Chapter 136

Tea by the Fire

It's been hours since the conversation with Peeta I so deeply dreaded finally happened. I still find myself asking how it even happened; so suddenly, so abruptly, and how it turned into a fight.

No, not a fight. Peeta didn't yell, he didn't fight back. Well, of course he didn't. I went right ahead and crushed all his dreams before he could even speak his mind, his heart.

In times like this, I really hate myself. How I can be so cruel and merciless to someone as caring and important to me as Peeta is beyond my comprehension. Still, sooner rather than later, I constantly find myself hurting him once more. Only that, this time, I may have just hurt him in the worst possible way.

It's not like I didn't know he wanted kids. Why, every cell in his body screams of parenthood. He has always been like this. I remember how oftentimes I saw him before our first Games in the bakery, how he would show off his cakes to the little boys and girls that drooled over something as delicious with beaming eyes at something so pretty. I once saw him defend a little kid at school from a bully who wanted to take his lunch. At the end of the day, it's as if that spark you need to be a parent is imprinted in his DNA; he'd be a natural. But for me… it's just not in my blood.

It's been about an hour and a half since I slammed the door on Peeta's face -both literally and figuratively- and he hasn't come yet. I could fool myself and believe it's because he's trying to give me space but I know better. I broke his heart; his hopes and dreams for the future.

Perhaps we should've had this conversation before getting married. Of course, he tried, that night we announced our engagement to our friends but it ended just like today. With me screaming, shutting the door, not hearing him out, being the same selfish, coldhearted person I've always been.

A terrible thought grasps me and runs a cold shiver through every cell in my body: what if he doesn't want me anymore, now that he knows I can't give him the one thing in the world he wants?

Maybe he thought having the talk in the eve of our engagement was a little too soon but now, after more than 2 years of being married, I feel the same way.

We should've had this talk before. But I always avoided it, acted as if it didn't exist, as if it could just go away by not acknowledging it. And of course, Peeta being as patient and kind as he is, he never pushed me. But right now, his words resound through my mind, how he said: what about what I want?

I hate to admit it, but I never take that much into consideration.

Soon, the bedroom's walls seem to feel as if they're closing in on me and I feel the need to get out.

I expect to find Peeta in the living room before the chimney, but the house is deserted. As I said, this time is different, this time has been ten times worse than a fight. Peeta leaving… it's never happened before.

The feeling of the empty house is worse than I could have imagined. In a heartbeat, I'm out in the cold without clarity concerning on where to go. I think about visiting Johanna, who always listens to my lashing outs but that's not quite what I need right now. Annie is not an option; she's a mother and probably the best one there is. Haymitch and Effie are not an option either.

Before I realize it, I'm walking to the Square and in no time at all, I find myself at my mother's doorstep.

She has kept her promise of staying back in my life. She travels sometimes and she isn't invasive or anything; in fact, sometimes I wish she was a little, because we still don't see much of each other despite we're living in the same district for the first time in years.

I knock the door once at the same time that I realize what I'm doing this isn't probably the best idea. I'm about to leave when she opens the door.

"Katniss," my mother breathes at the sight of me, but then she smiles, clearly happy I've come to visit her, even unexpectedly. "Come in."

The warmth of her little house welcomes me and instantly I feel a little better; a little less lost. But then she starts asking about how I've been and such and when I don't respond, she turns to me from across the room and asks, "Katniss, are you all right?"

Before I know it, I've broken down in tears.

I'm sitting before the fire and my mother will be back any minute with hot tea to calm me down. For the moment, I've found comfort in watching the mesmerizing flames, beautiful and ever-changing.

In between sobs, I managed to tell my mother what happened. She was never someone I considered a confidant, but as I walked out of my house a while ago without a destination, it was as if my body somehow knew she was the person to talk to right now. The words just started pouring out of me; part of me couldn't understand why I was trusting her but at the same time, letting it all out filled me with such relief. She wrapped me in a blanket and stroked my hair.

My mother arrives, startling me a little, and she hands me a cup of sweet chamomile tea, which I drink instinctively.

For a moment, we just stay silent, sipping the tea and watching the fire. The whole scene fills not only my body with heat, but my heart with relief and hope, as if, despite we haven't been this close in years, I just couldn't be unhappy while drinking tea and having my mom stroke my hair softly.

Eventually, I bring myself to ask, "How could you ever become a mother?" and there's a bit of accusation in my voice.

After all, my question bears such a tremendous weight. I always sort of held my parents accountable for having the nerve to bring children into the hideous world Prim and I were born into. Because, honestly, how could they? Knowing misery and death lied waiting at the doorsteps of every District 12 citizen; knowing starvation was almost certain, along with terror, poverty and injustice. Worse of all, knowing that at the age of 12, the merciless and imminent Reaping took place and then, of course, the Hunger Games.

Mom takes a moment to answer, her eyes far away as they stare into the flames, and she finally says, softly, "When you love someone, Katniss, everything you do becomes an act of love. Your grandmother used to say that."

"What does it mean?"

"I think it means that when you love somebody that much, everything you do is for them and everything they do is for you. Happiness is not a thing you hope to accomplish but something you share with the person you love. And when you feel something as big as that, then nothing else is bigger. Not hopelessness, not envy, not fear. Nothing is as powerful."

As she speaks, there's the ghost of a smile on her face. Her eyes always seemed so sad to me since the mines took away Dad, but right now, there's a certain spark to them, one I hadn't seen in years.

"Your dad and I loved each other like that, you know?"

But of course I do. Everything that she just said… it makes sense. She's not speaking in a foreign language or of times before mine. What she just said is true and I remember it. Before everything, back to when my father still lived, all of those things existed: hunger, fear, injustice, uncertainty. But they were never bigger than hearing him sing to the mockingjays in the woods, or watching Prim's face when I got her Lady, or sitting all of us together at the dinner table despite just having cold and hard bread and some tea.

I know what Mom and I are thinking right now. I wish they were still here, Dad and Prim. But what use is there in saying it out loud? Our hearts will forever yearn and ache for them.

"I know," I say quietly.

"Katniss, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but I once told you that you already were twice the woman I ever was or will be, and I believe it applies to the mother part, also. Perhaps you still feel like the 16-year-old-girl who volunteered at the Reaping more than you wish, but so much has changed," she says. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to and you don't have to worry about Peeta. He'll love you to the end of times. But to your sister, at least, you were more than a mother than I ever was."

Her voice breaks at this last part and a sob escapes her mouth. I almost expect me to tense all over at her words and the mention of Prim, and her to walk out of the room, and us to shut each other out like always. But instead, she wipes away a tear and smiles a little, taking my hand, and I squeeze it and then give her a hug.

"I just thought you should know," she says softly.

"Shh," I hush. "Don't say that. She loved you with all her heart. We both do."

She hugs me tighter and we stay like that for a moment. When we pull away, I thank whatever force that brought me here, for taking the decision I never would've taken had I known where I was going.

Even though we pour ourselves a second cup of tea, we don't go back to the subject we just discussed. She tells me she's going away for a few weeks for work and I promise I'll call to check in.

When I leave and the cold winter wind welcomes me, it doesn't cut through my skin anymore and all I really notice is how beautiful the winter sun is shining.

Hello! I can't believe I wrote and published another chapter! Its been years! But I never forgot about you or the story, and I've always wanted to finish it. I guess I'll try :) Through the years, I have still gotten your reviews and lovely messages and they never failed at warming my heart and getting a big smile out of me. You mean so much to me!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this comeback of a chapter :)

Also, there's a person who's left lovely and very important reviews called Connor, I think, but he's in visitor mode and I can't reply back. I just want to say thank you for your ideas and it would be awesome if you signed up to the site so you could leave another review and I could reply!

Lots of love, maree :)