away from one another's as she continues the song. "Калинка, калинка, калинка моя! В саду ягода малинка, малинка моя!"
Lucy gives her a sideways smile, the same one she picked up from her mother. 'Thank you,' she mouths.
Natasha furrows her brows as an uneasiness in her gut begins to spread. She stops the song, but Lucy beckons for her to continue. "Ах, сосёнушка, ты зеленая, Не шуми ты надо мной!"
Lucy sends her a signal to close her eyes, and she obeys. She feels that now is the right time to go, so she gives herself over to her body's need to come undone. Her fingers are eaten away, same for her toes, her feet… Natasha is still oblivious as Lucy's childhood lullaby continues. Her arms and legs are next to vanish, but Lucy knows that she won't be going away completely. She will soon be a part of the universe and will wipe away every trace of her existence from those who knew her, as well as those who didn't. But she will still exist as an omnipresent being to watch over people like Natasha and Matt.
They won't remember her at all.
And that's for the best.
"Ай-люли, люли, ай-люли, люли, Не шуми ты надо мной!" Natasha suddenly catches herself singing and stops. Her brain is in a fog as she stands alone in a S.H.I.E.L.D. examination room.
"Pretty song," Clint muses as he stands in the doorway.
Natasha keeps her eyes fixed on the unmade bed before her. She feels streaks of water running down her cheeks which she quickly wipes away.
"Nat?" he asks. "Your head feeling better?"
She stops and turns to her partner. "Did I scare you when I passed out back there, Barton?" she smirks.
He shrugs and folds his arms over his chest. "Little bit. I've never seen lack of sleep hit you that hard before."
Natasha shrugs and heads towards the door. "I've been on nonstop flights, Barton," she casually explains. "Kicking ass and rescuing hostages… How are they?" she asks.
"Bags are being taken out now," he explains as they head down the hall. "Fury told me no traces of anything abnormal were in anyone's bloodstream, either, so that's a plus," he adds. "And we've got agents on their way to bring Killian in."
"No more drug scams for him," Natasha drawls.
"Oh!" Clint stops mid-step. "You told me to remind you to call Matt. Birthday."
Natasha purses her lips and instinctively reaches for the phone in her hip pocket. "Nothing like wishing an ex a happy birthday," she mumbles.
"I thought you two were a thing again," he snorts.
"We're always on and off…" She checks her phone and sees that she already has a missed call from him. "I'll be a minute," she tells Clint. "Meet me in Fury's office," she orders before turning on her heel. Natasha heads back to her medical cubicle and sits down on the bed as she calls back Matt. "Hi, Matt," she says as he picks up.
"Tasha."
She can sense a smile in his voice.
"Back from travelling?" he wonders.
"Mm," she hums. "But first, happy birthday," she grins.
"Thank you." He pauses. "You know, I was just thinking about you this morning," he muses. "What was that song you used to sing? The one in Russian with the snowberry."
Déjà vu washes over her as she recalls the countless times she's sang that to Matt on lazy mornings in bed together. "'Kalinka'…Funny, I was just thinking about that song, too."
"Oh, yeah?" he chuckles. "Do you mind singing it? I like it a lot more than 'happy birthday.'"
Natasha closes her eyes and begins to hum the nostalgic melody as pesky tears blur her vision. "Калинка, калинка, калинка моя! В саду ягода малинка, малинка моя…"
A/N: Thank you so much for reading, everyone! The Russian song used in this chapter is called 'Kalinka' and the English lyrics used are as follows:
Little snowberry, snowberry, snowberry of mine!
Little raspberry in the garden, my little raspberry!
Ah, under the pine, the green one,
Lay me down to sleep,
Rock-a-bye, baby, rock-a-bye, baby,
Lay me down to sleep.
Little snowberry, snowberry, snowberry of mine!
Little raspberry in the garden, my little raspberry!
Ah, little pine, little green one,
Don't rustle above me,
Rock-a-bye, baby, rock-a-bye, baby,
Don't rustle above me.